This review of the Cities XL demo was published on Shacknews on September 14, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of the Batman: Arkham Asylum demo was published on Shacknews on August 10, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of the Demigod demo was published on Shacknews on August 3, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of The Hunter demo was published on Shacknews on July 8, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of the America’s Army 3 demo was published on Shacknews on June 30, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of the Mob Ties Tokyo demo was published on Shacknews on April 12, 2009. Click here to read it.

Before I downloaded and played the demo for The Last Remnant, I had no idea what it was. I didn’t know what kind of game it was, what genre it fit into, what the story was about, or how to play it.

After playing the demo, all of the above is still pretty much true.

Most demos are in some way tutorials: lots of on-screen instructions, pop-up hints, maybe a little movie to explain who you are and what is happening in the game world. The Last Remnant just dumps you into a throne room without a single word of explanation. At least the other characters appear to be as speechless as I am.

Okay… I’m in a room. My name appears to be “City Map.” I guess I’ll take it from here.

“City Map” seems an odd choice for a hero’s name, but as far as I know, it makes perfect sense in this game’s universe, about which I’ve been told nothing. City Map manages to select one of the NPCs, and finally I get some on-screen instructions: it tells me to press “A” to talk. Clicking the “A” key, however, makes City Map run to his left. Eventually, I realize the demo assumes I have a gamepad controller, and after several WTFs sent via IM to my friend Greg, who is also playing the demo, he tells me how to get the instructions listed in Keyboardese.

No, I don’t. I really don’t.

The guy on the throne informs me my name is not “City Map” but “Rush”, which is a little bit of a letdown, frankly. I think I’m gonna call him City Map anyway. I’m told I have to visit some place I’ve never heard of via some other place I don’t know about. Eventually, as I do in real life when I’m sad and confused, I wander into a pub.

I talk to a monster in the pub, and he tells me to meet him in some caves once I’ve finished the rest of my business. I don’t know if I have any business, or what what kind of business it would be if I did, but it’s moot because I’m instantly teleported to the caves anyway. I see the monster thing there, who says something about how we’re going to work together and then vanishes, leaving me completely alone. Okie-dokie!

I run through a tunnel until I find a couple of oversized insects, also known as The First Monsters You Always Get To Fight In Video Games. Good! A basic fight to sort of slowly ease me into how the combat works and how to fight and what sort of abilities I OH JESUS WHAT THE GOOD GODDAMN IS ALL THIS

what the shit

This all just slams up on my screen with no warning and no explanation. One minute there’s me and two bugs, the next there are like forty people I’ve never seen or met and a bunch of other bugs and a metric buttload of words and icons and status bars on the screen. Where the hell did everyone come from? What is happening? Who is everyone? And why? CITY MAP IS CONFUSED

What? Are you kidding? No! Good God no!

What? Huh? What does that mean? Is that a good thing? What’s happening?

Okay! Okay! I know those words. Do I… should I… do I have to do anything? Or is it… should I uh… are you even talking to me, game demo?

Um, yay? We — meaning some things and City Map — did, um, it. Whatever it was. And 5 chains! That… certainly is a number… of chains. Uh. Um.

Okay, so, the battle is over, and the several people or things that appeared suddenly to help me fight have disappeared again. I really am just completely baffled.

Luckily, things start making sense soon after the battle, when I touch a stone and a magical goblin pops out of my butt, gives me a blowjob, hands me some weed, and vanishes up my nose. If you think I’m kidding, or if you can offer some other interpretation of these events, please watch this YouTube video I uploaded and let me know.

Just so you know how I felt during all this, please enjoy this random series of images from the demo. I thought about animating them into some sort of Clockwork Orange-esque video, but I don’t want to be responsible for rampaging droogs.

i think that goblin in my ass gave me something

what are these things

more things I dunno

i’m too slow try ur too slow

that’s the biggest one of those i’ve ever seen

Thankfully, I died at some point, which was pretty easy to understand, for a change. I know games these days are often criticized for too much hand-holding, but I think some amount, especially in a game like this, is necessary. After all, every game is someone’s first game, and every demo is someone’s first demo, and if The Last Remnant demo is someone’s first demo, then I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also their last. Demo.

I don’t know how to rate this demo — I don’t even know what this demo is or what it means or who I am or when I ever was whatever I were.

