The American Horror Story ads had gimps coming down from the ceiling, so I had to give this one a go for the weirdness alone…and the fact that there are few things creepier than ghost twins.

I wasnâ€t sure I could handle it, because Iâ€m a essentially a chicken when it comes to horror. For instance, I think I made it through about 10 minutes of the first episode of The Walking Dead before I ran out of the room. However, this show is more slowly paced which makes things a little easier to digest scare-wise. Plus, there’s something that’s just slick and gorgeous about the scares. I don’t believe I’ve ever been scared so damned elegantly before.

Another great thing about the show is that it’s just simply intriguing. Are some of the characters dead? Are these hallucinations? What is real? Why is Dylan McDermott naked all the time? Will someone hold a séance with George Carlin to let him know that one of his seven dirty words is on the TV menu? (Canâ€t tell you which, as Iâ€m a lady.) Just how awesome is Jessica Lange, and will she continue to bring this level of awesome every week? What the heck was living in that basement in 1978 anyway? How refreshingly wonderful is it to see a 44 year-old woman looking like a beautiful 44 year-old woman?

The second episode was just fantastic. If you are going to have a home invasion and need saving from homicidal maniacs, this is one house that can work to your advantage.   The third gave just enough backstory to keep things running. I really thought they’d drag out the maid’s story for ages, but they just put it right out there. She’s trapped, like all of the others. Sorry Mr. McDermott – it may be a lovely gazebo, but you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do soon.

I suppose my real affection for this show comes down to the fact that I can’t figure out where the hell this show is going from minute to minute. How often can you say that about television shows?

I was watching some embarrassing program or other when I saw an ad for a show called Truck Stop Missouri. I figure if a show about a truck stop can get on the air, the powers that be must be looking for some terrible shows to air. Here are some that weâ€ve come up with.

Hangars On: An older couple lives in a gigantic airplane hangar for no apparent reason. Think the Costanzas – only she would be the one with the temper, and he would be the long suffering and clueless husband. The reoccurring theme on this show is that all of the furniture is covered in plastic, and every week a huge A-list guest star tries to put his/her feet on the couch and is viciously scolded by the wife. Big stars. None of this Kardashian shit. Iâ€m talking Pitt/Streep/Hoffman level here.

Rush Wives: Every now and then VH1 will air a show on rock and roll wives. Now, itâ€s time for Rush Wives! Where the (I assume) super nice and normal wives of the Canadian band Rush live out their private lives in public. Episode one: A lovely dinner party with a nice red wine, followed up by a minor argument over who gets to help with the dishes. Episode two: The dog got into the Cheezies, and there are crumbs everywhere!

Normalcy!: Real people commute to work, pay bills and sometimes go out to dinner and a movie. Climatic cliffhanger: Trash day is moved from Friday to Wednesday! Whatâ€s next? The cat needs his shots! BOOM! Try not to pee yourself with excitement!

Finders: This show focuses on really organized people. Everything is where they put it. Sweeps week scenario: a trip to Ikea for new shelves! Will they buy the Expedit or the Lack? Will they stop by the café and eat lunch for $2 bucks a family? Youâ€ll have to wait and see!

Shitty Chameleon: Letâ€s face it. Geniuses are boring. This show has a guy who pretends to be a doctor all of season one, but gets arrested at the end of the season for impersonating doctor because he was just so damned horrible at medicine. After some summer jail time, he comes back in season two and pretends to be a lawyer and gets arrested. Repeat this formula every season with a new career. Lawyer shows are out this season? BAM! Heâ€s a now scientist. Think Black Adder, but less British. Second thought, get a Brit and make him speak with a bland American accent. Recurring role: Sassy parole officer.

All just terrifically wonderful ideas. I expect the checks to come rolling in any minute now!

Iâ€ve been lucky enough to see Mr. Showâ€s “Hooray for America” when they came around in 2002, Louis C.K. in one of his very angry this-close to divorce shows circa 2008, Dave Attell right after they cancelled “Insomniac”, Doug Benson right after he had “made some very bad decisions pre-performance”, Brian Regan when he filled up the Crest with just about everyone in Sacramento, Mitch Hedberg a few years before he died and the spectacularly funny Paul F. Tompkins twice while he was participating in the SF Comedy Sketchfest.

