To The Death! | Video Games

To The Death! (Round Two, Match Two)

Hi! We’re back with the second match-up of fifteen headcrab zombies versus three Metro Cops. Things didn’t go too well for the Boys from the Citadel last time, so we’ve changed the playing field a tad, by removing some of the barrels from their side of the car barricade.

Since we’re hoping our cops will stick around a little longer this time, we’ve also marked them for easy identification during the fray, and hopefully differentiated them from one another and given them some personality. For instance:

Using the Garry’s Mod Paint tool, we’ve shot some bird crap on this CP’s back, and shall fondly call him “Doots” for the duration of today’s match.

This cop I tried marking with a beer stain, but it just discolored his entire body a sort of pale yellow. Thus, he was liberally daubed with Antlion blood. I think I’ll still name him “Boozy”, however.

This is the “Snot” paint marking, but it’s a little bright to resemble anything that came out of someone’s nose, unless that nose was dosed with generous amounts of plutonium. So, let’s just call him “Trent.”

We’re ready! We’re set! Let’s all kill each other!

Showing little of the sluggishness of the original match, the zombies wade in and immediately begin knocking things around. Swinging with their claws, they slap crates and explosive barrels (Crate and Explosive Barrel would be a good name for a store in City 17) around as if they (the crates and barrels) were toys.

Doots, meanwhile, opens fire with deadly accuracy, provided he’s aiming for the wheel well of that 1981 Plymouth Horizon (incidentally, my first car).

As Boozy and Trent open fire, the zombies send one crate sailing between them.

The cops haven’t hit much besides the cars, and the barrels, intact, are slowly rolled through the bottleneck by the shambling zombies. In fact, three or four of the barrels are suddenly compressed into a very small space. But, I can’t imagine anything bad happening.

The impulse to yell “OH THE HUMANITY!” is quite overpowering at this point. However, this is a battle of parasite-controlled zombies and Nazi-like Combine troopers, so as far as I can tell, there is very little actual humanity on display.

Ah, what the hell. OH THE HUMANITY!

Seriously, check out all the zombie legs and torsos a-flingin’ around. Here’s the shot, full-size. That’s pretty cool.

Unfortunately for the cops, they too are caught in the massive blast. All of them. This one is over before it even got started.

Only three or four zombies survive, amid a scattered pile of their pals. And when I say scattered…

…I ain’t kiddin’. I’d love to show you some pictures of the sprawled and scorched bodies of Doots, and, um… Beery, was it? And… well, I can’t remember the memorable third cop’s name. Not that it matters, as there is absolutely no sign of their bodies, and I looked everywhere.

Okay! That brings a sudden, shocking end to Match Two. Might have to tweak the setup for Match Three. Just a bit.