Thailand, Southeast Asia — Millionaire archeologist and adventurer Lara Croft has died in an apparent suicide by drowning, lawyers for her estate revealed today.

Croft’s tragic death comes just as she was embarking on an expedition to locate Thor’s hammer and gain entrance to the Norse underworld. An eyewitness says it appears she took her own life, deliberately submerging herself beneath the waves off the Thailand coast after repeatedly trying, and failing, to scale a sheer cliff wall.

“I watched her trying to climb this ridiculously steep cliff, clinging from tiny handholds and leaping across chasms,” one bystander said. “She kept falling, though, all the way back down into the water where she started, and kept having to try again.”

After numerous failed attempts, the eyewitness says Croft, frustrated, appeared to give up.

“After her last fall, she just swam down and floated beneath the surface of the water. She did not appear to be in physical distress, and her yacht was anchored not far away. She just deliberately floated down there until she ran out of air.”

“I’m completely shocked by this, but in a way, I can totally see why she did it,” the eyewitness continued. “I was getting frustrated and annoyed just watching her trying to scale those cliffs. I can only imagine how irritating it was for her.”

Though the waters Croft perished in are known for large, dangerous sharks, it does not appear they contributed to her death.

“There were a few sharks present when she initially dove off her yacht, but she quickly swam after them and shot them to death,” the eyewitness said.

“They’re endangered, you know,” he added. “The sharks. Like a lot of the animals she pumps bullets into. I’m just saying.”

“I’ve been there, too, in that frame of mind,” said Link, an adventurer in Hyrule, upon hearing of Croft’s suicide. “I’ve been so exasperated that I’ve wanted to drown myself. That water temple? Talk about frustrating. So many times I just wanted to take off my Zora Tunic and put on my iron boots and let the water fill my lungs and be done with it.”

“When you get overwhelmed, and you think about drowning yourself, you just have to find a healthy outlet for your anger,” he continued. “I usually take out my frustrations by swinging my sword at my annoying fairy guide. That does the trick.”

“I just wish Lara had called me,” Link said. “Maybe I could have talked her out of it.”

World of Goo Corporation Headquarters — The World of Goo Corporation is being heavily criticized for what some are calling lackluster efforts to contain a massive Goo spill that is threatening the environment, and possibly even the internet.

Efforts to contain the Goo have had limited success, and many are questioning the methods being used by the WGC to collect the wayward Goo balls.

“The Corporation is doing little, if anything, to capture and contain the spilled Goo,” one expert said. “Yes, it’s true, they have set up intake pipes in certain locations, and it is also true that the Goo balls themselves seem quite intent on reaching those pipes and being sucked into Goo storage containers.”

“What we’re seeing, however, is that the Corporation is placing their intake pipes at great distances from the Goo spills, making it a challenge for the Goo to be collected. In some instances, it initially seems impossible for the Goo to reach the pipes.”

“There was this one huge pit that I never thought the Goo would never be able to cross,” he added. “But they eventually figured it out. That Goo is pretty clever.”

Even when some Goo does manage to reach the pipes, however, there are still massive, sticky Goo bridges, towers, ladders, and other unstable, wobbly structures that are left behind. The environmental impact of the remaining, uncollected Goo is still unknown, and some wildlife sanctuaries, such as Fisty’s Bog, have been severely polluted. The large, gray toad the bog is named after appeared quite ill, possibly due to the massive bridge of Goo that now extends from its mouth.

The Goo spill, originally thought to be quite small, seems to be spreading faster and farther than initially estimated. Some witnesses have reported seeing Goo floating through the air attached to balloons, headed for distant lands, and recent reports indicate that the Goo may have even digitized and spilled into the internet, where it threatens to corrupt the entire Information Superhighway.

Environmental experts say there is no real way to completely prevent the spread of Goo at this point, short of traveling back in time.

“Unfortunately, at this late date, with the spread of Goo so profound, you’d have to pop a time bug the size of Delaware to travel that far back in time,” said one scientist. “And they just don’t grow that big.”

“It suppose could be worse,” another expert offered. “I mean, the Goo balls are really quite adorable.”

“If our planet is going to be smothered in a black, sticky substance, at least it’s darn cute.”

