By Horace P. Dunwoody, Developer and Industrialist

My good citizens,

We all know our country’s proud history of attempting to build Utopian societies in exclusive, or as some would say, dangerous and ridiculous, locations. We all know that each of the twenty-two previous attempts to do so have failed, and failed horribly. But that is no reason not to make a twenty-third attempt! And I have every faith that this time, we shall succeed!

It will certainly not be easy. We can recall the failure of the gleaming, floating city of Columbia, built in the clouds in the early 20th Century, and how it quickly and shockingly came to ruin. I need not go into the details: we all remember them clearly.

We also remember Andrew Ryan’s bold dream for Rapture in the 1940’s, his proud city built beneath the sea, and how, despite an entirely logical plan involving the torture of little girls and the sale of affordable proximity mines, it still somehow fell into chaos.

We remember another attempt at Utopia in the 1950’s, with the great city of Metro-Hyperion, which was suspended from a cliff by a mighty rope, and how it swung and spun and turned to-and-fro so beautifully in the gusty winds, and how citizens eventually became tired of constantly falling over and vomiting on themselves. And so, it was abandoned.

Horace Dunwoody, circa 2007

And Isla De Lunar, built on the moon by hundreds of the patriotic monkeys from the early days of our space program, though sadly, when the time came for the city to be populated by our human astronauts, no amount of scrubbing would get that disgusting monkey smell out of the walls.

And of course, there was the massive city of Oakstone, built of gleaming, solid marble in the branches of a mighty oak tree, which, as it turns out, was not remotely mighty enough to support the weight of a city built of gleaming, solid marble. Not even close. Hoo boy, no.

And always shall we remember Evermoss! The inspiring Utopia of Evermoss, built entirely on a patch of peat moss. It succeeded brilliantly from the start and remains intact, though as the patch of moss is only eleven inches wide, the city is far too small for anyone besides a few insects and one hungry bird to enter.

Following those failures came the city of Centuria, a metropolis built half-underground and half in ice, producing the blissful Utopia we all had dreamed of, or at least that one of us had dreamed of, that one being architect Robert Whipple, who dreamed of constantly being very, very cold and very, very dirty. He lives there still. Please stop by and see him. He is quite lonely and needs groceries.

So many, many triumphs! Followed immediately by so many, many failures. The exact same number of each, in fact.

There were others, of course, all built with the inspiring ideals of Utopia we continue to strive for. The city of New Magma, built inside an active volcano. The city of Many Points, built on a pile of needles. The upside-down city of Falling Falls. Oakland, California. Failures, all.

But we must not dwell on our previous, repeated failures! We must forge ahead and build anew! While the first twenty-two attempts at building Utopian cities resulted in misery, destruction, human-rights violations, billions of lost dollars, countless deaths, and the overpowering stench of monkey filth, I am certain our twenty-third will succeed!

We merely need to find the proper location. And with your courage, we will!

Limbo — The owner of the historic Limbo Hotel is beginning to regret opening the establishment in the dark, shadowy netherworld whose only inhabitants are giant spiders, glowing headworms, and creepy, homicidal children.

The hotel, which opened eons ago, has yet to attract its first overnight guest, despite featuring dozens of dark, unsettling rooms, haunted minibars, a spacious pool filled with spikes, and free HBO. The owner, Conrad Milton, says he was warned against opening the establishment in the bleak dimension between life and death, but was lured in by the inexpensive real estate and lack of competition.

“I figured even if there wasn’t much demand for a hotel in Limbo, by being the only hotel around I’d get 100% of the business,” Milton said. “It’s been centuries, though, and I still haven’t had any guests. I’m beginning to realize that 100% of zero is zero.”

While there are numerous potential guests in Limbo, most find themselves slaughtered, eaten, smashed into paste or drowned before they can reach the hotel.

“I saw someone approaching a few hundred years ago, and I thought he might check in, but just as he got close, a headworm burrowed into his skull and he turned around and started walking in the other direction. I never saw him again.”

“Damn headworms,” he added.

The location of Milton’s hotel is an issue for his employees as well.

