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Is That Saliva In Your Ass, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Ten Things I Hate About Porn

If you were to ask me what my least favorite thing about porn is, it would be that the rewind button on my VCR's remote control is broken.  As anyone who owns a porno can tell you, in a two hour compilation tape there are a total of maybe eleven seconds that do it for you.  Rewinding and replaying your favorite bit is often necessary, and it takes away from the experience if you have to get out of bed and squat in front of the VCR to do it.

Now that I've branded the image of me squatting naked and aroused in front of my TV into your brain, let me state that my busted remote is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to annoying things about porn, and we're talking about an iceberg of Titanic proportions.  Here's the rest of what bugs me:

1.  Spitting

Not once have I looked at an attractive woman in a bar or coffee shop or nursing home and thought, "Man, would I ever like to take her home, get her naked, and have her spit on my dick."

Yet, I'll be sitting at my computer, watching some freshly-filched fornication, and sure enough, there it is.  The rubbery-breasted flat-butted woman-thing is performing oral sex on the hairy blotchy goateed pony-tailed man-type creature, and she'll pause in the midst of it to remove his fireplug-sized erection from her mouth, and spit on it.

Give me a clue, here.  Is she trying to lubricate his turgid member for easier engulfing?  If so, well, uh, the spit was just in her mouth a second ago.  Surely, when she slides it on in there, it will get wet, yeah?  It makes about as much sense as hosing yourself down before taking a shower, so I'm guessing she just thinks it's sexy.  Wrong.  Spitting on something before you put it in your mouth is acceptable if you're Brundlefly, maybe, but no one else.

2.  Spitting, Again

I was watching some porn and the actors, a man and a woman, were preparing to engage in anal sex.  I could sense this because a few things had already happened.  First, the woman had gone down on the guy for forty minutes.  Then, the guy had gone down on the woman for twelve seconds.  Next, the guy had hammered away at her vagina, in a number of uncomfortable-looking positions, for about three hours.  What else could be left?

Time for the butt!  So, naturally, the guy spreads open the woman's anus and spits into it.

Here, we may be closer to a lube-needed situation than the penis-ptooi reference above.  As any junior high school kid can tell you, lubrication is a must-have in anal encounters.  And, yes, if all you have handy is spit, then that's all you have.  It's better than nothing.  I figure, though, this being the set of a porno, they must have some lube lying around.  Real lube.  This isn't a Last Tango in Paris situation, it's an actual porn production.  So, why the need to spit directly inside her?

I fear, in my heart of hearts, it was in some way to showcase the um... how to put this delicately... volume of her pooper.  I mean, when he opened her up it looked like the Lincoln Tunnel back there, not all that hard to understand when you consider that some of the guys she has sex with are hung like the Colossus of Rhodes.  And, when people find something deep and dark, like a well or a sinkhole, it's not abnormal to spit into it.  You can tell how deep it is by the plunk you eventually hear.  My point is, I always thought one of the appeals of anal sex was that the butt was tight, y'know?   This film seemed to imply that it's better to have a sphincter you can insert a keg of beer into.  Well, maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Anyway, yeah.  He spit into into her butt, way into it, several times, and they showed it, and man you just wonder if nuking each other into oblivion ain't that bad of an idea.

3.  Pimply Asses

Hey, we all get zits on our butts.  Actually, I don't.  Despite my many and varied skin conditions, I've never had much of an ass-pimple problem.  Anyway, I understand it happens, but I'm watching porn, here, and I'm not watching it to feel better about my own ass.  I'm watching it to see people more attractive than I am having sex.  I don't go to a Bruce Willis movie to see him get surrounded by effeminate European terrorists, only to accidentally drop his gun which discharges into his foot while he falls over sobbing.  I go to watch him kick some ass.  Likewise, I don't watch porn to see people with nasty butts banging each other.  I mean, what's next?  A porno where the guy makes a clumsy pass at a woman, gets rejected, and winds up at home alone jerking off to the scrambled Spice Channel?

4.  Lack of Kissing

Call me a hopeless romantic, but when I watch a guy ramming a marble-hard cock the size of a Civil War cannon into an Asian teen nympho's tender ass, I want to see a little kissing, too.

I recently watched a clip of a Christy Canyon movie, and she and the guy paused during the action and started making out.  Panting, gasping, really into it, really passionate.  It was great, much better than the stuff I usually see in porn, wherein, if it's convenient, the guy will stick out his slug-like tongue, waggle it in the general vicinity of his good lady's mouth, and then go back to pounding her anus for a half hour before ejaculating on her nose.

Speaking of which:

5.  Facials

Okay!  I get the whole idea behind having an orgasm on a woman's face, really I do.  Sometimes I want to do it as well.  Sometimes I want to even see it done in porn.  Just.  Not.  Every.  Single.  Fucking.  Goddamn.  Time.  For the love of God, stop all the coming on all the faces!  We're not shocked and aroused and thrilled anymore.  We're just not.  I once saw some porn, made for women by women, and although it was fairly sucky, they managed to do without close-ups of gooey facials just fine.  (In fact, they didn't show any male ejaculation at all.) Anyway, guys, there are breasts and bellies and butts to slather your mancake mix on.  Let's show some imagination!  Get creative!  Ejaculate on an elbow!

I have a compilation tape which contains a scene of three guys doing one woman, and the first two gents have completed their business on her face, of course, and the third is working himself up to it.  So, he's got his unit just inches from the woman's twice-sloppy kisser, he's stretching and pulling and kneading his tool, bringing himself to climax as only he can, and one of the other guys says to him, and I quote, "Come on her face, dude."  Well, duh.

