Yes, it’s the 2006 Olympic Games, brought to you live from Italy!

Cs_italy, that is. This charming Counter-Strike map will host today’s event, the marathon, or as they say in Italy, marathan-o. That’s right, this isn’t a deathmatch, it’s a race! This twenty-six mile footrace will take our competitors through the narrow streets of cs_italy roughly 265 times, so I hope you’re ready to see hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of running!

Let’s meet our competitors, who hail from many nations and dimensions!

Representing the Xen Borderworld, we’ve got the wise, the wondrous, the incredibly ugly Vortigant! The Vort is one of the few Xen creatures that qualified for the marathon, being one of Xen’s only bipeds. Vortigaunts are a bit slow and methodical, but you know what they say: Slow and methodical wins the race! Provided it doesn’t stop to dispense confusing bits of wisdom, it should have a good chance of bringing home the gold.

Not that this matters, since this is a race and not a fight, but Vortigaunts have a number of attacks available to them. They can summon some sort of weird green lightning from the earth and blast opponents at range. Up close, they can swipe at their opponents with their claws; they’ve even been known to kick any enemies lurking around their ankles.

All the way from the Combine planet of… the Combine dimension of… well, we’re not sure where the Combine are from, really. Anyway, it’s the Combine Elite Soldier! He’s armed with an AR2 pulse rifle, perhaps a poor choice, considering all the running he’s about to do. I can’t imagine the heavy, bulky body armor doing much to help, either. I’d say he’s in for some serious chafing.

Barney Calhoun is representing the planet Earth. He’s a solid runner, though he expends a little too much energy making wisecracks. He’s armed with a shotgun, for reasons unknown, because as I’ve said, this is a marathon and in no way some sort of combat exercise.

The Poison Headcrab! An odd choice, perhaps, as a fast headcrab might be better suited to a marathon, but no matter! The Poison Headcrab is representing the dual nations of Xen and uh… Dead People, I guess.

Here’s some trivia: the Poison Zombie carries four poison headcrabs on its body, three of which may detach and leap at its enemies! And not only is this zombie extremely durable, it has a deadly claw swipe that can slash opponents to the ground. Good thing this is just a race and not a fight or it could get totally gruesome!

And finally, who could be better suited to a long road-trip than the irascible rollermine? This metal Combine contraption starts off slow but can really pick up speed. It can also leap into the air, extending electrified prongs to shock its opponents to death, which it won’t be doing because this is, of course, a race and not some sort of horrible battle to the death. I can’t stress that enough.

Is everyone ready? On your mark! Get set! TO THE… RACE!

Oh my God! They’re not racing! They’re fighting! To the Death! I cannot believe this shocking turn of events!

The Poison Zombie has lurched sideways and takes a swipe at the Combine Elite, who opens up, point blank with his pulse rifle! Meanwhile, the Vortigaunt is summoning up some of that deadly green lightning I coincidentally mentioned earlier.

Ka-Pow! The Combine Elite is blasted out of frame and up the street! Our first casualty, though he is technically in the lead at this point, since this is a race. The zombie lurches over to deal with the human, Barney.

Americans, huh? No sense of sportsmanship. Here, just as the race kicks off, Barney blasts the Poison Zombie right in the legs. For shame. And with the world watching! Bob Costas would be aghast.

Wounded, but still game, the Poison Zombie detaches a headcrab, introducing four more legs into the race that doesn’t appear to be much of a race at all at this point.

It appears to be a divide and conquer strategy, as the headcrab scuttles over to the Vort and postures in a threatening fashion. This scuttling cannot be construed as taking a lead as it hasn’t advanced down the road, simply across it, sideways. The Vort’s battery is recharged, however, and ready to deal with this brash upstart.

Ka-blastie! The venemous little head-hugger goes hurtling harmlessly away, overtaking the dead Combine! The zombie team is now in the lead!

Well, finally, some actual running! Barney, reloading his shottie, flees the zombie who has detached another headcrab and thus moves into third behind the dead Combine and dead headcrab. You won’t see this shit on NBC!

Several things happen at once! Barney is shocked in the leg by the rollermine (out of frame) and the Vort blasts the Poison Zombie to death, or whatever you call it when zombies die. Re-Death? Death 2? Death: Episode One? Who knows? Still a couple loose headcrabs running around, though, so the Team Zombie is still in what I am stubbornly continuing to call a race.

Speaking of teams, Vorty and Barney are taking on one of the headcrabs together, though it looks as if Barney may have also shot the Vort in the foot. Man, a lotta cheap shots by Calhoun today. There goes his endorsement deals.

