DVD | e-Books | Movies | Television | Video Games

On The Menu: Nazi Dinosaurs, Medieval Stoners, and Norm!

As I’m typing this week’s menu, I’m sitting in a cafe across from two young people clearly on a first date. Man, I’m so glad I’m not single anymore. The mid-day coffee date is the worst date ever. Even if things totally work out, both people have horrible coffee breath and it’s the middle of the afternoon (on a Sunday, in this case). Luckily for these two, it is clearly not working out, though they’re both trying to pretend it is. I feel like I should pull a gun and rob the cafe, if only to give them an excuse to cut the date short.

This cafe also appears to be a prime spot for divorced couples to swap out their shared children. So, this whole place is incredibly depressing.

Anyway, here’s what’s coming to screens this week!

[Read more…]

Featured | Opinion

Our Twenty-Third Attempt At Building A Utopian City Is Certain To Succeed!

By Horace P. Dunwoody, Developer and Industrialist

My good citizens,

We all know our country’s proud history of attempting to build Utopian societies in exclusive, or as some would say, dangerous and ridiculous, locations. We all know that each of the twenty-two previous attempts to do so have failed, and failed horribly. But that is no reason not to make a twenty-third attempt! And I have every faith that this time, we shall succeed!

It will certainly not be easy. We can recall the failure of the gleaming, floating city of Columbia, built in the clouds in the early 20th Century, and how it quickly and shockingly came to ruin. I need not go into the details: we all remember them clearly.

We also remember Andrew Ryan’s bold dream for Rapture in the 1940’s, his proud city built beneath the sea, and how, despite an entirely logical plan involving the torture of little girls and the sale of affordable proximity mines, it still somehow fell into chaos.

We remember another attempt at Utopia in the 1950’s, with the great city of Metro-Hyperion, which was suspended from a cliff by a mighty rope, and how it swung and spun and turned to-and-fro so beautifully in the gusty winds, and how citizens eventually became tired of constantly falling over and vomiting on themselves. And so, it was abandoned.

Horace Dunwoody, circa 2007

And Isla De Lunar, built on the moon by hundreds of the patriotic monkeys from the early days of our space program, though sadly, when the time came for the city to be populated by our human astronauts, no amount of scrubbing would get that disgusting monkey smell out of the walls.

And of course, there was the massive city of Oakstone, built of gleaming, solid marble in the branches of a mighty oak tree, which, as it turns out, was not remotely mighty enough to support the weight of a city built of gleaming, solid marble. Not even close. Hoo boy, no.

And always shall we remember Evermoss! The inspiring Utopia of Evermoss, built entirely on a patch of peat moss. It succeeded brilliantly from the start and remains intact, though as the patch of moss is only eleven inches wide, the city is far too small for anyone besides a few insects and one hungry bird to enter.

Following those failures came the city of Centuria, a metropolis built half-underground and half in ice, producing the blissful Utopia we all had dreamed of, or at least that one of us had dreamed of, that one being architect Robert Whipple, who dreamed of constantly being very, very cold and very, very dirty. He lives there still. Please stop by and see him. He is quite lonely and needs groceries.

So many, many triumphs! Followed immediately by so many, many failures. The exact same number of each, in fact.

There were others, of course, all built with the inspiring ideals of Utopia we continue to strive for. The city of New Magma, built inside an active volcano. The city of Many Points, built on a pile of needles. The upside-down city of Falling Falls. Oakland, California. Failures, all.

But we must not dwell on our previous, repeated failures! We must forge ahead and build anew! While the first twenty-two attempts at building Utopian cities resulted in misery, destruction, human-rights violations, billions of lost dollars, countless deaths, and the overpowering stench of monkey filth, I am certain our twenty-third will succeed!

We merely need to find the proper location. And with your courage, we will!

Featured | Lifestyle

Businessman Beginning to Regret Opening Hotel in Limbo

Limbo — The owner of the historic Limbo Hotel is beginning to regret opening the establishment in the dark, shadowy netherworld whose only inhabitants are giant spiders, glowing headworms, and creepy, homicidal children.

The hotel, which opened eons ago, has yet to attract its first overnight guest, despite featuring dozens of dark, unsettling rooms, haunted minibars, a spacious pool filled with spikes, and free HBO. The owner, Conrad Milton, says he was warned against opening the establishment in the bleak dimension between life and death, but was lured in by the inexpensive real estate and lack of competition.