Eight speechless speech bubbles out of eight speechless speechbubbles.

The prisoner is in front of me. He has long hair and is wearing a blue jumpsuit.

In twelve seconds time, the prisoner falls to the floor at my feet. He’s already lying there, twelve seconds into the future.

Ten seconds now.

I am punching the prioner in the face repeatedly. I saw him in his cellblock thirty seconds ago. He’s still there, thirty seconds into the past, in his darkened cell. I’m still there looking at him.

I’m punching him in the face. His teeth, more teeth than anyone should ever have in their mouth, fly everywhere. Along with a lot of blood. Seven seconds now.

I am tired of punching the prisoner. He falls to the floor at my feet.

I am going to punch other prisoners in the face. All we ever see of prisoners is their teeth flying out of their mouths.

Two hours into my future I’m surfing for porn, thinking about boobs. Twelve seconds into my past, I punch the prisoner in the face and he falls.

It is 7:39pm. I’m sitting at my desk, downloading Watchmen: The End is Nigh demo from Steam. I am thirty-six years old.

It is 7:45pm. I’m sitting at my desk, playing Watchmen: The End is Nigh demo. I am thirty-six years old.

The prisoner lies at my feet, is punched by my fists, is standing in front of me. I am watching his teeth, admiring their complex trajectories through the air.

I am trying to give a name for the force that set them in motion. Oh yeah. It was my fist, punching him. In the face.

I am playing as Rorschach. His mask looks really cool, the way it changes all the time. The lighting in the demo also looks cool. Everything looks cool. They did a nice job on making things look cool. It almost helps me not think about the fairly cruddy controls and horrible camera. You can also play as Nite Owl, though I choose not to.

Six seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Eighteen seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Twenty-two seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Forty seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Forty-six seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Fifty-one seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Sixty-eight seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Seventy seconds from now, I am killing a man in the snow. No, wait, my bad. I’m punching another prisoner in the face.

Seventy-nine seconds from now, I find a little floating icon that gives me the ability to punch prisoners in the face in a slightly different way.

We’re all puppets. I’m just a puppet who can punch a lot of prisoners in the face.

I find another floating icon that lets me do whatever this is. I have no idea what it is, exactly. A squall of tachyon particles, or perhaps whiskey shots, is making it difficult to see further into the future to determine exactly what the hell this is. Some sort of over-the-shoulder reverse butt-lock, perhaps.

Really, it’s just humiliating for both of us.

This demo can no longer be my concern. I am leaving it for one less repetitive. All the punching of prisoners in the face never seems to end.

But nothing ends. Nothing ever ends.

Looks neat, not much else besides punching in the face. A lot of punching in the face.

Welcome to a Very Special episode of The Demo Man.  Why is it Very Special?  Because I actually played a demo I kind of like, as opposed to the demos I usually play which are pure crap.  Donâ€t get me wrong, thereâ€s a lot of crap in this demo.  But what isn’t crap is actually really, really good, so Iâ€m afraid Iâ€ll have to say some nice things about it. Bear with me.

Mount & Blade is an open-world single-player medieval RPG created by some guy and his wife.  The demo lets you play the game for free until youâ€ve gained seven levels. You may not last that long once you get a look at it.  Itâ€s ugly as hell.  The graphics and models look as if they were made in 1997, and were clunky and outdated even then.  In reality, the game came out a couple months ago.

There are several tutorials that teach you the basics of movement and combat, which includes mounted combat.  The tutorials put you in the role of a dead-eyed, vapid-looking warrior.

I present to you Sir Pauly of Shore.  Just look at that guy.  This game just came out.  In September.  Of this year.  Shit you, I do not.  On the other hand, itâ€s nice to finally have a game cranked up to maximum visual settings.  Itâ€s just a shame it doesnâ€t help.

Mount & Blade is played in third-person perspective, with an interesting (letâ€s call it “dumb”) camera placement that shows you only the head and upper body of your ass-ugly character.  Melee combat is simple, but also, dare I say it, kinda good.  To parry an enemyâ€s attack with your weapon, you hold down the right mouse button, similar to Oblivion, but with a tiny twist that makes all the difference:  you have to wait until your enemy has begun his attack, otherwise you might not be parrying in the correct direction.  It doesnâ€t sound like much, but it makes the combat about timing instead of about simply waiting.