Whoops! Don’t forget about the rollermine! It rolls up, as rollermines tend to do, discharging electricity and looking for a little payback.

Ka-Kneecap! Barney gets his comeuppance, as the rollermine jolts him right in the knee! He manages to repel it with a shotgun blast but the damage is already done. And… the race is actually, finally, truly underway, as the rollermine bounces a hundred feet up the road, taking a HUGE lead!

See, I told you it was a marathon. In the lead is the rollermine, but the Vort thuds up the road, hot on its tail, passing by the dead headcrab who has now fallen into third.

The rollermine suddenly changes directions, slamming into the Vortigaunt’s crotch! Ouch!

Despite the internal genitalia, it is a fatal injury for the Vort, and it falls, just fifty or sixty feet from the starting line. The agony of defeat.

We’ll spare you the rest of the photos. The rollermine is more or less indestructible except if submerged in water or blasted with explosives, two things this map is lacking in. And Barney just repeatedly unloads his shotgun at a safe distance, never venturing close enough to entice the rollermine to backtrack and kill him, and not making any real headway in the race.

So, this marathon ends with the Rollermine in first place, winning the Gold Medal, the Silver Medal going to the dead Vort with the scorched groin, and the Bronze going to Barney Calhoun. Though many have died, the Olympic spirit lives on!

We’ll still have three Frohmen, but since they got their asses kicked last time, we’re gonna downgrade their hardware. Yes, downgrade. We’d had them armed with an AR2, an SMG, and a shotgun, but if you read the comic, you know Frohman prefers his pistol above everything else, except maybe his shovel. So, we’re going to arm all three Frohmen with the pistols. Though small, they hold an 18-round clip and at close range they really pack a punch. Or at least a paf.

Even though we’re reducing their firepower, we’ve added two more Kleiners, for a total of three.

Gives the antlions a few more targets, plus it’s kinda funny when benign, absent-minded scientists are horribly killed, don’t you think?

We’ve trimmed the antlion’s numbers down to ten, five on each bank. We’re ready to rumble, so you know the rallying cry:

LET US ENGAGE IN COMBAT UNTIL SUCH A TIME AS ALL COMBATANTS ON ONE SIDE HAVE FALLEN IN COMBAT WHICH WILL DETERMINE WHICH COMBATANTS ARE SUPERIOR! AT COMBAT!

The antlions buzz through the air, taking some fire from the Frohmen’s spitguns, but making a beeline for the trio of scientists. It’s baffling why they seem to hate Kleiner so. Perhaps because he tests his teleportation experiments on animals.

Looks like a couple of the Frohmen are baffled as well. They stand and gawp as a couple of the antlions tear into a couple of the Kleiners.

One finally gets the right idea and starts shooting! And missing.

A few more antlions touch down on the island, while the leftmost Frohman seems a bit shocked his shots didn’t connect. Meanwhile, Isaac, Isaac, and Isaac are getting hammered by the sharp claws of the enraged aliens.

Youch! One of the Kleiners is sent sailing through the air by the force of an antlion gouge, and, tragically, his flying body slams into one of the Frohmen, killing him to death! That Frohman is dead before he even hits the dirt! Death by ragdoll! This is physics in action, folks! You’re not gonna see crazy shit like this in Doom 3 or FarCry!

With one Frohman dropping after being killed by an airborne scientist, another Kleiner folds – literally! His killer is dispatched nearly in the same moment by a Frohman who has finally remembered that he’s supposed to be shooting bugs, and the antlion explodes in a shower of guts behind Kleiner’s shattered body! This is a gruesome one!

It’s happened again! The second dead Kleiner has been propelled into the remaining living Kleiner, killing him! The antlions have killed two Kleiners, and the two dead Kleiners have killed a Kleiner and a Frohman! If you’re keeping score at home, your line for this play should read as follows:

F1-AL1 / AL2-K1-DK1-F3 / AL3-K2-F1-AL3-DK2-K3 / F1-AL4 / 6-4-3 / F2-AL5

With all the Kleiners dead, it’s definitely less dangerous out there, but our two remaining Frohmen still have their hands full.

They sure seem cool under pressure, though. Here, one takes a break to observe the lagoon view after dispatching two antlions, while a third tip-taps up for a bite.

Ah-ha! It was a ruse, as Frohman spins around and dispatches it with a couple point-blank shots. Meanwhile, another antlion has misjudged his landing and is flopping around in the water off the coast, drowning (and creatures do actually drown in HL2, which is kinda cool). Our other remaining Frohman reloads…

…and shows no mercy for the floundering beast. Paffing away, he puts the creature out of its misery as a dead Kleiner floats serenely by.

