Nondrick's Non-adventure

Day 27: Trouble by the Boatload

I’m interrogated the moment I step out of my bedroom on the Bloated Float, by a large Nord named Lynch, who cleverly determines that I don’t look like a professional outlaw.

I tell him I’m just a passenger, hoping he’ll leave me alone or not feel threatened. My other choice was to tell him to mind his own business, which I somehow think wouldn’t defuse the situation.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t accept this answer. Two things, only two, come to mind: I could tell him I’m with the City Watch, or tell him I’m in his gang. Unfortunately, there’s no option to explain that I’m a humble radish-picker who took a nap in the wrong floating hotel.

I tell him I’m in his gang, despite the fact that he’s already surmised I am not. This does not feel right to me. I should be able to beg for my life or offer him some money or something in exchange for not killing me, right? Apparently, the game has not caught on that I am a cowardly silverware collector. Hasn’t it been paying attention?

He says something menacing that I forget to take a screenshot of, and then draws a gleaming sword that looks like it’s about twice my height. Ah, fuck.

I’m not even wearing armor. Sure, I could pause the game by bringing up my inventory screen and put on every piece of armor I’ve got, but I’m trying to roleplay here. I’m trying to roleplay a very stupid peasant in a very dangerous situation. There’s nowhere to run. There’s nowhere to hide. A short sword and some humble merchants clothing are all that stand between me and the hereafter. Between me and the end of this blog.

We square off. I hold up my blade defensively, waiting for him to make the first move. Cripes, lookit that thing he’s holding. If he misses he could sink the ship.

He takes a swing, I block, and then fling a fireball at him. I miss, despite being about an inch away. Stupid third-person perspective. I fling another and hit, and he lights up like a Christmas tree that’s had a fireball flung at it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to do much damage. Gonna have to use my blade to win this one, I think.

Our weapons clang off one another in the narrow hallway as we hack at each other. He’s thrown off balance when I block one of his blows, and that’s when I strike, then get back into defensive posture again, always keeping my guard up. I throw in a fireball or two, which hit but again don’t do much damage. He lands a couple blows and my health drops to about half.

I back up and throw some more flares his way. My kingdom for a Backburner! Still, I think I have him on the ropes. One more good slash with my substandard blade and he flops dead against the door.

Lynch doesn’t have much on him. A measly 4 gold, the key, and a set of leather armor. He’s also carrying a note.

Guess Lynch doesn’t read so well. I put on his armor and take his silver longsword. I have to admit, I look kinda badass.

At least until I put on my stupid fur helmet. Kinda ruins the look, but I need all the protection I can get. I heal myself a few times, then free the bouncer, an orc, who’s been locked in a closet. He tells me he can steer the hotel back to land, but he won’t go up to the deck until it’s safe. Looks like I’m not out of this yet.

I eat some food I find in the storage room, heal myself back to full health, and creep upstairs.

At the top of the steps I spy another brigand. I think about attacking her before she sees me, but I’m just not that kinda guy. Maybe I can talk my way out of the rest of this quest.

I tell her I’m in the gang, and that Lynch sent me up to help her. I guess I’m as poor a reader as Lynch was — his note specifically stated not to bother her, and she knows I’m lying. Oops.

This time, I’m much better prepared. I’ve got armor, a shield, a dead animal protecting my head, and a sword that does three times the damage my old one did. She’s a pushover. She also doesn’t have much loot on her, except 5 gold, her armor, a steel sword, and a key to the top deck.

I definitely can’t swim home from here.

I head aft, and wind up directly behind a hulking Nord henchman named Wrath. He doesn’t see me. I decide to poison my sword this time, to hopefully avoid any extended combat. The only potion I can mix up is a Burden (which could potentially root him in place), so I soak my blade in it, then talk to him.

I feed him some lines about how I’m in the gang, which doesn’t work for the 3rd time in a row. Jeez! Why are these outlaws so suspicious of a complete stranger in their midst?