Mounted combat is trickier, but a lot of fun when it works properly.  The faster you ride, the more damage your attack does but the harder it is to land your blows correctly.  Even on stationary targets, it can take a while to get right, especially with bow and arrow.

Once I finished the tutorial,  I got to create my own character.  There are a number of sliders that allow you to adjust your characterâ€s face to various degrees of ugliness.  What kind of character will you create?  Butt Ugly?  Dog Ugly?  Fugly?  I couldnâ€t decide, so I used the randomizer, which came up with Ass Ugly.

Meet Sir Face of Ass.  Time to choose his starting stats.  Since Iâ€m enjoying the combat, I put his points into Strength and Agility, give him some proficiency in single and double handed weapons, and a couple points in skills like Ironflesh and Powerstrike, which sound pretty badass. I have one skill point left, so I put that in Prisoner Management.  I have no idea what that entails, but if Sir Face canâ€t cut it as a bruiser, at least heâ€ll have some corporate skills to fall back on.

I begin my adventure, finding myself in the beautifully rendered landscape in the stunningly gorgeous land of oh balls it looks like shit.

I ride my little horsey icon around until I encounter a group of four looters.  The leader threatens me, but Sir Face of Ass does not scare easily. Itâ€s time for some real combat.  The music swells and surges, the map loads, and I prepare for battle.

Um.  Thereâ€s no one around.  The looters, after threatening me, have apparently retreated to a safe distance of 34 miles.  I ride around for a few minutes, looking for them.  The music continues to swell hopefully.  I reach the end of the map and turn back.  Still nothing.  Even the soundtrack has given up: Iâ€m now galloping around in silence.  Then, suddenly eventually the looters appear!

As opposed to highwaymen in Oblivion, who are often decked out in fancy armor and bear expensive weapons, these looters do not appear to have much of a bankroll.  Only one has armor, the rest donâ€t even have shirts or boots.  They carry stubby swords and crude axes; when I ride out of range they stoop to pick up stones, which they fling at me (which is pretty awesome).  I spend about five minutes weaving in and out of them, landing about one of every five blows of my axe.  I gotta say, itâ€s immensely satisfying when I do manage to hit one of them at full gallop.

Sir Face does the land of Ass proud, however, and slays all four looters, then, perhaps ironically, loots their corpses.

I ride to the nearby town of Kedelke, where Iâ€m given a few options.  I can try to recruit people to join my party, visit the village center, buy supplies from the peasants, or take hostile action.  I think you know which I chose.  I just took on four looters, what fear could a few shabby peasants hold for Sir Face?  I ride in at full gallop, brandishing my axe.

Whoops.  There were a lot more peasants than I was expecting.  They quickly knock me from my horse and club me unconscious. Thatâ€s me face-down on the ground, thatâ€s them celebrating.  No need to rub it in, jerks.

I visit another town and decide to be nicer.  The Elder of the town asks me to train some peasants in the ways of combat, which requires me to click the words “Train Peasants” a bunch of times, and occasionally spar with one of them.  After a few days, Iâ€ve molded them into a fighting force, as well as recruited some tribesmen to my party, and we have a big brawl against some bandits.

This is where the game gets really fun, with thrilling and awful music blaring, dozens of NPCs hacking and slashing at each other, arrows zipping by your head as you weave in and out of them on horseback, slamming your axe into anyone foolish enough to get in your way.  We overcome the bandits and I greedily take everything the villagers offer in payment.  I recruit a few more fighters into my party, then head back to the village that kicked my ass earlier.

This time, they give into my demands without a fight.  Yeah, I thought so.  I take all their stuff and leave, returning moments later to steal some cattle. Thatâ€s what happens, peasants, when you dare to knock a marauder unconscious while heâ€s trying to loot your village.  Your village gets looted.  Let this be a lesson.

The adventures of Sir Face of Ass and his Merry Mercenaries continue.  We triumph against a force of fourteen warriors whose crime it was to desert the army of whatever land this is.  We triumph against a force of nine farmers on their way to market whose crime it was to be easy to triumph against.  We visit a castle prison to see if there are any prisoners to manage.  There are none.