Chris and I were also in the audience when Dave Chappelle had his famous meltdown that severely damaged his career in 2004. Google “Dave Chappelle Sacramento”, and youâ€ll find all kinds of articles that all mention how he told us all that we were stupid and left. In Sacramentoâ€s defense, weâ€re not terrible people. There was one guy in the back who kept yelling “Iâ€m Rick James, bitch!!!” and would not stop. The rest of the audience tried to get him to shut up. We really did. It was awful all around, really.

Last Saturday, Rifftrax (members of MST3K) put on a show at the Castro Theater in San Francisco. In order to make up for Mike Nelsonâ€s absence, they tossed in appearances by Chris Hardwick, Andy Richter, Adam Savage and Bob Odenkirk. The best part is that that they riffed on movie shorts, which I find to be much funnier than full movie riffs due to my short attention span. I must say that those were some terrifying shorts. The one with the paper bag will haunt me for life, and I may never be able to use a calendar again without thinking of the Cameltoe Twins.

There was also a band playing nearby that same night. My friend Jennyâ€s husband is in the band Orchid, so I was able to get a music fix in there as well after the comedy. Even though the comedy ran long, we made it there in time to see the full Orchid show, which rocked. There was even a song about bigfoot, and everyone knows there are few things more awesome than bigfoot. Even Chris enjoyed the show, but he was about five drinks deep at that point.

Of course, this website is all about screen thingies. So, here are some ways to have some MST3K-related fun in front of whichever screen suits you best:

Rifftrax for Road House. There are a lot of Rifftrax out there, but this one is my favorite. Plus, it has the line “sink wash my unit” in there for your listening pleasure. I think the best bits are when they just giggle at the movie.

Riding with Death, MST3K. This is one of those movies that I know by heart. Chris had some kind of copy that only played in our old broken TIVO, so Iâ€ve been missing this one for a while now. Though, I found it whole on Google video when I was searching for a link just now. (Don’t really know if that’s exactly legal, but it’s there.) It offers up the best of the 70â€s with girly bellbottoms on dudes, country music, truck driving, CB radios, car racing and terrifically filthy glasses. Also, Robert Denby and turkeys.

Mike Nelsonâ€s Mind Over Matters, Kindle book. I have this one in paperback, but apparently itâ€s also available on Kindle as well. Thereâ€s a story in here about him running over a hornetâ€s nest with a lawn mower, and it made me laugh until I cried. I also think of him whenever I hear a leaf blower, and yearn for the days where people used rakes instead. Note: this is not edgy in-your-face comedy.

Of course, you also now have twice the entertainment since the MST3K group has blossomed into both Cinematic Titanic and Rifftrax. There was a debate while waiting outside the Castro Theater as to which group was better than the other, but I’m staying neutral on the topic. There are plenty of bad movies and good comedy to go around!

Now that TV is in re-run mode, Iâ€ve started relying on the internet and my iPod touch for entertainment. I have a few categories that I like to cover on a daily basis.

Money App: Smarty Pig – This doesnâ€t actually do anything fancy. In fact, it doesnâ€t do much at all other than track the money Iâ€m saving up for various goals. You can set up an account on the web for as little as $25, and then choose to automatically deduct whatever amount you choose for however long you choose to save up for whatever the heck you want. Admittedly, the interest on these accounts used to be much higher. However, itâ€s better than stuffing it in your mattress. Plus, they have a cute little piggy bank that tells you how far along you are with your goals.

Chaos prevention app: Epic Win – I love a good To-Do list. I have note pads full of the things I need to do. Sadly, I never check them once they are written. There are a wazillion of these to-do types of apps out there, but this is the only one that has some wit to it with characters and loot. However, I currently need 120,000 points to level up. I can only make the bed so often every day, Epic Win.

