Video Game Movie Scripts – Screen Cuisine

Mass Effect 2: The Screenplay

Christopher — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:59:24 +0000

Okay, Hollywood, listen up. There are three things nerds have wanted for a while: good movies based on comic books, good movies based on fantasy novels, and good movies based on video games.

I’ll give you this: after some early struggles, you’ve finally made some decent comic book movies, like Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Iron Man (the first one), Spider-Man (the first two), and maybe one-and-a-half of the X-Men films.

Plus, you scored twin dunkers with The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Harry Potter and the Blankity Blank sevenilogy. Or eightilogy. Whatever.

But good movies based on video games? In my opinion, you haven’t cracked the code. You’ve given us crap like Doom, Hitman, Prince of Persia, Max Payne, and Streetfighter. Where’s our good movie, the one we can point to and say, “Hey, this doesn’t suck too bad!”

You need help, and I am qualified to provide it due to the following facts:

1) I have played some games
2) I sort of remember some stuff about them
3) I wrote the stuff down in screenplay form

You’re welcome. Please note, Hollywood, that if you haven’t played this game yet, there are spoilers.

Mass Effect 2: The Screenplay
Based on the things I can remember from playing the video game Mass Effect 2
By Christopher Livingston

INT. SPACE STATION

FEMALE SHEPARD

After an exciting space battle that killed me, I’ve been brought back from the dead. Who are you?

BORING HUMAN GUY

I’m a human guy and not an alien; therefore I’m pretty boring.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Can I have sex with you?

BORING HUMAN GUY

Not yet. You’ll have to kill a lot of aliens and check back after each fight to see if I say anything new.

FEMALE SHEPARD kills a lot of aliens.

FEMALE SHEPARD

How about now?

BORING HUMAN GUY

Not yet. You’ll have to kill a lot of aliens and check back after each fight to see if I say anything new.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Damn.

INT. SPACESHIP NEAR A STAR

ILLUSIVE MAN

I’m your mysterious chain-smoking boss, and I’d just like to quickly apologize for my name. Here’s a brand new spaceship that is already obsolete.

FEMALE SHEPARD

So I need upgrades? Will you give them to me?

ILLUSIVE MAN

Lord, no. You’ll just have to find them somewhere. Try checking the entire universe.

INT: SPACEPORT SHOPPING MALL

FEMALE SHEPARD

The universe is in great peril. Thousands of colonists have been abducted or killed. There’s very little time to put together a crack squad of specialists to save everyone.

SAD ALIEN

I’ve lost my necklace.

FEMALE SHEPARD

I’ll drop everything and find it for you.

SAD ALIEN

Thanks! I’ll stand right here and be sad until you come back, even if it takes weeks.

FEMALE SHEPARD

I also need to find ingredients so my ship’s cook can make a nice meal. I’m sure the universe will be okay in the meantime. Ooh, toy spaceships for sale!

INT. NORMANDY

FEMALE SHEPARD

I need to go down to a planet. Which of my team members should I bring? Some have biotic powers, some are good with heavy weapons, others are good at long range. I must think tactically and ensure I’m ready for any combat scenario.

SEXY CREW MEMBER

You can see most of my tits.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Sold! I’ll also take the alien doctor.

ALIEN DOCTOR

A wise choice. No doubt due to my knowledge and expertise!

FEMALE SHEPARD

No, you’re just amusing.

EXT. PLANET

FEMALE SHEPARD

The aliens are attacking! I’ll take cover behind all these objects that are the perfect size to take cover behind.

COVER SALESMAN

That’s right! As a salesman for Cover Systems Unlimited, we equip all spaceships, space ports, and planets with objects you can hide behind. Our motto is: “We’ve got you covered!”

EVIL BOSS ALIEN

I am the evil boss alien, as you can tell by my deep scary voice. I am taking control of one of my alien minions to personally ensure your doom.

FEMALE SHEPARD immediately kills him.

