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Huge thanks to stileproject.com.  Web traffic has been booming as a result of a link to this site appearing at The Stile Project, and I am most grateful.

Please note, however:  the link to the left, stileproject.com, contains images and words of a graphic, adult, sometimes shocking nature.  If you are offended easily, you may not want to visit The Stile Project.  It could turn you into a serial killer or something.  Really.


8-18-00 - Don't I Hate You From Somewhere? - Part Two

Continuing the short list of people you will find at each and every temp job:

The Mom

Name: Jean
Number of kids: Unknown, possibly thirty
Intelligence of kids: Too high to calculate
Favorite topic: Guess
Favorite Holiday: Bring Your Kids To Work Day (observed daily)
Is:  Always leaving work to drive them somewhere
How she gets away with this: I don't know

The Babe/The Stud

Name: Michelle/Brad
Genus: Fox/Aryan
Has nice: Scent/Hair
Has really nice: Breasts/Car
Has bad: Scruples/Personality
Likes: Zima/Golf
Scores: More than you/Way more than you
Dislikes: Women/Intelligent Women

The Religious Guy

Name: Craig; Dave
Favorite item of clothing: Jesus cap
Devoted to: The Lord
Hates: His wife; His kids; Minorities
Generous with: Tickets to religious events; advice
Medical background: Has diagnosed homosexuality as a disease
Favorite saying: "I'll pray for you."

The Guy You Can't Respond To

Name: Harvey; Hank; Hal
Similar to: Obnoxious Comment Guy, only nicer
Habits: Will make a friendly statement in passing that is impossible to reply to, such as:  "What's the good word?"
Your only possible reaction: Smile; shrug
Walks: Away before you can respond
P.S.: What the hell is the good word, anyway?

The Grubby Mailroom Girl Who Makes You Uncomfortable

Name: Beth; Deb
Appearance: Well, grubby
Routine: Has no desk, is constantly using yours
Location: A little too close to you
Goal: To invite you to lunch
Technique: Asks you several times daily from a distance of two millimeters
Danger: Can spot lies
Is: Very direct
Is not: Keen on washing, apparently

Scattered Species

The Woman Way Too Into Astrology

The Guy Who Raps his Knuckles on Your Desk Each and Every Time he Walks by

"Tod"


And lest anyone think I am being unfair, I have included one last person you may be unlucky enough to encounter...

The Temp

Name: Chris; New Guy
Looks: Confused
Is: Confused
Mental State: Confusion; Horror; Sleepiness
Common response: "Huh?"
What he's most ashamed of: His polite laugh
What he's most proud of: He always has a pen
Advantage: Photographic memory
Disadvantage: Out of film
His dark secret: Can't really type
Beware: He's got a website.

Did I leave anyone out?  Of course I did!  Write in and advise me of any I've missed, and I'll post the best suggestions.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


8-17-00 - Don't I Hate You From Somewhere? - Part One

I was recently glancing through one of my temping books.  Like most of the others, this book makes temping out to be an exciting and diverse career choice, and attempts to prove this by citing specific examples, such as the fact that temps, nomads of the workforce that they are, have the opportunity to meet hundreds of different people over the course of dozens of jobs. 

I agree and disagree with this. 

Yes, you'll work dozens of jobs. Yes, you'll meet hundreds of people. But you won't meet any different people. You'll just meet the same ten or twelve people hundreds of times. 

I've been there. I've met them. I've written them down. 

With few exceptions, here are the people you will find in any and every office in America (Part One).

The Boss

Name: Bob (always)
Height: Intimidating
Nature: Inherently evil
Positive traits: Will never speak to you
Negative Traits: Will walk by when you're doing something embarrassing, such as scratching yourself, repairing your tie with a stapler, or weighing your arm on the mailroom postage scale
Identifying Features: Pockmarks for that extra-evil look

The Boss's Secretary

Name: Gloria; Susan
Age: Old
Arrives at: 4:30 AM
Complains about: Everything
Choice of Calendar: Infants dressed as tomatoes
Superpower: Can mess up any book or movie title, no matter how simple (M is for Burglar; The Man Who Doesn't Have Any Face)
Will miss work for: Rubber Stamp-Art Convention