We fight. He dies. Man, I’m lovin’ this new sword. I’m keepin‘ this new sword. I take his armor and steel sword and the handful of change he’s got in his pocket. And yet another key, this one to the cabin of the hotel owner.

The wussy orc bouncer tells me he won’t turn the ship around until he knows his boss is safe, so I’m going to have to rescue him from his cabin. I heal myself again, then prepare my ace-in-the-hole: my frost damage spell. It does 50 points of damage, but I have to be close enough to touch someone to use it, and I can only use it once per day. Still, it’s gotta be better than my wimpy flare, which doesn’t seem to hurt anyone but mudcrabs.

I enter the cabin. There I’m faced by a very attractive woman, Selene, the apparent leader of this gang. Behind her is the proprietor of the hotel.

I tell her I’m the ship’s cook. She doesn’t believe me. I’m getting a little TIRED of these distrustful BRIGANDS.

She’s fast, and cuts into me with her sword, which is apparently magic as it starts draining my fatigue. Not good. The lower my fatigue, the less damage my attacks will do. I run right up to her and cast my frost spell right on her, well, bosoms, let’s say. Immediately her health drops to almost nothing. Score! Thank you, Nordic heritage! I block her next attack with my shield and make a big swing with my sword while she’s off balance. Whammo. She’s down for the count. Whew.

Ormil, the guy who’s hotel she stole and who she was holding captive, the guy I just saved from certain death, turns and walk right past me, leaving the cabin without a word of thanks or even a look in my direction.

Fine. Nice gratitude, asshole. I look around his cabin, and see a table with some food on it. I decide to take some, just for his rudeness. I’m totally stealing your carrots, jerk. And I DO. I STEAL HIS CARROTS. I take an apple, too. Let no one tell you Nondrick doesn’t have a dark side.

I strip the dead brigand of her belongings, another set of armor, and her magic sword, the Blackwater Blade, which absorbs fatigue. That’s pretty cool, a magic sword, but honestly, my new silver sword does more damage, and I think I’m gonna stick with it. If I get a magic sword, I gotta recharge it when it runs out of juice, which means paying mages for their magic, and then they always try to get you to buy the extended warranty, and it’s just a big hassle.

With all the junk I’ve picked up, I’m over-encumbered and can’t move. I drop some of my old fur armor on the floor until I’m light enough to walk, then head back into the bar.

There, Ormil finally shows me some gratitude for saving both his life and his stupid hotelboat. He explains that to boost his floating hotel business, he made up a story about some treasure he had on board, and that’s what the four brigands were after, and what they died for. Good job!

We get back to the city, and Ormil gives me a reward: 75 gold. Wow, thanks. He then rifles through my pockets without my consent, removing all the keys I’d collected. Don’t worry, I won’t be back. And I’m not returning your produce. And, with that, I’ve completed my first, and hopefully last, genuine quest.

I do, however, have a personal quest to attend to. This adventure on the boat, while unwanted and unwelcome and, frankly, very un-Nondrick, has at least made up my mind about something.

I went to the Bloated Float because it was late and I needed a place to sleep. And I did that because I didn’t have a place of my own to sleep. I didn’t have a safe haven. I didn’t have a home. I’m rectifying that right now.

I walk to the Office of Imperial Commerce and buy that shithole in the Waterfront District for 2,000 gold.

There. Done. Did it. Done did it. I’ve got Nondrick a home.

Now I can end the blog.

Just kidding.

My new home, um. It ain’t much. Just a bed, a fireplace, and a table. Not even a friggin’ chair.

Still, four walls, a roof, and it’s mine. Besides, I can cozy it up a bit, right? I start going through my pockets and putting my carefully collected items around the room.

On my bedpost, I put my hourglass. You know, so I don’t oversleep. I also put out my crystal ball, so every morning I can see what kind of day I’ve got planned. And, I put the folded cloth I stole from the hotel in Anvil, my first hotel, down at the foot of the bed. I also put a pot on the floor. Fer, y’know.