EVIL BOSS ALIEN

Well, that didn’t work, but I’ll still try it six hundred more times because it looks cool.

INT. NORMANDY

FEMALE SHEPARD

I’m saving the universe, putting my life on the line and making tough choices that could result in countless lives being saved. I am a true hero.

BORING HUMAN GUY

Then why do you have evil glowing scars and demonic eyes?

FEMALE SHEPARD

I was rude to some shopkeepers.

INT. SPACE PRISON

A huge battle breaks out in space prison.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Oh no! Enemies everywhere! And there’s no cover! I guess this will be a different kind of battle than the last 300 battles.

A bunch of cover conveniently pops out of the floor.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Seriously? That just happened?

COVER SALESMAN

Yes! For space prisons and other areas where you wouldn’t expect cover, we install cover in the floor that pops out when it detects a gun being drawn! All in a day’s work for Cover Systems Unlimited!

FEMALE SHEPARD

Can I have sex with you?

COVER SALESMAN

Not until you shoot more aliens.

INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP

FEMALE SHEPARD

Here I am, defending one of my alien crew against a court martial. This is cool, because every mission up until now has been about shooting things, but now I expect I’ll have to present a detailed case to spare my crew member. Finally, I’ll get to use my brain instead of my gun!

ALIEN JUDGE

Your crew member will be spared only if you go shoot a bunch of things.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Damn.

INT. NORMANDY

FEMALE SHEPARD

Well, I’ve completely assembled my crew and helped them all out with their personal problems that were a priority for some reason despite the enormous threat to the universe. I guess we should go do the final mission while there’s still time.

UGLY ALIEN

I’m ready to have sex now.

OTHER UGLY ALIEN

Me too!

FEMALE SHEPARD

Can’t I have sex with both of you?

UGLY ALIEN

Don’t be gross.

FEMALE SHEPARD uses her SAVE GAME and RELOAD SAVED GAMES skills and has implied sex with both aliens anyway.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Well that was terrible. Did I really spend hours talking to you just for that?

UNIVERSE

Hey, remember me? Should I just save myself, or are you done helping aliens find missing lockets and having vague, disappointing sex with gross space monsters?

FEMALE SHEPARD

Be right there. Gotta check my e-mail and visit a nightclub so I can dance awkwardly.

INT. EVIL SPACESHIP

FEMALE SHEPARD

Now I have to choose which of my team members will do what on this suicide mission. I have to put my personal feelings aside and choose the best agents for the tasks at hand, despite the fact that it could result in their deaths and I’ve grown quite fond of many of them.

SEXY CREW MEMBER

Tits. Just sayin’.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Right, you stay with me. Human guy, go crawl through those danger-tunnels.

BORING HUMAN GUY

Argh! I’m dead!

COVER SALESMAN

Those danger-tunnels really should have had some cover in them. My bad.

INT. HUGE ROBOT CHAMBER

FEMALE SHEPARD

It seems the evil aliens have constructed a huge robot, which they are pumping full of ground-up human beings, which makes the robot extra evil or something.

The huge robot comes to life and attacks.

FEMALE SHEPARD

Now, the moment I’ve been training for. I’ll put all my skills to use, and use everything I’ve learned throughout this remarkable and unique journey.

HUGE ROBOT

No, you can just shoot me in the eyes like I’m a boss in a video game from fifteen years ago with a really obvious weak spot.

FEMALE SHEPARD saves the universe.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Well done! Or, I’m angry at you! Depending which choice you made at the end.

FEMALE SHEPARD

I can’t wait for the sequel. In the meantime, I’ll in the nightclub awkwardly dancing.

