To The Death! | Video Games

To The Death! (Match One; Round Two)

Our first “To The Death!” featured Alyx, Barney, Dog, and Father Grigori against the tough-as-nails Antlion Guard in all-out, non-posed, spawn-menu combat, and the result was this:

dead monk
Ouch! The Antlion Guard slaughtered his foes without even working up a sweat. To even the odds a bit this time around, I’ve placed the humans and big useless robot indoors.



Here, Barney and Alyx can fire upon the Guard through windows while avoiding the ever-so-deadly direct charge of the massive Myrmidont.

Covering the two doorways into the structure are Dog (this time sans banana), and Grigori with his trusty shotgun.

Let’s see if they can hold the Antlion Guard at bay long enough to bring him (or, I guess, her) down! Once again, none of this stuff is posed, this is just straight AI combat between spawned NPC’s. I do enough goddamn ragdoll posing as it is. Right! Is everybody ready?

face off
antlion going in
Though taking immediate, heavy fire from Barney and Alyx at the windows, and the Padre from the door, the Antlion wastes no time in finding the nearest doorway and shuffling his bulk inside. Grigori, smartly, retreats, while Barney hustles over from his window to confront the beast.

antlion going in
Kablooie! Barney fires round after round of whatever his gun fires and the Antlion Guard spurts whatever it is filled with. Still, the Antlion is inside the structure now, and can make its deadly attacks – but will the confined quarters hamper its movement, or just make things harder for the humans… and the robot, which is… somewhere. Doing something, or more likely, doing nothing.

It’s mayhem inside the construct shelter, as Barney empties his pulse rifle into the Antlion, Alyx chips in from a safe distance, and Grigori apparently pulls spent shells from his shotgun with his teeth.

grigori wha?
Seriously, what the hell is the padre doing? The way his head is tucked down in front of him, he looks like he’s either jamming a guitar solo or got his nostrils caught in the shottie hammers. What a freak.

While Grigori works on his troubling head problem, Alyx moves around for a flanks and Barney takes one for the team, sailing through the air in an upright and locked position, meaning he should have no trouble with his landing.

Alyx has run right out the door with the Guard hot on her heels, and now she attempts to beat the creature at its own head-butting game. Brave girl. Dumb, but brave. It really, really does not go well for Alyx from this point on.

Clomping back inside, the enraged AG simply plows through Grigori and heads for Barney, who is still gamely firing away, though not for long, as he is killed moments later.

Oh, yeah, and the Antlion Guard found Dog standing there doing nothing and brutally killed him. Like that’s a surprise.

Alyx’s body is found after some investigation, an impressive distance from the doorway she was last seen near. That Antlion Guard is definitely not one to butt heads with.

And so, Round Two goes to the Antlion Guard, with another concise victory! It raises one of its weird foreclaws and pumps it in triumph, or perhaps scratches its beak.

Can any combination of our three (well, technically four) heroes defeat this marauding behemoth? We’ll try it again one more time, to see if there’s anything we can do to tip the odds the other way. Like maybe, oh, I dunno…

Join us for the third and final round of the match next week! I guarantee it’ll be three times the action. Until then…

Dead Barney says bye-bye!