Anyway.  Iâ€m kind of enjoying this demo.  I guess there are a bunch of actual quests you can do, too, though I prefer to just get into fights, as thatâ€s the best part.  I actually recommend this demo: the combat is a lot of fun, and even if you donâ€t want to build your own ugly character and round up some mercs, there are some ready-to-play combat scenarios, huge battles you can just leap into and immediately start to play, including some castle sieges.  If you can stand the horrid graphics, ugly models, terrible character animation, annoying constant music, bland dialogue, and rotten inventory management, thereâ€s definitely some free fun to be had here.

Infernal is an in-your-face demo of a game that’s all about kicking ass! Even the menu screen will kick you in the ass with your own face! In fact, the hero of the demo, the guy you play, is named Jake Asskicker. I know, it sounds like I’m making that up, but I’m not — that’s his actual name. Jake. Asskicker. I am not lying.

Yes, he does listen to a lot of Breaking Benjamin.

Okay, I’m lying. But you know the type, right? His hair is spiky, he’s got stubble, a goatee, a tattoo, he probably banged Lindsey Lohan just about the time when she started getting kind of repulsive, and he’s got that sort of wry growl when he responds to the overwhelming odds against him. “Looks like my weekend plans are ruined,” he might say detachedly as a fifty-foot mechodemon bursts through his dining room floor. Or, when forty armed terrorists sound the alarm and start firing their machine guns at him, he might mutter, “Looks like they weren’t expecting company.” That sort of thing.

Oh, holy crap. No lie, I just looked up his actual name and this time I’m not even lying: Dark Eaville. Jesus. Tell me Jake Asskicker isn’t a more subtle name than Dark Eaville. Someone got paid to come up with that name and I’m sitting here giving away gems like Jake Asskicker for free.

Anyway, as Jake Asskicker, you’re some kind of supernatural commando that shadowy government agencies are always hiring to infiltrate lairs filled with gun-toting hooligans, in this case, some sort of cybernetic monks. As is required in such situations, some dude directs you through your mission with instructions via earpiece. Your first enemy is a technomonk who is sipping coffee and talking on a cellphone.

Glad they called in a specialist to deal with the guy covering the front desk.

After you murder the monk, you’re instructed by your boss to suck out the monk’s soul. This will charge up your magic powers as well as give you ammo somehow. Jake Asskicker takes this all in stride. I’m not sure a) why he doesn’t already know that he can suck people’s souls out, or b) why, if he didn’t know he could suck people’s souls out, they waited until he was already on the mission to tell him. The ability to eat souls is not something you want to explain over a bluetooth. You really want to sit down in person with someone to deliver that kind of news. Especially if you may be called upon to suck out their souls through their buttholes. Really, right out of their butts.

That’s Jake Asskicker for you — he’ll kick your ass and then suck your soul out of it. Then he just might kick your soul’s ass! Your soul is having a terrible day!

Soul-sucking isn’t all Jake does in this demo — he can also set his own arm on fire and shoot people with it, and he possesses another unusual skill that is revealed upon entering a hallway with a laser beam security system. How will Jake get past the lasers? Lasers have no ass to kick! Confounded lasers!

As it turns out, Jake has the power to turn invisible — but only when he is doing a forward somersault. “Remember,” the guy on his headset says, “when rolling, you’re invisible.”

What the hell kind of power is that? How do rolling and invisibility even go together? I think everyone fantasizes about having the power of invisibility at some point, but would you even want it if it required you to roll around on the ground at all times? It sort of ruins the fun of spying on someone or sneaking around if you’re constantly having to hurl yourself forward, getting dirt in your hair and bruising your shoulder and being all red-faced and out of breath. That’s like being granted the power of flight but you can only achieve it by constantly doing jumping jacks.

At least the demo provides us with some quality cutscenes. Just check out the animation, voice-work, and plot advancement in this YouTube clip I uploaded. And the writing! My, that’s some convincing dialogue. If I were a cybermonk faced with intruder alert, I wouldn’t take chances either. I wouldn’t even risk taking chances. And I certainly wouldn’t gamble with rolling the dice on the risk of taking chances.

So, if you’ve been looking for a demo that’ll let you suck the soul out of a dead monk’s ass, you might want to give this one a try. Otherwise, I’d skip it. I’m sure there are some books on ass-kicking in your local library that you’ll find much more rewarding.

Not really as asskicking as you might expect.

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