[I apologize, in advance, for the lack of and quality of the images in this entry. This all took place in the dead of night where I could barely see my health meter in front of my own face. In order to see anything in the screenshots, I have to really tweak the levels up which leaves them looking real poopy. Plus, some things happened so fast I didn’t even have time to snap a shot.]
Here I am, a stone’s throw from Skingrad, and once again I’m being hunted by a female bandit. This time, I’m not going toe-to-toe if I can help it. I’m determined to reach the city without shedding any blood or risking my life.
Dropping into a crouch, I hope she’ll just give up on me, but this time, bending over, even in near-total darkness, doesn’t hide me from her keen bandit senses. She knows I’m there and calls for me to come out. I don’t, instead slinking into the bushes to the south of the road, hoping to slowly circle around her. It works — she loses me in the night and I spot her moving further down the road, away from the city. I take off my fur boots, hoping it will make me move even more quietly. I climb a small rise and peer down at her camp.
That’s when I hear another voice calling for me to show myself. A male voice. Dammit, there are two of them now.
He knows I’m there, but he isn’t climbing the rise to get me, possibly because it’s much steeper on the other side. Still, he’s not going to just let me go. I’m not sure where the woman went, but I don’t hear her anymore. This could be good or bad. Fighting multiple enemies in Oblivion is never really a picnic, no matter what level you are, especially in the dark, and especially if most of your skills can only be applied to picking onions. It’s time for plan B.
Ruuuunnnnnnnnnn! I tear through the camp and back out onto the road. The male bandit gives chase, but there’s still no sign of the female. I can see Skingrad ahead of me in the gloom. I’m very close but he’s not letting me go. I know if I can just reach the city gates, he won’t follow me inside. Plus, there’s a chance an armed guard might help me.
Behind me, I hear some yelling, and the sound of a spell being cast and the sound of blows landing. I turn around in time to see two figures engaged in combat. One is the bandit, the other is someone I’ve never seen before. He appears to be unarmed, and he strikes the bandit with, I think, only his fists. The bandit, amazingly, falls faster than a fleeing NPC can take a screenshot.
My savior this time is a fellow named Toutius Maximus. I’m a bit stunned. I have no idea where he came from or how he took out a bandit, who, on closer examination, was a Bandit Hedge Wizard. Being a wizard who hides in the bushes and robs people, I guess. That’s how Dumbledore got his start.
Toutius seems pretty nonplussed about killing a man with his bare hands. I ask him for some rumors, as one naturally does after witnessing someone pummel someone else to death, and he encourages me to join the local Fighter’s Guild. That’s not a bad ad campaign, really — punching a wizard to death is a pretty convincing demonstration of the benefits of signing up with the Fighter’s Guild. Do you want to brutally club a wizard to death with your fists? Sure, we all do!
Well, once again I’ve been saved by an extremely violent stranger. I thank him by stripping the dead wizard of all his stuff, which includes a Poison of Frailty. I’m plenty frail already, thanks.
I made it, though. Skingrad! I even get an escort to the gate. By a bunch of sheep. I quickly find my way to the Two Sisters Lodge, but before I can enter some whackjob Bosmer named Glarthir stops me in the street with some odd babbling:
Um, yeah, how about not? How about you go behind the chapel, wait until midnight, and then pound some Imp Gall up your ass?
Inside, I talk to one of the two sisters who run the lodge. She’s an orc (presumably, the other is as well). She’s got a room and it’ll only set me back 10 gold. Honestly, right now, I’d have paid a hundred. It’s been a long day.
The room is very sparse and there’s no food or towels to help myself to, but I don’t care. It’s almost two in the morning after a long trip that’s introduced me to imps, bandits, goblins, wolves, and wizards… it’s been a real adventure, and that’s precisely the sort of thing I’d like to avoid.
As I prepare to stand next to my bed all night and get some rest, I find myself hoping that Skingrad will be more accommodating than Anvil was. Traveling is too damn dangerous for a level one NPC, and I don’t plan to do it again anytime soon.
This is very funny… somehow.