Shawnee County, Kansas — Animal rights activists gathered today to protest against millions of farmers, citing dangerously overcrowded farms and inhumane living conditions for livestock and other animals.

“These farmers are demonstrating an incredible degree of irresponsibility.” one protester said. “Their farms are incredibly overcrowded. They’ve got animals crammed into every square inch of available space. They’re packed in like sardines. It’s inhumane.”

“That dairy building is so crammed with cattle, one cow is actually sticking his head out of a second story window,” the protester added. “That poor cow doesn’t even have room to turn around in its pen. It’s disgusting and cruel.”

“Many of these animals aren’t even traditional livestock,” another protester pointed out. “Look, isn’t that a penguin? What the heck is a penguin doing on a farm with pigs and horses?”

“That farm over there even has a couple baby elephants. I’ve seen kangaroos, gila monsters, and even a few giant pandas, which are highly endangered. Is this a farm or a zoo?”

An overcrowded dairy

While some farmers keep their livestock segregated in separate pens, other farms appear to keep all their animals mixed together, a potentially dangerous situation for the creatures.

“I see all these animals standing around together,” a protester said. “Turkeys, ducks, pigs, reindeer, cats, sheep, goats… all in the same pen. There are even some turtles in there. That doesn’t seem safe. If these animals had any room to move, they could trample each other.”

In addition to crowded conditions, protesters are concerned these animals may not be tended to properly or given the attention they need.

“Most of these farmers only visit their farms once a day, when their crops are ready to be harvested. Then they quickly feed their animals, possibly pet them once, harvest their eggs, or in the case of the penguin, ice cubes, and they’re gone until the next day. It’s neglect, pure and simple. There’s no love on these farms, no concern for the well-being of these creatures. It’s all about profit.”

“When a horse gives birth, it never even gets to care for its foal,” another protester said. “The farmer just lets his friends know there’s a baby horse available, and someone snaps it up. They call it adoption. I call it irresponsible.”

“These farmers need to put the well-being of their animals above their desire for profit.”

“This is a farm,” she added. “This isn’t a game.”

Washington, D.C. — As word spreads of the adventures of quirky, charming, non-violent adventurers using puzzle-solving and exploration to cope with their problems, parents are growing more and more concerned that today’s children are learning that non-violence is an option.

“Look at our cities today,” one horrified parent said during a protest at the nation’s capitol. “Full of gun-toting thugs, monsters, zombies, aliens, and super-villains. Meanwhile, my teenage son was going on and on about some charming little bird-man he heard about, who lived in a peaceful realm where he ate blueberries and collected over-sized pencils and apples.”

“I checked out this blueberry-filled garden he was telling me about,” she continued. “It was serene, peaceful, with gentle piano music playing in the background. Piano music? How is my child going to learn to lock and load or run and gun, listening to anything other than pulse-pounding, teeth-rattling electronica?”

She went on to express her fears that the lessons in non-violence from these quirky, gentle adventurers will leave children vulnerable in a harsh, unforgiving world full of explosions and monsters.

“He’s going to be woefully unprepared for the realities of our violent world,” she said, as a burning helicopter slammed into a building behind her and several cars hurtled by, spitting gunfire. “A crowd of gangsters will ambush him in an alley, or zombie hordes will swarm all over him, and all he’ll know how to do is make a tower out of giant dice and wedges of cheese.”

“It’s fine for adults to occasionally put down their machine guns and flamethrowers and do a little puzzle-solving,” said Tom Jackson, a lawyer for the activist group Violence Alliance, which promotes teaching children to solve their problems with hand grenades and laser weapons. “But kids are so impressionable. They may think that solving puzzles or exploring quirky, artistic landscapes is fun and worthwhile. It’s disgusting. These environments are just puzzle-simulators. They’re teaching our children it’s better to think than to shoot.”

Another concerned parent spoke of his son, who had heard about a robot named Josef living in the city of Machinarium.

Is this robot teaching our children not to kill?

“I guess this robot carefully and cleverly disguised himself as security bot in order to bypass a checkpoint,” the parent explained, “by putting a traffic cone on his head and topping it off with a light-bulb. That’s a terrible lesson for our children, when simply shooting the security bot with a sniper rifle or taking him out with a pulse grenade would have done the trick in far less time.”