On my table, I (awkwardly) lay out the silverware I’ve found inside dead, filthy animals. A couple forks, a knife, and a spoon. I also put out the stone pitcher and mug, and a couple pots. Guess I’ll have to buy a plate at some point, or maybe find one inside a dead rat.

Well, it certainly ain’t much, but it’s home. And hey, there’s my very own bed. I think I’ll give it a test drive.


  1. I don’t think i’ve ever been so relieved. My heart was in my throat the whole time Nondrick fought his way off the ship. Hooray! He’s alive!

  2. thaineale says:

    phew, glad to see you got outta that one alright.
    i love this blog so dont stop!

  3. KobiBlight says:

    Yay! I’m glad he survived the encounter with those nasty brigands, and turned around and bought his first house! Keep it goin’ strong.

  4. Mr. Munchlax says:

    When I did that quest the bandits had way better swords. Lynch had an Elven Longsword, and Minx and Wrath had Draven Longswords. But I guess that’s because I’m at a higher level then Nondrick. What level is Nondrick right now? Is he still 1?

  5. Mr. Munchlax says:

    Just looked back a few pages. Level 4.

  6. austinpwnz says:

    Excellent and funny and enjoyable as usual. Thank you so much.

    That first fight worried me, unarmored Nondrick going up against that bandit dude. Glad to see he made some moolah and improved his weaponry in the course of the ‘accidental’ quest.

    I assume your ability to sell the Backwater Blade was a factor in the decision to buy the house. Personally, considering that you don’t fast travel at all, I think it’s kind of in a bad place, but then again it’s by far the cheapest. Best of luck to Nondrick!

  7. PHEW.
    I’m astounded Nondrick survived that.
    Interesting how his hacking bandits to death seems much more heroic than it felt when I did it myself, because I was an ADVENTURER!, whereas Nondrick is just a harmless alchemist who got on the wrong boat.

  8. Killa-Ewok says:

    Now THAT’S some great ass-kicking.

  9. Way to go Nondrick! Though I’m suprised you had to use violence all the way through the quest. My first avatar in Oblivion, Mavis the Mousehunter, had only basic chat skills and no rep to speak of but was able to convince the last couple of guys to give up without a fight. Mentioning how the previous bandits had come to an unhappy end seemed to convince the rest to surrender to justice.

  10. I only killed the first two gang members. Stole the key from the third and talked my way out of the second fight. The ork didn’t seem to mind about the brigand still guarding the wheel after I captured the leader.

  11. Hey, Nonny Nonny, sire! way to go. I had been dreading the advent of this post, thinking I would be needing to find myself some other diversion. But, hey Nonny! He did it!

  12. Nice TF3 homage :P even though the backburner is overpowered as hell.

  13. jackrabbit says:

    Good on you sir! I assume you survived because of the wonderful oblivion leveling system that keeps people the same level as you. thank god for that although Nondrick is more than capable it seems.

  14. *TF2

  15. Another great post! I’m relieved to see that Nondrick (and the blog) lives on, though I was only in semi-suspense since today’s 1Fort blog entry did state that you’d try and post another one later in the week. Hmm, come to think of it, that could have meant wrapping up and eulogizing… egads! Good thing I are not too smart.

  16. I finished Oblivion and I was only level 8. I did it mostly by creating a touch spell that chewed up about 66% of my mana and did huge amounts of damage.

    You’ve given Nondrick a nice “Push in case of emergency” spell. But he might want to look into making his own. After all, what happens if the next guy is wearing a frost resistant fur coat?

  17. You are funny as hell. Do not stop this XD

  18. @ ErikZ:

    For Nodrick to make his own spell, he’d have to do the mages guild. And Nodrick doesn’t want to do quests. Unless he downloaded a mod to add spell makers to his house, I don’t think he would.

  19. nancymarie says:

    First off, let me pay my debt:


    @ ErikZ – Secondly, the frost “spell” is a Nord special ability.

  20. Keep up the great work. I’m sorry for your sake that you can’t re-sell houses, though.

  21. Anyone else read this entry with there jaw open?

  22. “Now I can end the blog.”