THE END

The Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn: The Movie

Christopher — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:55:22 +0000

(The following post originally appeared on my old gaming blog, The First-Person Shouter)

If you follow my Twitter, you already know I’m very excited about a game called Merchants of Brooklyn. [Edit: it’s now called Drug Wars.] Here are some excepts from the game’s description:

In 3100 A.D., global warming has caused the sea level to rise and engulf the streets of Brooklyn. The land is gone, but society rebuilds the city on top of existing structures, connecting buildings through a network of sky bridges…

To meet the upper city’s demand for laborers, city leaders contract the Brooklyn Institute of Technology (B.I.T.) to clone a new working class…. Neanderthals were chosen as the main focus of the research based on their physical resilience. The city’s contract called for far more Neanderthal clones than were required, causing the excess and sub-standard Neo-Neanderthals to be discarded to the dregs of the city…

…You take the role of an elite Neanderthal fighter with a taste for blood. Having had your arm unwillingly detached from your body courtesy of a chainsaw, your new prototype biomechanical arm transforms into different twisted and brutal weaponry to aid you in the slaughter…

That is quite simply the most awesome description of a game I’ve ever read. It’s so fucking awesome I don’t even dare check out the game itself, because in no way could it ever live up to that description. I can’t look at screenshots or videos or read reviews or anything that might take away from the perfect concept of cloned cavemen building sky bridges in future Brooklyn. No matter what the game actually is, it will never equal the images flooding through my brain.

But I want to do something with this game, so, I’m going to take the only logical step left: I’m going to write a screenplay for the movie adaptation of Merchants of Brooklyn.

And here it is:

THE CLONED CAVEMEN OF FUTURE BROOKLYN
Based on the description of the video game “Merchants of Brooklyn”
Adapted for film by Christopher Livingston

FADE IN:

EXT. BROOKLYN, NY: 3100 A.D.

We see Brooklyn, NY, half-submerged in water. A large, bulky figure stands with his back to us, staring out over the water.

VOICE OVER

My name? Caveman. Jake Caveman. This is Brooklyn. In the year 3100.

He turns and we see that he is a caveman.

VOICE OVER

You must be wondering why. Why is there a caveman in the future. I’m starting to wonder myself…

The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes, and we:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE

CAPTION: ONE YEAR AGO

We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window of his penthouse atop a skyscraper. He peers down at Brooklyn.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

My beloved city, Brooklyn, of which I am the President. And it’s covered in water.

A SCIENTIST enters the penthouse.

SCIENTIST

Mr. President? You have to make a decision, sir.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Fine. What are my options?

SCIENTIST

Well, due to global warming, Brooklyn is covered in water. We should abandon it.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

No one is abandoning Brooklyn. Not on my watch.

SCIENTIST

The other option would be to build on top of the existing buildings, and connect the new buildings with a network of sky bridges.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Sold. But who will undertake such dangerous work? We can’t risk the lives of the rich and greedy by making them build dangerous sky bridges.

SCIENTIST

I would suggest we have robots do it.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Robots? That will never work. Robots are useless. What kind of scientist are you, anyway?

SCIENTIST

Okay… How about we clone cavemen and make them do it?

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

To the lab!

CUT TO:

INT. ARENA

JAKE CAVEMAN is fighting another caveman in an arena.

VOICE OVER

By day, I build networks of sky bridges, like all the other cavemen. By night, I make extra money by fighting in the arena, like all the other cavemen.

JAKE CAVEMAN kills the other caveman, and the audience, all cavemen, cheer.

VOICE OVER

The more caveman I kill, the further I feel from the Neolithic Period. But why? What led to this?

The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes and we:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE

CAPTION: THREE MONTHS AFTER ONE YEAR AGO

We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

How is the network of sky bridges coming along?

SCIENTIST

Incredibly well. As I suspected, cavemen are extremely adept at building networks of sky bridges.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

So, no problems?

SCIENTIST

Well, we did have a setback. One caveman had his arm cut off with a chainsaw.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN slams his fists down on his desk.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Dammit! We were so close to making this work.

SCIENTIST

It’s okay, we have, like, thousands of spare cavemen. Too many, really. We’ll just get rid of him and replace him with one of the many, many extra cavemen we have.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Not on my watch. I want that caveman fixed and back to work tomorrow. Give him a new robot arm that turns into different weapons.