Only one antlion left, a coward who Frohman finishes off long distance. Looks like this one is over! A bloody, gruesome, ragdoll-intensive slaughter, the likes of which have not been seen in gm_construct in perhaps minutes.

For some reason, one of the Frohmen decided to run underwater, perhaps to examine his handiwork. At any rate, two Frohmen have survived to win the match, at least until this one runs out of breath.

Nice view of the Kleiners, too. Not a good day for them. Seeya next time!

And, the antlions take the second match! That leaves us with a tie-breaker. We’ll see what we can do to spice that up.

…courtesy of Gordon Frohman. Three of them, in fact, each armed with a different weapon.

Why all this protection, you might ask? Frankly, you’re asking a lot of questions today. Shut up.

And meet the enemy.

Will our Fighting Frohmen be able to protect the absent-minded and defenseless Dr. Kleiner? There’s only one way to find out!

At least until the rematch.

Anyway. We’ve also taken out a few of the explosive barrels. Look, they’re fun, but they keep ending the matches a bit too quickly. To compensate, I’ve opened up the gaps between junked cars a bit, to allow the zombies some easier access.

Okay, time for the To The Death rallying cry! Everybody:

We’re down to one cop, two zombies, and a headcrab that is scuttling around, oh, Lord only knows where. Miles from the action, at any rate. A few more days pass. The seasons change. Universes are born, grow, collapse and return to cosmic dust. And the last cop manages to eventually bring down the remaining two zombies.

Since we’re hoping our cops will stick around a little longer this time, we’ve also marked them for easy identification during the fray, and hopefully differentiated them from one another and given them some personality. For instance:

Seriously, check out all the zombie legs and torsos a-flingin’ around. Here’s the shot, full-size. That’s pretty cool.

Okay! That brings a sudden, shocking end to Match Two. Might have to tweak the setup for Match Three. Just a bit.

Now. If you were to examine the business model of the local Combine concern, you’d see they succeed due to a strict adherence to a carefully regimented hierarchy. At the top of the heap, you’ve got the Combine Advisor, followed by Dr. Breen, then probably Striders, Gunships, Attack Choppers, Drop Ships, Combine Elite, Combine Soldiers, and then the lowly Metro Cop. Though, I suppose Manhacks and Scanners would be lower down the ladder than the Metro Cops. And, I guess Stalkers would have to fit in there somewhere, too. And gun turrets! And that British lady who makes those PA announcements. Ooh, forgot about the APCs, too. Huh, I’ll have to actually sit down and make a real org chart someday.

The cops will be armed with standard issue pistols with 18-round clips, the zombies have a primary attack of a claw swipe (sometimes a double-claw swipe), and a secondary attack of dying and having their headcrabs leave their body and leap at their enemies. They also have a special attack which involves swiping at an object in their path and turning it into a projectile. Plus, sometimes when they get cut in half, the upper halves of them crawl forward and continue attacking.

With all those different attacks, and 5-to-1 odds, how do our officers even have a chance? Well, it all boils down to the arena.

Well, it’s a decisive victory for the zombies today. Despite their slow start, they caught some lucky breaks when two officers were killed by poorly placed barrels, and the other one simply didn’t bring his A-game. Or, any game. We’ll try this match-up again with a couple modifications, and see if the officers can come back with a better strategy. Here’s a sneak-peek of Match Two, Round Two:

The last two rounds were clear, easy victories for the Antlion Guard, so we’ve altered the circumstances for round three. Speaking of three…

Unfortunately for our remaining heroes, today’s match was in the Antlion’s home stadium, and angry fans rush the field.

That’s it for our first Match, with the Antlion Guards taking two rounds of three. Next time we’ll start over and have some brand new opponents to shred each other up.

Here, Barney and Alyx can fire upon the Guard through windows while avoiding the ever-so-deadly direct charge of the massive Myrmidont.

Let’s see if they can hold the Antlion Guard at bay long enough to bring him (or, I guess, her) down! Once again, none of this stuff is posed, this is just straight AI combat between spawned NPC’s. I do enough goddamn ragdoll posing as it is. Right! Is everybody ready?

Can any combination of our three (well, technically four) heroes defeat this marauding behemoth? We’ll try it again one more time, to see if there’s anything we can do to tip the odds the other way. Like maybe, oh, I dunno…

I thought I’d start off with some of the most durable, hard-to-kill characters in the game. In this corner: