Mass Effect 2: The Screenplay

Christopher — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:59:24 +0000

Okay, Hollywood, listen up. There are three things nerds have wanted for a while: good movies based on comic books, good movies based on fantasy novels, and good movies based on video games.

I’ll give you this: after some early struggles, you’ve finally made some decent comic book movies, like Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Iron Man (the first one), Spider-Man (the first two), and maybe one-and-a-half of the X-Men films.

Plus, you scored twin dunkers with The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Harry Potter and the Blankity Blank sevenilogy. Or eightilogy. Whatever.

But good movies based on video games? In my opinion, you haven’t cracked the code. You’ve given us crap like Doom, Hitman, Prince of Persia, Max Payne, and Streetfighter. Where’s our good movie, the one we can point to and say, “Hey, this doesn’t suck too bad!”

You need help, and I am qualified to provide it due to the following facts:

1) I have played some games
2) I sort of remember some stuff about them
3) I wrote the stuff down in screenplay form

You’re welcome. Please note, Hollywood, that if you haven’t played this game yet, there are spoilers.

Mass Effect 2: The Screenplay
Based on the things I can remember from playing the video game Mass Effect 2
By Christopher Livingston

INT. SPACE STATION

FEMALE SHEPARD

After an exciting space battle that killed me, I’ve been brought back from the dead. Who are you?

BORING HUMAN GUY

I’m a human guy and not an alien; therefore I’m pretty boring.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Can I have sex with you?

BORING HUMAN GUY

Not yet. You’ll have to kill a lot of aliens and check back after each fight to see if I say anything new.

FEMALE SHEPARD kills a lot of aliens.

FEMALE SHEPARD

How about now?

BORING HUMAN GUY

Not yet. You’ll have to kill a lot of aliens and check back after each fight to see if I say anything new.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Damn.

INT. SPACESHIP NEAR A STAR

ILLUSIVE MAN

I’m your mysterious chain-smoking boss, and I’d just like to quickly apologize for my name. Here’s a brand new spaceship that is already obsolete.

FEMALE SHEPARD

So I need upgrades? Will you give them to me?

ILLUSIVE MAN

Lord, no. You’ll just have to find them somewhere. Try checking the entire universe.

INT: SPACEPORT SHOPPING MALL

FEMALE SHEPARD

The universe is in great peril. Thousands of colonists have been abducted or killed. There’s very little time to put together a crack squad of specialists to save everyone.

SAD ALIEN

I’ve lost my necklace.

FEMALE SHEPARD

I’ll drop everything and find it for you.

SAD ALIEN

Thanks! I’ll stand right here and be sad until you come back, even if it takes weeks.

FEMALE SHEPARD

I also need to find ingredients so my ship’s cook can make a nice meal. I’m sure the universe will be okay in the meantime. Ooh, toy spaceships for sale!

INT. NORMANDY

FEMALE SHEPARD

I need to go down to a planet. Which of my team members should I bring? Some have biotic powers, some are good with heavy weapons, others are good at long range. I must think tactically and ensure I’m ready for any combat scenario.

SEXY CREW MEMBER

You can see most of my tits.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Sold! I’ll also take the alien doctor.

ALIEN DOCTOR

A wise choice. No doubt due to my knowledge and expertise!

FEMALE SHEPARD

No, you’re just amusing.

EXT. PLANET

FEMALE SHEPARD

The aliens are attacking! I’ll take cover behind all these objects that are the perfect size to take cover behind.

COVER SALESMAN

That’s right! As a salesman for Cover Systems Unlimited, we equip all spaceships, space ports, and planets with objects you can hide behind. Our motto is: “We’ve got you covered!”

EVIL BOSS ALIEN

I am the evil boss alien, as you can tell by my deep scary voice. I am taking control of one of my alien minions to personally ensure your doom.

FEMALE SHEPARD immediately kills him.

EVIL BOSS ALIEN

Well, that didn’t work, but I’ll still try it six hundred more times because it looks cool.

INT. NORMANDY

FEMALE SHEPARD

I’m saving the universe, putting my life on the line and making tough choices that could result in countless lives being saved. I am a true hero.

BORING HUMAN GUY

Then why do you have evil glowing scars and demonic eyes?

FEMALE SHEPARD

I was rude to some shopkeepers.

INT. SPACE PRISON

A huge battle breaks out in space prison.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Oh no! Enemies everywhere! And there’s no cover! I guess this will be a different kind of battle than the last 300 battles.

A bunch of cover conveniently pops out of the floor.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Seriously? That just happened?

COVER SALESMAN

Yes! For space prisons and other areas where you wouldn’t expect cover, we install cover in the floor that pops out when it detects a gun being drawn! All in a day’s work for Cover Systems Unlimited!

FEMALE SHEPARD

Can I have sex with you?

COVER SALESMAN

Not until you shoot more aliens.

INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP

FEMALE SHEPARD

Here I am, defending one of my alien crew against a court martial. This is cool, because every mission up until now has been about shooting things, but now I expect I’ll have to present a detailed case to spare my crew member. Finally, I’ll get to use my brain instead of my gun!

ALIEN JUDGE

Your crew member will be spared only if you go shoot a bunch of things.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Damn.

INT. NORMANDY

FEMALE SHEPARD

Well, I’ve completely assembled my crew and helped them all out with their personal problems that were a priority for some reason despite the enormous threat to the universe. I guess we should go do the final mission while there’s still time.

