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(In order to make navigating theme weeks a little easier, you can now jump straight to a particular day by clicking one of the links below.  You can also click on the faceless, sitting woman at the bottom of each update, which will take you to the next chronological entry.  Also, there's a lot of pictures in this theme week, so it may take a few extra moments to load.  It's worth the wait.)

Jump to:  day 1     day 2     day 3    day 4     day 5


10-6-00 - Fitness Week - Day Five

I guess it's time to reveal the mystery woman who has been haunting this website all week.  She's the star of a book called Facebuilding, which, I have to say, is one of the most bizarre and entertaining books I've ever seen.

Creepy, too.

The basic premise is that by making a bunch of incredibly odd facial expressions, you will prevent wrinkles from forming on your face.

That's all well and good, but the question remains:  What does this have to do with fitness?  

Well, facebuilding is actually a way of exercising your facial muscles without letting the skin wrinkle up while you do it, as the pictures below demonstrate.  Sort of.

By the way, I'm at a loss to explain why this woman appears to be completely nude.

As soon as this woman is informed that she is nude for no apparent reason, she raises her eyebrows as if to say "I am?"  That's when those nasty disgusting hideous awful wrinkles appear on her forehead.  Yuck!

 

Here, she attempts to prevent those forehead wrinkles by wrinkling her forehead but keeping her hands on her forehead so it won't wrinkle.  This will prevent wrinkles.  On your forehead.  Somehow.

 

This is the photo from the section called For a Beautiful Blending from Nose to Cheek.  See?  She's wrinkling her nose without holding down the wrinkles, so you can see all the wrinkles.  She's nude, too, and no one knows why.

 

The books tells us she is tensing the "musculus platysma", which sounds made up.  Obviously, they are trying to show the tendons in her neck, which could explain why they need her neck region bare, but doesn't completely  explain the absence of clothing.  I'm guessing the photographer was a hoping for a little "Office Yoga" after the shoot.

 

Here she is being possessed by some sort of demon. This is, by far, the most chilling picture in the book.

 

Here she is GIVING US THE BIRD WITH BOTH HANDS.  I don't know if this causes or prevents wrinkles.  Or nudity.  It is, however, a tad rude.

Anyway, that'll about do it for Fitness Week!  Thanks for checking it out!  I'd like to thank Nikki for coming up with the idea of having a Fitness Week, as well as providing me with the books.  We'll be back with more temping stuff in a few days, so in the meantime, stay healthy!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


10-5-00 - Fitness Week - Day Four

We're deep into Fitness Week, folks!  Now, drop and give me twenty!

How about ten?  Three?

Ah, never mind.  You look ridiculous down there, anyway.  Nothing like our friends who practice Office Yoga!

Poor dear.  She can make herself as aerodynamic as she wants, but she's not gonna get anywhere without wheels.

 

One of the best things about Yoga is that there are no gender boundaries or double standards.  Not only can a man invite you to take a nice long gander at his groin...

 

... but a woman can too!

 

If people don't notice your grotesquely splayed crotch right away, try getting their attention by impersonating an orangutan.  Don't be embarrassed!  Remember, this is Yoga!

 

People still don't appreciate your lap, huh?  Sometimes, you've just got to do it yourself.  As far as the text for this picture goes, well... I'll let you make your own jokes.

 

Huh.  All this time, I've been doing Yoga.

 

Next time, we'll uh... tomorrow, it'll be... er... okay, lady, you are really starting to CREEP ME OUT!  WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?

We'll find out Friday.  In the meantime, bend over and roar into your crotch.  You'll thank me for it.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


10-4-00 - Fitness Week - Day Three

If there was ever a reason to exercise, it's so you can use the phrase "pulled a hammy" in conversation.  That's such a cool phrase.

That said, let's move from stretching to something a little more spiritual, namely:  Yoga.  But not just any Yoga.  Office Yoga.

Just by flipping through the pocket-sized book, Office Yoga: Simple Stretches for Busy People, by Darrin Zeer (illustrated by Michael Klein), we can see that Yoga is easy accessible to office workers (and temps, too) instead of just rich people who drink a lot of bottled water, as was previously thought. 

What is Yoga, exactly?  Well, when it comes right down to it, Yoga is just glorified stretching.  But the great thing about stretching, as we've seen the past few days, is that you can do it anywhere.  Why, you can even do it on the way to work!

And you thought drivers with cell phones were annoying.  GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!

 

This is listed as a "headache solution."  I don't know about you, but I'd think that jabbing your fingers into your forehead would just make things worse.

