The
Replacements
Starring Keanu Reeves, Gene Hackman, Brooke Langton, Jack Warden, John Favreau
Directed by Howard Deutch
Rated PG-13
Short Summary: Can Gene Hackman lead his ragtag team of misfit football players to victory?
Extended Summary: Of course he can. But the real question is, what does this have to do with temping?
Well, as the title suggests, the story revolves around a team of replacement football players, brought in to fill the gap left by professional players who are on strike (based on the actual pro football strike of 1987). The replacements are just playing temporarily. Sure, it's a weak connection to temping, but hey, I'm desperate here.
Anyway, let's meet The Replacements!
There's a guy who can run really fast but has no other discernable athletic talent (like Wesley Snipes in Major League), a convicted felon (like Charlie Sheen in Major League), a religious fanatic (like Dennis Haysbert in Major League), and a rough 'n ready coach who follows his hunches instead of his playbook (like James Gammon in Major League). There's also the kicker who is really a soccer player (like Kathy Ireland in Necessary Roughness) and the really big guy (like the really big guy in Necessary Roughness).
And of course, the burned out, washed up, but highly talented former player who will teach them to set their differences aside and play like a team (like Tom Berringer in Major league. And Scott Bakula in Necessary Roughness.)
(And Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own).
The Replacements begins with Keanu Reeves underwater, scraping barnacles off the hull of a boat, which is his job. He spies a metal football on the bottom of the bay, which is where one normally finds metal footballs, and he pretends to play football underwater. We realize there may be more to this barnacle-scraper than just scraping barnacles.
Meanwhile, Jack Warden is the owner of the Washington Sentinels, a made up team, who decides to bring in replacement players when the pros go on strike. He hires his pal Gene Hackman, who is a former coach. Hackman, just like all former coaches who butted heads with the system, is capable of spotting talent no one else can see. We suspect he is also good at giving inspirational speeches. He's been keeping his eye on some potential pros that no longer play the game, and thinks they might be just what Warden and the Sentinels need. We don't know quite how he's been keeping an eye on them, maybe with some surveillance equipment left over from The Conversation.
He goes to visit Reeves, whose name in the movie turns out to be Shane Falco, if you can imagine that, but Reeves, naturally, is reluctant to play again, due to the fact that he got the crap kicked out of him in the Sugar Bowl a few years back, and found himself, later, as part of this ridiculously long sentence. Hackman offers him a choice: he can play football and chase his dreams, or take the red pill, and wake up not remembering anything. Reeves decides to become a lawyer and work for Satan. Er... I may be getting my movies mixed up.
The scabs, including Reeves, arrive at the stadium to begin practice and are met by the professional players, who spend all their time on strike hanging out in the stadium parking lot. They harass the replacements by throwing eggs at them, and tip Reeves's truck over. Then they laugh in an evil way, and we hate them.
Once practice begins, we see that Hackman has his work cut out for him. The replacement players just aren't very good! One of them, the fast runner who may or may not be a Wayans brother, runs into something and falls down ("That's gonna leave a mark," Reeves observes). Another problem arises: the players don't like each other, and tempers begin to flare immediately, because the screenwriters need to set up some animosity that can be resolved during the movie, preferably during a dance number.
The kicker for the team is a soccer player, which naturally means he can kick the ball 800 times further than professional NFL players. Also, being Welsh, he talks in an amusing fashion, doesn't comb his hair, and waggles his penis in front of people, and they love it. He also smokes and drinks on the field, which is funny, because professional football players don't do that!!
The cheerleaders for the Sentinels are also on strike, apparently, and cheerleader tryouts take place on the football field while the replacement players are practicing. We are treated to a montage of women auditioning, only (get this) they all stink! None of them could ever be cheerleaders! There is a dorky girl who does a dorky cheer, and of course a woman who is slightly over ninety pounds and therefore grossly overweight and disgusting (ha ha!!). This simply will not do. Finally, some scantily dressed women from a strip club get the job. They are stupid but show off a lot of cleavage, and we know without a doubt the director will cut away to them quite often during the game. Which is pretty much okay with me.
