To The Death! | Video Games

To The Death! (Round Three, Match One)

As the saying goes, “No man is an island.”

Especially not this dork. However, he is on an island, the island in the lagoon of the gm_construct map.

And with that awkward set-up, you’re probably asking “But wait — why is Dr. Kleiner on this island? Why is he anywhere on the map, seeing as how he can’t even fight?” Good question. See, I thought I might try a little bodyguard action, a little VIP treatment…

…courtesy of Gordon Frohman. Three of them, in fact, each armed with a different weapon.

One has the powerful Combine pulse rifle, or AR2.

Another has the shotgun.

And the third has the sub-machine gun.

Why all this protection, you might ask? Frankly, you’re asking a lot of questions today. Shut up.

And meet the enemy.

We’ve got seven of these feisty buggers lined up on one side of the lagoon…

…and seven on the other side, for a grand total of 14 antlions (standard issue). They come armed with razor sharp pincers and teeth, not to mention they can fly, which allows them to cross the water like no other monster in Half-Life 2 can.

Will our Fighting Frohmen be able to protect the absent-minded and defenseless Dr. Kleiner? There’s only one way to find out!

A horrible buzzing noise fills the air, followed by the winged antlions as they carve deadly parabolas across the sky, descending upon the tiny desert island. The Frohmen open fire as Kleiner looks on in horror, or perhaps the gentle bafflement he generally uses when looking on.

It’s mere seconds before the antlions have touched down on terra firma… or is that TERROR firma? No, it’s terra firma, according to Webster’s.

But the Frohmen are prepared. Blasting away with three types of ammo, it’s not long before the first wave of aliens are crumpled heaps of exoskeleton, and choking clouds of antlion innards fill the air. Kleiner innocently greets the newly arrived antlions like a host at at Chili’s, while still more aliens buzz their way over to the island like insectile helicopters, and the bodies of the dead float away like giant dead floating bugs.

Back, you bugs! The next wave has landed on the sandy shore and scuttle up, fangs bared, only to be met with several shotgun blasts and one perplexed physicist.

Yet still they keep coming. So far, Kleiner has yet to be injured and the Frohmen are holding their own, double-teaming the remaining scattered antlions.

But just when things seem safe, a wounded antlion manages to sink in a pincer, and the Frohman with the SMG slumps over in death! NOOOOOOOOOO!

There is little time to mourn, however, as a holdout chooses that moment to make an airborne attack.

It is safely blown out of the air by a shotgun blast, cascading giblets onto Kleiner’s bald, clueless head, while the Frohman with the AR2 mops up a couple stragglers on the shore.

Gotta love my boy Frohman, wading into the depths for a clear shot at a cowardly (ant)lion who never made it across the water.

And with the final antlion crumpling into a heap, our match is over. We lost one Frohman, but not in vain: Kleiner survived and may continue a life of peering at computers and saying vaguely scientific things.

At least until the rematch.