“I figured even if there wasn’t much demand for a hotel in Limbo, by being the only hotel around I’d get 100% of the business,” Milton said. “It’s been centuries, though, and I still haven’t had any guests. I’m beginning to realize that 100% of zero is zero.”

While there are numerous potential guests in Limbo, most find themselves slaughtered, eaten, smashed into paste or drowned before they can reach the hotel.

“I saw someone approaching a few hundred years ago, and I thought he might check in, but just as he got close, a headworm burrowed into his skull and he turned around and started walking in the other direction. I never saw him again.”

“Damn headworms,” he added.

The location of Milton’s hotel is an issue for his employees as well.

“It’s definitely hard finding help,” Milton said. “I hired a maid at one point, but she went outside on a smoke break and was ground into pulp by some giant gears. And my lobby clerk quit after complaining of all the bear traps, water pits, and psychotic children along his route into work. I admit, it’s a rough commute.”

“There was a little boy with glowing eyes who passed through a few days ago,” Milton continued, “but all he did was trash my giant buzzing electric hotel sign. He didn’t check in or even inquire about our rates or amenities.”

“I doubt he had a major credit card anyway,” he added glumly.

Featured | Lifestyle

Seminar On Improving Doorway Navigation Skills Delayed By Doorway

Brooklyn, New York — Citizens attending a seminar on improving their doorway navigation skills became stuck in the doorway to the community center where the seminar was being held, delaying the proceedings for several hours.

The logjam occurred at 11:00 am this morning, when the door to the community center opened, then shut, then opened, then shut again, trapping several attendees as they attempted to all enter the room at the same time. There was a great deal of bumping, jostling, and walking in place, as well as a number of pleasant greetings, annoyed shouts, and several non sequiturs from citizens involved in the failed attempt to pass to the doorway.

“Pardon me!” one attendee, visiting from City 17, said for the fifth time as he walked in place, slowly turned in a half-circle, stopped, and added “Reload, Dr. Freeman!”

“Let’s get out of here,” whispered a former hostage from Montana, while running in place against a nearby wall.

“Let’s go,” he continued. “Let’s get out of here. Come on, let’s go.”

“Cheesy vaginas!” added one visitor from Liberty City.

“I said come in, don’t stand there,” said a Stalker from Rostok, working as a volunteer at the seminar and attempting to help the crowd make through the doorway. “I said come in, don’t stand there. I said come in, don’t stand there.”

“We’ve hit a bit of a snag, obviously, but I’m definitely pleased at the turnout,” said the seminar’s organizer, taking awkward stutter-steps as he attempted to squeeze through the doorway amid the crowd of attendees. “Walking though doorways quickly and safely continues to be a big issue for a number of people, and that really shows in how many people are in attendance. And in how many of us are stuck in this doorway.”

“In hindsight, we probably should have held the conference outside,” he admitted, before freezing in place and then falling through the solid concrete sidewalk up to his waist.

The seminar has hit similar snags in the past. Originally scheduled for April, its keynote speaker became stuck behind a barrel and two crates in the alley behind the community center, leading to the seminar’s cancellation. The conference planned for May began with a two-hour wait as one presenter repeatedly failed to climb a few steps up to the podium, before finally giving up and standing completely still with his arms outstretched.

Not everyone attending the seminar got stuck outside the auditorium, however.

“Doors have never been a particular problem for me,” said Hafid Hollowleg, a citizen of Cyrodiil, as he approached the door, faded from sight, then rematerialized on the other side.

“Oh, I don’t need the seminar,” he added. “I’m just here to meet people.”

Featured | Local

Assassin Experiences Ancestor’s Memories, Connection Problems

Venice, Italy — An assassin attempting to relive the experiences of his Italian ancestor, using a device known as an Animus, has reported repeated connection problems that he says are hampering his progress.

Desmond Miles, an assassin, has been using a device known as the Animus 2.0, which allows him to experience the genetic memories of his ancestor, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, another assassin who lived in the late 1400’s. However, the Animus 2.o requires a constant connection the servers of Abstergo Industries, and maintaining that connection has been routinely troublesome for Miles.

“It’s frustrating, definitely” said Miles, as his connection was dropped for the fifth time that day. “When I lose my connection, I lose all the progress I’ve made, and I have to wait for the connection to reestablish itself before I can continue.”

“I could understand if I were engaging in some kind of some multi-assassin mode, where between two and twenty-four assassins were all connecting to the same server at the same time, to relive memories together. Then, yeah, it would make sense to have to be constantly connected to the Abstergo server.”