The head cheerleader (Brooke Langton), spots Reeves on the field after he gets tackled by John Favreau, a replacement player who is really a SWAT team member and who loves violent encounters so much that he even tackles his own teammates! Ouch! Seeing Reeves lying on the ground like a total puss, Langton naturally becomes intrigued. She waves to him and they share a lingering gaze, which is our signal that they'll be ramming their tongues into each other mouths before the credits roll. Langton is a cute, spunky gal, and we see quickly that she's not like other women because she drives her jeep like a complete lunatic while being nonchalant about it, and, as she states right off the bat, she doesn't date football players. This is our signal that she will resist momentarily before the tongue ramming.
Gene Hackman explains to us that there are only four games left in the season, and the Sentinels need to win at least three of them to make it into the playoffs. The pressure is on, but will our boys deliver?
On the day of the first game, the professional players, still hanging around with nothing else to do, tie a string across the tunnel leading into the stadium, so when John Favreau runs out, he trips. Those evil pros!
The first game does not go well for the scabs, and there is a great deal of
vomiting in the huddle, which is funny, because you don't see vomiting in
football games (except in Any Given Sunday, Oliver Stone's lame-ass attempt
at a football movie). Still, the replacements show promise, although Reeves is such a
puss about getting hit that he screws up the game and they lose.
Commentary for the games is provided by the immensely annoying team of John Madden, who offers idiotic comments at inopportune moments, and the doddering Pat Sommerall, who seems to have no idea what is going on. So, that part, at least, is highly realistic. The real problem is that instead of simply hearing these two morons, the camera actually cuts to them, so we have to look at them for a large part of the movie, which is perhaps the cause of all the vomiting in the huddle.
While hanging out in bar together, the scabs are antagonized by the pros, and a huge brawl breaks out, like in Necessary Roughness. The replacements are thrown in jail, where they finally start to get along. After all, they were in a fist-fight together, so that means they worked as a team for the first time. Or something. The holding cell, unluckily for the audience, is large enough to perform a dance number in, which the players do, which is funny, because the big are men dancing, and that is funny.
Once out of jail, they start playing better, and win a few games, although mostly by luck, since Reeves is still a major puss on the field. But, with only one game to go, the quarterback of the Sentinels crosses the picket line, and Keanu is once more nothing but a ugly, barnacle-scraping loser. Well, not ugly, I guess. But barnacle-scraping, definitely.
How will it end? Will the professional quarterback be able to lead the team of misfits as well as Reeves did? Will he be able to get them into the playoffs? Will Reeves ram his tongue in anyone's mouth? Well, I won't spoil it for you. You'll have to go see the movie and have it spoiled for yourself.
There is a formula to sports-comedies, that of the worst-to-first storyline, and this movie follows it play by play, with one exception: this pack of losers doesn't really lose. The season is almost over when the movie starts; the scabs need to win three out of four games to make it to the playoffs. So, while they have to suck to be funny, they can't suck too bad or the movie is over. It's hard to root for (or laugh at) the underdog, when the underdog is winning all the time.
There are a lot of other things to laugh at in this movie, however. There's the overweight sumo-wrestler turned football player, and he's really overweight! It's funny! He sits there, like all overweight people, stuffing his face with food, and we can all laugh at that. If you ever see overweight people in real life, they are always cramming food in their faces, and you can laugh at them.
There's also the ultra-violent Favreau, who has no control over his rage. He's psychotic, and that's funny! Maybe someday he will totally lose it and hurt a loved one! Tee hee! He is also always bleeding from between his eyebrows for some reason. This is never explained, but I suppose it might be funny.
Also, as previously mentioned, there is vomiting and dancing. And close-ups of John Madden. What more could you ask for?
Thoughts: This movie isn't incredibly terrible, really. It does have its moments, but never really succeeds at having heart, like Major League, or even an interesting twist, like Necessary Roughness (where the college team's goal is to win just a single game the entire season). It is, however, a better football movie than Any Given Sunday was, if only for the fact that the value of the kicker is acknowledged. Even casual football fans know that most close games are decided by the kicker, and I defy you to find even one instance of someone kicking a football anywhere in Any Given Sunday. But, this is not a review of Any Given Sunday, it's a review of Major League. Er... I'm confused again.
On the plus side, The Replacements does not feature Al Pacino screaming, and on the extreme plus side, despite all the dancing, it does not feature even a single Sinbad.
From a temping standpoint, it's a little hard to relate to. I'm generally not called in to perform the job of a hero or celebrity, or work in front of 55,000 screaming spectators. Considering all the time I spend at work in the morning digging crust out of the corner of my eye, this is probably a good thing.
Scoring: Three cans of tough-actin' Tinactin out of ten.