Nondrick's Non-adventure

Day 18: Close Calls and Waterfalls

I awake, feeling stronger, smarter, and even more charismatic than ever.It’s my first day as a Level Three Administrative Alchemist!Time to facilitate the strategic acquisition of salable assets!

As if in recognition of my sudden gain in power, the world outside the gate of Chorrol greets me with a mouthful of wolf teeth.I don’t know what the deal is with the wolves in Cyrodiil. They don’t seem hungry, just angry. They’ll run right past a soft, tasty deer to bite into a legion soldier dressed in spiked plate armor, or, in this case, a botanist dressed in hair.

But hey, I’m not sweating it. I’m level three. I use my newly enhanced intelligence to determine the wolf’s every move (it has one move:  to bite me) and every weak point (its weak point is its body) and my increased personality skills to sprinkle the battle with witty comments (such as Yahhh! and Whulhuh!), and in a moment, thanks to my newly increased strength, the wolf is dead.Yeah.I’m pretty much a badass.

‘Then it’s back to my main chore, pickin’ flowers, which is not so badass.Still, there’s some good pickin’ in these thar woods. I figure I’ll make a big loop, heading north, then west, then south,and end up by the gate on the other side of the city at the end of the day.

Other than a rat attack, nothing really happens for a while, other than the always exciting and volatile act of pulling plants out of the ground and stuffing them into my, well, whatever it is I carry all my stuff around in.Then I come upon this scene:

Look, I’m not the adventurous type, really, I’m not, but it’s a door under a waterfall.It’s a freakin’ door under a waterfall.I’m pretty sure anyone, anywhere, upon discovering a door under a waterfall is obligated by natural law to have a peek inside it.

I have a peek.It’s a bandit hideout.Time to exit, cave left. I know I was just crowing about being leveling up my strength, but I leveled up my cowardice as well.

I step back outside and am suddenly set on fire.Ouch.

An imp is flapping toward me, flinging fireballs every few seconds.I somehow hadn’t noticed that the soothing music that always plays in my head had turned dark and ominous, a sure sign I’m in danger.I dodge the next blast but am hit again.Fur armor and fireballs probably don’t mix very well.

I keep a large tree between us, periodically popping out to hurl arrows at it.Eventually, it tires of the ranged combat andcloses the distance, at which point I hack it out of the air.

Hey, I had a pretty nice shot there. Right in the imp noggin.

To celebrate, I strike a heroic pose on top of the waterfall, just in case someone is taking pictures.Luckily, someone is.

At the foot of the waterfall I find one of Oblivion’s little treats:a forgotten treasure chest.It’s always fun stumbling across something like this.I kind of wish every time you did, an e-mail got sent to the person at Bethesda who stashed it here, just so they know you found it.

This chest has 8 gold pieces and a crystal ball worth 5 bucks.When you’re playing Oblivion, really playing, I mean, this sort of treasure is a huge letdown.When you’re playing as a humble root merchant, as I am, this is awesome.It’s free money and a trinket to hold onto until I have a mantle to place it on.I’m happy as an imp slathered in gall.

After I wade out of the water, probably smelling like wet, burned hair, a wolf greets me, a wolf with a very nice pelt and a little hidden treasure of its own: two gold pieces.

Hm. Maybe he was saving up for a place of his own, too.

A little further north I come across Nonwyll Cavern, and, hoping to find some mushrooms I carefully venture inside.Crabwalking, my sneak skill goes up about 700 times in the space of four seconds.Something is in the cave.Something very, very close by.I scuttle back out.

Once outside, I am immediately struck by lightning. Ouch.

Not from the sky, from some angry god, but from another leathery winged imp.He blasts me again, and again, as I desperately switch to my bow to try to take him down.I miss a few times and he flaps over to melee range.I switch to my sword and shield but as I swing to hit him he gets me with another shot.

An alarming message appears, one I haven’t seen yet. Looks like, 18 days after starting it, I’ve finally finished the tutorial.

That ain’t good.No reloads with our boy Nondrick here.It’s kill or die.

Cleverly, I choose kill.But still, a close call, the closest I’ve had.These beasts are getting stronger. I’ve really got to start being more careful, and I’ve got to put some thought into becoming a better, stronger fighter.My chosen trade takes me into danger often enough that I’ve got to be prepared to deal with it.

I use my Mara’s Gift spell to heal all my wounds. I was down to about 1/4th my health.