Cooking app: Real Simpleâ€s No Time to Cook – As long as I have photos to go by, Iâ€m a fairly solid cook. I am in no way a creative cook. For instance, I canâ€t just go in the kitchen and whip something up. I need a list, a plan and a step-by-step that isnâ€t too difficult to follow. This app is great in that I can save favorites, add items to a shopping list and it even has a step-by-step at the bottom of the recipe so I donâ€t get ahead of myself.

Time waster app: Plants vs. Zombies – I donâ€t think I could tell you in words how much I love this game. This game to me is like butter is to Paula Deen. Itâ€s like a car chase is to Jason Statham. Itâ€s like one dollar bills are to Warren Buffett. Itâ€s like a drum solo is to Neil Peart. The beauty of it is that itâ€s so simple. Use plants to kill zombies. Both groups are adorable, and so is the music.

Anti-social app: Kindle – Chris bought me a Kindle a few years ago, and I love it. However, when I take it out to read on the light-rail, I end up answering questions about it for most of the ride. The Kindle app helps me get my read on without interruption. At first, I didnâ€t think Iâ€d like it as my iPod screen isnâ€t very large, but I hardly notice when Iâ€m reading something good. For instance, I went to the bookstore and saw that the Keith Richards book “Life” was enormous. I must have happily swiped to change the page a few thousand times, and I barely noticed. Ah, Keith. Always giving and giving when it comes to entertainment.

Photography app: Photosynth – This app allows you to take a stream of photos and stitch them together. Sometimes, the scenery calls for more than one photo can handle. My in-laws have a lovely property that represents pretty much the only prolonged experience with nature I ever get. With Photosynth, I now have a great panoramic photo of it to take with me everywhere. Sure, I can walk around the park at home, but itâ€s chock full of hobos. Not exactly photo-worthy.

(For any newcomers, a quick word: My wife, Kris, writes a column here every Friday under the heading “Lady Business.” — Chris)

Iâ€ve never been cool a day in my life. I’ve been known to have my very occasional moments of coolness, but they end in a heartbeat. One moment, Iâ€m letting a witty rejoinder fly. The next, Iâ€m typing the phrase “witty rejoinder”. It’s tragic, really.

There was a time in college (and slightly after) where I wanted to be cool so badly that I did the unthinkable. I dated a hipster…for seven long years. Imagine living for seven years talking about Einstürzende Neubauten, Beat Poets, Brian Eno, Peter Greenaway and David Lynch. We would watch Robocop or Predator, but only ironically. It was a dark time.

When I look back, I see that Peter Greenawayâ€s movies are insanely beautiful, and late 1980â€s/early 1990â€s Industrial music was pretty darned awesome. I just felt like I was living in a box. Donâ€t put Robocop in a corner!

The other night, as someone who shall remain nameless was playing video games, I decided to open up the cool box and give Twin Peaks a try as itâ€s available on Netflix instant streaming. Why not? Well, I got about 20 minutes into the thing before I became achingly depressed and fell asleep. Being cool is a lot of work. Itâ€s long silences. Itâ€s quirky oddities. Itâ€s tiring. Apparently, thereâ€s a lady in there with a log. There may or may not be a little person who talks backwards. (I could be confusing this with the movie.) Being cool takes way more effort than Iâ€m willing to put in.

Then, I found Escape from New York was also on instant streaming and it wasnâ€t trying so hard. It has a simple idea: put a young, kinda hot Kurt Russell into tight pants, slap on an eye patch and make him say adorably over-the-top quippy things for a mere 99 minutes.

What I love about Escape from New York is that itâ€s just so damned implausible. The plot involves the idea that in 1988, the crime rate rises 400%. By 1997, Manhattan is a walled up maximum security prison. We’re meant to believe in a mere nine years, the people of Manhattan – some that have invested $750,000 in a one bedroom apartment – have just walked away without question. Then again, there’s not much explanation of anything in this movie. For instance: how they feed the prisoners, who would have voted for Donald Pleasence, or why everyone in the movie seems to know who Snake Plissken is. The movie just IS. Get on board, already!