“But this is a single-assassin experience. The memories are all contained in Animus 2.0, and I’m in the lab, connected to it legitimately… it seems stupid to have to be constantly connected to Abstergo’s server as well.”

Abstergo Industries has stated their strict policy of Digital Restriction of Memories, or DRM, is in place to prevent unregistered assassins from reliving their own ancestors’ genetic memories, though many genuine assassins, like Miles, complain that they are the ones having to deal with the connection problems.

“Meanwhile, some unregistered 13-year-old assassin has a pirated version of the Animus 2.0, that he got for free, and he doesn’t have to deal with this at all,” Miles said bitterly. “I’m an actual assassin and I’m being treated like a criminal.”

“I never had this problem with the original Animus,” he added. “Though those memories weren’t as much fun to relive. They were a little repetitive.”

Work Stuff

The Unabridged Co-Worker Translation Guide

Co-workers: they’re always saying stuff, am I right? Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.

Sometimes the things co-workers say are not the things they mean, and since I am the first person in history to ever notice this, here are some random entries from the Unabridged Co-Worker Translation Guide.

Entry #249: “I can’t figure out how to work my phone” = “I have not made any attempt to figure out how to work my phone”

Entry #106:  “I need help with this” = “Do this for me”

Entry #387: “Hey, quick question…” = “Hey, several dozen lengthy questions…”

Entry #426: “We need to give Cathy a call” = “You need to give Cathy a call”

Entry #325: “Are you going out for lunch today?” = “Get me lunch”

Entry #622: “I think we’re out of pens” = “I do not see a pen within a three foot radius of where I’m sitting”

Entry #88: “Did Todd get a new computer?” = “Why haven’t I also gotten a new computer?”

Entry #139: “Thanks for showing me how to do something in Microsoft Excel” = “You are now the company’s expert in Microsoft Excel”

Entry #320: “I’m expecting a fax” = “I’m expecting you to hover over the fax machine for the next seven hours”

Entry #212: “I don’t like the look of that applicant” = “That applicant is black”

Entry #381: “I copied you on an e-mail a while back…” = “By copying you on an e-mail, I actually expected you to completely handle it despite the e-mail being primarily addressed to someone other than you”

Entry #414: “How’s everything going with you? = “I am about to ignore whatever you say and then tell you how everything is going with me, which is terribly, and which will take an hour”

Entry #198: “The copier is broken” = “The copier is out of paper”

Entry #198A: “The copier is broken” = “The copier hasn’t telepathically divined what I want it to do”

Entry #198B: “The copier is broken” = “The copier is broken, and since you are standing there I’ll just assume you’re the copier repairman”

Entry #198C: “The copier is broken” = “I broke the copier”

Not My Desk

Seriously, What Are You Doing Up There?

I ask the above question with no real sarcasm or snark, but out of simple curiosity. And perhaps a bit of impotent rage.

Lately I’ve been lucky about waiting in lines: at the bank, at the store, at the bail bondsman, and all the usual places lines form. I keep arriving at places to get in line and there’s only one person in front of me, which seems to indicate that my wait will be the briefest it could be besides having no wait at all. There’s only one person between me and doing the thing I am waiting to do. And what could take one person very long to do anything?

But these waits always turn out to be an eternity, and I don’t know why. For example:

1) At the ATM.

There’s one person using the ATM when I arrive. Using an ATM shouldn’t take long, and I’m mentally subtracting the time they’ve already been there before I show up. But the person has either never seen an ATM before and is confused by all the buttons and options or is doing some complicated stock trading or maybe hacking into the CIA mainframe or something that requires at least 7,943 different button presses, with irritatingly long, confused pauses between each.

Not to mention all the fake-outs, when the thing beeps and their card pops out and I figure it’s my turn. But the person pops the same card right back in and goes back to pushing buttons like they’re on the deck of the Starship Enterprise during a war with the Klingons.

And then when they really are done and the card pops out and they get their receipt (which seems like it should be 147 feet long from all the dozens of transactions they had to complete in order to withdraw their $40) they stand there scrutinizing it like it’s a new Dead Sea scroll without actually moving away from the machine so I can use it.

Even when I make a deposit and a withdrawal from the ATM it takes me maybe two minutes. I don’t know what these people are doing up there.