The child, meanwhile, wants to visit Machinarium someday to solve puzzles of his own.

“Not gonna happen,” said the boy’s father. “No son of mine is going to wind up wearing a traffic cone on his head on some delightfully quirky and charming environment. I’m enrolling him in Bullworth Academy in New England, and then he’s enlisting in the Space Marines.”

“You think a traffic cone is gonna impress the Cacodemons and Hellknights? Huh?” he yelled at his son, who was quietly tying a length of string to a magnet in an effort to fish a metallic object out of a puddle.

“See? See what they’re teaching him?” the father said, dragging his son away by the arm. “After a couple tours on Phobos, he’s gonna learn that non-violence is not the answer.”

Ferelden, Thedas — During a violent, murderous raid on a small farming community in Ferelden, a demonic member of the invading Darkspawn army took a break from dismembering villagers to reflect on his future job prospects.

“Right now, things are great, job-wise,” the demonic Hurlock warrior said, feasting on the steaming entrails of a slaughtered peasant child. “There are plenty of humans, dwarves, and elves to kill. The job market for marauding demons is strong. I just worry about what comes next, after we’ve killed them all.”

“I see two possibilities for us,” the Hurlock said. “A heroic band of Grey Wardens will slay us, freeing the land from our murderous reign of terror. Or, the Darkspawn will triumph, wiping out all the other races in the world. Honestly, it’s the second scenario that really worries me.”

“I feel like we’re wholly unprepared for victory,” he continued, thoughtfully licking the blood of a freshly killed peasant woman off his blackened claws. “Once the war is over, there will be a whole new series of challenges for the Darkspawn. Repairing the infrastructure, for instance. Rebuilding castles. Fixing roads and bridges. Creating a working economy. What do marauding demons with a thirst for living flesh know about any of that?”

“I can devour human children,” he added, “But I don’t know the first thing about building schools for our little Genlocks.”

The Hurlock is not the only one worried about future job prospects. Whether they come from the shadowy abyss of a blood-red netherworld, through an interdimensional portal inadvertently opened by foolhardy scientists, or are simply the living constructs of evil wizards, employment prospects for murderous creatures has always seemed healthy. Many marauders, however, are now questioning just how strong that job market really is in the long term.

“Find the Ring, kill everyone else,” said one Tarkrip Skirmisher stationed on the North Downs of Middle-Earth. “That’s pretty much all the boss tells me. There’s no mention of what happens afterward, when the Ring is found and everyone is dead. What will I do for work then? Open a pottery shop? Become a tailor? My hands were made for strangling the life out of halflings, not stitching up torn pantaloons. It’ll be straight to the unemployment line for me.”

The Hurlock demon echos the Orc’s worries. “I was killing these farmers earlier today,” he said. “I tore out their innards, sucked marrow from their bones, and so forth. When I was done, I looked at their farm and thought, wow, this looks kind of complicated. He’s got an irrigation system here I couldn’t even begin to figure out, and I don’t know the first thing about how and when to harvest crops. Burning crops, I got a handle on that, but not harvesting them.”

“Even if I get promoted to Hurlock Emissary, what spells could I learn? Death Magic? Drain Life? Those are great for killing innocents. Not so great for holding down a job once all the innocents are dead. We’re going to need plumbers and craftsmen and accountants to function as a society. I don’t know how to do any of that stuff.”

He displayed his resume, which was etched into a ragged strip of human skin. Under skills, it just read KILLING, MURDERING, DEATH-BRINGING, BONE-CRUSHING, SOUL-RENDING, LIGHT FILING.”

“I made up the last one,” the Hurlock admitted. “Everyone lies on their resume a little. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t know the first thing about filing. I don’t even know what a file is. Is it something you kill?”

He thoughtfully chewed through the tender neck of a struggling, middle-aged blacksmith. “Look,” he said between bites. “I’m worried for my future. I just want to stay relevant.”

Kalt, Germany — Roughly 30 years after the first shot was fired, it seems nothing — not the billions of lives lost, not the trillions of dollars spent, not even the repeated assassination of the dreaded Mecha-Hitler — will bring about the end of World War II. Citizens the world over have begun to wonder if the brutal, destructive conflict will ever end, and why it hasn’t already.

