To navigate Women's Week, pick the day you'd like to visit from the links below. At the end of each update, you can click on the heart image to move to the next chronological entry.
Without further ado, my naked hinder.
Well, okay. Some ado.
First of all, welcome to Day Five of Women's Week! It's been a long few days, I have to say. My current assignment has been one of the busiest and most demanding jobs I've ever had, and every single day has left me quite drained. Wednesday night I came home, flopped down on the couch, and promptly fell asleep. At 1:23am, I awoke with a jerk. After kicking the jerk out of my apartment, I went back to sleep, and at 2:09am, I awoke with a start. I hadn't updated the site!!! I dragged myself to my computer, typed up the first thing I could think of, and then went back to bed.
Last night, almost the same deal. Sat down on the couch at about 6:15pm, blinked once, then awoke in a sprawl at about 9:30pm, face down in the biggest puddle of drool I have ever produced. I must be five pounds lighter from loss of fluids.
So it's been a tough one, a rough one, but it's almost over. Just like Women's Week.
I have, however, enjoyed Women's Week, as I hope you have, and I plan to make this a semi-regular feature. I got some good suggestions from readers who e-mailed me, and I'm already planning the next tribute to female temps, possibly next month.
Second, for any first-time visitors, I don't usually engage in the act of posting pictures of my ass. Generally, this is a temping website. Honest.
Well, a promise is a promise. Here's my butt.
This photo of me was taken in May of 1973. At a mere ten months old, I was already a go-getter. I'm outdoors, I'm standing more or less upright, I'm headed for the kiddie-pool for a few laps despite not knowing how to swim or even keep food in my mouth. Sure, my tiny pants have fallen down. Sure, I've got a baby-gut and a pudgy hinder that appears to contain at least four pounds of cottage cheese. But is that gonna stop me? No way!
I wish I still possessed this die-hard nature. These days, I rarely go outdoors. I don't stand up if I can avoid it, and I won't be swimming again until they invent a waterproof cigarette. If my pants are to fall down, I might summon the energy to pick them back up, but it really depends on where I am at the time.
As is required by law, I fully blame my parents for this change in attitude. After all, I think this moment, captured on film, scarred me for life. There I was, introducing myself to the world, getting out there and living life, and then bang! I inadvertently drop trou. And what do my parents, my providers, my link to society do? They start taking pictures! No doubt I turned to them, seeking help, and witnessed them snapping away like Ansel Adams, laughing all the while, and my spirit was irrevocably crushed. This is what life is? I must have thought. I try to apply myself, and this is what I get? Caught on film with my tiny dink in the wind?
On the other hand, I still drool quite a bit, so perhaps all is not lost.
By the way, if you were expecting pictures of my adult butt, well, let me assure you, I did you a favor.
Besides, it's Women's Week!
And women love babies.
If you've got a uterus, you've come to the right place! It's the fourth day of Women's Week! And what would Women's Week be without a new essay?
Actually, new isn't really the correct word, because this was written some time ago. It was never posted, mostly because it's not particularly temp-related, and sadly, it doesn't even contain any references to female temps. In fact, I'm not sure that women are mentioned in it at any point. So, while it may not be particularly appropriate for a temping website on Women's Week, I'm going to run with it as I have no idea of what else to write tonight.
First, however, some unfinished business I need to attend to. In the review of Carol Feltman's book that was posted the other day (and click here if you haven't seen it yet), there was a long, long list of items every temp should have. One of the items listed was clear nail polish, and as I typed it, a little "Huh?" went off in my head. It seemed odd that Carol should be deciding not only that women should paint their nails, but also dictate the color (if clear can be considered a color).
Anyway, I promptly forgot about it until I got an e-mail from my sister, Nancy. Nancy isn't a temp, but she is a woman, so I figure that its relevant enough to mention here.
Getting e-mail from Nancy is not unusual in itself, as she sends me a great deal of it, mostly with topics like "Fw: Joke of the Day! Funny!" or "Fw:Fwd:Fw:Fw:Fwd: Try this! It Really works!!!" followed by an e-mail where you add up numbers or name vegetables or do some other tedious task which will tell you wonderful things about your personality, before prompting you to forward it to everyone you know or die horribly.
