Nondrick's Non-adventure

Day Eight, Cont'd: Hard Out There For An Imp

An imp! Interrupting my relaxing swim! He’s got some gall. Ha ha. That will be funny in a minute.

There’s nothing worse than being confronted by a winged hellspawn while wearing sopping wet underpants. Luckily, when I stripped down I neglected to remove my short sword (somehow it’s clipped to my enormous manties). There’s no time to get my armor back on (okay, actually, there’s all the time in the world, since bringing up the inventory screen pauses the game, but I’m roleplaying here, dammit), so there’s nothing to do but draw my weapon and fight for my life.

It flaps over and swipes at me with its talons, drawing blood on the back of my leg, uh, somehow. I swing at it spastically, like a child too uncoordinated to even get a hit in tee-ball. I finally manage to connect a few times, and despite having no shield, I keep most of my health and soon the disgusting creature flops into the pond.

I gotta say, the little guy is positively ripped. Look at those abs! He must do a lot of crunches. It doesn’t make me gay to admire his dead cut little body, right?

I search him for loot and find that he’s loaded with Imp Gall, which is like bile or barf or something gross like that. Imp gall can be used in alchemy — plus it’s worth about 15 gp on its own. I also spot an oyster in the water under the corpse, and open it to find a pearl worth 2 gp. Finally, I found an oyster! Screw you, Anvil.

I quickly get my armor back on, and just in time, because another imp comes flapping over looking to start some static. He’s dealt with, and his body plops into the pond like the first.

Well, gross. Now there’s a bunch of bile-coated strangely muscular dead gross imps floating around in my lovely little swimming hole. Kinda spoils the enjoyment. Ah well, I don’t have a pool skimmer, so I’d best be moving on.

Rather than heading back to the road, I cut straight east toward Skingrad through the wilderness, quickly stumbling across some extensive Ayleid ruins called Miscarcand. With all this imp-slaying and ruins-finding, it’s hard not to feel a bit like an adventurer. Just look how brave and badass I’m looking in this shot. Except for, you know, the horrible face and all.

I poke around a bit, finding some ingredients (including a sack with some fish scales in it), and fling a fireball at another far-off deer. I springs away unharmed. Something tells me I shouldn’t tarry here too long, however, though I can’t put my finger on what it is.

I sure don’t want to see my huge misshapen skull on a pole. Besides, I’ve spotted something by the far end of the ruins:

I’m pretty sure it’s a goblin. Imps are one thing, but goblins have berserker rage, armor, weaponry… and a lot of friends. I’m out of here.

The problem, of course, with wandering through the wilderness is all the wild things, and it’s not long before I’m attacked by yet another wolf. This one goes down easily enough, bad sadly isn’t carrying any gold or kitchen utensils.

It’s getting dark. I finally reconnect with the road around 8:30, and while I’ve still got a bit of ways to go, I’m getting close to Skingrad at last.

As I plod down the road, I hear a voice call out ahead. “Who’s there?”

I drop into a crouch. Through the fading light I spot a woman with a shield, her weapon drawn. I can barely make her out, but Ye Olde Photoshop’s image adjustment sheds a little light.

Another bandit. It looks like I’m not out of the woods yet.

Comments

  1. Wow, I literally found this today off of facepunch, started reading it, when I was done I refreshed it and this was up.

    This is amazing, don’t stop updating.

    Also you’ve inspired me to do one, too.

    • FableWriter says:

      same i got bored of oblivion but now im back playing cuz of this and writing my own blog mayb u can send me a link to urs?

  2. DeCreaux says:

    Well, I suppose someone has to fill the role of pathetic clod in Cyrodiil, not everyone can be a heroic adventurer like myself.

    I rather enjoy the same sort of humor from Concerned making it into another game I can’t seem to stop playing, no matter how many hours of withdrawl I’ll have to endure when I eventually finish….. hahahahaha, finish Oblivion, hahahahahaha-

  3. Near Elite says:

    Exciting :D

  4. This blog has almost convinced me to give up my job as an Daedra-Hunter and take up a life of ingredient collecting.

    Well, it almost. Now it’s a part time gig!

  5. Nice. Im pretty sure Nondrick’ll take down the bandit, as he has before. Petty interesting. If he runs into noter Highwayman, i wonder if he’ll think it’s his ” Old friend” XD

  6. to Swift:
    His ‘old friend’ is dead.

    Hooray for potato chop!

  7. To Rats808

    I KNOW the old highway man’s dead. It’s jst that almost all the Kajjhit *Sp* Highwaymen look the same and, if he mets another, h m,ight think it’s the old one ack from the dead or whatever.

    I support the ninja-pirate alliance!

  8. Awesome! Keep it up!

  9. loved the comic! Old fish-face just keeps being attacked! Why, oh why, can’t they leave him alone. jking, this is awsome! Do many, many, many more! In fact, you should continue until they nail shut your coffin! (i’m serious)

  10. mr T!.....ompson says:

    have you never heard of the imp aerobics club? they hold it down in the caves in….. gibberamia

  11. I wonder what Nondrick will do when he meets Glarthir in Skingrad…

  12. He’ll Probaly say

    ” SCREW YOU, GAME BRIMMING WITH ADVENTURE”

    AGAIN.

  13. I love this blog-ish-thing.

    Thank you for this and keep it up, I played Oblivion rather casually, only beating the game once over a coarse of many many months when it first came out so this is a refreshing change of pace at the finer aspects of the game, and the commentary is hilarious.

    Can’t wait for the next update,
    -Steve

  14. Great job! Keep it up!

  15. Keep the references to the fact your doing it as roleplay. They actually strangely add to the humour:P Like “(I could just bring up the inventory and pause the game but im roleplaying dammit!)” is actually quite funny, and adds a dimension to the humour as a whole. I assume you already realise this though and were intending that all along:P

  16. this is really great stuff!
    If your on my space please look us up!
    keep on gaming and writing! :))))
    take care
    *mazken*

  17. I used to work with a girl named Kimberly who had a best friend named “Kinda Brown”. Even before meeting her, I wondered when and why people began using a girl’s name in place of the phrase, “kind of”. But anyway, I wonder if Imps sing! ;-)

  18. I loved “The little guy is positivly ripped”! lol it really made mt laugh.

  19. “It looks like Im not out of the woods yet.”……was that a pun?

  20. Epic pun at the ending.

  21. ArgonianLover says:

    Kill that bandit,leave her body naked on the road,and calmly walk to Skingrad.Ta-da!Its like you never did it!
    Nondrick is the best Nord I have ever known.Tell him that!

    ArgonianLover

  22. Laughing. My. Ass. Off.

    Great Post!!!