I know it's tough for you temps out there. Your head has been hurting. Your knees have been aching. You've had that hacking cough for six years. You seem to be missing one or more of your limbs, and frankly, you're concerned.
The roughest part of temping, other than the bone-wrenching despair and the mocking from your peers, is the lack of medical benefits. Normal people with medical benefits don't get this. Going to the doctor costs them nothing, they have a ten-dollar co-pay for prescriptions, they relax in lush, spacious waiting rooms filled with interesting and up-to-date reading material... they have it easy.
But what about when you get sick? Or hurt? Or let's say you just want to meet a doctor? All of that comes out of your own pocket.
Well, I'm starting a new service on this website, just for temps, listing some common symptoms, diagnoses, and remedies. It's free, you don't have to sit naked on crinkly white paper, and best of all, a doctor won't jab you with one of his instruments (this may be a drawback, actually, if you want to meet a doctor for this very purpose).
So, "step" right "in", the "doctor" will "see" you now!
Symptom: Tiny popping sounds in ears
Diagnosis: Patient has soap bubbles in ears, the result of trying to shower in 14 seconds. This is insufficient time to to fully rinse body of soap or body-care products.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for proper showering.
NOTE: Patient has some toothpaste on chin, too.
Symptom: Gurgling and cramping in stomach
Diagnosis: Patient has not eaten since consuming an un-microwaved Chicken & Cheddar Hotpockets since breakfast at 2pm Sunday afternoon.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for a proper breakfast.
NOTE: Patient should not consider the remaining 1/8th of the Hotpockets and half a can of warm Mr. Pibb a proper breakfast.
Symptom: Feelings of loneliness and depression
Diagnosis: Patient is a social outcast due to slovenly appearance, such as horribly wrinkled pants, skirts, shirts, or blouses.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for proper ironing of clothing.
NOTE: Patient should not attempt to hold shirt or blouse tightly against body and rub fabric really hard and fast with hand, hoping the friction will act as a makeshift iron. This will not work. At all.
Symptom: Burning sensation
Diagnosis: Patient is on fire due to hastily smoked and discarded cigarette. Cigarette exited car window, but flew back in due to high velocity winds caused by driving 800 miles per hour. Cigarette is now trapped between patient's back and driver's seat.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for safe and leisurely nicotine intake.
NOTE: Smoking may actually be bad for patient in other ways, such as when patient tries to remove cigarette from mouth, cigarette filter gets stuck to bottom lip and fingers slide up cigarette and are burned by lit tobacco.
Diagnosis: Patient is sleepy.
Remedy: Patient should hit the snooze button four or five times in the morning to allow time for extra sleep.
NOTE: This symptom is listed simply for a twist ending for this bit. This twist ending may cause feelings of nausea and disgust in reader. Before reading this twist ending, please consult your doctor.
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