Anyway, Nancy sent me part of an article she spotted in Real Simple, a female-type magazine, which put poor Carol Feltman's list of must-haves to shame. One of the things it mentioned was nail polish, which my sister elaborated on by adding that it was useful for stopping runs in stockings.
Where do you women come up with this stuff?
Weaker sex, my ass. I couldn't lift half of that crap. Frankly, I don't know how you do it.
And speaking of my ass, only one day left before I post a picture of it, sans clothing! Oh, boy!
Here's the essay. Like I said, it's neither relevant to women nor temping, so I altered it slightly to make it fit the week's theme a little better. See if you can spot the place where I slyly slipped in a reference to you female temps. It took a while, but I think it meshes well with the original essay without calling attention to itself.
See you tomorrow!
Welcome back! It's Day Three of Women's Week and we're still going strong. The pledges are still coming in, and we're nearing our goal of... oh, wait. This isn't a pledge drive. Would have been a good idea, though, especially since I paid for my lunch today entirely with change I scrounged out of a co-workers desk.
Today's topic is dating. I had originally announced that it would be some sort of steamy all-male hunky temp photo gallery or something, but I'm hoping that either you don't remember me saying that, or if you do, you'll be understanding to the fact that I was completely talking out of my ass when I said it. Turns out there's only a few really hunky male temps out there, and when I asked if I could photograph them, they punched me. Kind of a relief, really. So, we'll do dating instead.
You may not realize it, but temping can be a great source of potential dates for both male and female temps (I speak here highly in theory). Remember gals, as a temp you're working in a number of different places over a fairly short period of time. Different offices, different parts of town, and exposing yourself (probably not literally) to many different people.
I can tell you that guys who work in offices get quite excited when told that a female temp is starting the next day. The mere words "We're bringing in a temp tomorrow" will cause any guy's head to snap around in the direction of the speaker with enough force to cause whiplash injury. Immediately, they will begin to acquire details about the new temp, first by subtlety trolling for a name. If it's a feminine name, they probe for more information, with questions such as "Is she polite?" or "Has she read the works of Vonnegut?". I'm kidding, of course. They generally just want to know if you have huge breasts.
Still, it's a start. At the very least, I can assure all the female temps out there that even before you arrive at a new job, all the guys will be curious about what you're like.
This leads to an important question: What are the guys like? Who will be working at the next office you temp in? To answer this question, I scoured the America Online personals, filtering for guys who worked in offices. Click the link below to see what I found. Ready? Set? Check your lipstick, ladies...
P.S. I still have no idea what Thursday's content is going to be (Friday is still dedicated to my bare hinder). Some of you have picked up on my subtle hinting and sent in ideas, but I need more! Help a guy out, huh? Send me some e-mail with ideas, opinions, thoughts, comments on how needlessly harsh I was to Carol Feltman in yesterday's review, whatever you want. If it's interesting, I'll post it! Help keep Women's Week afloat!
Set phasers to hug!!! It's Day Two of Women's Week!
Today, a special treat. I've reviewed a temping book called "Temp-tation". The subheading is "An Introduction to Busyness Management." Gack!! How darling can you get? It was, of course, written by a woman, one Carol Feltman, who became a temp after being a housewife and stay-home mom for seventeen years. While it certainly is admirable that she would strive to re-enter the job market after all that time, I just wish she didn't have to be so darn fussy about it. You'll see what I mean when you read the review, which you can do by clicking here.
So, what's in store for the rest of the week?
Wednesday: Come on back and we'll take a look at how temping can be an honest-to-goodness dating service for you impetuous gals.
Thursday... well, I still have no idea what's going on here Thursday.
Friday: My naked ass.
See you then!
Welcome to Women's Week! Five full days of topics and information directed at all those female temps out there who probably aren't reading this.
I got a company-wide e-mail the other day, relating to safety tips for women, so I thought I'd go over some of the more interesting points. The sender, a woman herself, said she had attended a personal safety workshop conducted by an FBI agent and former celebrity bodyguard. Now, I don't know if it's the words of this FBI agent or the translation of them by the woman who wrote the e-mail, but some of these safety tips seem a tad, well, insulting towards women. Others seem, well, stupid. But, hey, what do I know?
Let's jump right in, shall us?