UGLY ALIEN

I’m ready to have sex now.

OTHER UGLY ALIEN

Me too!

FEMALE SHEPARD

Can’t I have sex with both of you?

UGLY ALIEN

Don’t be gross.

FEMALE SHEPARD uses her SAVE GAME and RELOAD SAVED GAMES skills and has implied sex with both aliens anyway.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Well that was terrible. Did I really spend hours talking to you just for that?

UNIVERSE

Hey, remember me? Should I just save myself, or are you done helping aliens find missing lockets and having vague, disappointing sex with gross space monsters?

FEMALE SHEPARD

Be right there. Gotta check my e-mail and visit a nightclub so I can dance awkwardly.

INT. EVIL SPACESHIP

FEMALE SHEPARD

Now I have to choose which of my team members will do what on this suicide mission. I have to put my personal feelings aside and choose the best agents for the tasks at hand, despite the fact that it could result in their deaths and I’ve grown quite fond of many of them.

SEXY CREW MEMBER

Tits. Just sayin’.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Right, you stay with me. Human guy, go crawl through those danger-tunnels.

BORING HUMAN GUY

Argh! I’m dead!

COVER SALESMAN

Those danger-tunnels really should have had some cover in them. My bad.

INT. HUGE ROBOT CHAMBER

FEMALE SHEPARD

It seems the evil aliens have constructed a huge robot, which they are pumping full of ground-up human beings, which makes the robot extra evil or something.

The huge robot comes to life and attacks.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Now, the moment I’ve been training for. I’ll put all my skills to use, and use everything I’ve learned throughout this remarkable and unique journey.

HUGE ROBOT

No, you can just shoot me in the eyes like I’m a boss in a video game from fifteen years ago with a really obvious weak spot.

FEMALE SHEPARD saves the universe.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Well done! Or, I’m angry at you! Depending which choice you made at the end.

FEMALE SHEPARD

I can’t wait for the sequel. In the meantime, I’ll in the nightclub awkwardly dancing.

THE END

Commander Shepard Triumphantly Resolves Minor Squabble

Observer Staff — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 17:08:38 +0000

The Citadel, Serpent Nebula — Commander Shepard of the U.S.S. Normandy chalked up another important victory today when she solved a minor dispute involving a missing, possibly stolen credit chit on The Citadel. Citizens of the universe, still in grave peril from an alien species of immense power and unthinkable evil, rejoiced at Commander Shepard’s key role in solving this minor disagreement.

The trivial incident occurred on Level 26 of The Citadel. A Volus named Kor Tun discovered he was missing a credit chit shortly after bumping into a female Quarian named Lia’Vael. Suspecting she had deliberately engineered their collision to surreptitiously lift the chit from his pocket, Kor Tun flagged down a C-Sec officer and demanded the Quarian be placed under arrest.

It was at this point that Commander Shepard, who had earlier been investigating the mysterious abduction of thousands of colonists by unknown evil alien forces, but who had stopped by the Citadel to shop for tropical fish for her aquarium, overheard the dispute and intervened.

After obtaining each individual’s interpretation of the incident, Shepard began her in-depth investigation, putting the pressing matter of the salvation of the universe on hold once again. Shepard spoke to employees at the Sirta Foundation, where the two aliens had bumped into each other, and at Saronis Applications, where Kor Tun had been shopping earlier. Shepard eventually determined that Kor Tun had made some purchases with the chit but had accidentally left it in the store.

As the matter of the thousands of missing, possibly murdered colonists remained a chilling mystery, Shepard made a quick trip to search for platinum on a planet in the Pax System and took a lengthy detour to have a drink and watch an exotic dancer in the Afterlife Club in the Omega Nebula. She then returned to the Citadel, where the three participants in the missing chit incident were still patiently waiting where she had left them. Shepard informed them of her discovery: the Volus had simply forgotten to take his credit chit with him after leaving Saronis Applications, who were holding it for him.

“That’s what makes Shepard such a valuable commander,” one bystander said. “She has the leadership to put the fate of the universe and the well-being of thousands of missing colonists on hold to look into the smallest personal matter, such as finding ingredients for her ship’s cook so he can prepare a nice meal, buying toy spaceships to decorate her cabin, or seeing how many of her shipmates she can seduce.”

News of Shepard’s decisive minor victory quickly spread through the galaxy, lifting the spirits of people everywhere who were wondering what had happened to their missing loved ones and how soon they too would be abducted and consumed by the ancient evil plaguing the universe.

Even people in other dimensions of the multiverse were impressed with Shepard’s ability to ignore impending doom in favor of resolving minor dust-ups. “You just don’t see that kind of dedication to trivial matters anymore,” said Arvena Thelas, a Dunmer commoner living in the Cyrodiil city of Anvil. “The last time I remember anything like that was when the Hero of Kvatch took time off from closing demon-filled Oblivion Gates that were threatening to bring about the end of the world, in order to help me a problem I had with the rats in my basement.”

Commander Shepard could not be reached for comment, as she had once again placed her primary mission on hold to share a bottle of brandy with her ship’s doctor.

Mass Effect 2 – Screen Cuisine

Mass Effect 2: The Screenplay

Commander Shepard Triumphantly Resolves Minor Squabble