12-14-00 - Quick Update
Yeah. Temps pretty much rock. Thanks to the four or five people who brought the story to my attention (you think I'd be on top of stuff like this).
Also, as far as my illness, I am feeling a little better. I think the Martian Death Flu is giving up on me. My ears have cleared up enough for me to stand without wobbling, my stomach has gotten better to the point where I can eat solid food, and my lungs, thankfully, are clear enough that I can begin to smoke again.
12-12-00 - Kaff
Er, hi. So, as you may have noticed, Not My Desk is taking a little break, partially due to the proximity of the holidays, and partially due to the Martian Death Flu I've had for the past four or five days. While there probably won't be any updates until after Christmas, rest assured I will still be working on the site, writing new material, and coughing up what's left of my lungs for the next few weeks.
In the meantime, have a happy holiday, and check back with us towards the end of the month.
Next week, on another exciting episode of Not My Desk:
Janine consults with her co-worker Nancy to determine which Cathy cartoon best relates their feelings about Mondays. Further meetings are scheduled, including a focus group.
Who is the attractive, mysterious new woman in Purchasing? She claims she's from the temp agency, and a quick phone call confirms that she is. So that solves that.
The Cathy focus group turns out to be a mistake, as much time is lost explaining to men just what is so damn funny about Cathy in the first place.
Veronica is thrilled to receive the new org chart, so she can avoid the embarrassment of accidentally flirting with someone on a lower tier.
Rebecca shows Kim the plans for the Cathy statue to be erected in the Lobby. The marble slab which will be carved into Cathy's protruding tongue will weigh over 3000 pounds.
Gerald and Willard. How gay are they?
Beverly's interview goes horribly wrong when she reveals she prefers For Better or For Worse. Her body will not be found.
Janet refuses to take the hint, despite the progressively smaller desks she is placed at.
Blueprints for the Cathy atrium are reviewed with the city zoning commissioner, a noted Feng Shui expert, and the president of a leading architectural firm. Though not on the schedule, pedicures are discussed.
Louise, the peppy, perky receptionist with the distinctive laugh that can be heard all over the building, is fired. And thank God for that.
12-7-00 - GOOD MORNING
In days of old, soothsayers and storytellers would travel from town to town, setting up shop, capturing the imagination of young and old alike with mysterious predictions of the future and fantastic tales of faraway lands.
These days, we don't get so much of that.
We get this guy. He sets up shop beneath our window.
He brings his van. He brings his hose. He brings his yellow windbreaker. He even brings his own official "Utility Work Ahead" L'il Mister Busy Worker Man Flag Starter Kit.
He brings a hammer.
And, for over an hour early Wednesday morning, he HAMMERS THE HELL out of that blue metal hose wheel in his van. Why? No one knows.
Then... he switches on his portable generator.
I see no sleep in my future.
12-5-00 - Tiny Temps!!!!!!
Hey. You know what? I totally forgot something.
Of all the female temps out there, how many do you think have kids? After all, temping is a popular choice among women entering the workforce for the first time. Housewives and stay-home Moms often find it an easier way to jump into the job market, particularly if they don't have a whole lot in the way of clerical skills or office experience.
I'm sure a lot of the females reading this have young children to come home to every day. I mean, after a long day of work, I can come home to my apartment and curl up in a fetal ball on the kitchen floor, but not these working Moms! They have to come home and take care of their kids, make them dinner, ask about their day, and get in a couple hours of quality time before turning in. That must be a giant pain in the ass.
Well, I'm here to help! If you're a Mommy, you'll want to check out today's special update! It's a page filled with fun activities for your kids! It will keep them happy and occupied for hours, giving you time to pour yourself six or seven drinks and have a few moments to yourself.
No, don't thank me. Thank YOU.
Hm. No, thank ME. It's much more satisfying.
12-4-00 - Turn Your Head and Temp
I know it's tough for you temps out there. Your head has been hurting. Your knees have been aching. You've had that hacking cough for six years. You seem to be missing one or more of your limbs, and frankly, you're concerned.
The roughest part of temping, other than the bone-wrenching despair and the mocking from your peers, is the lack of medical benefits. Normal people with medical benefits don't get this. Going to the doctor costs them nothing, they have a ten-dollar co-pay for prescriptions, they relax in lush, spacious waiting rooms filled with interesting and up-to-date reading material... they have it easy.
But what about when you get sick? Or hurt? Or let's say you just want to meet a doctor? All of that comes out of your own pocket.
Well, I'm starting a new service on this website, just for temps, listing some common symptoms, diagnoses, and remedies. It's free, you don't have to sit naked on crinkly white paper, and best of all, a doctor won't jab you with one of his instruments (this may be a drawback, actually, if you want to meet a doctor for this very purpose).
So, "step" right "in", the "doctor" will "see" you now!
Symptom: Tiny popping sounds in ears
Diagnosis: Patient has soap bubbles in ears, the result of trying to shower in 14 seconds. This is insufficient time to to fully rinse body of soap or body-care products.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for proper showering.
NOTE: Patient has some toothpaste on chin, too.
Symptom: Gurgling and cramping in stomach
Diagnosis: Patient has not eaten since consuming an un-microwaved Chicken & Cheddar Hotpockets since breakfast at 2pm Sunday afternoon.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for a proper breakfast.
NOTE: Patient should not consider the remaining 1/8th of the Hotpockets and half a can of warm Mr. Pibb a proper breakfast.
Symptom: Feelings of loneliness and depression
Diagnosis: Patient is a social outcast due to slovenly appearance, such as horribly wrinkled pants, skirts, shirts, or blouses.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for proper ironing of clothing.
NOTE: Patient should not attempt to hold shirt or blouse tightly against body and rub fabric really hard and fast with hand, hoping the friction will act as a makeshift iron. This will not work. At all.
Symptom: Burning sensation
Diagnosis: Patient is on fire due to hastily smoked and discarded cigarette. Cigarette exited car window, but flew back in due to high velocity winds caused by driving 800 miles per hour. Cigarette is now trapped between patient's back and driver's seat.
Remedy: Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow time for safe and leisurely nicotine intake.
NOTE: Smoking may actually be bad for patient in other ways, such as when patient tries to remove cigarette from mouth, cigarette filter gets stuck to bottom lip and fingers slide up cigarette and are burned by lit tobacco.
Diagnosis: Patient is sleepy.
Remedy: Patient should hit the snooze button four or five times in the morning to allow time for extra sleep.
NOTE: This symptom is listed simply for a twist ending for this bit. This twist ending may cause feelings of nausea and disgust in reader. Before reading this twist ending, please consult your doctor.
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