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E-Mail to:  All University Staff
From: The Dean

Subject: Floors of the School -- Black Marks

The maintenance crew usually works until 1:00 a.m. or 2:00 a.m. every evening polishing the floors so that you can see your face on the floors in the morning. Within one hour, almost on every floor, there are black smudge marks from individuals' shoes.

I would appreciate it if each one of you would find out if your shoes are the culprit that are causing the problems on our floors. It would be helpful if we could identify the problem shoes, and perhaps those individuals could wear different shoes or have their heels replaced.

It is disheartening to our maintenance team to work so hard to prepare our facilities for daily use, only to have black smudges on every floor of the school caused by individuals' shoes with the first hour each morning.

Your attention to this would be sincerely appreciated.

Thank you.

Does this sound like the ravings of a lunatic?  I get an image of the Dean, crouching on the floors of the school, sleeves rolled up, late, late into the night, rag in hand, scouring the floor, muttering "Dirty.  Dirty black marks.  So dirty.  Dirty..."

I was disappointed to find that my shoes did not leave black marks, because I would like to drive the Dean insane, if at all possible.  I'd spend extra time in the hallways, just scuffing the shit out of the floors, in hope of increasingly frantic follow-up e-mails from the demented old guy, wherein he would suggest that we ban all footwear in the school, or simply avoid the floors altogether, moving through the University, spider-like, clinging to the walls.

Also, in this, the politically correct, um, Oh-Oh's, or whatever we're supposed to call this decade, don't you think "Black Marks" is not the most sensitive term?  How about "Marks of Color"?

One more thing I'd like to point out: two of the people I forwarded this memo to brought to my attention the combination of overly reflective floors and anyone wearing a skirt.  Hm.  Maybe the Dean is not an anal-retentive micromanaging Nazi.  Maybe he's just a dirty old man.

E-Mail to:  All Employees

Subject: Coffee Grounds
Fred Prewitt and I decided the coffee grounds should not go to waste and could be used in a home compost container.
Also realized was how much worms really love coffee grounds and to not overwork any one family of worms. So, what was decided was to set aside a container (it comes with a lid and handle) for the coffee grounds next to the coffee machine and at the end of the week an interested party could take them home to their compost container.
For those of you who have an interest in taking the coffee grounds home, please use the sign up sheet is in the coffee room. Fred will take the compost home the first week.
If you have any questions or require further information, please call Cathy ext.502.
P.S. As soon as the printers are working again, a sign up sheet will be posted.

I have a question, Cathy.  Several in fact.

First, I'm guessing this was no off-hand discussion you had with Fred.  You guys booked a conference room and prepared color overheads to come to this decision, am I right?

Second, you describe the container has having a lid and handle, but I'm having trouble picturing it.  Perhaps you could provide the dimensions of the container, so I can optimize my lifting/transporting scenario.  Oh, and is it see-through?  Brand-name or generic?  Snap-on lid?  Airtight?  Let me know, 'kay??  Thanks!

Third, can I tell you how happy I am that someone is finally thinking of the worms??  Not just that they get fresh coffee grounds, but that no one worm "family" has too little (or too much!!!).

Fourth, while I understand that Fred, no doubt the brain child behind this operation, has the right to take the coffee grounds the first week, can you explain to him that it's not really something to brag about?  He's been strutting around here like he thought up the "Clean up after yourself: Your mother doesn't work here" laminated break-room sign of '98.

Fifth.  If anyone actually signs up to take old, wet coffee grounds home, I will punch them.

Okay, so.  That wasn't really a question.

 I just like the subject line in this one.

E-Mail to:  Chief of Anatomic Pathology
From:  Administrative Policy & Procedures Committee

Subject: Autopsy Consents for Unclaimed Dead and Retention of Body and Body Parts
Attached is draft #3 of the revisions to the above policy.  I have bolded the changes for your review.  Please review and make any additional changes on the policy itself and return to me by Friday, October 17.
Thank you.  


During this job, I had to call the managers of a number of retail stores.  Keep in mind, I had to CALL them.  Over the PHONE.  

E-Mail to:  Christopher Livingston
From:  Retail Manager

Subject: New Manager Orientation
When you call the managers, here's what to tell them.  Please call afetr 2PM today, as Monday is too late.  THanks.
THIS IS a great way to get answers to your questions and find out about upcoming events.
Chris:  BE CHEERY AND UPBEAT!!  SMILE!!  (Really.  These people generally don't have time to listen and are anxious to cut you off.) 

Um... why do I have to smile again?  I'm ON THE PHONE.

Special Bonus:  See the MEMO FROM HELL.

If you come across any interesting memos, e-mail them to:  If at all possible, do not send it as an attachment, just include it in the text of the e-mail.  If you do need to send it as an attachment, e-mail me first and I'll let you know what formats I can use.  I will change the names of anyone mentioned in the memo, as well as the company name, or anything that could identify either you, a co-worker, or the place you work.  If you would like your name or e-mail posted, I would be happy to give you credit, so let me know!

Note:  These memos are verbatim, including any typos.  They only things I've changed are names and dates.

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