The little moments make this movie. For instance, our hero talks in a strangely high-pitched voice (this may have something to do with his super tight cargo pants). A character named Romero has perhaps the most fantastic hair in all of filmdom. The accessories are fabulous. They shove the president into an improbably teensy escape pod. Adrienne Barbeau’s boobs defy logic for the entire movie. They drive around in a station wagon that looks like the Griswold’s Family Truckster. The prisoners somehow managed to invent a car that runs on steam! Prisoners are apparently issued guns and spray paint upon arriving. There’s the obligatory scene where two seconds are left on a bomb timer. The best part was when I got to have a sweet little remembrance of what a cassette tape looks like.

No more being cool for me. Now, I feel something starring Burt Reynolds needs a viewing to keep me grounded.

Itâ€s Always Sunny

Americaâ€s Got Talent

Iâ€ve come up with some games to make the best of a sad situation and keep myself entertained without having to actually leave the house,  live my life or be social.

What are they doing right now? – I play this a lot with the Real Housewives series because Bravo has them on 24/7. When I see it on the guide, I take a guess as to whatâ€s going on in the show and change the channel to find out if Iâ€m correct. You can be as creative as you like. For the Housewives, the choices usually are:

A woman talking into a cell phone while holding it in front of her face.
Several women fighting with each other and waving wine around.
Several women discussing the previous nightâ€s fight over lunch.
An exterior shot of a house the size of your high-school. Beige, of course.
A commercial for tampons.

Mixed Martial Arts is also great for this. Choices can be:

Fighters dancing around and flinching away from punches.
Fighters locked together in what appears to be humping with extreme violence.
Fighters pacing around the floor with nervous energy. 
A shot of the ring with a bloody mat. 
A commercial for Axe.

Can you believe this value? – We get two home shopping networks for some reason. I used to love Tivo because it let you choose the channels wanted to receive and I could always block them. However, we now have whatever our cable company is calling itself nowâ€s DVR and I canâ€t figure out how to block the channels. So, I turned home shopping into a game. The way you play is, you see how many ways a salesperson can describe a certain item without repeating themselves. I must warn you, these people are GOOD. I once watched two women describing an outdoor/gardening shoe without repeating themselves for nearly 20 minutes. I was mesmerized. I may have also been hepped up on cold medicine, or just tremendously bored. I canâ€t recall which.

Where have I seen that actor before? – As an avid Law and Order rerun watcher, I tend to run across a dearth of people that look familiar that I canâ€t quite place. I think every actor was on there at least once. That casting director must know EVERYBODY. It also explains the fact that when Jerry Orbachâ€s photo popped up in the Oscars montage the year he died, the room went nuts. However, I digress. For this game, you either have to have a good brain for faces, or access to the IMDB website. It also helps to have a pause button on your TV, and to have seen a lot of Seinfeld episodes.

Blind Instant Streaming – Sometimes, I find that I spend far too much time choosing something from the Netflix Instant Streaming menu. So, Iâ€ll close my eyes and hit the buttons like crazy. Whatever movie I land on, I have to watch for at least five minutes. I must admit that this game is mostly for laughs, because it inevitably lands on something so criminally awful that I canâ€t bring myself to press play.

And she was all… –  On our honeymoon, we watched a Spanish dubbed version of Junior, made up some dialogue and ended up with the line “I canâ€t believe I drank the baby.” (I donâ€t think I fully understood how Mr. Schwarzenegger was intended to get pregnant in the film.) Of course, donâ€t limit yourself to talking over shows in a foreign language. Just put the TV on mute, and start gabbing away at anything. The best things seem to be soap operas, and shows aimed at teens.

TV and I are so close that we finish each other’s sentences -  Sometimes, the menu cuts off the title of a show. The game here is to figure out the rest of the title before clicking the info button. I’m always wrong. My favorite channel for this is Lifetime. One time, it just said “Love’s…” which pretty much opens the box for anything. For instance (taking into account that its Lifetime), “Love’s…Brutal Beating at the Hands of  a Man That Seemed Perfect at First” or “Love’s…Forbidden Tempation Ruins Your Marriage and You’re Left to Pick Up the Pieces on Your Own Because Men Are Selfish!”. Turns out, it was “Love’s Deadly Triangle”. So close!

