A bright orange sphere signals that it is morning, but it’s not the sun. It’s Sir Dion of Beta-Carotine, the guardsman, standing in my room.
I’m kind of annoyed. What kind of scumbag walks into someone’s room while they’re sleeping, wakes them up, and has a little chat?
Oh, right. Right.
Anyway, Dion is kind of a dick. He warns me that Glarthir is crazy, and tells me to report any strange behavior to him or another guardsman. Then, he leaves.
It is at that moment I realize something truly awful. Before I went to bed last night I was rifling through my inventory and outfits and stuff, I guess I accidentally put on my stupid fur helmet and never took it off. So I was wearing it the whole time Dion was having his dramatic and pressing conversation with me.
That’s just great. He must think I’m an idiot.
At any rate, it’s somewhat satisfying to have this game, this world, so completely desperate to provide me with adventure that it’s actually breaking into my room while I’m sleeping in a stupid furry hat to offer it to me. And yet, I resist, as I plan to spend today strolling around doing nothing.
Which turns out to be pretty easy, because after the Dion incident, Oblivion seems to have given up on me. Instead of adventure, it feeds me a steady diet of grape-related anecdotes. Everyone I stop and talk to just can’t shut their goddamn yaps about grapes.
Okay, there’s a little adventure in there, but it’s mostly grapes. The exceptions are Dion, who I run into again, and who tries to pressure me into suggesting that Glarthir be arrested, and Glarthir himself, who is angry with me for not meeting him behind the chapel.
While I’m finding these Skingradians alternately extremely dull or fairly annoying, I’m still interested in seeing what sort of house might be for sale in town. After all, I don’t want to live in inns forever. I want a place for myself, to display my treasures, such as… well, I’ve got that wolf-fork, anyway. It’s a conversation piece!
I pick up a tip that I should visit the castle and speak to an Orc named Shum gro-Yarug if I’m interested in a house. I track him down and engage in the usual mode of chit-chat, in which I watch his face carefully to determine if he prefers being threatened, joked with, admired, or bragged to, and then engage in some combination of the four. Which is odd. I mean, if I know the guy hates jokes, why would every fourth thing out of my mouth be a joke?
It takes a lot of talk, and one cash bribe, to even get him to trust me enough to even mention the house for sale.
Well, okay, fair enough. I can accept that, but I think I should get my 12 septim bribe back, at least. Plus, walking slowly everywhere really eats up time and the day is almost over.
I head up to the bridge to see if I can catch a glimpse of Imperial City’s famed tower, which is said to be visible from every city in Cyrodiil. Just as it did in Anvil, the weather conspires against me. Fogged in, I can’t see far at all, in any direction. Especially the wrong direction.
Suckage. Depressed, I go buy myself another outfit. For clubbing.
I head to the West Weald Inn to show off my new duds, which appear to be flats and a dress. There I meet a woman named Else God-Hater. As advertised, she hates the Gods.
So noted. I also overhear a conversation between Else and a heavily armored elf regarding the hottest topic in of all of Cyrodiil. It’s on YouTube here.
Fearing Dion may burst into my room at the Two Sisters Lodge again tonight, I shell out a bit extra for a room at the West Weald. It’s a small room but it’s on the corner, which would mean something if I could see out the windows.
The next morning I’m up and sporting my fancy blue duds. I grab some breakfast (an entire watermelon, just for a change) and I decide, what with all the chatter about grapes, I’d better check out the vineyards before someone kicks down my door and demands I visit them. The vineyards, as it turns out, are not only full of grapes, they’re full of people who want to talk about grapes. It’s a real grape town, this Skingrad.
I notice a bit of a traffic jam as well. Looks like a bunch of travelers from the Crowded Roads mod I installed have gotten stuck behind a fence. I also spot the dead naked pummeled wizard lying in the road — dead and pummeled courtesy of Toutious Sextus, naked thanks to yours truly.
I do a little ingredient gathering, though I don’t pick any grapes. I could, easily, as there are tons of them and it wouldn’t technically be stealing, but as an NPC I am bound by a different code. Anyway, I don’t want grapes. I’m tired of seeing them and tired of talking about them. I head back into the city, kind of grouchy.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. This doesn’t help my mood at all. This douche is not only wearing the same outfit as me, he’s wearing the same hair.
I stomp away, back up to the bridge, to take one more stab at seeing the distant spire of Imperial City. Despite the weather being fairly clear, I still can’t see if from the bridge. Night is approaching, so I start back, but decide to climb a nearby hilltop not far from the bridge.
And there, in the fading light, through a gap in the lush trees, I finally spot it.
The White Gold Tower. The center of Imperial City, the meeting place for the Council of Elders.
You know, I don’t think I want to live in Skingrad, or even stay here much longer. I want to be there. In Skingrad, I’m a big dork in a little city. I want to be a little dork in a big city.
At the same time, I’m not sure I’ve got what it takes to make it there. Not yet, anyway. One thing’s for sure, I’m a little bored with walking around hearing about grapes. And I got an idea this morning, while I was preparing to stuff an entire watermelon down my craw.
