Movies | Video Games

The Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn: The Movie

(The following post originally appeared on my old gaming blog, The First-Person Shouter)

If you follow my Twitter, you already know I’m very excited about a game called Merchants of Brooklyn. [Edit: it's now called Drug Wars.] Here are some excepts from the game’s description:

In 3100 A.D., global warming has caused the sea level to rise and engulf the streets of Brooklyn. The land is gone, but society rebuilds the city on top of existing structures, connecting buildings through a network of sky bridges…

To meet the upper city’s demand for laborers, city leaders contract the Brooklyn Institute of Technology (B.I.T.) to clone a new working class…. Neanderthals were chosen as the main focus of the research based on their physical resilience. The city’s contract called for far more Neanderthal clones than were required, causing the excess and sub-standard Neo-Neanderthals to be discarded to the dregs of the city…

…You take the role of an elite Neanderthal fighter with a taste for blood. Having had your arm unwillingly detached from your body courtesy of a chainsaw, your new prototype biomechanical arm transforms into different twisted and brutal weaponry to aid you in the slaughter…

That is quite simply the most awesome description of a game I’ve ever read. It’s so fucking awesome I don’t even dare check out the game itself, because in no way could it ever live up to that description. I can’t look at screenshots or videos or read reviews or anything that might take away from the perfect concept of cloned cavemen building sky bridges in future Brooklyn. No matter what the game actually is, it will never equal the images flooding through my brain.

But I want to do something with this game, so, I’m going to take the only logical step left: I’m going to write a screenplay for the movie adaptation of Merchants of Brooklyn.

And here it is:

THE CLONED CAVEMEN OF FUTURE BROOKLYN
Based on the description of the video game “Merchants of Brooklyn”
Adapted for film by Christopher Livingston


FADE IN:

EXT. BROOKLYN, NY: 3100 A.D.

We see Brooklyn, NY, half-submerged in water. A large, bulky figure stands with his back to us, staring out over the water.

VOICE OVER

My name? Caveman. Jake Caveman. This is Brooklyn. In the year 3100.

He turns and we see that he is a caveman.

VOICE OVER

You must be wondering why. Why is there a caveman in the future. I’m starting to wonder myself…

The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes, and we:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE

CAPTION: ONE YEAR AGO

We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window of his penthouse atop a skyscraper. He peers down at Brooklyn.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

My beloved city, Brooklyn, of which I am the President. And it’s covered in water.

A SCIENTIST enters the penthouse.

SCIENTIST

Mr. President? You have to make a decision, sir.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Fine. What are my options?

SCIENTIST

Well, due to global warming, Brooklyn is covered in water. We should abandon it.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

No one is abandoning Brooklyn. Not on my watch.

SCIENTIST

The other option would be to build on top of the existing buildings, and connect the new buildings with a network of sky bridges.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Sold. But who will undertake such dangerous work? We can’t risk the lives of the rich and greedy by making them build dangerous sky bridges.

SCIENTIST

I would suggest we have robots do it.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Robots? That will never work. Robots are useless. What kind of scientist are you, anyway?

SCIENTIST

Okay… How about we clone cavemen and make them do it?

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

To the lab!

CUT TO:

INT. ARENA

JAKE CAVEMAN is fighting another caveman in an arena.

VOICE OVER

By day, I build networks of sky bridges, like all the other cavemen. By night, I make extra money by fighting in the arena, like all the other cavemen.

JAKE CAVEMAN kills the other caveman, and the audience, all cavemen, cheer.

VOICE OVER

The more caveman I kill, the further I feel from the Neolithic Period. But why? What led to this?

The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’S eyes and we:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE

CAPTION: THREE MONTHS AFTER ONE YEAR AGO

We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

How is the network of sky bridges coming along?

SCIENTIST

Incredibly well. As I suspected, cavemen are extremely adept at building networks of sky bridges.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

So, no problems?

SCIENTIST

Well, we did have a setback. One caveman had his arm cut off with a chainsaw.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN slams his fists down on his desk.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Dammit! We were so close to making this work.

SCIENTIST

It’s okay, we have, like, thousands of spare cavemen. Too many, really. We’ll just get rid of him and replace him with one of the many, many extra cavemen we have.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Not on my watch. I want that caveman fixed and back to work tomorrow. Give him a new robot arm that turns into different weapons.

SCIENTIST

Whuh, why… why does the arm need to turn into weapons? He’s just a caveman who is helping build a network of
sky bridges.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Just do it!!

SCIENTIST

I thought you didn’t even like robots.

CUT TO:

INT. JAKE CAVEMAN’S APARTMENT

JAKE CAVEMAN is making love to FAITH CAVEMAN, a sexy caveman woman.

FAITH CAVEMAN

Oh, Jake… you’re not like all the other cavemen.

JAKE CAVEMAN

You mean because of my robot arm that turns into different weapons?

FAITH CAVEMAN

No… it’s the way you keep having flashbacks about the President that you weren’t even there to witness.

Suddenly, a pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers bursts into the apartment, brandishing handkerchiefs and cups of tea. JAKE CAVEMAN’s arm turns into a gatling laser gun and he kills the entire pack of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers.