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If you can’t see a thing without editing the stuff in Photoshop, why not raise the brightness in Oblivion itself?
A bit less inspiring, and now that you’ve gone on one trip to another city, I find it hard that you’ll experience anything new or exciting on your next trip. However, I read all of Concerned, and I do not doubt you’re ability to stretch a joke or to improve a new hilarious one. Keep up the good work, I can’t wait to see what you’ll do with the lady from the Alchemist shop!
I have no idea what madness drove you to avoiding anything that looked like adventure, but it is epic and awesome and makes me want to buy Oblivion. Unfortunately, I’ve spent over $100 on video games and such this school year alone, so it’s probably not happening.
I await your next update with bated breath.
To be in period, you shouldn’t be taking snapshots anyway, but making oil paintings.
Lawly
To be in period, you shouldn’t be taking snapshots anyway; you should be doing oil paintings.
Hmmm..Mabey Nondrick’ll “Accidently” see glathir and say no. I anna see that Glathir killing-pree thing!
Looks like most of the crappiness is coming from the JPEG artifacting, and its shoddy hue approximation at low luminances. If you screenshot as BMPs, they won’t suffer so badly when you lighten them. I can’t remember if there’s a way to change the game’s shot format, but http://www.fraps.com lets you shot in BMP or PNG.
Nice. The inn at Anvil seems to be the only one that provided such an awesome room wtih food and everything, at least that’s what I’ve experienced. Even that ritzy hotel in the Imperial City, at 40 gold a night, didn’t provide food in my room. One of the only good things about Anvil, really, aside from the fact that I’ve been using The Floating Log in lieu of a house to store all my loot in.
Awesome! Keep up the good work :D. Skingrad is my second favorite town with bruma in the lead. Good luck on your non-adventures
Keep up the amazing blogging, this is not easy to pull off and make it entertaining for anyone who reads it. But you have definitely pulled it off and gone beyond the call of duty to create something incredibly fun to read. Thanks for everything you’ve done here so far, and I can’t wait to see how this all progresses.
another great installment. I cant wait for Nondricks next Non-adventure!
Hey Chris!
I’d like to say that I really enjoy this blog. It gives you a pretty good idea of how NPCs go on living.
Oh, it’s also pretty funny.
I was thinking of starting something like this and making my own blog – It won’t be exactly the same, but it’ll be similar.
So what I need from you is a complete list of modifications you’re using – Because I would like to have a similar experience to you! I already know some of them, but just to be sure, I need a full list. It would be fine if you either responded here or sent the list to my email address. Thanks.
Also, Happy easter!
Well, I use Xbox 360.. and I dont think you would want to go thru what I did.. I fought rather extremely large spiders, fought my clone, became Madgod, and LOST IT ALLLL… INCLUDING MY JYGALOG SWORD AND STAFF OF SHEOGORATH.. all to a bow and a set of arrows… BLASPHAMY
Cheese anyone? No, sorry, no cheese. I guess thats just as good for people that don’t eat cheese. Maybe later.. until then, I’ll be watching this mountain wolf devour my insides.. and then I would imagine that he will later play skip rope with them… …how fun.
Fantastic, love this series, can’t wait to see more non-adventures.. really makes me wanna play like this.
T Oneperson:His list of mods areinthe ” Dragonfires look fine teh me” section, but i Copy/pasted ’em here.
/ Quote Chris/
A quick word about the mods I’ll be using — no real need to read this unless you’re actually interested in Oblivion mods, or if you notice some things in my Oblivion that aren’t in yours.
I already use a number of mods for Oblivion — one to make the natural environments a little prettier, one to make the weather a little more realistic, one that supplies you with a keychain (you pick up a lot of keys in Oblivion, and they tend to clog your inventory page), some UI mods, and a couple others. To give my NPC the best chance for a mild-mannered existence, however, I’m gonna have to make some core changes to the way Oblivion plays.
First stop — the immense mod called Oblivion Modular Enhanced. It has so many facets that I won’t even try to list them all, but I’m mainly using it for one big one: The Main Quest Delayer Plug-In.
