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Here you'll find essays on all manner of things: hyenas, wedgies, the Grand Canyon, car alarms, butter, and Frank Langella's scrotum.  But mostly, they're about temping.  Scroll through the categories manually, or click one of the links below to find what you're looking for.

Temping and Working / Pop-Culture  
Science and Nature / Life, and Other Disasters

TEMPING AND WORKING

See Spot; Run
Remember Clifford the Big Red Dog?  With his immense size, you'd think he'd probably have crushed a few innocent children by now.  Spot, another canine book star, is smaller, but when I impersonated him for a children's story hour at a bookstore, I put Clifford to shame, damage-wise, while learning what an enormous yellow head can do for your celebrity status.

Fired
Smoking on your breaks at work can be dangerous.  Especially if you're the only one doing it.

E-Maul
Have you ever sent a company-wide e-mail out, only to have to send another, moments later, to correct an error? Well, I have. Approximately three hundred times. In the same day.

Nothin' Bout The Truth
Research shows that the average person tells about two lies a day, but I recently spent eight hours doing little else but spewing complete bullshit in downtown San Francisco.  Oh, yeah, and I got paid to do it!  Get the skinny on perhaps my weirdest temp job to date.

Going Down?
This essay could also be titled "My Adventures in Malaysia" but it wouldnít make sense, since itís about elevators, mostly. I get off on the wrong floor at a new job and write an essay about it.  It was a slow week, sue me.  Also discussed is the embarrassment of being in a foul-smelling restroom when your boss walks in. Classy stuff.

First Blood
On Monday I am bright-eyed and ready to tackle a new career, and by Wednesday I am blinking in confusion and back to a pack-a-day smoking habit. This essay chronicles my first week of temping, including my brief, non-interview with the temp agency, my first two sobering temporary assignments, and my first contact with the now-familiar label of "The Temp".

A.S.A.Pee
My boss shares a name with a bodily excretion, which makes for a lot of fun while answering his phone.  It's a real pisser, in fact.

This is Only A Test
I didnít even want the job, so there was no reason for me to sweat the interview. That was untilÖ the test. Watch how quickly my confidence was shattered when asked by my interviewer to take a skills test so simple a mollusk could ace it. Go ahead, laugh. Mock me. You donít understand. She had a stopwatch.

The Hot Seat
Two embarrassing situations arise in the same day; in the presence of a co-worker, I make a noise that sounds like a fart, yet is not (honest!), and a dastardly hydraulic office chair pins me in an awkward position. Hilarity ensues, Tony Danza is mentioned.

Chairman of the Bored
Ennui sets in at an accounting position, so I invent games that can be played with office equipment and expound upon the difficulties of napping on the job. I call attention to my abnormally giant head, and point out that liquid paper should not be ingested. It makes more sense in context.

Go Fish
God helps those who help themselves.  But what does God do to those who help those who can't help themselves?  Like, say, a temp?  Like, say, me?  Well, He punishes.  Hard.

Lame-O
Getting lost on the way to a new job is one thing.   Getting lost on the way to a new job you don't even have is another.

Of Rice and Men
Yes, I worked for Rice-A-Roni, and Iíll wait for you to finish singing the jingle before I continue. Done? Good. During the course of this job, I am constantly given thoughtful, uplifting words of encouragement and inspiring speeches from a guy named Rich, whom I can barely restrain from strangling. I also meet a nice woman named Olga, but have to avoid her because I think her name is funny. Olga. Heh.

The Information Superhallway
It's not so bad being a doorman, unless you're four floors away from the door.  And the intercom doesn't really work.  And you're stationed at a lunch table in a hallway.  And you have a pager that vibrates hard enough to separate your spine.

For Whom The Bell Tolls
In this essay, I closely examine and dissect the modern philosophy ofÖ ah, hell. I just bitch a lot about phones.

Insecurity
Once more, I find myself in charge of security for a small office.  The two reasons this is generally a bad idea:  first, I'm tiny and pathetic, and not much of a deterrent to criminals or even malicious, palsied school children.  Second, I'm planning on stealing a ton of stuff, and here I am, guarding the door.  Plus, with this job, there's a catch.  A really big one.

Stinging in the Rain
I can't remember what this essay is about, but it probably consists of me complaining about some temp job.

Printer of my Discontent
After a working for hours on an important report on pollution control facilities (yes, itís that exciting), I finally get to print the damn thingÖ over twenty pages of well-formatted, spell-checked glory. Of course, it's never that simple. Something goes wrong, leaving me with the choice to either cuss like a sailor or heave the printer out of the sixth floor window. Instead, I stand in full sight of the upper echelon of the office and try to find my happy place. I fail.

The Temp That Time Forgot
The office Iím placed in is behind the times, technologically speaking, and I repeatedly compare it to a medieval society, complete with peasants and superstitious rituals. I also compose what I consider to be a witty company-wide memo, which is met with blank stares of incomprehension from most of the staff and a few of the vassals.

A Man, A Plan, A Fan
Keeping cool at work turns out to be tough, due to a fan that makes me hot under the collar.  That's a lame teaser, but I was kinda tired when I wrote this.

POP CULTURE

Forked Up
The key to successful product marketing?  Assume your target audience have had their brains replaced with foam packing peanuts.

Bag Reel
Those content warnings they put before films need to get waaaaaay more specific.

Arachnot
The theme song is certainly catchy, but does Spider-Man really do whatever a spider can?

Movie Tragic
Some of your favorite movies contain some ridiculous blunders in logic.  Like in Superman, where he flies around and bends steel?  That would never happen.

Mission: Improbable
Where does he get those wonderful toys? And for God's sake, why?

A Few Bad Kids
Finally, someone is thinking of the children.

SCIENCE AND NATURE

Special Relativity Don't Upset Us
A patent clerk thought it up, a file clerk explains it.

Inherit the Wedgie
Darwin, evolution, and wedgies.  You heard it here first.

As The World Churns
Thoughts on butter.  Yes, butter.

A Hyena Ate My Dingo Baby!
Hyenas are dicks, aren't they?

One Canyon, Grand
"Oh, that?  Yeah, we're gonna have that filled in."

LIFE, AND OTHER DISASTERS

In The Kitchen With Chris
Grab a wine glass, twenty knives, and a fire extinguisher: it's time to make breakfast.

Prefontpain
I got it in my head one night that I should start jogging.  It worked out really well, except for the jogging part.

Diff'rent Spokes
Okay, so, jogging isn't my thing.  Only makes sense I should try biking.  Right?  Doesn't that make sense?

Yabba Dabba Doof
Reading this essay will help tone your abs!  Well, maybe not, but it will work about as well as the Ab-Rocker did.

A League of My Own
A field of dreams... sorta.

Memos From Heaven
If only we could download a patch for humans.

Alas, Alack, Alarm
Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.

Cabin Pressure
Sure, my seat cushion can be used as a flotation device... but can it be used as a bludgeon?

Backpacks and Switchbacks
I hiked down into the Grand Canyon in June!  And no one was even pointing a gun at me!

Lacktion
Nothing ever happens to me, but if it does, I'll sure as hell be ready.

The Cow Says: Boo
Zombies?  Lame.  Vampires?  Tame.  If you want horror, try cattle.

Missed Connections
Torn from the headlines!  Well, not the headlines, the personals.  And not 'torn' so much as 'made-up'.

Worst Steps
You're walking funny and you didn't even know it.