The woman I bought the watermelon from also sold boar meat, and for a pretty penny, too. While I haven’t seen any boar, and probably won’t until I’ve gained a few more levels, maybe I should try my hand at harvesting something other than weeds.
Yes. Tomorrow, a hunting I shall go. A hunter… I shall be.
Doesn’t the Count realize the housing market is down? You can’t wait around for Ryan Seacrest to show up and make you an offer. If somebody has some money, you sell them your damn house.
Isn’t hunting….a little adventurous? It’ll be interesting to see where this leads. Probably with an arrow stuck through Nondrick’s foot.
Or through his KNEE?? This guy’s a Prophet! check the date on the post! Great Blog btw. You’re an amazing writer, man. Found this through PC Gamer.Funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long, time.
there are hunter npcs. it is a little adventurous, but not too much.
Hunting. Bears, deer, boar….fish? What about fishing? Just outside the imperial city there’s an adventure that really isn’t. Some jackass wants you to go fishing for him. Sure, the fish are pissed off and have big teeth and a bit of a ‘tude but they’re just fish!
If hunting is not adventuring then fishing shouldn’t be either.
This is the only blog worth reading on the whole internet. More please.
Long live Nondrick!
I laughed until I cried for about 7 minutes straight at the douche wearing the same exact outfit.
This blog just gets better and better as time goes on.
What he said…
Or something.
Like Ohibeans said… This is the only blog I’ve ever found worth reading!
Loved the parts with “a bright orange sphere” and “he’s wearing my hair too!”
Keep on with your non-adventuring!
grapes blow. i betcha they have friggin’ strawberries in the imperial city. now *there’s* an interesting fruit, though not as fantastic as a topic of deep conversation.
It’s finally time for Nondrick to kick some deer and wolf ass.
Hilarious as always! As another poster said, the comments on Dion and the douche with the same hair and outfit were gold!
Like Von Dozier said the guy wearing the same clothes (and hair) as you just cracked me up. Keep up the good work!
That guy was Nondrick’s slightly better looking brother.
”a hunter i shall be”
HAHAHA! great do more! ”as he got pummeled bu citrus mixtus, and naked by yours truly!”
and ”they talk about grapes grapes grapes!”
or ”he wears the same hair”
very good, make more
hahaha, I cracked up after reading the first two lines!
this is really good :D
I – love – Nondrick! :O
Is he open for a marriage?
In fact, while my regular computer is being toast, I think I am going to start a similar NPC-character in Morrowind, on my laptop. I’ll name him Nondrick, in honour of him. (;
This is awesome! I’m saving up money to get a good enough computer to play oblivion.
This blog is great, please never stop.
P.S DIS VRY FUNNY DONT KILL NONDRICK OR URE A DIK IF U KILL HIM HOW DO YOU PUT GUN IN HAND
Fantastic as always, keep it up!
My god; I’m dying here
the first few lines are just too good
and eating and reading this blog is a bad idea
also liked how you added a little suspense at the end of the previous blog post
The first two sentences made my year!
The first two sentences made me laugh for five minutes straight.
And another five when I read it again.
The first two sentences are just too funny! I laughed for at least ten minutes!
I remember when I went to Skingrad on my newest character that I played with tons of mods. The bad part was I was a warewolf, so Dion walks in at 3 in the morning and screams that he doesn’t want to talk to an unholy beast like me. I wonder what happens if you leave the city? Does he walk all the way to where you go to warn you about Glarther?
Hmm. Okay, I recovered from the laughter. Heh! By the way, for your information. Some years ago, I suddenly noticed that “scumbag” had replaced “barfbag” as a favored term of insult. I knew what a “barfbag” was and a “douchebag”, but not a “scumbag”. So I looked it up. It is a used condom, meaning it has ejaculated semen in it. Odd to think of those being somewhere on Nirn! Also, “dork” is another word for “phallus”, usually in the flacid, non-erect state. Also the male equal of the female term, “virgin”. (I’d have used “penis”, but in Latin that means “tail”, so I used the Latin word, “phallus” that is their word for the male sex organ.) That said, I hope that Nordrick soon looses his dork status!
Man, this entry was by far the funniest yet. I Stumbled Upon your blogg and i must say, it was the best thing in a long time!
Man, i had to bite my fist to keep me from waking rest of the family by laughing, classic!
Ohhhhhhh, when I read the page before this one, i thought it would be Lanchance. Ah well, this rocks 2.
Wearing the same clothes AND hair? You must be getting fans! Damn them you haven’t even adventured!
Ahahah! Nice! This blog is great. No one can turn something like Oblivion into a hilarious laugh fest better than you can.
dude, i know how old this is, but man your blog cracks me up, it’s a good thing im home alone or my mum will think im a nutter for cracking up so much
i nearly died at Nondricks twin, my stomach still hurts.
anyway Nondrick is awesome..and onto reading the rest of Nondricks non-adventure
things are getting intense.
Nice hat. you’re Cyrodil’s Holden Caufield.