2) The drive-thru

Okay, so maybe people have more complicated meal selections than I do. But once you’re done at the speaker and you drive up to pay and then drive further up to get your food, you should be about done with the complicated, time-consuming stuff.

But there I sit peering in growing confusion through my windshield as the employee passes you a bag of food and you accept it and say something. And then they say something. And then you say something. And then they pass you a drink and a straw. And then you say something and they say something and you pass the drink back and they pass you another bag and you pass the first bag back and they say something and you say something and then they lean out the window and rest on their forearms because they’re about to say something that will last a good four minutes and you say something and they pass you a bag and you pass them some more money and then the drink goes back in and two more bags come out and you say something and they pass you some money and you pass them a receipt and you both look at it and then more things are said and then I turn off my engine and sigh loudly as if that will clearly send the message that I am annoyed.

I do not know what you are doing up there, seriously.

3) The break-room sink

Do you know this guy? At work? The guy who washes out his coffee cup for like ten solid minutes? And you need to get to the sink to dump out your coffee so you can get new coffee in your cup and go back to staring at the internet until it’s time to go home?

Washing a small cup should not take the better part of an hour, but the guy I’m waiting behind appears to be trying to scrub it down until it no longer physically exists. And the rinsing process he’s doing uses more water than an industrial washing machine. I don’t know where he thinks his coffee cup has been since he used it last but it’s apparently filthy. Maybe it’s been sitting in a toilet in a malaria testing lab on the planet Germulon in the Bronchitis Nebula. It’s not even a cup anymore if you scrub all the ceramic out of it, guy.

4) The airplane bathroom

There must be a shower hidden somewhere in those tiny bathrooms, because seriously, people go in and they don’t come out for ages. And you have to stand in the aisle waiting, dodging drink carts, attempting to stand so your butt is not in someone’s face, and trying not to be judgmental about all the Dan Brown books the other passengers are reading. This comes after an hour of sitting in your seat, craning your neck around making sure there’s no line, and then having to wake up the guy sleeping next to you so you can get into the aisle. He will of course be fast asleep upon your return.

5) The toll booth.

Okay, this time I know what you’re doing up there. You’re asking for directions. To the Bronchitis Nebula. That’s the only way it could take this long.

Featured | World

Millionaire Archaeologist Lara Croft Dead In Apparent Suicide

Thailand, Southeast Asia — Millionaire archeologist and adventurer Lara Croft has died in an apparent suicide by drowning, lawyers for her estate revealed today.

Croft’s tragic death comes just as she was embarking on an expedition to locate Thor’s hammer and gain entrance to the Norse underworld. An eyewitness says it appears she took her own life, deliberately submerging herself beneath the waves off the Thailand coast after repeatedly trying, and failing, to scale a sheer cliff wall.

“I watched her trying to climb this ridiculously steep cliff, clinging from tiny handholds and leaping across chasms,” one bystander said. “She kept falling, though, all the way back down into the water where she started, and kept having to try again.”

After numerous failed attempts, the eyewitness says Croft, frustrated, appeared to give up.

“After her last fall, she just swam down and floated beneath the surface of the water. She did not appear to be in physical distress, and her yacht was anchored not far away. She just deliberately floated down there until she ran out of air.”

“I’m completely shocked by this, but in a way, I can totally see why she did it,” the eyewitness continued. “I was getting frustrated and annoyed just watching her trying to scale those cliffs. I can only imagine how irritating it was for her.”

Though the waters Croft perished in are known for large, dangerous sharks, it does not appear they contributed to her death.

“There were a few sharks present when she initially dove off her yacht, but she quickly swam after them and shot them to death,” the eyewitness said.

“They’re endangered, you know,” he added. “The sharks. Like a lot of the animals she pumps bullets into. I’m just saying.”

“I’ve been there, too, in that frame of mind,” said Link, an adventurer in Hyrule, upon hearing of Croft’s suicide. “I’ve been so exasperated that I’ve wanted to drown myself. That water temple? Talk about frustrating. So many times I just wanted to take off my Zora Tunic and put on my iron boots and let the water fill my lungs and be done with it.”

“When you get overwhelmed, and you think about drowning yourself, you just have to find a healthy outlet for your anger,” he continued. “I usually take out my frustrations by swinging my sword at my annoying fairy guide. That does the trick.”

“I just wish Lara had called me,” Link said. “Maybe I could have talked her out of it.”