 

And, here we see the solution for "eye-strain."  Simply project beams of energy from your grossly-misshapen skull!  Feel better?

 

Is it just me, or does praying to office equipment seem to be a major theme in these office fitness books?

 

This is listed in the book as the 'Close the Deal' Warrior Pose.  Um, say... what sort of deal are you trying to close, exactly?

Er... forget I asked.

 

Hey!  Don't pout!  We'll be back with more fitness tomorrow!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


10-3-00 - Fitness Week - Day Two

Feel the burn!  It's Day Two of Fitness Week!

Today, we continue the fight against repetitive stress injuries by making complete asses of ourselves in front of our co-workers!

The book Stretching at Your Computer or Desk tells us that "Stretching can be done almost anywhere at any time.  It requires no special equipment, no special clothes, no special skills."

So, cancel those permits, drop those elaborate stretching implements, and don't worry about buying that special stretching outfit you've had your eye on!

This maneuver is known as the "Front Lunge".  When done correctly, there is no defense.

 

"Aw, what's the matter Janet?  Did Ralph lunge at you again?  We'll talk to him about that, okay?

 

Bleah!  This guy sweats more than Al Gore at a campaign stop in HELL.  Look at those armpit stains.  Maybe he should have bought some special clothing after all.

 

In order to demonstrate a mouth stretch, this woman has been granted facial features.  I'm not sure this is a good thing.  Resusci-Annie or RealDoll?  You make the call.

 

Remember, no matter how much your back hurts, do NOT remove your own spine.

 

"Boy, someone needs a lot of attention, huh?"

 

Keep those eyes peeled!  Day Three is right around the corner!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


10-2-00 - Fitness Week - Day One

Aaaaaand... we're back.

If you want to know a major difference between permanent employees and temporary ones, you need look no further than the topic of health.  Most companies have someone who works there with the sole purpose of making sure the permanent employees are "comfy".  They give each employee an ergonomic work-up and make sure their chairs and keyboards are positioned for a minimum of discomfort.  What's more, many companies provide discount memberships to fitness clubs for their employees.  So, after a day of working comfortably, they can go work out and improve their already impressively toned, smooth, supple, flawless, healthy, nubile bodies.

Whoo... is it warm in here?

But, what about you, the temp?  You have to sit in someone else's chair, and God help you if you adjust the armrests.  Don't even think about raising or lowering the keyboard tray.  If you want to join a gym, you have to pay full price.  And a lack of benefits means that if your shoulder or elbow or back acts up, you'll have to pay for that trip to the physical therapist.

Pop quiz, hot-shot.  What do you do?

Well, you visit Not My Desk for five full days of fabulous fitness, tons of terrific tips on staying tight and trim, and a load of alleviating alliteration!  Forget gyms and weights!  Forget chiropractors and physical therapists!  Forget healthy diets and going outside!  You can become fit and healthy right at the desk you're "working" at!

Thus, does Fitness Week begin!  Let's get warmed up with some stretching!

From the book Stretching at Your Computer or Desk by Bob Anderson (illustrations by Jean Anderson), we can see just what any faceless person out there can do to keep fit at their computer (or desk).  And, I do mean faceless!

The book states outright that it is about stretching.  The first section, How to Stretch, says it will teach you the basics of stretching, and the next section, Go by the Feel, claims it will teach you how to stretch, which the first section, How to Stretch, apparently neglected to tell you.

Well, whatever!  Stretching seems to be the main goal, as we'll see from the helpful and mildly disturbing pictures below.

Here we see what is either a simple neck-stretch or the danger of having no holes in your face to breathe through.  Lack of oxygen has caused this poor woman to lose consciousness right on her feet!  You've been warned!  Get a face!

 

I have no mouth and I must pray.

 

Not only is this move healthy, but from behind it totally looks like someone is making out with you, dude!

 

"I beseech you, almighty Compaq Presario, release my quarterly spreadsheet from the printer queue!"

 

Here, the Accounts Payable Supervisor asserts his dominance over the E-H file cabinet by repeatedly thrusting his pelvis at it.   You don't even want to know how he "marked" the A-D file cabinet.

 

Well, I can tell by the way he uses his walk, he's a woman's man, no time to talk.  

Also, no time to use the restroom, judging from that stain on his pants:

 

"Um.  That's very nice, Bob, but maybe we could start the meeting?"

 

Well, I don't know about you, but I feel healthier already!  Tune in tomorrow for some more stretching, and later in the week we'll find out what's up with this:

Oh, and my vacation was FINE.  Thanks soooo much for asking.  Sheesh!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


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