“It’s definitely hard finding help,” Milton said. “I hired a maid at one point, but she went outside on a smoke break and was ground into pulp by some giant gears. And my lobby clerk quit after complaining of all the bear traps, water pits, and psychotic children along his route into work. I admit, it’s a rough commute.”

“There was a little boy with glowing eyes who passed through a few days ago,” Milton continued, “but all he did was trash my giant buzzing electric hotel sign. He didn’t check in or even inquire about our rates or amenities.”

“I doubt he had a major credit card anyway,” he added glumly.

Brooklyn, New York —

The logjam occurred at 11:00 am this morning, when the door to the community center opened, then shut, then opened, then shut again, trapping several attendees as they attempted to all enter the room at the same time. There was a great deal of bumping, jostling, and walking in place, as well as a number of pleasant greetings, annoyed shouts, and several non sequiturs from citizens involved in the failed attempt to pass to the doorway.

“Pardon me!” one attendee, visiting from City 17, said for the fifth time as he walked in place, slowly turned in a half-circle, stopped, and added “Reload, Dr. Freeman!”

“Let’s get out of here,” whispered a former hostage from Montana, while running in place against a nearby wall.

“Let’s go,” he continued. “Let’s get out of here. Come on, let’s go.”

“Cheesy vaginas!” added one visitor from Liberty City.

“I said come in, don’t stand there,” said a Stalker from Rostok, working as a volunteer at the seminar and attempting to help the crowd make through the doorway. “I said come in, don’t stand there. I said come in, don’t stand there.”

“We’ve hit a bit of a snag, obviously, but I’m definitely pleased at the turnout,” said the seminar’s organizer, taking awkward stutter-steps as he attempted to squeeze through the doorway amid the crowd of attendees. “Walking though doorways quickly and safely continues to be a big issue for a number of people, and that really shows in how many people are in attendance. And in how many of us are stuck in this doorway.”

“In hindsight, we probably should have held the conference outside,” he admitted, before freezing in place and then falling through the solid concrete sidewalk up to his waist.

The seminar has hit similar snags in the past. Originally scheduled for April, its keynote speaker became stuck behind a barrel and two crates in the alley behind the community center, leading to the seminar’s cancellation. The conference planned for May began with a two-hour wait as one presenter repeatedly failed to climb a few steps up to the podium, before finally giving up and standing completely still with his arms outstretched.

Not everyone attending the seminar got stuck outside the auditorium, however.

“Doors have never been a particular problem for me,” said Hafid Hollowleg, a citizen of Cyrodiil, as he approached the door, faded from sight, then rematerialized on the other side.

“Oh, I don’t need the seminar,” he added. “I’m just here to meet people.”

Venice, Italy — An assassin attempting to relive the experiences of his Italian ancestor, using a device known as an Animus, has reported repeated connection problems that he says are hampering his progress.

Desmond Miles, an assassin, has been using a device known as the Animus 2.0, which allows him to experience the genetic memories of his ancestor, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, another assassin who lived in the late 1400’s. However, the Animus 2.o requires a constant connection the servers of Abstergo Industries, and maintaining that connection has been routinely troublesome for Miles.

“It’s frustrating, definitely” said Miles, as his connection was dropped for the fifth time that day. “When I lose my connection, I lose all the progress I’ve made, and I have to wait for the connection to reestablish itself before I can continue.”

“I could understand if I were engaging in some kind of some multi-assassin mode, where between two and twenty-four assassins were all connecting to the same server at the same time, to relive memories together. Then, yeah, it would make sense to have to be constantly connected to the Abstergo server.”

“But this is a single-assassin experience. The memories are all contained in Animus 2.0, and I’m in the lab, connected to it legitimately… it seems stupid to have to be constantly connected to Abstergo’s server as well.”

Abstergo Industries has stated their strict policy of Digital Restriction of Memories, or DRM, is in place to prevent unregistered assassins from reliving their own ancestors’ genetic memories, though many genuine assassins, like Miles, complain that they are the ones having to deal with the connection problems.

“Meanwhile, some unregistered 13-year-old assassin has a pirated version of the Animus 2.0, that he got for free, and he doesn’t have to deal with this at all,” Miles said bitterly. “I’m an actual assassin and I’m being treated like a criminal.”

“I never had this problem with the original Animus,” he added. “Though those memories weren’t as much fun to relive. They were a little repetitive.”