The Receptionist

Name: Dottie; Terri
Size: Large
Likes: Personal phone calls
Confused by: Computers
Offensive strategy: Knows everything about everyone
Defensive Strategy: Smells like cooked meat
Weakness: Fabio paraphernalia

Obnoxious Comment Guy

Name: Frank; Chuck
Habits: Will make stupid comments with no signs of remorse
Weapon of choice: Repetition
Upon walking into a crowded break-room: "Hey, it's a party! Why wasn't I invited?"
Upon being in an elevator with someone with food: "If the elevator gets stuck, will you share that?"
Upon seeing you:  "Working hard, or hardly working?"
Latest addition:  "WHASSSSUP?"
Refers to coffee as: Regular or Unleaded
Object he should be beaten with: Bat; big rock
Aka: Guy Who Will Never Know the Touch of a Woman

Perky Gal

Name: Kaitney; Kaitlyn; Kim
Aka: Katie-Bear; Kimmy
Attitude: Seemingly inconceivable happiness
Shrill/Not Shrill: Shrill
Musical Equivalent: The B52's
Your first impression: "Boy, she's happy."
About a week later: "No one should be that happy, dammit."
What you'll feel guilty about: Wanting to punch her

The Guy Who Hates You

Name: Dan; Lee
Identifying expressions: Scowl; glare; frown
General Vibe: Hatred
How much he hates you: A lot
Why he hates you: Unknown
Mood on bad day: Angry
Mood on a good day: Seething
Who he's nice to: Everyone but you

The Incomprehensible Foreign Person

First name: Ixhyl; Bing-Chon
Last Name: Hndjaaadjhalli; Ng
Calls himself: Joe
Where he's from: Unknown
What he does: Unknown
Just what the hell he's saying: Unknown

The Weird Girl

Name: Pigeon; Moon
Drives: Original VW Bug
Attire: Flowered dress; boots
Glasses: Horn-rimmed
Smokes: Cloves
Reads: Auras, palms, Rumi
Instructs others on:  Desktop Feng-Shui
Religion she'll constantly remind you she participates in: Pagan
Shaves armpits: Maybe, maybe not

Scattered Species:

The Guy in the Elevator Who Nose-Whistles Louder than the Philharmonic

The Woman With The Incredibly Amazing Body and the Incredibly Hideous Face

The Guy Who Walks Backwards Down the Hall While Carrying on a Shouting Conversation With His Pal and Bumps Into You While You're Carrying Something Heavy


Tomorrow:  More of the same!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


8-14-00 - Something Old, Something New

Regular visitors:  You may notice a new link to the left.  For those of you out there who aren't familiar with the Stile Project... well, all I'll say is it's not exactly safe to visit while you're at work.  He's got a link-exchange thing going on, so I'm jumping right in.

For anyone who may have wandered over here from the Haus of Stile, welcome to Not My Desk, the only temping site on the internet that you happen to be looking at right now.

Something new:  A section called My Desk, where I am going to stick any content that's not temp-related.  Right now, there's not much there, but give me a few weeks, and then a few more, and it should be filled to the brim.  

For instance, check out a Vision of the Future.  Forget about Playstation 2, forget about Nintendo Dolphin, and definitely forget about Microsoft X-Box.  I've seen the future of home electronic gaming... and it's a vision.

Now, some old stuff.  If it's your first time here, let's jump right in with a little temp-related recap from the past few months:


Female temps:  You can get much more out of your temp jobs than just ulcers and a puny paycheck.  It's also a great source of dates.  Take a look at some potential companions you might find on your next assignment.


Ever question your purpose in life?  Ever wonder if you're making a difference?  Ever feel like you could be doing more?  I do, whenever I hear my boss dictating into his tape recorder.  (This link contains a large sound-file, so make sure your speakers are on.)


The memo from Hell.  Written by the assistant manager of a bookstore, no less, this memo may cause you to question your current belief system.  And it's real.  Also, why not check out the rest of the memo gallery while you're here?  Or a few essays?  Don't worry, Stile's poop videos will still be there when you get back.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


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