"Space Panic"

A science-fiction craze is sweeping the nation, what with movies like The Empire Strikes Back, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, and Heartbeeps breaking box-office records across the globe.  And the game designers of ColecoVision, with their keen eyes trained on the future, are not about to be left behind.

Just a few years back in 1979, the movie Alien taught us that in space, no one can hear you scream.  Enter Space Panic, a sci-fi thriller of a game that teaches us that in space, no one can hear you dig holes in brick flooring with a shovel while you're being chased around by tomatoes.

Coleco's challenging SPACE PANIC pits your Spaceman against the cunning Space Monsters who are out to get him.  Make your Spaceman dig holes in girder floors to make the monsters fall through to their doom... Can you eliminate all the Space Monsters before your oxygen runs out? 

Just by reading that copy from the game booklet, I started to panic myself!  Space Monsters?  Limited oxygen supply?  Digging?  Were those game wizards at ColecoVision trying to give me a coronary?

Still, I had a job to do, so I popped in the game, grabbed my phone-like controller, and held my breath.

The game begins with a brief burst of inspirational music, and then our Spaceman trots out into what appears to be an empty room.  Well, this doesn't look too challenging, I thought.  There's nothing there!  No monsters, no girders, no nothing!

Our Spaceman, however, did not share my optimism.  He was already in such a state of space panic that, well, he was losing control of some of his bodily functions.  Let's see, how can I put this kindly... our Spaceman has a bit of an excitable sphincter.  It seems when he is in a state of panic, which is constantly, he, um... expels a fair amount of gas.  

See, he... he farts.  

A lot.  

You can hear a sample by clicking here.

It's not a problem for him when he's standing still, but as soon as he starts running, the anal wind is released at a steady pace.  I'd like to stress that this is nothing to be embarrassed about!  It's not an easy job, being a Spaceman.  There is a lot of stress involved.  It's not like the glamorous experience we see in a lot of movies, such as 2001: A Space Odyssey, which was all symphony music and jogging on ceilings (I admit, I fell asleep during the first 15 minutes, but I assume that nothing else happened in the film).  If you were running around in space, you might cut a few, too.

Suddenly, with another fanfare of music that only be described as "the same music from a moment ago", a structure of ladders and brick floors appeared overhead, as well as a number of horrifying creatures that can only be described as "sort of tomato-like".  

Talk about panic!!  What should I do?  I ran for the nearest ladder, farting in horror, and ascended to a higher level to try to deal with these threatening creatures from the produce section of some alien Winn-Dixie.

As I climbed a ladder, I noticed my Spaceman's frenzied flatulence took on a different sound (click to listen).  Despite my state of panic, I had to hand it to those game developers at ColecoVision... having the foresight to change the tone and pitch of the main character's intestinal trumpeting...  Genius.  But, I had no time to marvel over this, as the creatures were literally swarming around after me.  Sure, their movement appeared to be highly random, but I suspected this was not the case.  They are aliens, after all, and what may appear to be random movements with no sign of artificial intelligence on the part of the programmers could easily be a ruse to trap me.

Noisily making my way to the top level, I used my Space Shovel to dig a Space Hole in the Space Brick Flooring with two or three quick Space Scoops.  Sure enough, the alien fell in and was trapped!  Happily (but still farting) I dashed off, yet my victory was short-lived, as the alien 'mater squirmed out of the hole, filling it in behind him.  

I ran off as fast as I could, but the tomato gave chase and bit me right on the hinder!

Fiendish beast!

Also, extremely brave beast, considering what was going on with my hinder.  Was there any way to stop these creatures?

Then, I remembered my controller... there was, after all, that second button... I'd hadn't used it up to this point, in fact, I was a little afraid to.  Yet I wondered if that might be the key to beating these creatures.  I quickly dug another hole, let a tomato fall in, the hit my other button.  Sure enough, my Spaceman filled in the hole and the Space Monster plummeted approximately five feet to his death!  Hooray!

Of course, there is something to consider when facing creatures from planets unknown.  Is it possible that they are as afraid of us as we are of them?  Might they be experiencing their own form of space panic?  The thought hit me when I realized that the tomatoes were, indeed, emitting their own worried farting sounds (click to listen).

Should I feel so triumphant when I send them hurtling to their demise?  Am I missing the bigger picture?  Could I be, after all, the real alien here?

Of course not.  They're freakish tomatoes.  They have to die.

Suddenly, a warning sounded.  I had forgotten about my oxygen supply, and it was dwindling, perhaps due to the fact that I was expelling it from my rectum at a fevered pace. 

My Spaceman's face turned a deep shade of red, and it may have been my imagination, but his farts seemed to take on an ominous, almost threatening tone as my oxygen levels dipped dangerously low.  There were still 3 other space tomatoes wandering "aimlessly" about, and I had to hurry up and send them to that great vegetable garden in the sky.

I dashed about, digging holes, trapping pulpy, walking fruit, and filling them back in, but alas, I was too slow.  My oxygen ran out, and with chilling realism, my Spaceman's head shrank down into his neck and he keeled over backwards.

Horrifying.  From now on, whenever I think about Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and uh... that third guy, who became American heroes by visiting the moon, I will shudder to think how close they may have come to having their heads sucked into their necks by a lack of oxygen.  Gentlemen, I salute you.

Space Panic thrilled me, chilled me, and made me wonder about the future.  Sure, our boys have been to the moon, and while they weren't chased by tomatoes, what about next time?  Will they be ready?

We don't really know what the future holds for the space program.  Perhaps, one day, the great thinkers and engineers of our country will create some sort of vehicle, some sort of reusable "space-shuttle" if you will, that will carry astronauts into space on a regular basis, where they might conduct scientific experiments in, I dunno, some kinda "international space-station".

Of course, that all may sound far-fetched.  But if it happens, I sure hope they remember to bring their shovels.