To The Death! (Round Two; Match One)

Welcome to another round of To The Death! We’re ready for another bout of spawn-combat, brought to you on the gm_construct map of Garry’s Mod. No posing of ragdolls, no pulling of punches, just lots and lots of of frenzied killing.

Now. If you were to examine the business model of the local Combine concern, you’d see they succeed due to a strict adherence to a carefully regimented hierarchy. At the top of the heap, you’ve got the Combine Advisor, followed by Dr. Breen, then probably Striders, Gunships, Attack Choppers, Drop Ships, Combine Elite, Combine Soldiers, and then the lowly Metro Cop. Though, I suppose Manhacks and Scanners would be lower down the ladder than the Metro Cops. And, I guess Stalkers would have to fit in there somewhere, too. And gun turrets! And that British lady who makes those PA announcements. Ooh, forgot about the APCs, too. Huh, I’ll have to actually sit down and make a real org chart someday.

Anyway! We’re going to be picking three officers from the Metro Cops today, lowest of the bipedal Combine, otherwise known as Civil Protection, or CPs. These members of the thin black line will be meeting the lowest rung of the bipedal zombies, the common Headcrab Zombie.

Fifteen of them, in fact.

The cops will be armed with standard issue pistols with 18-round clips, the zombies have a primary attack of a claw swipe (sometimes a double-claw swipe), and a secondary attack of dying and having their headcrabs leave their body and leap at their enemies. They also have a special attack which involves swiping at an object in their path and turning it into a projectile. Plus, sometimes when they get cut in half, the upper halves of them crawl forward and continue attacking.

With all those different attacks, and 5-to-1 odds, how do our officers even have a chance? Well, it all boils down to the arena.

The zombies are slow and don’t have much range, and they’ll have to navigate around the junked cars through a couple bottlenecks. The officers will have plenty of time to put some lead in them, and couple hits on the explosive barrels scattered around could definitely help even the odds.

To the Death begins…. NOW! Zombies:

LLLLLLLLET’S GET READY TO SHAMBLLLLLLLLLLE! The zombies lurch forward, approaching the wrecked cars and crates in their path. And then they… they just sorta lurch around in circles for a bit. Not… not really smashing through, Dawn of the Dead style. Well, no matter! Let’s see what the cops are up to!

Well, the cops are firing away, but most of their shots are simply hitting the cars directly in front of them, or thudding into the crates. No one is getting hurt. No one is getting dead!

The uneventful lurching of the zombies continues for a while. A long while. Moans fill the air, but are they from the zombies or the bored crowd? Well, they’re… they’re from the zombies, of course, but I’m trying to make a point.

But what’s this? A breakaway! One zombie is attempting to push through the blockade! Got a good headcrab on his shoulders, that one. He’s the smartest zombie in the crowd, and I’ve always thought about him.

And he is immediately shot dead. Ah, well.

He did not die in vain, however! Spurred on by the heroic death of their comrade in claws, the rest of the zombies pour through the breach, amid some dangerous explosive barrels.

And kaboom. Two barrels go off, taking out a handful of zombies at once.

And setting another barrel ablaze.

Which explodes, setting three more ablaze. Behind the cops.

Uh, whoops. Two officers down. Let’s see how the back-up is doing.

Well, he’s certainly backed up. His back against the wall, he stands there, oddly not firing his pistol. Is he shell-shocked at the sight of his two pals being taken out? Has his neural implant failed? Is he a pacifist? Is he just remarkably dumb?

Well, the zombies don’t care. Knocking things around, they advance, snarling, eager to put an end to the match so they can get back to all the gurgling and shambling they have planned for the afternoon.

Um… officer? You may want to fire your pistol. At some point.

Officer! That point would be right now! Fire your weapon!

Ohhhhh, dear.

Welp. There’s always one rookie who freezes up, right?

Well, it’s a decisive victory for the zombies today. Despite their slow start, they caught some lucky breaks when two officers were killed by poorly placed barrels, and the other one simply didn’t bring his A-game. Or, any game. We’ll try this match-up again with a couple modifications, and see if the officers can come back with a better strategy. Here’s a sneak-peek of Match Two, Round Two:

Zoikes! You can read the full report next Tuesday!