See, Oblivion starts you off in a jail cell in Imperial City, and thrusts you right into the main quest of the game. It’s true that once you’ve escaped the prison you never have to revisit or continue the main quest, but still, it’s hardly the start my run-of-the-mill NPC is looking for. He’s no son of prophecy, he’s just a Random Joe Tunic.
The Main Quest Delayer plug-in takes care of that problem. You start the game in the coastal city of Anvil, fresh off the boat, with just a handful of coins, a dagger, and an apple. The Dragonfires are still lit, the Emperor is safe in the Palace (I understand you can even go see him).
The main quest just doesn’t start at all — unless you want it to. Get arrested by an upper echelon officer in Imperial City, and you’ll wind up in that fateful jail cell, thus kick-starting the true beginning of the game. But, I won’t be doing that.
The Mod also has some other neat-sounding features I’m not enabling, but that some of you might want to check out — increased fines for serious crimes (and executions for severe ones), you can play as new races like werewolf, Lich, or even as a Dremora, they have a new pricing and weight system for items in the game (I’m going to stick with Oblivion’s original econmics), and there’s a ton of new character classes (I’ll be using a custom one).
I’ve got a mod called Primary Needs, which affects my health unless I eat and sleep, something just about all NPCs do in Oblivion.
I’ve installed another Mod, called Crowded Roads, that adds some adventurers on the roads between the cities. I just think this is a nice touch — the roads are generally empty except for monsters, the occasional soldier, and you. Since I’m not playing the hero in this game, it makes sense that there’d be more explorers and adventurers around to fill the void. Plus, if I do need to travel between cities, it might be a good idea to tag along behind a real brawler, in case I run into trouble.
There’s a mod that lets you experience the effect of drunkeness when you drink to much — not essential but another nice touch, I think.
Finally, there’s a mod that adds cats. I think having some cats running around in the game would be good. Cats are nice
nquote
Thank you for this! Keep up the great work! This blog makes me so happy I put it on my bookmark toolbar in Firefox.
level one???
still???
Your blog got a mention in a UK PC game magazine called PC Gamer, that’s how I found it, and I am loving it!
Haha, I read about this in PCG UK’s June Edition. I find this to be refreshing, and has inspired me to play Oblivion without searching for adventure (though I won’t be an NPC haha).
I’ve had M.O.E for a long time too, and its Main Quest Delayer and other mods are really awesome.
I’ll probably try out dive fishing (for slaughterfish and mudcrabs), at least until I can earn a bow and arrow for the sake of hunting… As for lodgings, I’ll avoid sleeping in the cities and inns, being a poor man who earns an honest living (say hello to Forest Joe haha).
Awesome, your blogs have made me stop using fast travel and walk more, I recently found an estate that I’ve never found with any other character, because I was taking it easy. (there wasn’t really anything there, but I’m always excited when I find new places.)
I’ve gotta say, that screenie of Glarthir there… one of the best pedo-faces ever. I’m saving that to my HD.
Hey! There’s a mod now that allows you to see yourself sleeping as the NPC’s do. Someday soon I hope to see one that allows people to sleep under the covers. But anyway, you’re still funny!
Can you laugh? I think SO!
Thy names Dageroth, a former Madgod of the Isles until I preformed a glitch. Then, mysteriously, the portal to my world hath dissapeared. In thus, all of my weaponry and armour and matrixes have dissapeared, too. Anyway, aside from my loss(I can no longer summon my flesh atronarch nor my golden saints nor dark seducers), I found a wonderful manor in Skingrad. for 20 thousand gold and a lot of fame, you may buy a manor and it is 3 stories and amazing.. I even have my own house keeper.
I lol’d at “As I prepare to stand next to my bed all night and get some rest…” Hilarious!
Weeks later, I’m still laughing at “go pound imp gall up your ass”. Please post more, I found these so damn entertaining.
Oh hoho Glarthir… memories.
is he on full diffuculty
yo have to thank PC Gamer for this find too!
Keep it up!