“Well, It’s an extremely popular war,” says Sergeant Bill Taylor, who has personally participated in thousands of invasions of Normandy. “Simple as that. Soldiers love it. Ask a soldier to choose which war he’d most like to fight and die in, and he’ll choose World War II. Every time.”

Variety, Taylor surmises, is one of the big reasons the war remains so popular with soldiers both young and old. “You like tanks? Planes? Trench warfare? Submarines? You want to shoot guys close-up, or give orders to a squad from a safe distance? You want to fight in Europe or Russia or Africa or the Pacific? World War II has got it all. It’s just a fantastic war.”

Taylor admits recruitment in the decades-long conflict does seem to drop from time to time, but remains confident that every few months the fighting will escalate once more, drawing in new combatants as well as battle-hardened veterans.

“Sometimes soldiers will leave and try out another war. Maybe in another time period, like Ancient Rome or the Napoleonic Era. Sometimes they go fight in space or with a bunch of stupid elves or something, but eventually they come back to good old World War II. ”

Mecha-Hitler's repeated deaths have done little to end the war.

“Sure, there are more modern conflicts,” he adds. “The Middle East is hot right now. But World War II is a classic, and you just can’t beat a classic.”

As well as its popularity among soldiers, some cite the increase in complexity of the seemingly endless war as an important factor in its longevity.

“Early on in the war, the conflict was relatively simple, maybe a single pilot in a Super Ace plane, trying to single-handedly destroy the Japanese fleet,” says Captain B.J. Blazkowicz, who has fought in numerous campaigns against Nazi forces.

“When I started fighting, it was just me, creeping around a Nazi stronghold, bribing guards, unlocking chests, looking for secret Nazi war plans. Later, it got a lot more violent and more complicated. More weapons, more enemies. Now, instead of lone soldiers facing throngs of Axis enemies by themselves, I look around and see the battlefields are full of soldiers. Twenty-four, thirty-two, sometimes even more.”

Whether due to popularity, complexity, or the sheer number of different ways for soldiers to join the fight, it remains certain that World War II is showing no signs of letting up.

“When faced with the choice of fighting in modern conflicts, space wars of the future, or sword-and sorcery battles in medieval or fantasy realms,” Sergeant Taylor concludes, “we’re finding that many soldiers will still choose World War II.”

“Let’s face it. No one will ever get tired of killing Nazis.”

Panau, South-East Asia — A sudden rise in temperature on the island of Panau, possibly brought on by massive explosions and the resulting fires, has some climatologists concerned about man-made climate change, but Panau President Pandak “Baby” Panay claims it is just part of the island’s natural cycle.

“Temperatures are always fluctuating, not just in Panau, but world-wide,” President Panay said in a press release. “It is not of concern. It is completely natural, these explosions of fuel stations, oil tanks, passenger jets, radar dishes, military vehicles, and surface-to-air missile sites. It is all part of the mother nature’s normal, natural cycle and should not lower morale. All glory to Panau.”

Climate scientists from other nations aren’t so sure. The sudden spike in temperature, which began on March 23 of this year, may be man-made, and possibly the result of a highly skilled CIA agent who has infiltrated the island and is attacking military installations and fuel stations in an attempt to cause chaos, thus undermining Panay’s oppressive stranglehold over the island nation.

“You might get a natural fire or two from lightning or dry brush,” one Australian scientist said. “And maybe a few from industrial accidents or faulty equipment. But the entire island is erupting in explosions and fires, which leads me to believe an elite commando is causing mayhem with automatic weapons, rocket launchers, grenades, and maybe some kind of magic grappling hook.”

“The data doesn’t lie,” said one member of the United States Global Change Research Program, echoing the sentiments of roughly ninety-percent of the world’s climate scientists. “This rise in temperature on Panau is most likely the result of a lone agent on a top-secret, U.S. funded mission of regime-change through massive property destruction.”

