return to screencuisine

spinn | zomp | lore | lance | dave

Fitness Week
Site Archives
First Blood
Essay Archives
Field Guide:
Deskless Jobs
Field Guide Archives
Office Playground
Reviews Archives
My Desk:
Diff'rent Spokes
My Desk Archives
Vision of the Future:
Smurf Rescue
VotF Archives
Reflections -  See bottom of page for downloadable zip file
Diversions Archive
Other Features:
Kids Page
Interview:  MST3K's Mary Jo Pehl
The Temp Test
Hall of Henchmen
Art Page
Message Board

12-19-01 - No One Beats The Whizz

No.  It's not modern art.  It's a bathroom.  A tiny little bathroom.

Really.  See below.

I went to a bar to watch part of a football game this weekend, and after consuming approximately seventy-five gallons of beer, I had to whizz somethin' powerful.  So, I headed to the loo.

Here I am, as represented by the blue dot, just peeing away, happy as can be.

Of course, nothing is that simple.  Just as I am finishing up, another guy comes into the restroom.  A big guy.  A really, really big guy.

No, this isn't going to get erotic.


As I turn to leave my urinal and return to the bar for more drinking, I am faced with the situation pictured above.  The really huge guy has taken up a position at the other urinal.  He starts whizzing, as one might expect.

So, he's, like, whizzing.  For a long time.  There's not enough room to squeeze past him, and I'm, like, done.  I'm done with my whizzing.  So, I'm just kind of stuck there.

I feel like a doof, and he won't acknowledge me in any way, not that I'm sure I'd want him to.  But, I dunno, if he could just say something, like, "Sorry, gotcha blocked in there, huh?"  And then I could laugh, and then I wouldn't feel like such a schmuck.  But, he says nothing like that.  He's concentrating solely on the 'zing.

And he's a big guy.  Big guys hold a hell of a lotta whizz.  And he's just taking forever.  And I'm just standing there, trying not to watch him or anything, but, like, what can I do?  Should I pace?  Should I pretend to be inspecting the drywall?  I wish I had a newspaper or something, or a cell-phone, or something. Anything!  A yo-yo!  A toy trumpet!  A nail file!  Just something I could do while I stand there so I'm not just standing there.

I'm just standing there.  So, I figure I'll go back to my urinal, and pretend I've got some more whizzing to do.

You know, make like I didn't take care of it all the first time, and it seems like since I'm stuck in here, I might as well take advantage of the time and just finish up.

Then, I realize that the bar is full of huge beer-drinkin' guys.  What if I'm standing there, pretending to whizz, and this guy finishes and another immediately comes in and takes his place?  I could be there for hours.  I decide to call off the pretend whizz, and resume my post, and just cope with it.

I stand there a long time.

A part of me is still standing there.


message board                back to top                          archives

12-18-01 - Site Fite?

Gah!  So much has happened over the weekend, I don't even know where to start.

Okay.  As I said on Friday, I got trolled on our message board by a staunch supporter of  Various claims were made, and I had planned a rebuttal, but my readers seemed to pretty much do the job for me.  Well done!

Before I get into this, let me just say, I love you guys.  I LOVE MY READERS.  Do you hear me, world?  I LOVE THEM.

They are intensely cool, and so many of them jumped unhesitatingly to my defense.  I had a great time reading all the posts;  many of you made excellent points, and I consider it an effective smack-down of an interloping wank on our board.  The whole thing just made me very happy.  You all rule!

The whole thing started with a harmless observation made by Becca, who noted that 24-7 claimed to be "The first and only site for, by and about temps!"

Honestly, I have no idea if this claim is true.  Technically, it may be.  They may very well be the first and only site for, by, and about temps (plural).  I need to point out that my site may indeed be about temps and temping, but it is mainly about a temp (me) and it is written by a temp (also me).  Singular.  So, maybe their claim stands, depending how you read it.

Well, whatever.  I still hate 24-7.  I posted a message stating I hated them, which I do (see previous sentence).  I also said, and I quote, "GET THEM."

Hm.  I'm not really sure what I meant by this.  I do not know in what manner I wanted them GOTTEN.  It was an off-hand remark without much thought put into it.

As I was sitting down to review 24-7 (which I may still do), I noticed they had a message board, something I was previously unaware of.  I also noticed some of my readers had posted there, so now the skirmish was being waged on two message boards.  Wow.

Also, it seems someone (I think the same guy who trolled our board) repeatedly assumed I was the one posting on 24-7's board, which isn't true.  I haven't posted anything there, and don't plan to.

Anyway, everyone is free to do as they'd like, obviously, and I'm grateful for the multi-board support, but I'd prefer nothing else about this gets posted on their board.  I don't have a beef with 24-7's readers or posters, even the semi-literate wank who posted on our board.  My GET THEM wasn't aimed at anyone but the site itself, which isn't really a THEM but an IT, and I have no idea how one GETS a site, anyway, except by spamming or something, which is lame, and I don't wish that upon anyone (except maybe Spencer Johnson and my current HR Manager).

In fact, if you want to get right down to it, there may be no THEM (or even IT) to GET.  24-7, with the exception of the message board, has a ghost-town feel to it, especially if you consider the site's last entry is dated 12-11-00.  Hello?  Is there anybody in there?  There are only four separate entries in the archive, too.  It's downright skeletal.  It's like the Mary Celeste, only with crappy animated gifs.  I don't know what the deal is.

At any rate, I may review them this week.  We'll see.  Just want to say huge thanks for everyone who stuck up for me.  I absolutely love the support I get from you guys, especially considering the lackluster material I've written lately, and the fact that I'm still way behind on responding to my e-mail.  I don't smell to good either (overslept this morning, no shower).  Thanks!  I may even make you an ugly graphic to show my appreciation!

The whole thing has certainly been entertaining and gratifying to read, that's for sure.  Our message board is right here for anyone who wants to poke around a bit.  The board only has a 300-message capacity, so read all about it before it scrolls off into infinity.

Speaking of which, I'm going to look around for a better message board client dealie for you guys.  You deserve it.  Goddamn pop-up ads are driving me batty.


Diversions:  Well, here it is, a zip file of Reflections, the great game that went away last week.  Sjackal e-mailed me the link, and I'm passing it on to you.  God, I hope this is legal.  Click here to download the zip file.  Thanks, sjackal!


 Last Week on Not My Desk

message board                back to top                          archives


Please note: any e-mail sent to may be republished, reproduced, excerpted, and/or mocked on this site as the circumstances require.

Also note: This website may appear to be poorly designed when viewed through certain browsers, such as Microsoft Internet Explorer, Netscape Navigator, Mozilla, Lynx, WebExplorer, Spry, Spyglass, Links, w3m, Chimera, Opera, Cyberdog, and Mosaic. To improve the appearance of this site, try covering your eyes.

Also also note:  Any and all images used on this site are trademarked and may not be used without permission.  And when I say trademarked, I mean trademarked by whomever I stole them from.  So ask them for permission. 

All material 2000 - 2001 by Christopher Livingston. Yeah. That'll hold up in court.