A few minutes later I kill a rat that owns a knife.Man, soon I’ll have an entire flatware set from items I’ve found inside parasite-ridden animals.And won’t my dinner guests be pleased to hear where I found the utensils they’re eating with?

Nightfall.I’m on my way back to Chorrol.I’m attacked by a female bandit, and then another.The first is a pleasant looking Redguard woman, the second, a female Khajiit. I suppose she’s pleasant looking.I’m not really into cats. In that way.

Both fights go about the same. I backpedal while flinging fireballs at them, they lunge with axe or warhammer, I take a few lumps, they eventually fall before my blade.One the one hand, it’s nice to see a lot of ladies in the bandit trade, a traditionally male-driven occupation. Girl power!

On the other hand, neither of the lovely ladies seem to have been very good at being bandits. Apart from their armor and weapons, they’ve got diddly to show for their efforts. The wolf I killed earlier had more gold than they did.

I head into the city, a bit troubled. In my first couple weeks of being an alchemist I’ve had to kill three or four women. It just seems wrong. Here I am trying to live a mild-mannered life and I’m droppin’ bitches like Nico Bellic.

GTA: Grand Theft Alchemy.

Comments

  1. FIRST!

    Awesome post man. Thanks to this blog, I’m playing Oblivion now too. Already up to the Mythic Dawn cave quest!

  2. Lack_26 says:

    Awesome, also, it’s nice to hear that you have a couple more posts lined up.

  3. TheJBUrger says:

    Nice point about the waterfall cave.

    I’m currently playing Oblivion for the first time (I think I’m about 50 hours in), and after the first few caves/dungeons/ruins, I told myself I would never enter another one and concentrate solely on the main quest. But lo and behold I found that freaking door under the waterfall and I had to go inside it, so I did. I don’t know if it was the same cave, though. I found it somewhere on the western edge of Cyrodil. I think it was somewhere near Chorrol, but I can’t remember.

  4. Vintus says:

    lmfao @ the last paragraph.

    I could read these all day.

  5. Great post! This one is the best yet! I’m really enjoying the added descriptions that make for interesting stories versus posts that are more like journal entries. Please update more frequently!

  6. Zacmanman says:

    I am truly impressed more and more by your blog. I’ve played nearly 200 hours of oblivion and I’ve always laughed at the ridiculous things you run into (Wolves with money, pigs with forks and Glathir, who has about 1000 gold to give you). I’ve enjoyed this blog very much and I hope to keep reading it. I’m a long time fan of Not My Desk, Concerened and (hopefully one day at least) 1fort. Praise be with you.

  7. Calaros says:

    w00t!

    I have to say though, in your particular game the local wildlife seems to have an alarming propensity toward household items O.o Or perhaps there’s a griefer going around who enjoys shoving his possessions up critter’s arses.

  8. nice post. I really hope that nondrick never dies. NEVER.

    And of he does die…….

    How about making another thing like this….

    BUT IT’S SOMEONE LIVING IN THE SHIVERING ISLES!

  9. chrome_ada says:

    Dude, this is incredibly entertaining. I spent most of my second half of work reading through all your posts. Hilarious!!

    Hey, you should make/use a mod that allows time to continue to pass even while making potions.

  10. haha, ”a rat that had a knife. man, soon i iwll have my own cutlery!”

    or

    ”i thing my guests will not be glad to hear about where i got those stuff they eat with”

    lol! very funny. nice job man… do more

  11. Rriku113 says:

    This is seriously awesome. I’m thinkin of trying this on my game, but after a while, it sounds like it would get boring for me. Also, it’s gonna be harder because I have the 360 version… no mods =( Anyways keep up the good work!

  12. another brilliant entry, keep it up!

  13. austinpwnz says:

    Awesome!

    You have a really great entertaining writing style. Glad to see the update. I too enjoy the witty comments concerning creatures and cutlery, and nice find on the waterfall cave. I’m going to have to find that someday.

  14. Nice to see you’re updating more frequently again.

    I hope that, at one point, you have a schedule you can go by.

    Updating monday and friday, or something.

  15. Jaded Empath says:

    Dude, I’m so relieved you didn’t give up on this! ^_^

    I do have this to say; you’re not having very good experiences upon *LEAVING* ‘adventure locations’ – caves, etc. Every time you’ve done so, you get attacked; is this perhaps the game/the universe telling you to NOT GO IN THERE in the first place? ;)

    Glad to see Nondrick has persevered, and hope he has a long, fruitful and happy life ahead of him!