Thailand, Southeast Asia — Millionaire archeologist and adventurer Lara Croft has died in an apparent suicide by drowning, lawyers for her estate revealed today.

Croft’s tragic death comes just as she was embarking on an expedition to locate Thor’s hammer and gain entrance to the Norse underworld. An eyewitness says it appears she took her own life, deliberately submerging herself beneath the waves off the Thailand coast after repeatedly trying, and failing, to scale a sheer cliff wall.

“I watched her trying to climb this ridiculously steep cliff, clinging from tiny handholds and leaping across chasms,” one bystander said. “She kept falling, though, all the way back down into the water where she started, and kept having to try again.”

After numerous failed attempts, the eyewitness says Croft, frustrated, appeared to give up.

“After her last fall, she just swam down and floated beneath the surface of the water. She did not appear to be in physical distress, and her yacht was anchored not far away. She just deliberately floated down there until she ran out of air.”

“I’m completely shocked by this, but in a way, I can totally see why she did it,” the eyewitness continued. “I was getting frustrated and annoyed just watching her trying to scale those cliffs. I can only imagine how irritating it was for her.”

Though the waters Croft perished in are known for large, dangerous sharks, it does not appear they contributed to her death.

“There were a few sharks present when she initially dove off her yacht, but she quickly swam after them and shot them to death,” the eyewitness said.

“They’re endangered, you know,” he added. “The sharks. Like a lot of the animals she pumps bullets into. I’m just saying.”

“I’ve been there, too, in that frame of mind,” said Link, an adventurer in Hyrule, upon hearing of Croft’s suicide. “I’ve been so exasperated that I’ve wanted to drown myself. That water temple? Talk about frustrating. So many times I just wanted to take off my Zora Tunic and put on my iron boots and let the water fill my lungs and be done with it.”

“When you get overwhelmed, and you think about drowning yourself, you just have to find a healthy outlet for your anger,” he continued. “I usually take out my frustrations by swinging my sword at my annoying fairy guide. That does the trick.”

“I just wish Lara had called me,” Link said. “Maybe I could have talked her out of it.”

Blackwater, West Elizabeth — As a newfangled mechanical contraption known as a “motorized wagon” arrived in Blackwater today, local officials heralded a new age wherein the wanton theft of personal conveyances would finally be at an end.

Unlike horses, which can simply be climbed upon and spurred away by dastardly thieves, the motorized wagon is a complex mechanical wonder, featuring several pedals and levers, a turning-wheel, and complicated ignition device for its internal combustion engine, meaning a potential thief would have long minutes, or even hours of work in order to make off with the motorized contraption.

“It’s not as if some ruffian or ne’er-do-well could simply elbow through a wind-screen, clamber inside the motor wagon, connect a few lengths of wire, and accelerate off with a conveyance that he did not possess the deed to,” says Federal Bureau agent and horseless-carriage enthusiast Archer Fordham.

“Even if some miscreant did manage to perform the complicated steps in order to ignite the auto-engine,” Fordham continues, “and took the time to affix his driving goggles, steering gloves, and travel-smock, he would have to steer the motorized wagon slowly and carefully to prevent damaging it. These are incredibly rare and expensive machines, and not even a callous thief would risk colliding with telegraph poles, postal boxes, or water troughs as he made his get-away.”

Nearly theft-proof, these gasoline-powered mechanical wagons could be safely left outside saloons and brothels while the owner conducted his business inside.

“Even if the owner had to climb the steps of some grand, three-story, sky-scraping courthouse or spend time shopping for tonics and cure-alls in his city’s general store, his personal conveyance would be perfectly safe from theft upon his return,” Fordham says.

“And in the unlikely event an illicit wagon operator might speed away with the power of more than one horse, the thief would find himself confined to cobblestone roads and well-worn dirt paths, making him quite easy to track down, arrest, and hang.”

There are other benefits to replacing horses with motorized carriages. The newfangled auto-wagons do not litter the street with messy excrement as horses do, instead expelling only beautiful dark clouds of harmless diesel fumes.