Chris and I got home from a family visit Tuesday night to a blinking answering machine. My nephew, Shane, was killed in an accident. He was a talented artist, a bicyclist, a drummer and the only person I ever knew who could pull off suspenders. He was 27. In the last few years, he’d been sending me little pieces of art out of the blue. In April, he sent me a small owl necklace made of metal that has moving wings. I’m not sure how he knew that I love owls. Perhaps it was a lucky guess.

I’m usually into comedy, but days like this draw me to sad movies. Here are some of my favorites:

Ordinary People, 1980 – There’s something about uptight white people that can’t express emotions that really gets me. Plus, there have never been two people on film that reminded me so much of my parents. If Mary Tyler Moore had whipped a frying pan at Donald Sutherland at some point in the movie, I would have sworn that Robert Redford had been spying in our windows.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 2004 – Losing someone is hard enough. Having them remove you from their memory would be horrific.

World According to Garp, 1982 – I read a lot of John Irving in high-school, and I love the book more. However, this movie has a lot of moments that kill me. Walt, for instance. Pooh, for another. Life can be senseless.

Breaking the Waves, 1996 – Even the shots where it’s only scenery are depressing.

Once, 2006 – My first mistake was watching this during a bout of insomnia at 2 am one night. He just belts out “Say it to me now” and it hit me. Then again, when I haven’t slept in a while I could listen to “If I had a hammer” and get misty.

My Life Without Me, 2003 – Sweet-faced Sarah Polley is dying quietly of cancer. Enough said.

I’m sure there are a million more out there to watch, but I’m in the middle of Blue Valentine right now and it’s pretty much killing me.

Chris here: Shane was a smart, fun, extremely talented and creative kid, and he will be terribly missed. If there is a single, small comfort in this tragedy, it’s that Shane was also an organ donor, and though we would give anything to have him back, we also know his organs will be used to save and improve the lives of others in need. If you are not a registered organ donor, please, please become one.

Iâ€m surrounded by dudes. If I carried around a bat, I could swing it and hit a guy at nearly every moment of every day. I might blame my current job in a mostly male dominated field, but Iâ€ve been this way most of my life. At this point, I feel more comfortable being teased than I do having a real conversation. In short, Iâ€ve been punched in the arm a lot.

So, it should come as no surprise that I love dude humor.

The League, FX – I had avoided this the first season because I really didnâ€t understand what it was about. They had these odd advertisements for the show that were like a beer commercial or something. Had they just shown actual clips from the show, Iâ€m sure I would have watched much sooner. Itâ€s basically a story of five guys in a fantasy football league who have known each other since high school. Itâ€s a non-stop onslaught of insults and jackassery. In my favorite scene, Kevin gets up at a party to give a speech about how much his wife means to him. “Love is a journey, love is a committment…” then he gets all choked up, and his wife cries because sheâ€s so touched. Later, they show a video from a few years before where heâ€s telling his friend how to give a romantic speech. Love is a blank, love is a blank and then on the third one, you just canâ€t get it out. Busted.

Workaholics, Comedy Central – In order to properly give you an idea of how juvenile this show is, its catch phrase is “tight butthole”. If something is tight butthole, itâ€s good. Three guys do a ton of drugs and have jobs as telemarketers. They also spend a great deal of time in speedos. I love a show with a call back, and they do it really well. There was a bit about them wearing fedoras in last week’s episode that had a nice little call back at the end. In the middle there was a bit about a child molester played by Chris D’Elia, so itâ€s not for everyone. (If you havenâ€t seen Chris D’Eliaâ€s Comedy Central special, check it out. Heâ€s got this bit about British caper movies that I rewound and watched about 15 times.)

Itâ€s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX – This show has had some rough spots recently, but if you go back to the early seasons you can find some great stuff. “Mac bangs Dennis†Mom”, “Dennis and Dee go on Welfare”, “The Gang Gets Whacked” and “The Gang Dances Their Asses off” are my favorites. The Halloween episode from last season had some great moments where Sweet Dee gets gradually more and more bird-like. If I’m being honest though, I think the Christmas special may have done some damage to my psyche that canâ€t be repaired.

