{"id":80,"date":"2010-04-26T07:42:32","date_gmt":"2010-04-26T14:42:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.firstpersonobserver.com\/?p=80"},"modified":"2012-06-12T19:01:22","modified_gmt":"2012-06-13T03:01:22","slug":"apocalypse-survivor-irritated-by-helpful-companions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.screencuisine.net\/firstpersonobserver\/local\/apocalypse-survivor-irritated-by-helpful-companions\/","title":{"rendered":"Apocalypse Survivor Irritated By Helpful Companions"},"content":{"rendered":"

Savannah, Georgia — <\/strong>In the filthy, body-strewn streets of Savannah, Georgia, one survivor of the apocalyptic pandemic repeatedly complained that his three companions were helping him too much. “Stop shooting!” a survivor known only as “Coach” yelled at his three baffled companions, who were trying to save his life from hordes of rampaging infected humans. “I need melee kills!”<\/p>\n

He chastised his fellow survivors a moment later for shooting down a Spitter, a type of infected who expels streams of burning acid from her gaping maw. “Aw, goddamn it! I needed to kill her before she spat!” He hit one of his companions with the fire axe he was wielding. “Thanks a lot, idiot!”<\/p>\n

“Everything out of his mouth is a complaint about how we’re interfering with him,” said one of his companions, a former mechanic named Ellis. “Don’t shoot that clown zombie, I need to honk his nose. Don’t heal me, I’m trying to make it without using health kits. It’s like he wishes we weren’t even here with him.”<\/p>\n

“Until he gets ridden by a Jockey or dragged by a Smoker,” added Ellis. “Then we apparently can’t help him quickly enough.”<\/p>\n

“It’s like he has a series of tasks he’s trying to achieve, and nothing else matters,” another survivor named Rochelle noted. “For some reason, he desperately needs to decapitate thirteen more infected, and heaven help you if you shoot the one he’s got his eye on. He even yelled at me for picking up a vial of Boomer puke off an infected [Civil Emergency and Defense Agency] guy he’d killed, like that was something else on his imaginary list he needed to do.”<\/p>\n

“I thought Coach was supposed to be this sort of sage, big-hearted guy, a voice of reason, a natural leader who would band our small group of misfits together,” she added. “But he’s kind of an immature jerk.”<\/p>\n

“One time he left me there, incapacitated, after I got hit by a Charger,” said the fourth member of the group, a wry con-man named Nick. “He ran around looking for a shot of adrenaline to inject himself with before helping me up. I don’t know why he feels such a need to accomplish these weird, arbitrary tasks. Most of them have nothing to do with surviving this nightmare, and they don’t contribute to our mutual goal of being rescued.”<\/p>\n

“Yesterday, he even insisted on carry a fucking garden gnome with him at all times for some reason,” he said bitterly. “I just know he’s going to get us all killed. And when he does, he’ll probably claim it was our fault.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"