    P.S. “Grand Theft Alchemy” Fan-dirtyword-tastic! :D

  16. Razzle Frazzle says:

    “One the one hand, its nice to see a lot of ladies in the bandit trade, a traditionally male-driven occupation.”
    Ummmmmm………….

    One the one hand???!!!

    On the other hand!!!
    thats better

  17. Acehalo-2 says:

    Hey Chris, three things.

    1. Loving the non-adventures, please keep it going and good job!

    2. Are you going to do something like Nondrick in Fallout 3?
    (assuming you get it)

    3. Are you ever going to update notmydesk.com?

  18. Jimmy! says:

    Love these posts. I’ve got two characters doing this same stuff right now. I was surprised at how much fun it is.

    By the way, poison on your arrows (or sword) works wonders for hunting and in self-defense. =)

  19. I just stumbled upon this after Yahtzee mentioned you were updating again. Wildly entertaining, keep it up Chris!

  20. I enjoy these, but I wonder… how does a non-adventure end? Death and tears? Wasting entropy? With Oblivion you could dick around indefinitely. Well, sort of. I guess eventually your level will scale up to daedra attacks while on his epic flower picking. Ah. Answered my own question I guess. Death, with a dash of entropy.

  21. This is a hilarious blog. I have played Oblivion for a bit now, but your writing style and the concept of an NOC non-adventure make it so funny and fresh that I hope Nondrick lives for many many more days. Taking the torch from Concerned, this makes my day whenever I see an update. Keep up the awesome work

  22. The catchphrase “Whulhuh!” is so inspirational and catchy I’m making into a T-shirt. I’ll wear it with no small amount of pride, maybe even in public. If anyone chides me for wearing it, I’ll wail on them while screaming a similar phrase equally as terrifying and equally as worthy as adorning my next T-shirt. It’s a vicious cycle. Stay tuned for my next shirt featuring “Huraaarg!” on the front and maybe “Mmwazzah!” on the back. $5.

  23. great posts man keep them commin more often

  24. This blog is pretty funny, and it does sound quite an interesting experience, strangely. Though it would be better if Oblivion gave the player more abilities to avoid combat in it’s morally black and white world.

    However, a couple of things don’t make sense in this entry. In your seventh paragraph you use the word “exeunt”, this means “they go out”. You probably mean “exit” meaning “he/she goes out”. I believe in a previous entry you remark that you dislike people who refer to themselves in the third person, yet this is just such an act.

    Also, in your twenty-fifth paragraph you say somethign along the lines of “I shall soon have a complete set of cutlery composed of flatware.” Which is clearly nonsense.

  25. livinginoblivion says:

    Thanks for the editing. I changed “exeunt” to “Time to exit, cave left.” And I fixed the second sentence.

  26. Every post has a sentence that has me rolling up! This time it was:

    “I know I was just crowing about being leveling up my strength, but I leveled up my cowardice as well.”

    So f’ing funny!!!! Man you are g o o d !!!!

    You definitely have a skill, and I hope you go far! :)

  27. “Man, soon Ill have an entire flatware set from items Ive found inside parasite-ridden animals.” – I laughed so hard, because its true in my games too (Once, on three mudcrabs, I got 3 crabmeats, a spoon, a fork, and a knife! xD).

  28. Alexander says:

    So I suppose this will go on until you are either bored of it or what is more likely to come first when you die.

    So I herd you liek mudcrabz?

  29. Why does no one know how to spell “Niko”? Your lack of faith disturbs me.

  30. omikron says:

    “its weak point is its body”

    ROFL – that’s so hilarious. Your storytelling is very funny already, but that one was hilarious.

  31. Hey! Maybe the animals have a…. err, uh, “crabby” attitude, because they’ve just escaped from someone trying to cook them alive or eat them alive, and that would perhaps explain the utensils found among them?! If one day you find a Mud Crab holding a bottle of Beer as a hostage while slowly backing away from you, perhaps that will confirm that theory?! Anyway, funny, typos aside. I’ve been wanting to write about Nirn adventures too, for some time, like yours an others. But I always seem to have to cross them over with other worlds.

  32. mickeyg says:

    i love this so much, i think ill do it in fallout 3

  33. I use my newly enhanced intelligence to determine the wolfs every move (it has one move to bite me) and every weak point (its weak point is its body) and my increased personality skills to sprinkle the battle with witty comments (such as Yahhh! and Whulhuh!), and in a moment, thanks to my newly increased strength, the wolf is dead. Yeah. Im pretty much a badass.

    E.P.I.C.

  34. Words cannot express the hilarity of this blogger.