Enrichment Center, Aperture Science Laboratories — A female test subject, freshly awakened from a relaxation vault in a secret underground laboratory, has begun to wonder if the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device she is testing makes her ass look big.

The experimental device can manufacture two linked portals through which light and matter can pass, and after placing parallel portals on walls a few feet apart, the test subject, named Chell, has discovered she can peer through one portal and view her own backside, which, she thinks, looks big.

“Does my ass look big in this portal?” she wondered aloud. “Oh, it looks terrible. Terrible. This orange jumpsuit is all bunchy and bulky, I might as well be wearing a burlap sack.”

“My butt looks even bigger down there,” she said, referring to one of the versions of herself that were duplicated over and over into infinity through the portals. “I think each portal adds ten pounds.”

“These heels aren’t helping either,” she noted, referring to the metal impact-negating prostheses attached to her calves.

Chell continued to view herself through the portal, and along with her concerns regarding the appearance of her ass, she also considered the poor state of her hairdo and complexion after spending an unspecified amount of time in stasis.

“My hair looks awful,” she stated after repositioning the two portals perpendicularly in a corner and stepping close so she could view her profile.”Total bed-head. Oh, my skin, too. My pores are totally clogged. I hope one of these portals opens into a spa.”

Doug Rattmann, a previous Aperture Science test subject now living in seclusion in maintenance areas and crawlspaces of the facility, remained hidden from the concerned, slightly insecure woman.

“I don’t really want to talk to her when she’s in this kind of mood,” he whispered from the section of ductwork he was crouching in. “Anyway, her butt looks fine. Totally great. She totally pulls off that jumpsuit look.”

“Why is she so worried?” he added. “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Chell, a few chambers away, took one last look at her own butt before shrugging, sighing, and continuing through the facility.

“Either way,” she said, “When I’m done here, I’d better skip the cake.”

Story idea by Observer contributor Michael Fiegel.