Tosh.O, Comedy Central/Web Soup, G4 – These two are basically the same show: web videos of people getting hurt and doing stupid things with a comedy commentary. Iâ€m not quite sure what it is about boys/dudes/guys/men that makes them want to hurt themselves on video and post it for everyone to see, but they do this a lot. For instance, one guy jumped from the back of a moving pickup truck and deliberately landed on a cactus. I tend to look away at these parts of the show and watch Chris wince (which has some entertainment value of its own). I stick around for the Web Redemptions, Palate Cleansers and the comedy.

Sports Show with Norm MacDonald, Comedy Central – I like that Norm MacDonaldâ€s comedy is full of stops and starts. I like that he doesnâ€t care if you think heâ€s funny or not. I like that his delivery and overall comedy timing is just a little bit off. I like that when he tells a joke that he knows didnâ€t go over, he takes a beat and gives himself some time to bask in the bomb. Actually, thatâ€s the best part. He gets a twinkle in his eye every time it happens.

The Venture Bros., Cartoon Network – Occasionally, a show will come around thatâ€s perfect for me and Iâ€ll resist it for some strange reason. Examples include Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks and 30 Rock. When I do watch them, I love them. I just canâ€t sit still long enough to appreciate them. (This makes no sense to me either.) Last seasonâ€s “Operation P.R.O.M” was probably the best one Iâ€ve ever seen. I laughed so hard that I could barely breathe. My other favorites are “Tag Sale – Youâ€re It!”, “Twenty Years to Midnight” and “Victor. Echo. November”. Anything with a tweaked out Jonny Quest is also a winner.

(For any newcomers: My wife, Kris, writes a weekly column under the heading “Lady Business”, giving her perspective on movies, television, pop-culture, and in this instance, video games!)

My attempt at playing L.A. Noire ended in tragedy…more than a few times.

I can only really get my mind around two video game controllers. The first being the Atari 2600 joystick, because the thing had a single stick and button. The second being the Wii controller, because if you want to move forward you just push your arm forward. Both are beautifully simple. L.A. Noire for X-box means that Iâ€m stuck attempting to click on a whole host of buttons, all of which seem to be super sensitive.

On Friday night, Chris manned the controller while I made the choices on where to go and what to do. We solved the cases fairly quickly, though I felt squirmy about calling a suspect a liar even though they were clearly lying. Turns out my wussy non-confrontational side calls the shots in video games as well as real life.

Since I wake up at the crack o†dawn, I thought Iâ€d attempt to play it on my own Saturday morning. I chose a traffic case involving a suspicious car crash. For starters, it was hard to get my guy out of the building. He kept walking into walls, but not to worry…no one even noticed. Even though they mentioned that the crime scene was across the street, I still got in my car and began to destroy the city. I ran over light poles, smashed into the sides of tunnels and generally made the pedestrians of old-timey L.A. very nervous.

I found my way to the scene. Luckily, I figured out how to get the guy to run because he had to go up a crap-ton of stairs. On the way, people would randomly say things like “Thatâ€s the cop who cracked the big case!” or “Are you drunk?” I admit, I was bobbing and weaving. I knocked more than a few people over, but they didnâ€t seem to mind much. Theyâ€d just get back up and move along.

It took me way longer than Iâ€d like to admit to figure out how to get down to the crime scene. Even though there was a map, I kept running in circles and trying to run off cliffs. I get to the crash site one hundred years later, and gather some clues. My interrogation of a woman involved in the accident was botched because I couldnâ€t bring myself to call her a liar. She didnâ€t tell me much.

After that, I also botched the questioning of a witness and was supposed to follow the woman. Thatâ€s when things really started to turn sour. I tried tailing her, but my driving skills made me a little obvious. I would try to creep up on her, but then suddenly floor it and bash through street signs and run over citizens. Fail. A re-start had me driving so slowly that I lost her. Another re-start had me get to the café, but then my guy got out of the car and was promptly run over. He screamed like a woman when he fell down, and I laughed so hard that I woke Chris up.

With his help, I learned how to commandeer cars, which was good because my car was a smoking pile of junk at this point. The driver would tell me to be careful with it, and Iâ€d immediately smash it into a building. Then, Iâ€d reverse and smash it into another building. Confession: I donâ€t know which button controls the brakes in this game.