The three reasons women are easy targets for acts of violence are:
1. Lack of awareness (you MUST know where you are and what's going on around you).
Yes, you ditzy chicks. I know you've got a lot on your mind, like nail-polish and shoes and Tom Cruise and Beverly Hill 90210 and baby clothes, but if you want to be safe, focus on where you are.
2. Body language (keep your head up, swing your arms, and stand straight up).
Do this at ALL TIMES. In the grocery store, crowded subways, movie theaters... always be standing and swinging your arms, even WHEN YOU'RE NOT WALKING. Even when SLEEPING. ALWAYS.
3. Women have a tendency to get into their cars shopping, eating, working, etc, and just sit (some women do their checkbook, or make a list, etc). DON'T DO THIS.
Man, can't you just hear this FBI guy's condescending tone? Sheesh.
Most women I know spend 6-8 hours sitting in their cars eating, making lists, bathing, etc. I don't know why they even have apartments. Silly women.
A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. Check under the car as well.
Okay. I can see checking the inside of the car before you get in. But under the car? First of all, if some deviant is dumb enough to hide under a car, he deserves to be run over. Second, why is it not okay to sit in your car for more than a millisecond, yet this FBI agent would have you crawling around on all fours, peering underneath it? Wouldn't this be an excellent time for some crook to attack? Also, what if he's a teeny criminal, and hiding in the glove box? What then, Mr. Smarty FBI Person Man?
Do not get on an elevator if there is a weirdo already on there.
Man, I would never get to my desk if I followed that rule.
If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS run! POLICE only make 4 of 10 shots when they are in range of 3-9 feet. This is due to stress.
Okay. I can appreciate that a policeman might be stressed. It's gotta be a demanding job. I'm just not sure what it has to do with missing a shot. "Bob, you missed that guy you shot at." "Well, I've got that review coming up next week..."
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
Does this make anyone feel better? At all? Besides, I consider all my organs vital.
As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT, it may get you killed.
Yeah. I feel sorry for sympathetic women.
The FBI agent went on to list the three most vulnerable spots on an attacker's body. The eyes were first, then the neck, and then the knees. But no mention of the, um... you know. The area. I mean, over the course of my life, I've been poked in the eyes, punched in the neck, and kicked in the knee. But let me tell you, it doesn't even come close to the pain of taking a shot in the marbles. Women, if you're gonna kick something, kick those. Just my opinion.
Never let yourself or anyone that you know be a "closer" in any type of business (bar, store, restaurant, gas station). DON'T be walking alone in an alley, or driving in a bad neighborhood at night.
You know, I really wish life were perfect. I wish no one had to close stores late at night, and that no one had to walk down dark alleys or drive through bad neighborhoods. But come on. A lot of us have to do these things, because we live down dark alleys in bad neighborhoods. If you work retail, you have to work closing shifts late at night. It's just the way it is. And if you're a temp, you're going to be working in all sorts of neighborhoods you're unfamiliar with. It's something everyone has to do at some point in their lives, and there's no real way around it.
So, did I mention that on Friday I'll be posting a picture of my naked butt?
Yes! It's almost Women's Week here at Not My Desk, a full week of celebrating female temps everywhere. Their courage, determination, and outstanding contributions to temporary employment (except for that bitch Cheryl, I mean, can you believe her hair?? And could her skirt be any shorter? Slut.)
Here's the line-up for the week to come:
Monday: Safety tips for female temps
Tuesday: Girly stuff of Some Sort
Wednesday: A photo gallery of the hottest male temps in the industry! Yow!
Thursday: Something I haven't thought of yet.
Friday: A photo exclusive - a picture of my NAKED BUTT. Yes, you heard me right. I will post an actual photo of my BARE ASS. I'm not kidding. Don't miss it, ladies!!
7-15-00 - In Cars
According to a recent report, the US temporary workforce is 72 percent female. You know. With breasts and stuff.
Of these 72 percent, exactly zero percent have asked me out on dates. And, checking the traffic logs for this website, even fewer visit notmydesk.com with any regularity.
Therefore, in an effort to appeal to a broader range of, um, broads, we here at Not My Desk are pleased to announce Women's Week. That's right, next week will be entirely dedicated to all the female temps out there, and will feature women-related updates, news, articles, and pictures. Got estrogen? Then pop in for five days of fun, flowers, and fancy!