“I picture a futuristic world where horses have been entirely replaced with these wonderful, gleaming motor-wagons,” Fordham says. “I see a time when you might witness four, perhaps even five motorized carriages in each city. And theft of such personal transportation contraptions would be non-existent.”

“Mark my words,” he added. “Motorized wagons are the best invention since torn bread.”

World of Goo Corporation Headquarters — The World of Goo Corporation is being heavily criticized for what some are calling lackluster efforts to contain a massive Goo spill that is threatening the environment, and possibly even the internet.

Efforts to contain the Goo have had limited success, and many are questioning the methods being used by the WGC to collect the wayward Goo balls.

“The Corporation is doing little, if anything, to capture and contain the spilled Goo,” one expert said. “Yes, it’s true, they have set up intake pipes in certain locations, and it is also true that the Goo balls themselves seem quite intent on reaching those pipes and being sucked into Goo storage containers.”

“What we’re seeing, however, is that the Corporation is placing their intake pipes at great distances from the Goo spills, making it a challenge for the Goo to be collected. In some instances, it initially seems impossible for the Goo to reach the pipes.”

“There was this one huge pit that I never thought the Goo would never be able to cross,” he added. “But they eventually figured it out. That Goo is pretty clever.”

Even when some Goo does manage to reach the pipes, however, there are still massive, sticky Goo bridges, towers, ladders, and other unstable, wobbly structures that are left behind. The environmental impact of the remaining, uncollected Goo is still unknown, and some wildlife sanctuaries, such as Fisty’s Bog, have been severely polluted. The large, gray toad the bog is named after appeared quite ill, possibly due to the massive bridge of Goo that now extends from its mouth.

The Goo spill, originally thought to be quite small, seems to be spreading faster and farther than initially estimated. Some witnesses have reported seeing Goo floating through the air attached to balloons, headed for distant lands, and recent reports indicate that the Goo may have even digitized and spilled into the internet, where it threatens to corrupt the entire Information Superhighway.

Environmental experts say there is no real way to completely prevent the spread of Goo at this point, short of traveling back in time.

“Unfortunately, at this late date, with the spread of Goo so profound, you’d have to pop a time bug the size of Delaware to travel that far back in time,” said one scientist. “And they just don’t grow that big.”

“It suppose could be worse,” another expert offered. “I mean, the Goo balls are really quite adorable.”

“If our planet is going to be smothered in a black, sticky substance, at least it’s darn cute.”

Shawnee County, Kansas — Animal rights activists gathered today to protest against millions of farmers, citing dangerously overcrowded farms and inhumane living conditions for livestock and other animals.

“These farmers are demonstrating an incredible degree of irresponsibility.” one protester said. “Their farms are incredibly overcrowded. They’ve got animals crammed into every square inch of available space. They’re packed in like sardines. It’s inhumane.”

“That dairy building is so crammed with cattle, one cow is actually sticking his head out of a second story window,” the protester added. “That poor cow doesn’t even have room to turn around in its pen. It’s disgusting and cruel.”

“Many of these animals aren’t even traditional livestock,” another protester pointed out. “Look, isn’t that a penguin? What the heck is a penguin doing on a farm with pigs and horses?”

“That farm over there even has a couple baby elephants. I’ve seen kangaroos, gila monsters, and even a few giant pandas, which are highly endangered. Is this a farm or a zoo?”

An overcrowded dairy

While some farmers keep their livestock segregated in separate pens, other farms appear to keep all their animals mixed together, a potentially dangerous situation for the creatures.

“I see all these animals standing around together,” a protester said. “Turkeys, ducks, pigs, reindeer, cats, sheep, goats… all in the same pen. There are even some turtles in there. That doesn’t seem safe. If these animals had any room to move, they could trample each other.”

In addition to crowded conditions, protesters are concerned these animals may not be tended to properly or given the attention they need.

“Most of these farmers only visit their farms once a day, when their crops are ready to be harvested. Then they quickly feed their animals, possibly pet them once, harvest their eggs, or in the case of the penguin, ice cubes, and they’re gone until the next day. It’s neglect, pure and simple. There’s no love on these farms, no concern for the well-being of these creatures. It’s all about profit.”

“When a horse gives birth, it never even gets to care for its foal,” another protester said. “The farmer just lets his friends know there’s a baby horse available, and someone snaps it up. They call it adoption. I call it irresponsible.”

