return to screencuisine
 

 

 

Girding Your Loins
I cover what temps need in the way of supplies. Turns out they donít need much, but I still manage to stretch this baby out for about five pages. Damn Iím good! As well as supplies, readers are briefed on how to dress, and alerted to the common grooming mistakes of women (over-perfuming) and those of men (nose hair like an African jungle).

Temporary Insanity
Beyond the normal stress of working a desk job, temps have a whole host of other issues to deal with. At least thatís what I tell people so theyíll feel sorry for me and give me cookies. In this section I explain why a tempís memory needs to be much sharper than a regular employeeís, dispense some tips on dealing with job stress, and outline exactly what sexual harassment is so you can get away with it.

The Job That's Right For You
This whopping great section is well worth the price of admission, as it covers, in exquisite, bone-crunching detail, the dark spectrum of jobs that both beginning and experienced temps will have to endure.  Thereís even a section that covers temporary assignments Iíve had that didnít involve desks of any kind, but, in at least one case, required a hairnet.

Other Temps
Most offices employ several, if not dozens of temps, and youíll have plenty in common with your temping brethren. Youíll soon have plenty to fight about as well.  In this section I describe how relationships between temps can quickly go from good to badÖ to ugly. I also pay homage to the dearly departed; temps that have become permanent employees, have gone back to school, or that Iíve lost touch with due to restraining orders. Snobs.

The Flip Side
In this "section", I look at temping from the point of view of the hiring company, of which I know nothing. While it provides no actual information, it does contain very few spelling errors.

Don't I Hate You From Somewhere?
Have I met hundreds of people as a temp, or have I just met the same twelve people hundreds of times?  I'll be the judge of that, as well as the jury, executioner, bailiff, court reporter, and the guy who shouts when the judge comes in (or is that the bailiff?), as I stereotype and categorize everyone Iíve ever come across, from The Boss; pock-marked for that extra-evil look, to The Secretary, who's into Fabio and tarot cards, and that guy who always asks "What did you bring me?" when you walk into the office with your lunch.  God, I hate that prick.

Two If By Bus
Before you can get to work to deal with that cubicle partner with the eyebrow dandruff, you've got to brave The Commute.  Be it busses, trains, or carpool lanes, it's a twice-a-day trip to the dark side, and you're fresh out of transfers.

Not Your Desk
Are mushrooms welcome in your garden? Which slugs are good for your soil? How can you attract those beautiful butterflies? Damned if I know: this is a temping website. In this section, I cover the subject of the desks themselves, and just how disgusting it can be to sit at someone elseís. Youíll have to contend with lipstick stained mugs, bacteria-laden keyboards, crumb-covered mouse pads and sticky phone receivers, not to mention a high concentration of body hair. Not for the faint of stomach.

Turn Your Head And Temp
Sick?  Injured?  Ugly?  Well, this medical guide can help you with two out of three.  Read it before throwing your hard earned dollars into a doctor's retirement fund.