A very long period of kicking down doors and picking up items that meant nothing followed. My partner didnâ€t do much of anything other than get his hat shot off in a car chase. (My hat remained dapper.) The best thing about the car chase was that my horrible driving seemed to pay off. I ripped off the suspectâ€s bumper. Then, I accidentally re-created a scene from Worldâ€s Deadliest Police Chases where I somehow caused him to spin his car around. I knew watching that junk would pay off one day.

I finished by killing my guy as he was chasing a suspect on top of a three story structure that was shoddily built. I was going to give it another go, but I realized I hadnâ€t bothered to learn how to shoot a gun, duck behind objects or any of the other important things needed to get me out of this endless loop of dying.

I didnâ€t save the game and attempt to finish later because my detective work was pretty awful and I didnâ€t want Chris to get stuck with a score of negative flobbidy-jillion points. However, I would have liked to know my cash value of damage to the city. I bet it was a doozy.

When I first moved to California in 1989, I remember my college friends talking about Wynona Ryder. One had an acting class with her, and the other was her walking partner at high-school graduation. (He was told to move out of the shot by some photographers, and was bitter about it.) When I see her in a movie, Iâ€m always oddly aware that sheâ€s my age.

Imagine my horror last year when I saw her in the Star Trek movie as Spockâ€s mom. She was covered in makeup, but still. Sheesh! Then, I see Black Swan where she is described as old and washed up. For all I know, ballet dancers are considered old at 15. I still felt the hit.

For me, the worst bit about aging is the realization that thereâ€s no way around it. Iâ€m getting old, dammit. I can deny it as much as I would like by avoiding super close looks in the mirror, but when I see an young actor from the 80’s/90’s looking borderline haggard it kills me a little.

In an attempt to recapture my youth, I took a look at one of my favorite movies from when I was 12 – Valley Girl.

At first, Valley Girl would seem like a terrible choice for someone who doesnâ€t want to be reminded of how people are aging. My logic here was that when I was 12, this movie genre was totally new to me. Everything about it was original according to my young self. Of course, this plot has been done a million times before and since. I just had the pleasure of not knowing that yet.

Plot: Classic teenage romance. Boy who is different in some way that makes him mysterious/dangerous, falls in love with a perfectly normal slightly above average looking girl, they overcome the obstacles keeping them apart and end up together by the end of the movie.

Like any 80â€s movie this one opens with a shot of the mall and a montage. A purchase adds up to $192.95! I saw the same exact stuff at Urban Outfitters last week and one of those keyboard tank tops would set you back that amount at least.

Next, the beach and our first look at Nicolas Cage. I really hate to admit it, but I had an enormous crush on him in this movie. He listens to punk music like the Plimsouls (I know, not punk but I was 12 and didnâ€t know any better), he had great hair and he showed how much he cared by pretty much stalking her in a bathroom. Later, he stalks her again to prove his love. Donâ€t worry, stalking is perfectly fine in romantic comedies as long as itâ€s done by the cute boy.

Then, a series of even more montages begin to show how insanely different these two really are. Heâ€s from the streets! He drives an ugly car! He seems to know every person on the street and yells at them to prove this. She’s from the Valley! She likes to shop! She attends slumber parties and dances around in her underpants. This relationship is DOOMED! How can they ever find common ground? Well, they make out for 12 hours. That’s how.

Friends conspire to break them apart, but true love can’t be stopped. Especially when he amps up the stalking. He takes her ticket at the movie theater! He delivers her food in a restaurant! He breaks into her prom and starts a food fight! Turns out, the stalking pays off again and they ride off into the night in the back of a stolen limo to the strains of “I Melt With You”.

Flash forward time. “I Melt With You” has been used to sell burgers. Nicolas Cage starred in Face/Off. Everyone else in the movie disappeared off the face of the Earth. Getting stalked in real life sucks. But that’s all the stuff that older me brings with me when I watch it. In that way, the movie can’t possibly hold up.

However, if I could see it with 12 year old eyes it would be a different experience entirely.