None, zero, zilch. Have done nothing. Man, 4 months and I've done absolutely nothing. Sigh.
Wrote to NPR for submission guidelines on the advice of a few readers. I think some of my essays might be pretty good on the radio, provided they were shortened a bit and read by someone with a better voice than mine.
...and I just got an auto-reply. Looks like they want items to be under 350 words. UNDER 350 WORDS? Fuck me. I'm usually still setting up my first damn joke 350 words in. Anyway, I'm editing a few things down, like a Spider-Man essay (kinda topical), something I wrote about enjoying your job by acting like a professional athlete (which I can make topical by mentioning the looming baseball strike), and something I wrote about ineffective anti-smoking ads. I'll send them tonight, once I whip them into shape.
I suck, and that's about all there is to it.
Submitted same piece to the SF Chronicle. Whoopee.
Queried the San Francisco Chronicle and the Sacramento Bee about Op-Ed stuff. I don't really think what I'm planning to send them could be considered op-ed by any stretch of the imagination. It's basically sarcastic humor about stuff that bothers me. This is probably a waste of time, but I think Dave Barry's first published thing was an humor/op-ed of some sort that he sent to a paper. Which is a dumb reason to do this, but fuck it. Can't hurt and it doesn't take long. Most of the Sac Bee op-ed stuff looks really short, like 400 words or so, which sucks. I like editing my stuff down, but I'm not good at hacking huge chunks out, unfortunately.
No response from the Alameda Times-Star. Fuckers! This small-town paper could use some bug-fart jokes.
Edited "Alas, Alack, Alarm". Redid the beginning and dropped some stuff out of the middle including kind of a major joke that just wasn't working. Couldn't get it phrased right and just took it out. Took out the swear words and changed the ruder references a little. Cut the piece from 653 words to 581. Still more or less the same piece.
Wrote to an Editor at Ang Newspapers, he gave me the correct e-mail address to submit op-ed stuff for the Alameda paper. Also confirmed that they like a word-count of about 600 words for op-ed.
Submitted the piece via e-mail to the Op-Ed person at the paper.
Note: First actual joke in piece involves an insect farting. Golly, could this hurt my chances?