“These farmers need to put the well-being of their animals above their desire for profit.”

“This is a farm,” she added. “This isn’t a game.”

Enrichment Center, Aperture Science Laboratories — A female test subject, freshly awakened from a relaxation vault in a secret underground laboratory, has begun to wonder if the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device she is testing makes her ass look big.

The experimental device can manufacture two linked portals through which light and matter can pass, and after placing parallel portals on walls a few feet apart, the test subject, named Chell, has discovered she can peer through one portal and view her own backside, which, she thinks, looks big.

“Does my ass look big in this portal?” she wondered aloud. “Oh, it looks terrible. Terrible. This orange jumpsuit is all bunchy and bulky, I might as well be wearing a burlap sack.”

“My butt looks even bigger down there,” she said, referring to one of the versions of herself that were duplicated over and over into infinity through the portals. “I think each portal adds ten pounds.”

“These heels aren’t helping either,” she noted, referring to the metal impact-negating prostheses attached to her calves.

Chell continued to view herself through the portal, and along with her concerns regarding the appearance of her ass, she also considered the poor state of her hairdo and complexion after spending an unspecified amount of time in stasis.

“My hair looks awful,” she stated after repositioning the two portals perpendicularly in a corner and stepping close so she could view her profile.”Total bed-head. Oh, my skin, too. My pores are totally clogged. I hope one of these portals opens into a spa.”

Doug Rattmann, a previous Aperture Science test subject now living in seclusion in maintenance areas and crawlspaces of the facility, remained hidden from the concerned, slightly insecure woman.

“I don’t really want to talk to her when she’s in this kind of mood,” he whispered from the section of ductwork he was crouching in. “Anyway, her butt looks fine. Totally great. She totally pulls off that jumpsuit look.”

“Why is she so worried?” he added. “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Chell, a few chambers away, took one last look at her own butt before shrugging, sighing, and continuing through the facility.

“Either way,” she said, “When I’m done here, I’d better skip the cake.”

Story idea by Observer contributor Michael Fiegel.

Arkham Asylum, Gotham City — Legendary Gotham City crime-fighter Batman, after years of vigilante service combating thugs, monsters, and super villains, gradually learned a number of basic crime-fighting moves while dealing with the Joker’s recent takeover of Arkham Asylum.

Despite his years of experience battling numerous insane villains and their hordes of goons and ruffians, Batman, Gotham’s mysterious masked avenger, discovered there is still much to learn about unarmed attacks and evasive maneuvers, such as how to perform unarmed attacks and evasive maneuvers.

“This works great,” Batman growled, throwing one attacking Arkham goon into another. “Throwing one goon into another goon and stunning them both is a great way to deal with crowds of enemies. Why haven’t I tried at some earlier point in my long career of fighting crowds of enemies?”

“Takes a little getting the hang of, though,” he added, attempting another throw and failing. “I’ll have to work on that.”

After foiling the Joker’s latest plan to kill the mayor, Batman was escorting the notorious villain back to the asylum he’d escaped from earlier. Suddenly, after long minutes of foreshadowing, taunting, and other hints of his impending escape, the Joker escaped, taking over the asylum and sending his thugs after Batman, who then began to learn a series of combat moves to deal with the threat.

“Just in time, too,” growled Batman, hanging upside-down from one of Arkham’s many interior stone gargoyles. “I was just dangling here, inverted, wondering how to take down these thugs below me, when I suddenly learned how to do an inverted takedown.”

When facing a murderous escaped lunatic named Victor Zsasz, Batman found himself looking for a way to stealthily take down the criminal. It was at that moment he tried a glide kick, which involves sailing through the air with his cape extended and landing feet-first on his target, for the first time in his career.

“Another useful move,” Batman said. “Glad I suddenly learned that. Makes wearing a cape for all these years totally worth it.”

As he continued taking down enemies, he felt himself becoming more experienced in fighting, and hoped that experience would lead him to further breakthroughs in the art of combat. Spotting a criminal approaching the corner he was concealed behind, Batman waited patiently.

“I just hope I learn some way to take down an enemy from around a corner,” he growled quietly.

“It sure would come in handy right about now.”