FAITH CAVEMAN

Oh, Jake! You were so brave when you killed all those 16th Century Tudor Courtiers. They’re everywhere these days. But where are they all coming from?

The camera pushes in to JAKE CAVEMAN’s eyes.

FAITH CAVEMAN

See, you’re doing it again.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE

CAPTION: THREE WEEKS AFTER FOUR MONTHS BEFORE A FEW DAYS AGO

We see THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN staring out of the window. The SCIENTIST enters.

SCIENTIST

Sir, we have a problem. The cavemen have stopped working on the networks of sky bridges and are spending all their time doing battle with thousands of 16th Century Tudor Courtiers that are suddenly everywhere.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Yes… so much violence… but I’m afraid it’s necessary.

SCIENTIST

Sir… do you… do you know something about all these 16th Century Tudor Courtiers?

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I cloned them. I cloned… all of them.

SCIENTIST

You… you madman! You used my caveman cloning research, didn’t you? My scientific research on
how to clone cavemen and make them build networks of sky bridges, and you used it to clone 16th Century Tudor Courtiers and make them fight the cavemen? But why? For what purpose?

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

You couldn’t understand. Only… only the President of a sinking city could understand.

SCIENTIST

I’m shutting it down. All of it! This madness ends here!

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN draws a pistol from his jacket.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I’m afraid I can’t allow that.

SCIENTIST

No… no!

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN pulls the trigger.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. TOP OF HIGHEST SKY BRIDGE

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN is standing on the top of the highest sky bridge in Brooklyn. He looks down at his half-submerged, war-torn city, and grins bitterly.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I thought it was about time we met.

From the shadows, JAKE CAVEMEN steps into view. His robot arm is in the shape of a spiked electro-nunchuck.

JAKE CAVEMAN

I just want to know why. Why cavemen. Why sky bridges. Why everything.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

I suppose you’re going to kill me now.

JAKE CAVEMAN

The thought had crossed my mind.

JAKE CAVEMAN lunges. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN spins around and fires a shot from his gun. JAKE CAVEMAN collapses onto the top of the sky bridge.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

You fool. What hope could you possibly have of understanding this. You’re just a caveman.

JAKE CAVEMAN, bloodied and weak, turns his robot arm into a steam-powered cat-o-nine-tails, but THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN shoots the robot arm and it breaks.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

Did you think I’d forgotten about your robot arm that can turn into different weapons? Did you really think
I’d forget that?

JAKE CAVEMAN

You did… forget… one thing…

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

And what’s that?

JAKE CAVEMAN

That I have… another… arm.

JAKE CAVEMAN swings his normal arm around and knocks THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN off the edge of the sky bridge. THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN manages to grab onto one of the sky bridge thingies that juts out, and hangs there by one hand.

THE PRESIDENT OF BROOKLYN

My mother always said one day I’d be killed by a caveman on a sky bridge.

He falls hundreds of stories into the water where he is impaled on the pointy part of an old building that is just sticking up out of the water. The building explodes.

JAKE CAVEMAN

That’s gotta hurt.

A horribly shitty rap soundtrack starts playing.

THE END

Comments

  1. Belinda says:

    What a classic. It just gets funnier every time I read it.

  2. I can’t wait until the sequel, Cloned Cavemen Of Future Brooklyn 2: Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn Go To Hollywood.

    • Don’t forget the inevitable threequel, Cloned Cavemen Of Future Brooklyn 2: Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn Go To Hollywood 2: Escape from L.A

  3. This is probably the greatest screenplay I’ve ever read.

  4. RichBillionaire says:

    How much money do I have to pay to make this real.

  5. I actually wrote lyrics for that horribly shitty rap soundtrack, back in the day. Is it sad that I can repeat them from memory?

    Cavemen, MOTHERF***ERS!
    (Listen up to my sound)
    We livin’ here in BROOKLYN
    (Take a good look around)
    We gotta build SKY BRIDGES
    (Yeah, all over this town)
    You better hold ON TIGHT
    (Cause shit’s about to go down)
    Woo!

    In the vats at BIT’s where we was born and raised
    When they said to build those bridges we was hardly fazed
    Neolithic engineering, just one flaw in their plan
    Shoulda known they couldn’t handle this much real caveman

    My man Jake’s a PIT FIGHTER
    (I’m a killer, ain’t no lie)
    Arm lost by to CHAINSWAW
    (Shoulda seen the other GUY)
    So they made him CYBORG
    (Didn’t really tell me why)
    Shit turns into DIFFERENT WEAPONS
    (Hundred ways to make’em die)

    So they say the city’s sinking but we work all the while
    Days spent building, nights spent fighting, true neanderthal style
    Tudor Courtiers in my grill, man- taking tea breaks? Bitch, please
    Spend my time in the museum, hanging with the OCs

  6. Nonomu198 says:

    Hehe, I remember the rap. This classic has proven to survive the test of time. And of being re-read for the fourth time.

    The President of Brooklyn should be played by Morgan Freeman, just sayin’.

  7. It’s weird how on Gamefaqs, the PS3 and Xbox versions are still called Merchants of Brooklyn. Perhaps PC gamers possess a quality that motivates them to suggest such changes on Gamefaqs while leaving the console users in ignorance, waiting for a game called something when there will never be a game called that. Also, this was very amusing.

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