SCIENTIST

Whuh, why… why does the arm need to turn into weapons? He’s just a caveman who is helping build a network of
sky bridges.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Just do it!!

SCIENTIST

I thought you didn’t even like robots.

CUT TO:

INT. JAKE CAVEMAN’S APARTMENT

JAKE CAVEMAN is making love to FAITH CAVEMAN, a sexy caveman woman.

FAITH CAVEMAN

Oh, Jake… you’re not like all the other cavemen.

JAKE CAVEMAN

You mean because of my robot arm that turns into different weapons?

FAITH CAVEMAN

No… it’s the way you keep having flashbacks about the President that you weren’t even there to witness.

Suddenly, a pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers bursts into the apartment, brandishing handkerchiefs and cups of tea. JAKE CAVEMAN’s arm turns into a gatling laser gun and he kills the entire pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers.

FAITH CAVEMAN

Oh, Jake! You were so brave when you killed all those 16th Century Tudor Courtiers. They’re everywhere these days. But where are they all coming from?

The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’s eyes.

FAITH CAVEMAN

See, you’re doing it again.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE

CAPTION: THREE WEEKS AFTER FOUR MONTHS BEFORE A FEW DAYS AGO

We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.

SCIENTIST

Sir, we have a problem. The cavemen have stopped working on the networks of sky bridges and are spending all their time doing battle with thousands of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers that are suddenly everywhere.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Yes… so much violence… but I’m afraid it’s necessary.

SCIENTIST

Sir… do you… do you know something about all these 16th Century Tudor Courtiers?

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I cloned them. I cloned… all of them.

SCIENTIST

You… you madman! You used my caveman cloning research, didn’t you? My scientific research on
how to clone cavemen and make them build networks of sky bridges, and you used it to clone 16th Century Tudor Courtiers and make them fight the cavemen? But why? For what purpose?

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

You couldn’t understand. Only… only the President of a sinking city could understand.

SCIENTIST

I’m shutting it down. All of it! This madness ends here!

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN draws a pistol from his jacket.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I’m afraid I can’t allow that.

SCIENTIST

No… no!

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN pulls the trigger.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. TOP OF HIGHEST SKY BRIDGE

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN is standing on the top of the highest sky bridge in Brooklyn. He looks down at his half-submerged, war-torn city, and grins bitterly.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I thought it was about time we met.

From the shadows, JAKE CAVEMEN steps into view. His robot arm is in the shape of a spiked electro-nunchuck.

JAKE CAVEMAN

I just want to know why. Why cavemen. Why sky bridges. Why everything.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I suppose you’re going to kill me now.

JAKE CAVEMAN

The thought had crossed my mind.

JAKE CAVEMAN lunges. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN spins around and fires a shot from his gun. JAKE CAVEMAN collapses onto the top of the sky bridge.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

You fool. What hope could you possibly have of understanding this. You’re just a caveman.

JAKE CAVEMAN, bloodied and weak, turns his robot arm into a steam-powered cat-o-nine-tails, but THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN shoots the robot arm and it breaks.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Did you think I’d forgotten about your robot arm that can turn into different weapons? Did you really think
I’d forget that?

JAKE CAVEMAN

You did… forget… one thing…

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

And what’s that?

JAKE CAVEMAN

That I have… another… arm.

JAKE CAVEMAN swings his normal arm around and knocks THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN off the edge of the sky bridge. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN manages to grab onto one of the sky bridge thingies that juts out, and hangs there by one hand.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

My mother always said one day I’d be killed by a caveman on a sky bridge.

He falls hundreds of stories into the water where he is impaled on the pointy part of an old building that is just sticking up out of the water. The building explodes.

JAKE CAVEMAN

That’s gotta hurt.

A horribly shitty rap soundtrack starts playing.

THE END