Panau scientists agree with their President, however, that the rise in temperature is simply a natural occurrence. Dr. Kayu Venka, of The State-Funded Climate Research Facility For The Glory of Panau and Its Esteemed President Panay, denies any link between the sudden increase in temperature and any elusive, wise-cracking secret agent of chaos.

Science wonders: natural or grenade-based causes?

“This appears to be perfectly normal,” Dr. Venka read off a piece of paper, while shooting nervous glances at a ninja standing silently nearby pointing a sub-machine gun at his head. “Nothing man-made. Just natural warming. That’s what the data says. Everything is fine. Probably nothing to worry about.”

“Definitely nothing to worry about,” he quickly added as the ninja pressed the gun against his temple.

Citizens of Panau seem divided on the issue. Several members of “The Roaches”, a Panau drug cartel, chanted “Scorpio! Scorpio! Scorpio!” while standing around the burning remains of a series of fuel tanks, indicating they believe a shadowy agent of destruction is responsible for the warmer climate.

Others disagree. One truck driver said loudly “I agree with our glorious, shining leader on any and all issues.” Another citizen, standing in front of his burning car, said “I am pleased my car is upside-down in a ditch and on fire with the deadly, scalding flames of completely natural climate changing events.”

One member of the Panau military, dangling from a bridge by a cable that had punctured his lower abdomen, said simply “All glory to Panau!” before passing out.

Planet Cocytus — Trapped on a mysterious planet and stumped for ideas, NASA Pilot and survival expert Commander Boston Low, trying to transport himself and his crew back to earth, has resorted to trying to use every item he’s found with every other item he’s found.

“I just don’t know what else to do at this point,” Commander Low stated, clearly frustrated. “I’ve been walking all over this planet, and for a while things seemed to be going pretty well, but now I’m just stuck.”

His mission began when he was dispatched aboard the Space Shuttle to divert the path of an asteroid that was on a collision course with Earth. Successfully planting and detonating explosives on the asteroid’s surface, the rock was safely diverted into low earth orbit. Low and his companions, upon investigating the hollow asteroid, found themselves transported to a strange planet with no way to return home.

After some exploration, Low realized he was simply not progressing with his mission any further, and, with no other ideas, he decided to try to combine the various items he’s collected.

“I’ve got a wire, and a rod, and a shovel, and a bunch of other things,” he said, tiredly looking through the collection of objects he’d found since arriving on the planet. “There’s also a lens, a jawbone, a bracelet, and a couple different crystals. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with any of this junk.”

“This sucks,” he added. “I was really having fun there for a while.”

After trying to use each item with different features of the environment, such as columns, devices, and code panels with no results, he finally decided to try combining the items with the other items in hopes of creating a brand new item that might be of some help.

“Well, I’m trying the shovel with the jawbone. That didn’t work. Maybe the shovel with the bracelet? No, that doesn’t work. Maybe the jawbone with the bracelet? Dammit. Nothing.”

After trying all of his items with all of his other items, Low wandered off to a location he’d been in several times before. After examining the same area he’d previously examined, he discovered what appeared to be a machine part.

“Great,” he said. “Another item. I guess I’ll have to try this machine part with everything else I’ve got. That’ll be fun.”

Mount Sinai Medical Center, New York — A shocking report was released today by medical researchers working at the Mount Sinai Medical Center’s Bullet-Time Research and Treatment Division, stating that as many as one in four children today are being born with the ability to temporarily slow down time.

“We didn’t expect these numbers,” said Dr. John Anderson, chief researcher of the phenomenon, concluding the five year study. “Frankly, no one did.”

While it has been generally accepted that the ability was becoming more widespread in recent years, particularly among gun-toting vigilantes, high-tech super-soldiers, and Old West renegades, the report still stunned the medical community and the public at large. Dr. Anderson explained the reason it has been difficult to present accurate data until now.

“The problem is, this ability to manipulate the time-stream has been called many, many different things in the past, and in the future as well. Bullet-Time, Matrix-Time, Heightened Reflexes, Adrenaline Rush, Focus Mode, Force Speed… the list goes on and on.”

Dr. Anderson proceeded to go on and on. “Exceeding Sense, The Speedbreaker, Warp Time, Double Haste, Impact Time… I think that’s most of them.”

