This review of the Cities XL demo was published on Shacknews on September 14, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of the Batman: Arkham Asylum demo was published on Shacknews on August 10, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of the Demigod demo was published on Shacknews on August 3, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of The Hunter demo was published on Shacknews on July 8, 2009. Click here to read it.

This review of the America’s Army 3 demo was published on Shacknews on June 30, 2009. Click here to read it.

Seriously, I’m working on it, and it should be here in week or so. It’s pretty obvious you have no reason to believe me, since I’m always saying stuff like this and never delivering. But it’s coming, and it’ll be here soon. If it’s not here soon, you’ll see it eventually. If, eventually, you don’t see it, it’ll be here someday.

In the meantime, why not subscribe to the feed? That way, you’ll know if it gets here soon, eventually, or someday without having to visit the page. http://livinginoblivion.wordpress.com/feed/

This review of the Mob Ties Tokyo demo was published on Shacknews on April 12, 2009. Click here to read it.

Before I downloaded and played the demo for The Last Remnant, I had no idea what it was. I didn’t know what kind of game it was, what genre it fit into, what the story was about, or how to play it.

After playing the demo, all of the above is still pretty much true.

Most demos are in some way tutorials: lots of on-screen instructions, pop-up hints, maybe a little movie to explain who you are and what is happening in the game world. The Last Remnant just dumps you into a throne room without a single word of explanation. At least the other characters appear to be as speechless as I am.

Okay… I’m in a room. My name appears to be “City Map.” I guess I’ll take it from here.

“City Map” seems an odd choice for a hero’s name, but as far as I know, it makes perfect sense in this game’s universe, about which I’ve been told nothing. City Map manages to select one of the NPCs, and finally I get some on-screen instructions: it tells me to press “A” to talk. Clicking the “A” key, however, makes City Map run to his left. Eventually, I realize the demo assumes I have a gamepad controller, and after several WTFs sent via IM to my friend Greg, who is also playing the demo, he tells me how to get the instructions listed in Keyboardese.

No, I don’t. I really don’t.

The guy on the throne informs me my name is not “City Map” but “Rush”, which is a little bit of a letdown, frankly. I think I’m gonna call him City Map anyway. I’m told I have to visit some place I’ve never heard of via some other place I don’t know about. Eventually, as I do in real life when I’m sad and confused, I wander into a pub.

I talk to a monster in the pub, and he tells me to meet him in some caves once I’ve finished the rest of my business. I don’t know if I have any business, or what what kind of business it would be if I did, but it’s moot because I’m instantly teleported to the caves anyway. I see the monster thing there, who says something about how we’re going to work together and then vanishes, leaving me completely alone. Okie-dokie!

I run through a tunnel until I find a couple of oversized insects, also known as The First Monsters You Always Get To Fight In Video Games. Good! A basic fight to sort of slowly ease me into how the combat works and how to fight and what sort of abilities I OH JESUS WHAT THE GOOD GODDAMN IS ALL THIS

what the shit

This all just slams up on my screen with no warning and no explanation. One minute there’s me and two bugs, the next there are like forty people I’ve never seen or met and a bunch of other bugs and a metric buttload of words and icons and status bars on the screen. Where the hell did everyone come from? What is happening? Who is everyone? And why? CITY MAP IS CONFUSED

What? Are you kidding? No! Good God no!

What? Huh? What does that mean? Is that a good thing? What’s happening?

Okay! Okay! I know those words. Do I… should I… do I have to do anything? Or is it… should I uh… are you even talking to me, game demo?

Um, yay? We — meaning some things and City Map — did, um, it. Whatever it was. And 5 chains! That… certainly is a number… of chains. Uh. Um.

Okay, so, the battle is over, and the several people or things that appeared suddenly to help me fight have disappeared again. I really am just completely baffled.

Luckily, things start making sense soon after the battle, when I touch a stone and a magical goblin pops out of my butt, gives me a blowjob, hands me some weed, and vanishes up my nose. If you think I’m kidding, or if you can offer some other interpretation of these events, please watch this YouTube video I uploaded and let me know.

Just so you know how I felt during all this, please enjoy this random series of images from the demo. I thought about animating them into some sort of Clockwork Orange-esque video, but I don’t want to be responsible for rampaging droogs.

i think that goblin in my ass gave me something

what are these things

more things I dunno

i’m too slow try ur too slow

that’s the biggest one of those i’ve ever seen

Thankfully, I died at some point, which was pretty easy to understand, for a change. I know games these days are often criticized for too much hand-holding, but I think some amount, especially in a game like this, is necessary. After all, every game is someone’s first game, and every demo is someone’s first demo, and if The Last Remnant demo is someone’s first demo, then I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also their last. Demo.

I don’t know how to rate this demo — I don’t even know what this demo is or what it means or who I am or when I ever was whatever I were.

Eight speechless speech bubbles out of eight speechless speechbubbles.