Also, a bit of porn I watched online recently culminated with a woman gargling semen.  The guy finished in her mouth, and then she sat there, gargling it, at the request of the cameraman who was saying, "Gargle it."  This went on for a few minutes, during which I wept and cursed God.  In fact, I now believe the Vatican is behind porn.  Their plan is to produce pornography so repulsive that I will never again have a self-inflicted orgasm for the rest of my life.  And it's working.

6.  Lesbian sex

I'm a guy.  I like seeing two women getting it on.  It's the way of things.

Watching two women kiss is the shit, if I may be so dope.  It's just so great.  And I enjoy watching it in porn, in regular movies, and in real life.  I recently stared, slack-jawed, at two women kissing a few rows in front of me in a movie theatre, and they were both incredibly ugly.  It's that good!  I could watch women kissing each other for hours.

What I can't watch for hours is the rest of it.  The lesbian sex part... it's a little, uh.  Boring.  There's a lot of, like, lapping.  Hours of it.  It's hot at first, but after a while I stop paying attention and start balancing my checkbook or thinking about how badly I need to go buy lightbulbs. Nothing against lesbians or anything, I know you're doing your best.  It just gets a little dull.

You know how we guys get aroused just watching a woman licking ice cream?  Well, if she has 6 scoops to work her way through, I guarantee we've gotten bored and gone back to our Newsweek by the time she finishes the cone.

7.  Goofy Stuff

Do porn stars enjoy their jobs?  Tough to say.  Also, who cares? (I'll get to that in a moment.)

It seems like they couldn't help but enjoy their work, I mean, imagine going to the office every day knowing you're going to engage in a threesome.  Not knowing that you might engage in a threesome.  Knowing that you will.  That's why you're going to work.  Still, like everyone else's jobs, it probably gets a little old after a while.

I'm sure our porn stars want to cut loose and have a little fun from time to time.  Break character.  Get goofy.  Stop being the horny, slutty, jizz-hungry nurses or butt-lusting policemen for a moment and be themselves, the horny, slutty, jizz-hungry and butt-lusting humanoid beings that they are.  So, every now and then, like when an erection jabs a woman in the eye or a guy misses a woman's face with his orgasm and instead hits a distant bookcase, they'll stop and laugh about it for a moment.  Sometimes they say things to camera, or make funny faces, or pretend a giant ribbed dildo is a magic wand.  They goof off a bit, just like we all do at work.  The difference being, when I'm at work making copies or sending faxes, there isn't someone watching me and masturbating (generally).

The bottom line is, I don't care if the porn stars enjoy themselves.  I'm not interested in them having a grand old time.  Hey.  HEY.  Knock it OFF.  I'm not watching this to see you have fun.  I'm watching this to see you have wild sex I can only dream of.  I don't goof off in front of my boss, so don't you goof off in front of me.  If you want to make an outtake reel to tack on the end of your movie during the credits, fine.  I'll have turned you (and myself) off by then.  In the meantime, stay serious and get humping.

8.  Guys Who Don't Take Off Their Watches or Shoes

Every guy knows you have to take off your watch when you're messing around.  Why?  Because otherwise it gets caught your partner's hair when you're making out.  Those of us who do not perform in porn have to take off our shoes, too, unless we're having a quickie or doing it in a car or somewhere you have to work around clothes rather than completely remove them.  So, it bugs me when a porn guy has his watch and shoes on.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't want to see a guy's feet.  Gross.  But man, do you dudes look stupid buck naked with your socks and shoes on or, worse, wearing flip-flops.

Women on the other hand, are more than welcome to leave their shoes on, provided they aren't tennis shoes or, worse, flip-flops.  Sexy shoes are great, although I should point out that many times, the porn women have crammed their feet into open-toed shoes that are just a few sizes too small, leaving their toes to stick out far enough to ruin the effect.

At least I haven't seen anyone spitting on someone's feet, though.  Yet.

9.  Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes Wherein Every Conceivable Position Must Be Attained At All Costs

As my wise old grandmother used to say, variety is the spice of hot unadulterated triple-X fuckfests.  (I'm paraphrasing.)

It's nice of the director to try to please everyone by changing it up, moving people around to suit the viewers' preferences of positions.  If it could just be a little more, um, spontaneous, I guess.  I mean, you have the two guys pounding away at the two women with maybe a third woman sitting on a chair idly fingering herself, and then its like someone throws a switch or something, because everyone stops at once, and then they all silently shuffle or flop or skootch into the next position on the list, and it's done with all the enthusiasm of an accountant changing the batteries in his calculator.

Maybe they could just jump-cut to the next position.  When I watch the show Friends, and Ross walks out his door and suddenly walks into Chandler's apartment, I don't fall over in shock or call the network for an explanation.  Ross walked there.  I know that, and I don't need to see every step of the trip.  No matter what kind of shoes he's wearing.  As long as they're not flip-flops.  I hate flip-flops.

10.  Panning Up To The Guy's Face When Good Things Are Happening In His Lap

Here's the scene.  Two women are working their way down a guy's stomach towards his ghastly-looking uncut whanger.  Just when they reach it with their mouths, the camera slowly pans up his pale, flabby body to show us his face.  Sure, they'll cut back to the action, but first they need to show us about ten seconds of how much he's enjoying it.

Well, of course he's enjoying it.  Who wouldn't?  I don't need to see him enjoy it, is all.  I'm capable of assuming that, since two hot pink tongues are fencing over his schlong, he's having an okay time.  In fact, please, let me assume that.  A lot of times, you can just see it in the guy's eyes that he wishes they'd stop and let him have it back.

Some might say that maybe they show the guy's face for the women viewers, who might enjoy watching a man in ecstasy.  Um, yeah.  Because porn is really geared toward women, completely interested in providing the female audience with what they want to see.

Right.  And I never get zits on my ass.