To The Death! | Video Games

To The Death! (Match One; Round Three)

Good evening and welcome to another edition of “To The Death!” Today’s match-up is round three of Alyx, Barney and Father Grigori versus the formidable Antlion Guard. Dog called in useless.

The last two rounds were clear, easy victories for the Antlion Guard, so we’ve altered the circumstances for round three. Speaking of three…

…we’ve got three Grigoris…

…three Barneys…

and three Alyx Vances. Can a single Antlion Guard still reign victorious against these odds?

We’ve also scattered some cars and crates around to level the playing field. You heard me: we’ve leveled the playing field by piling a bunch of junk on the playing field. This will slow the Antlion Guard down, and provide some cover if the battle spreads outside the structure. Let’s begin!

The Antlion takes a massive amount of gunfire during its charge to the doorway, then has to stop to clear a path for itself.

Which doesn’t take very long. The crate is smashed and the car is flung completely out of frame by one flick of the Antlion’s nose.

Once inside, it works on hammering one unfortunate Alyx against the wall, while another Alyx, a Barney, and a handful of Grigoris riddle it with gunfire. They can’t stop it from putting one Alyx down for the count, however.

Another Alyx, seeing her clone fall, rushes to the exact same spot, thoughtfully allowing the AG to continue wiping out the Vance genetic line without changing its position.

With two Alyxs down, it turns on the Calhoun brothers, knocking them around for a bit. The Grigoris have kept their distance so far, and Alyx, despite two of her own biting the dust, has remained within range at all times.

Which probably isn’t the best idea. Settling for killing one Barney, the Guard, spraying Antlion puddin’ everywhere, lets the other two Calhouns escape out the doorway, and heads straight for Alyx to pick up the spare.

Alyx takes a hit and then wisely slips outside, while the Antlion turns its sights on a trio of mad monks. A Barney has also slipped in the other doorway and joins in with his AR2.

A Grigori goes down! And then another! The Antlion Guard is focused on taking all the shotguns out of this fight at once. Even as Alyx reappears through the doorway, it’s clear the Myrmidont has developed a taste for baldy blood.

Clouds of Antlion gunk fill the air as the remaining Grigori can do nothing but await his fate. He is quickly plowed to death, leaving the match with two Barneys and one Alyx remaining.

They’re still doing damage, however. The gunfire has been non-stop for this entire battle, and the Antlion Guard has to be feeling it. Even though its sheared down the odds, there are still two pulse rifles and that weird pistol Alyx has, sending round after round into its hide. Squirty!

The battles spills out into the courtyard. One Barney takes cover behind a car – possibly not a wise move as it’s the same car the AG brushed aside just moments before on its way in. Another Barney is stuck between a rock and a hard place, the hard place being the Antlion Guard’s beak and the rock being the crate. Or maybe reversed. Whatever. He is definitely between a thing and another thing, is the point.

In a shocking act of betrayal, one Barney has abandoned the other! You’d never see that kind of thing back in the old Black Mesa days, when all the Barneys looked out for one another. The first Barney ran back into the structure, while the second ties its shoes in fear. The crate is smashed flat, the AG is charging, but, what’s this?

The one remaining Alyx Vance has circled back inside and empties a clip into the Antlion’s hiney! And… and…

Down goes Antlion! Down goes Antlion! The Barneys win the pennant! The Barneys win the pennant! And other famous sports calls!

Yes, it appears Alyx has the killshot, fired from among two of her own corpses. Our trio of trios has won, demonstrating that humans can triumph over giant bugs, eventually, provided they dabble in ungodly genetic replication.

Unfortunately for our remaining heroes, today’s match was in the Antlion’s home stadium, and angry fans rush the field.

All that was recovered were two of Barney’s fingers, and a purple thong, which we believe belonged to one of the Grigoris.

That’s it for our first Match, with the Antlion Guards taking two rounds of three. Next time we’ll start over and have some brand new opponents to shred each other up.