I’m in the middle of an office move and it’s no fun. I think I’ll have a little plaque made for the front my urn that says: “She solved 2,218,437 meaningless problems for other people and now she’s dead.” In order to remain sane, I’ve been loading up on the entertainment. Here are the things that have kept me from throwing a chair through the window or drinking heavily.

Anthony Jeselnik,  Shakespeare

I like my stand up comedy to be smart, dry, absurd and borderline cruel. I’ve seen him a few times on various specials, and his bit about the marshmallow dream had me in tears. If you are a sensitive sort, you’ll most likely hate this guy. However, if your idea of comedy involves allowing yourself to laugh at nearly everything that normally makes humans uncomfortable, then you’ll be just fine.

Beastie Boys,  Fight for your right

I have no idea what I watched Wednesday night, but seeing Elijah Wood smiling his head off in the back of a limo while he had a knife stuck in him was strangely great. Also, it was a pop culture bonanza of celebrities that I actually like. Imagine that!

Tina Fey, Bossypants

Tina Fey has done a lot for brunettes with glasses. So much so that when dudes on the street who aren’t commenting on my butt (apparently last week it was both “bladdaow” and “shazaow” – hint: my butt is big), they tell me I look like Tina Fey. Of course, I don’t look like her in any way, but at least I’m comforted that some fellows are looking at my face. The chapter about her dad was the highlight for me. The only problem that I had with this book is that it wasn’t nearly long enough. Also, she didn’t come over to my house and read it to me while she made us both hot cocoa.

Black Dynamite

This is comedy spoof of movies like Dolemite. It’s intentionally bad, but they do it in all the right ways. For instance, a bad guy gets out of a car to start shooting, but forgets to put on the parking brake and needs to get back in to stop it from drifting. A guy reads a stage direction out loud. Helicopters appear out of nowhere. Suddenly, everyone is in a tuxedo. Three words: Chili and Donuts. It’s freaking comedy gold, I tell you.

Superego

This is a free podcast that is available the first of every month. When I’m feeling low, I gravitate to two bits that never fail to cheer me up. The first is called “So You Want to Go to Space” and the second is “The JC Penney End of Days Sale”. If you need more coaxing, the space sketch mentions Russian farts. To the iTunes store! Away!

HGTV’s Househunters International

I watch this show simply because I hate it so much. My hatred runs deep for these jerkwads that are touring Belize or the South of France to find a second home. If you’ve never seen it, people that are a jillion times richer than you look at three houses and then buy one. Yep, it’s that thrilling! I hate when people mention how a room would or wouldn’t be good for entertaining. I hate it when they step into a room that’s bigger than my entire house and say that room is too small. So, I basically spend a small portion of my night (it’s on every night, it seems) calling people names and feeling bitter and jealous. However, it keeps me from spewing this poison I’ve got inside of me at co-workers, friends or my spouse and that’s priceless.

Randall’s Animals, Honey Badger

In the great phone tree of great internet videos, I’m somewhere down the line behind your Great Aunt Myrtle and just slightly in front of most Amish. I would say all Amish, but they have Rumspringa to catch up on this sort of thing. I found out about the Honey Badger video when I asked Chris what he wanted for dinner and he said “Honey Badger don’t give a shit” in such a way that I knew a You Tube search was in my immediate future. I’ve only watched it about 37 times since and it gets me every time. Since I’m so late in the game, I’m sure I can find a Honey Badger t-shirt on clearance. The latecomers just pick up the scraps.

As I’m typing this week’s menu, I’m sitting in a cafe across from two young people clearly on a first date. Man, I’m so glad I’m not single anymore. The mid-day coffee date is the worst date ever. Even if things totally work out, both people have horrible coffee breath and it’s the middle of the afternoon (on a Sunday, in this case). Luckily for these two, it is clearly not working out, though they’re both trying to pretend it is. I feel like I should pull a gun and rob the cafe, if only to give them an excuse to cut the date short.