  23. Waffles says:

    Thank Stendarr he’s alive. :)

  24. Artemis says:

    Hehe the first fight was the tough one, once he got the armor and sword I think it was in the bag.

  25. Soliloquy says:


    My hero…

  26. Lemmingman says:

    ” I have to admit, I look kinda badass.” looks like someones building up thier self esteem . Good for you

  27. knimoax says:

    Home sweet home. Good to see you are updating weekly again and not monthly. :)

  28. bubbajoe says:

    Holy hell… who knew Nondrick was such a bad ass? That little bald bastard just brings a tear to me eye!

  29. No. Your site sucks compared to this site. This site is fantastic. Your site is not. In fact, no site is good when compared to this site, just like no site is bad compared to your site.

  30. Freaking. Yes. First time commenting here, and for good reason! I was worried that poor Nonny was done…. but no! The mighty (okay, maybe just able-to-wield-a-sword) Nondrick lives on!

  31. Sir Shmoopy says:

    Awesome!!! His first quest!!! You know, now that I think about it, I don’t really do anything in Oblivion but quests. What is it like to not really do quests? Is it boring? I think it’s probably boring. Unless it’s not. I just can’t get myself to be a normal citizen when there’s so much stuff lying around with nobody in sight. If they counted stolen items as your rank as a thief, I would be better than that master thief guy from the thief’s guild. What’s his name again? Anyways, this blog is amazing and awesome. And I use a longsword just like Nordrick’s!! Now he just needs to get a more badass-looking shield, like a black buckler or something cool.

  32. Dingleberry says:

    Did Chris not know about this quest or was this a veiled attempt to end this blog? Either way, I’m glad Nondrick survived. This blog motivated me to play oblivion again and I am using the MOE main quest delayer and primary needs mods that Chris is using. I’ve noticed with the main quest delayer that starting health is double what it would be with the same character in a normal game. I thought it was too high so I used the console to lower it. I wonder if this is why Nondrick is so difficult to kill off?He seems to kick ass with crappy equipment and never comes close to death. Anyway, great blog!

  33. All that speculation about Chris “trying to end the blog” strikes me as rather absurd. After all the build-up about entering the Imperial City (and how, “with all its distractions, it’s going to be hard to leave”), he’d hardly decide to finish after just one day there. That wouldn’t make sense.

  34. kaburorne says:

    Finally. you can get back to normal life now.
    No offence, but quests don’t suit Nondrick. He’s too generic and NPC-ish :)
    Good luck with getting your life back on track. I hope Nondrick can recover from the trauma he’s been put through by that stupid boat.

  35. This is such a kickass blog.

  36. I want to see how funny it will be when the dark brotherhood guy appears when you wake up.

  37. wait i don’t think the dark brother hood will want him because, the bandits weren’t innocent the dark brother hood doesn’t invite people unless the kill an innocent person

  38. Brad Jensen says:

    If I am not mistaken, “murder” on quests or in self defense does not count toward the dark brotherhood.

  39. Great to see Nonny make it through.

    There are some Dark Brotherhood target bugs. Such as the Gweden Farm quest.

  40. Killa-Ewok says:

    Yes, quite, as Simon said, and there’s the text that says “Your killing…” blah blah blah, and when you sleep, that mysteriously sexy Lachance is there. SHITHIS.

  41. Yeah, i was playing like Chris is, got wound up in the gang, had to kill them, killing the imperial will get you a one on one chat with the black-clad assassin. I just used /kill (Seemed to be O.K to do it in that situation).

    Sithis = Is Shit?

  42. God I love reading your stuff. This is the main reason I’m addicted to Oblivion again. Anyways, I just wanted to ask a quick question. Is Nondrick going to improve is alchemy with the help of trainers or just simply all by himself?

  43. I won’t say I didn’t sigh in relief that Nondrick survived.

  44. Wow, nice. didn’t think a bald, nordic, alchemist could kill his way through the bandits. And i dont think Selene belive nondrick on the Chef thing, cause would the chef REALLY be wearing leather armor with a silver longsword?