“That’s precisely why it’s been so difficult to diagnose in both children and adults. But once we started looking at all of these abilities as the same syndrome, we realized it was far more widespread than we initially thought.”

The rise in the number of adults and children with the supernatural ability has caused a great deal of concern for friends and family of the afflicted. “I think everyone probably has a friend or a co-worker or a weird uncle who can slow down time,” said Mildred Payne, whose son was diagnosed with the ability in early adulthood. “But when it’s your own child, it’s a little disturbing. Don’t get me wrong. I love and support my son, and accept him as for who he is. It’s not a choice, he was just born that way. I know that. But it’s still hard not to worry.”

Possessing the ability to slow down time might not be a bad thing, Dr. Anderson was quick to point out. “Look at is this way. There have been mechanical devices specifically designed to give the bearer a similar ability, such as the Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System, or V.A.T.S., which indicates, in my mind, that being born with such a talent is a blessing, not a curse.”

“People afflicted with Bullet-Time can lead happy, fulfilling lives,” the doctor continued. “Maybe even happier than most. I mean, with Bullet-Time it’s much easier to pump round after round of white-hot lead into the heads of attacking mutants, clone soldiers, or enemy aliens with deadly accuracy. I could definitely see that coming in handy.”

The Citadel, Serpent Nebula — Commander Shepard of the U.S.S. Normandy chalked up another important victory today when she solved a minor dispute involving a missing, possibly stolen credit chit on The Citadel. Citizens of the universe, still in grave peril from an alien species of immense power and unthinkable evil, rejoiced at Commander Shepard’s key role in solving this minor disagreement.

The trivial incident occurred on Level 26 of The Citadel. A Volus named Kor Tun discovered he was missing a credit chit shortly after bumping into a female Quarian named Lia’Vael. Suspecting she had deliberately engineered their collision to surreptitiously lift the chit from his pocket, Kor Tun flagged down a C-Sec officer and demanded the Quarian be placed under arrest.

It was at this point that Commander Shepard, who had earlier been investigating the mysterious abduction of thousands of colonists by unknown evil alien forces, but who had stopped by the Citadel to shop for tropical fish for her aquarium, overheard the dispute and intervened.

After obtaining each individual’s interpretation of the incident, Shepard began her in-depth investigation, putting the pressing matter of the salvation of the universe on hold once again. Shepard spoke to employees at the Sirta Foundation, where the two aliens had bumped into each other, and at Saronis Applications, where Kor Tun had been shopping earlier. Shepard eventually determined that Kor Tun had made some purchases with the chit but had accidentally left it in the store.

As the matter of the thousands of missing, possibly murdered colonists remained a chilling mystery, Shepard made a quick trip to search for platinum on a planet in the Pax System and took a lengthy detour to have a drink and watch an exotic dancer in the Afterlife Club in the Omega Nebula. She then returned to the Citadel, where the three participants in the missing chit incident were still patiently waiting where she had left them. Shepard informed them of her discovery: the Volus had simply forgotten to take his credit chit with him after leaving Saronis Applications, who were holding it for him.

“That’s what makes Shepard such a valuable commander,” one bystander said. “She has the leadership to put the fate of the universe and the well-being of thousands of missing colonists on hold to look into the smallest personal matter, such as finding ingredients for her ship’s cook so he can prepare a nice meal, buying toy spaceships to decorate her cabin, or seeing how many of her shipmates she can seduce.”

News of Shepard’s decisive minor victory quickly spread through the galaxy, lifting the spirits of people everywhere who were wondering what had happened to their missing loved ones and how soon they too would be abducted and consumed by the ancient evil plaguing the universe.

Even people in other dimensions of the multiverse were impressed with Shepard’s ability to ignore impending doom in favor of resolving minor dust-ups. “You just don’t see that kind of dedication to trivial matters anymore,” said Arvena Thelas, a Dunmer commoner living in the Cyrodiil city of Anvil. “The last time I remember anything like that was when the Hero of Kvatch took time off from closing demon-filled Oblivion Gates that were threatening to bring about the end of the world, in order to help me a problem I had with the rats in my basement.”

Commander Shepard could not be reached for comment, as she had once again placed her primary mission on hold to share a bottle of brandy with her ship’s doctor.