Local

Unlike Horses, New "Motorized Wagon" Essentially Theft-Proof

Blackwater, West Elizabeth — As a newfangled mechanical contraption known as a “motorized wagon” arrived in Blackwater today, local officials heralded a new age wherein the wanton theft of personal conveyances would finally be at an end.

Unlike horses, which can simply be climbed upon and spurred away by dastardly thieves, the motorized wagon is a complex mechanical wonder, featuring several pedals and levers, a turning-wheel, and complicated ignition device for its internal combustion engine, meaning a potential thief would have long minutes, or even hours of work in order to make off with the motorized contraption.

“It’s not as if some ruffian or ne’er-do-well could simply elbow through a wind-screen, clamber inside the motor wagon, connect a few lengths of wire, and accelerate off with a conveyance that he did not possess the deed to,” says Federal Bureau agent and horseless-carriage enthusiast Archer Fordham.

“Even if some miscreant did manage to perform the complicated steps in order to ignite the auto-engine,” Fordham continues, “and took the time to affix his driving goggles, steering gloves, and travel-smock, he would have to steer the motorized wagon slowly and carefully to prevent damaging it. These are incredibly rare and expensive machines, and not even a callous thief would risk colliding with telegraph poles, postal boxes, or water troughs as he made his get-away.”

Nearly theft-proof, these gasoline-powered mechanical wagons could be safely left outside saloons and brothels while the owner conducted his business inside.

“Even if the owner had to climb the steps of some grand, three-story, sky-scraping courthouse or spend time shopping for tonics and cure-alls in his city’s general store, his personal conveyance would be perfectly safe from theft upon his return,” Fordham says.

“And in the unlikely event an illicit wagon operator might speed away with the power of more than one horse, the thief would find himself confined to cobblestone roads and well-worn dirt paths, making him quite easy to track down, arrest, and hang.”

There are other benefits to replacing horses with motorized carriages. The newfangled auto-wagons do not litter the street with messy excrement as horses do, instead expelling only beautiful dark clouds of harmless diesel fumes.

“I picture a futuristic world where horses have been entirely replaced with these wonderful, gleaming motor-wagons,” Fordham says. “I see a time when you might witness four, perhaps even five motorized carriages in each city. And theft of such personal transportation contraptions would be non-existent.”

“Mark my words,” he added. “Motorized wagons are the best invention since torn bread.”

World

World of Goo Corporation Criticized For Massive Goo Spill

World of Goo Corporation Headquarters — The World of Goo Corporation is being heavily criticized for what some are calling lackluster efforts to contain a massive Goo spill that is threatening the environment, and possibly even the internet.

Efforts to contain the Goo have had limited success, and many are questioning the methods being used by the WGC to collect the wayward Goo balls.

“The Corporation is doing little, if anything, to capture and contain the spilled Goo,” one expert said. “Yes, it’s true, they have set up intake pipes in certain locations, and it is also true that the Goo balls themselves seem quite intent on reaching those pipes and being sucked into Goo storage containers.”

“What we’re seeing, however, is that the Corporation is placing their intake pipes at great distances from the Goo spills, making it a challenge for the Goo to be collected. In some instances, it initially seems impossible for the Goo to reach the pipes.”

“There was this one huge pit that I never thought the Goo would never be able to cross,” he added. “But they eventually figured it out. That Goo is pretty clever.”

Even when some Goo does manage to reach the pipes, however, there are still massive, sticky Goo bridges, towers, ladders, and other unstable, wobbly structures that are left behind. The environmental impact of the remaining, uncollected Goo is still unknown, and some wildlife sanctuaries, such as Fisty’s Bog, have been severely polluted. The large, gray toad the bog is named after appeared quite ill, possibly due to the massive bridge of Goo that now extends from its mouth.

The Goo spill, originally thought to be quite small, seems to be spreading faster and farther than initially estimated. Some witnesses have reported seeing Goo floating through the air attached to balloons, headed for distant lands, and recent reports indicate that the Goo may have even digitized and spilled into the internet, where it threatens to corrupt the entire Information Superhighway.

Environmental experts say there is no real way to completely prevent the spread of Goo at this point, short of traveling back in time.

“Unfortunately, at this late date, with the spread of Goo so profound, you’d have to pop a time bug the size of Delaware to travel that far back in time,” said one scientist. “And they just don’t grow that big.”

“It suppose could be worse,” another expert offered. “I mean, the Goo balls are really quite adorable.”

“If our planet is going to be smothered in a black, sticky substance, at least it’s darn cute.”