This cafe also appears to be a prime spot for divorced couples to swap out their shared children. So, this whole place is incredibly depressing.

Anyway, here’s what’s coming to screens this week!

Movies

Arthur:  Russel Brand is so astoundingly ugly it’s sort of fascinating, but not enough to get me to a theater for this remake of the 1981 Dudley Moore/Liza Minelli romantic comedy. I hope they at least blast some Christopher Cross. (April 8)

Hanna: A little girl is raised in Finland to be a super-assassin by her ex-CIA dad. Then she kicks everyone’s ass, Bourne-style. Think I’ll wait for the rental. (April 8)

Your Highness: I guess this is Robin Hood for stoners or something? Count me among the seemingly few who don’t think Danny McBride is all that hilarious. Yes, he says inappropriate things in a loud voice, but so does this guy I work with and I wouldn’t pay ten bucks to watch him for ninety straight minutes. Expect lots of pot jokes and sack-taps. (April 8)

DVD/Blu-ray

Tron Legacy: I missed this in theaters because I never really was that into Tron but I will definitely rent it because I was sort of into Tron. (April 5)

I Love You Phillip Morris: This will be added to the bottom of my Netflix DVD queue and will remain there for ages as I constantly add new items in front of it. Then, some day, perhaps years from now, it will actually be mailed to me and it will sit on my counter for a few weeks until I send it back unwatched. Some films are just like that. (April 5)

Television

Lights Out: Season and series finale (it’s been cancelled). Like Terriers, this wasn’t a fantastic show but probably deserved a second season, based on quality if not viewership. The problem I was having with it was that the show was only fun if Leary was fighting, but he would only fight if he needed money, so to keep him fighting he’d always need to be broke, which resulted in the show having to constantly think up reasons for him to keep losing the money he’d make from fighting. Anyway, in the final episode he climbs into the ring with Death Row Reynolds, the fight we’ve been waiting for the entire season. With no season two, it doesn’t really matter if he wins or loses, but I’ll still check it out. (Tuesday, 10pm, FX)

Justified: The thing I’m finding most interesting about Justified this season is that Raylan isn’t an anti-hero: he’s not really fighting personal demons or being haunted by anything in his past. Pretty rare for good TV, and especially for FX, to just let their hero be a hero. In this week’s episode, the big dumb violent guy gets violent again. (Wednesday, 10pm, FX)

Community, Parks & Rec, 30-Rock: All reruns this week (boooo). Perfect Couples is new, though, because it got cancelled due to it sucking, and they need to run all the remaining episodes to make room for — choke — Paul Reiser’s new show. (Thursday, NBC)

The Killing: Sunday’s two-hour premiere of the season-long murder mystery was a little heavy-handed but otherwise excellent, and will be re-aired a number of times this week if you missed it (it’s also streaming commercial free on AMC’s site). AMC’s choices of what makes an American Movie Classic are dubious at best (The Chronicles of Riddick?) but they really know how to make good TV. (Sunday, 10pm, AMC)

Video Games

Dino D-Day: Imagine it’s World War II, and the Nazis have dinosaurs and you get to fight them. Do I even need to continue? Nazis dinosaurs = sale. (April 8, PC, Steam)

Shadow Harvest: Phantom Ops: I have no idea what this game is, but it seems to have been titled by some sort of random cool word generator. Other possibilities: Phoenix Operation: Dark Assassins, Legion Delta: Shadow Slayer, and Rising Phantom: Operation Shadow. See, it’s easy. (April 5, PC)

e-Books

Bossypants by Tina Fey: I’ll probably wait for the price to drop in the Kindle Store before picking this up, but her writing in The New Yorker has been great, so it’s definitely a sale.

Netflix Instant Pick of the Week

Cheers: I don’t know how long Cheers has been on Netflix Instant, but I swear I searched for it recently and it wasn’t there. It is now, though, all 270 episodes. I watched a few this weekend and it’s still as funny as I remember, though the pacing is glacially slow compared to current sitcoms.