For those male temps out there, well, bear with me while I coddle the chicks. Besides, I'm about to dish some info on a topic near and dear to anyone with testicles: cars.
If you're a temp, you damn well better own a car. Sure, you can make do with public transportation, bicycles, and (shudder) carpools if you must, but if you're gonna be a truly flexible temp, you need your own wheels. When that phone rings at 8am, you never know where your agency is going to tell you to go, or how much time you'll have to get there.
I have my own car, a black 1990 Ford Probe. Sure, it's a little old, doesn't have the pick-up it once did, and is apparently named after a catheter. Still, it gets me where I need to go, those hard-to-reach locations that every temp finds him or herself directed to every once in a while.
However, I've been noticing that nearly everyone I know has a much newer car than I do, and I've decided it's time to retire the Probe and get myself a new ride. Of course, a car is a costly investment, and I'm not willing to settle for leasing something or buying a used car.
Therefore, I have decided to win a car.
How hard can it be? If you enter enough raffles or give-aways or drawings or contests, you've got to eventually win something, right? And if I only enter the ones that give away cars, eventually I will have to win one. It makes sense unless you think about it.
So far, I'm entered in three car give-aways, and I plan to enter more. Many more.
The first is through my current job, where they are giving away a new VW Beetle as part of a fund-raiser. I bought a ticket for one hundred dollars, which is a lot, I know, but it's for a good cause, and the raffle is limited to only 500 people. Any other car-lotteries I enter will be free ones.
I entered a second one the other day. It was one of those where you see the car parked in a plaza or mall, with tables surrounding it. You write down your name, address and phone number on a card and stick it in a box. While you never hear if you won the car or not, you are forever swamped with junk mail and sales calls. I'm not even sure what kind of car it was, some sleek sporty deal which I didn't really inspect since I was late for the bus.
The third offer for a free car came in the mail, from a web-hosting company. It provided me with a phone number, as well as a "secret" number. I'm supposed to call the phone number, give them my "secret" number, and they'll tell me if I won the car or not. So far, I've been on hold with them the entire time I've been writing this update. Frankly, my neck is in a great deal of pain from holding the phone between my ear and my shoulder while typing. You think a temp would be used to this.
In the meantime, you can check my car-winning progress by clicking here, which will take you to the Not My Desk Win-A-Car Journal page. I will update it daily, and let you know the instant I win a car.
7-13-00 - News/Updates
Well, this is kind of a change.
I decided to mess around with the site a little. Try to give it a new look, make it a trifle more, I dunno, interesting or something. So far, only this main page has been changed, but if I decide I like the look of it, I will modify the rest of the site to reflect this look. Whatever "look" this is. Stark? Barren? Typical? I'm not sure. I'm just trying to keep myself amused and try new things out.
Those big words over on the left are links, just like the ones that used to be in a bar at the top and bottom of each page. You can click them and they will take you around the site. You may notice there is no longer a News/Updates link, that is because the news and updates will now take place right here. If you're looking for any updates from the past few days or weeks, the News/Updates page still exists and will stay up for a while until I move it over to the archives. For now, you can click here to visit it. If you're all caught up on the latest, you don't need to check it anymore, just come here to the main page.
If for any reason at all you want to see what the main page used to look like, click the word "wanker" and you can look at it.
There are some new sections I've been thinking about introducing, and when (if) I do, links will appear over on the left with the rest of the stuff.
In case you're wondering, the font I'm using now is "Verdana", and the font of the links on the left and in the new title logo is something called Candy Sniper, which I found over at Fontpool.com. It said it was freeware, so hopefully that means I can steal it and use it however I want to. I threw it into my lame image utility and did a bit of a paint-splatter type thing, which makes the little dots, and thickens and distorts the font a bit. I'm not sure if I like it yet or not.
If you weren't wondering about the fonts, then skip the paragraph you just read.
Obviously, this is nowhere near done, but any early feedback would be appreciated. Send me some e-mail by clicking the "e-mail" link in the left column, which I'm not even sure works, now that I come to think about it. If it doesn't, send me mail at: email@example.com.
Tomorrow, I'll be back to writing about temp stuff, and I have what will hopefully be something fun going on next week.
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