The prisoner is in front of me. He has long hair and is wearing a blue jumpsuit.

In twelve seconds time, the prisoner falls to the floor at my feet. He’s already lying there, twelve seconds into the future.

Ten seconds now.

I am punching the prioner in the face repeatedly. I saw him in his cellblock thirty seconds ago. He’s still there, thirty seconds into the past, in his darkened cell. I’m still there looking at him.

I’m punching him in the face. His teeth, more teeth than anyone should ever have in their mouth, fly everywhere. Along with a lot of blood. Seven seconds now.

I am tired of punching the prisoner. He falls to the floor at my feet.

I am going to punch other prisoners in the face. All we ever see of prisoners is their teeth flying out of their mouths.

Two hours into my future I’m surfing for porn, thinking about boobs. Twelve seconds into my past, I punch the prisoner in the face and he falls.

It is 7:39pm. I’m sitting at my desk, downloading Watchmen: The End is Nigh demo from Steam. I am thirty-six years old.

It is 7:45pm. I’m sitting at my desk, playing Watchmen: The End is Nigh demo. I am thirty-six years old.

The prisoner lies at my feet, is punched by my fists, is standing in front of me. I am watching his teeth, admiring their complex trajectories through the air.

I am trying to give a name for the force that set them in motion. Oh yeah. It was my fist, punching him. In the face.

I am playing as Rorschach. His mask looks really cool, the way it changes all the time. The lighting in the demo also looks cool. Everything looks cool. They did a nice job on making things look cool. It almost helps me not think about the fairly cruddy controls and horrible camera. You can also play as Nite Owl, though I choose not to.

Six seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Eighteen seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Twenty-two seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Forty seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Forty-six seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Fifty-one seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Sixty-eight seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Seventy seconds from now, I am killing a man in the snow. No, wait, my bad. I’m punching another prisoner in the face.

Seventy-nine seconds from now, I find a little floating icon that gives me the ability to punch prisoners in the face in a slightly different way.

We’re all puppets. I’m just a puppet who can punch a lot of prisoners in the face.

I find another floating icon that lets me do whatever this is. I have no idea what it is, exactly. A squall of tachyon particles, or perhaps whiskey shots, is making it difficult to see further into the future to determine exactly what the hell this is. Some sort of over-the-shoulder reverse butt-lock, perhaps.

Really, it’s just humiliating for both of us.

This demo can no longer be my concern. I am leaving it for one less repetitive. All the punching of prisoners in the face never seems to end.

But nothing ends. Nothing ever ends.

Looks neat, not much else besides punching in the face. A lot of punching in the face.

Still, when I’m done buying, mixing, and selling, I’m sitting on over 2,600 septims. Noice! I’ll have to see what a house goes for in this town. For now, it’s off to bed in the Dragon Claw Inn.

In the morning, I hit The Dividing Line, a weapons and armor shop, get everything repaired, and sell off my extras. I’m ditching all my heavy armor — it’s just too slow and clunky when worn by an alchemist who is already far too slow and clunky. Leather armor it is, until I can find something light to upgrade to.

Next, I visit the Great Chapel of Zenithar. Forget what the tour books say:  it’s not that great. It looks exactly like every other chapel I’ve been in. On the other hand, I finally find a priest selling a spell that will allow me to heal my horse, Beaker. It’s called Convalescence, and it costs me about 230 gold. Worth it, though, as now I’ll be able to take care of my beloved horsie.

I visit a few other shops, plus the Mage’s Guild, looking for ingredients to cure my wolf-borne diseases. I’m also looking for some shoes, since I don’t seem to have any for some reason, and a leather helmet to replace my iron one. No luck on either front. I’m also starting to get a bit frustrated about my disease situation. I just need one stinking ingredient with the Cure Disease property, but I can’t find one, or buy one, anywhere. With all these canine diseases in my system, I’m more dog now, than man.

Meanwhile, the hot topic in this exciting new town is focused on one thing: a woman named Rosentia Gallenus and how her house smells.

Well, this is a bit sad.  The game has definitely gotten the impression that I’m not looking for adventure — in fact, I’m actively avoiding it — and it’s stooping so low as to repeatedly invite me to check out a stinky house.

Two things about this.  First off, even as a non-adventurer, it’s just not appealing.  Okay, it doesn’t sound dangerous and thrilling, which is a plus in Nondrick’s book, but it doesn’t sound pleasant, either.  Why not have her house smell like fresh herbs?  Then I might take a peek.

Secondly, if I were an adventurer, running about trying to close Oblivion gates and stave off demon hordes, why the hell would I want to check out a smelly house, either?   Sure, it sounds like there’s definitely a problem in there, but I’m busy trying to save the frigging world.  This seems like a quest fit for absolutely no one.

Okay, that’s a little better.  An adventurer might pop his head in now and see what’s going on.  Still, I ain’t interested.