  45. TalonSlayer says:

    I love this blog. It made me reinstall Oblivion.

  46. Redragon says:

    Loved this post. Best yet.

  47. Percussion_Queen says:

    Wow i’m really loving this stuff. Oblivion is not really the kind of games i’m into but i totally want to give it a try now. Keep it going Nondrick!!!

  48. For some reason this is ridiculously interesting. As you read you begin to hope Nondrick does not to do anything remotely exciting.

    Keep up the boring work.

  49. Wow dude. I was pretty scared Nondrick would die. I don’t mean to keep bringing it up, but if Sir Frohman died, (which he did) I forbid you from killing Nondrick!

    Good post, keep up the great work dude.

  50. lol Alex said something that is funny and sort of true

  51. As awesome as that was, I can’t believe I’m the first to mention the hilarity of the hourglass alarm clock

    XD, thanks for that

  52. To be completely honest Nondrick, i have played and finished TES:IV multiple times, but this blog alerted me to the fact you can manipulate items without just snatching them into your inventory. Yeah, i read this post, thought “hold on a bloody second” and found the Z key does what i’ve had to use telekinesis for all this time. Thank you for the tip.

  53. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Congrats on the house. =)

  54. Alexander says:

    Using the steel sword would be much better. Silver is nice and all, but it breaks waay easyer than steel. In fact, I could’ve sworn that steel does more damage than silver.

    Either way, this just proves how good Nonny is without knowing it (Or how far you have the difficulty slider to the left…) Keep up the work and don’t let carelessness overtake non-adventurism :D

  55. Alexander says:

    Stupid smilies, that first one was supposed to be and end parenthesies

  56. I just love these. Keep doing more!

  57. Another awesome one, Chris! I really love ’em. Keep up the great work, and hope Nondrick gets back to his olde generic-NPC days, haha.

    By the way, we should try to play a few rounds of TF2 one day..would be fun. You have my Steam, so if you can fish it out of the thousands of friends you guaranteed have on there, would be great to play a bunch of rounds together. =P

    – JC

  58. Is this a cliffhanger ?

  59. Whoaw im loving this! I hope he will continue this soon! its great ^__^

  60. A concerned citizen. says:

    Oh man! Nondrick in combat is a scary thing! I did this quest once at low level (with OOO, though, so they were all quite a bit higher level) and I had trouble… but I was built to be a warrior!

    Good to see you made it through, Nondrick old buddy.

  61. lol a concerned citizen

  62. I wish I was as awesome as Nondrick.

    But alas, that is not possible, for no one can be as awesome as Nondrick.

  63. “Traveller Strikes Fear Into Pirates With Ugly Mug”

  64. HareichiSan says:

    W00t! Nonny lives! I was skii-air’d!

  65. we need update NOW!!!


  66. Come on Chris, cotninue the damn blog already! I need more Nondrik!

  67. Absolutely Brilliant. Makes me want to fire up Oblivion again.

  68. meh I think he quit that “NOW I CAN END THIS STUPID BLOG” comment makes me feel like I won’t be seeing much Nonny for a while

  69. What’s going on? I miss my Nondrick :(.

  70. More non-adventures, please!

  71. And people keep looking up to poor old Chris. Stop whipping him guys, haha.

    Then again that happens when you’re succesful in what you do. =P

    But yes, I as well am looking forward to see more of Nondrick!

    But Chris, by all means, take your time.

    – JC

  72. It’s pretty cool how you kept all your old keepsakes for sentimental value. That’s, like, awesome.

  73. where iz nondrick. iz he MIA? Did He get captured By necromancers? I hate necromancers!

  74. Bubblestheretardedclown says:

    Dude sick I’m gonna do the same thing cept i’m gonna join the guilds so I got a free place to sleep in almost all the cities.

  75. I started reading LiO yesterday, and now I’m hooked. But Chris, I’m really disappointed in you, forcing me to buy Oblivion and all. Completely out of line.