At the castle, I discover that the house for sale in Leyawiin can be had for only $7,000 bucks. That’s not bad at all. I check out some nearby houses to see what mine might look like, and it’s practically a mansion for your humble alchemist. Beats my one room hovel in Imperial City, though I’m not crazy about the location. Leyawiin is in the very deep south, at the very bottom of the game’s map, and as a gatherer, I need fertile land in all directions to make a living.  I’d better check out the surrounding countryside to peep what groweth there.

I strike out to the west and north the next morning. There’s not much to find in the marshy landscape except more mushrooms. A Khajiit bandit (female, of course) attacks me after I poke my unprotected noggin into Undertow Cavern. She falls with just a two swings of my longsword.  Should’ve spent more time practicing and less time on the complicated hairdo.  Women!

Upon finding Telepe, some Ayleid ruins, I hear a voice yell “Showing your face around here is the last mistake you’ll ever make!” I’m a little confused, since the speaker sounded like he was about a mile away and hollering into a bucket. No one appears and attacks me as I wander carefully around. Eventually, I’m struck by a number of arrows, but I still have no idea where from.

I stroll away, arrows protruding, confused.  I’ve learned my lesson, though, and I won’t show my face in that general area again.

In a small settlement called Water’s Edge, I let myself into the home of Jolie and Eduard Retiene, a pleasant couple who have chosen to spend their day standing and silently contemplating one of the walls in their home. Guess they’re waiting for TV to be invented.

I’m so desperate for finding a curative ingredient that I break one of my rules and raid their garden, picking all the vegetables and examining their properties. No dice. Feeling guilty for stealing from these humble, gently retarded farmers, I drop a silver cup and a couple repair hammers in the garden I just molested, as a form of payment. It’s sort of like in a movie, when a mobster smashes a reporter’s camera and then chucks some bills from a roll of hundreds on the ground, only not even remotely as cool.

A little further up the road, I find the settlement known as Border Watch. It’s sizable, with several homes and a cluster of citizens all standing around talking to each other about horribly boring things. I stop at the Border Watch Inn, where the owner has – get this — a cheese collection.

How awesome is that? That’s way better than my collection of silverware I’ve pulled out of wolf rectums. Way better. I’m insanely jealous.

I step back outside, and chat up the locals. One of them has a cool black cloak and hood. Again, I’m jealous. Nondrick would look great in a hood like that.  At least from the back.  I’m starting to hate Border Watch – it’s making me feel inadequate. These NPCs are much cooler than I am.

I approach a house and, since it’s unlocked, let myself inside. It’s totally trashed. Weird.  In a busted crate, a potion of Cure Disease mocks me. The game itself is mocking me, I decide. As I chose to snub the overflowing adventure it constantly attempts to drown me in, it has chosen to make my own personal quest, to cure my own diseases with my alchemical skills, impossible. I’ll never cure my diseases. Not without having to resort to theft. Not without breaking my rules.

I’m beginning to feel like a failure of an NPC. I don’t have a kickass cheese collection and for all my time spent picking ingredients and mixing potions, I’m still crawling with canine parasites. And I don’t even have a pair of shoes or a nice hood. No wonder I never score with the honeys.

I wander around the town for a bit. There are several sheep walking about. Maybe it’s the wolf parasites infesting my system, but I consider killing one of the sheep. Mutton might have some curative properties, after all. No one is around. I’m desperate. I hack at a sheep, which takes considerably longer to fall than the female bandit from earlier.

I kill it, and open it up to see what’s inside.

This sheep, somehow, is completely empty.  Mutton-free. I guess it was full of air.  Goddamn discount sheep.

Despondent, I let myself into another house, which is also weirdly trashed. I spot some shoes on a table and consider taking them. Why not? I’ve raided a garden. I’ve murdered livestock. The game is clearly denying my the few things I want and need, and it’s turning me into a crazed, thieving, half-wolf NPC.

I also spot a Shepherd’s Pie on the table. I pick it up to examine its properties.

Bingo. It’s the ingredient I need to cure myself. And all it will take is an act of theft.

Is it really theft if I leave something as payment, like I did in the garden? Am I being un-NPC-like? Am I failing in my goal in playing as a benign alchemist? Am I betraying my inner-Nondrick by killing air-filled livestock and swapping near-worthless items with unknowing NPCs?

Screw it.  I mix up my Cure Disease potion. One part purchased Elf Cup Cap, one part stolen Shepherd’s Pie. The deed is done. I drop a couple repair hammers as payment and walk outside.

I can cure myself right now. Right now!   But should I?  My one self-driven quest is at an end, but it meant buying one ingredient and stealing another, and then smooshing them together in a cup.  One sip, and I’m cured.

But can I do it?  Should I do it?  Should I belt back this bitter beverage of betrayal? Should I deviously down this dirty drink of disappointment?  Should I peevishly partake of this perverse potion of something starting with p?