  76. Nondrick you are my hero, so does that mean you will do some quests now, I do hope so :)

  77. Jaded Empath says:

    Chris? Great writing as always! It’s not easy to accomodate the twists and turns a game can throw your ‘meta-history’ (I tried to do a ‘pre-storyline’ journal of Privateer years ago), but you do admirably!

    And as much as I champ at the bit, I’ll patiently wait for you to continue with your other interests…like TF2 and it’s Heavy class update (Killer Gloves of Boxing, ftw, from what I’ve read!), and continue with ‘the story of Nondrick’ when you can.

    Thanks again!

  78. HareichiSan says:

    *makes an angry/sad grunting noise* when are you gonna update? I can’t bear (bare?) waiting a whole month for just a short blog of serene glory!

  79. A Guy Who Wants An Update says:



  80. Von Dozier says:

    I think this blog is done. The entire object was to buy a house, and make a comfortable living on selling ingredients, and it’s been done.

  81. HareichiSan says:

    Actually, it isn’t. Maybe you didn’t read that part, but it says,

    “Now I can end this blog.

    Just kidding.”

    He’s not gonna end this any time soon.

  82. HareichiSan says:

    If he was done, he would tell us.

  83. Anthony J says:

    I assume he’s going for monthly updates? lol I can’t see this project as being that bad of one…

  84. LokiHades says:

    I’m relieved that Nondrick survived! Damn game, forcing you to do quests just because you slept on a ship… Anyway, he a has a house now! Woohoo, He’s making his way up the ladder of NPC life.

  85. Lockandkey says:

    Jared Empath: It’s “chomp at the bit”. “Champ at the bit” is how Britfags say it, and it’s wrong.

  86. What’s the language that you speak, Lockandkey? Is it English? Do you know who are the only people in the world who say what is wrong and right in the English language? The people who write the Oxford English Dictionary and I doubt that you are one of them..

    Champ is a word, it’s a bit archaic but it is still the word used in this phrase because it is typically used in reference to horses.

  87. new sack? love it!

  88. Hurray! Without looking like Steven Seagal, he managed to win, albeit he didn’t talk Selene into surrendering, so he missed out on her quips as you escort her to the makeshift “brig”. Anyway, as for language. Here in the USA, it is “American-English” as determined by “Webster’s Dictionary” as Webster created it. Over in the U.K., you use “King’s/Queen’s English”, and that it what the “Oxford English Dictionary” deals with. So over here, is is indeed, “chomp” even in the Great Chickasaw Nation. As for “champ on the bit”, I’ve never heard or read of that, except for typos. Now I’ll have to ask my English friend for clarification. Or look it up in Wikipedia. Well, this is where I began my reading marathon. I’ll end here for today. After creating a desktop shortcut to remind of where I left off at.

  89. Thank the nine divines that Nondrick got out of that one alive!

  90. I’m a little confused, since the speaker sounded like he was about a mile away and hollering into a bucket.


  91. Generally I do not post on blogs, but I would like to say that this post really forced me to do so, Excellent post!

    I’m Out! :)

  92. I’m getting tired of these muthafucking brigands! on this muthafuckin boat!

  93. Samuel Brooks says:

    I had a feeling that you couldn’t avoid adventure forever. But it was a brief quest, and it inspired Nondrick to settle down and lead a simpler life, so it really adds to the overall narrative.

  94. I was terrified Nondrick would die in this episode.


  1. […] Grampa Nondrick checked out a couple boats in his day, and they blew up in his face, too. One time he wound up at sea, surrounded by bandits, and another time he got attacked by ghosts. This boat is probably filled with zombie pirates or […]

  2. […] Grampa Nondrick checked out a couple boats in his day, and they blew up in his face, too. One time he wound up at sea, surrounded by bandits, and another time he got attacked by ghosts. This boat is probably filled with zombie pirates or […]

  3. […] Grampa Nondrick checked out a couple boats in his day, and they blew up in his face, too. One time he wound up at sea, surrounded by bandits, and another time he got attacked by ghosts. This boat is probably filled with zombie pirates or […]