9-22-00 - AWOL
GAAAH!!! What the hell is this? Who is this woman! What is she doing? Why is she making this face? And why does she appear to be nude?
The good news: You'll find out. It's part of the next theme week here at Not My Desk!
The bad news: You won't find out until Monday, October 2nd. That's right, Not My Desk is going on hiatus. For the next week or so, I will not be temping, writing about temping, or thinking about writing about temping.
It's time for a little vacation. Hardly deserved, largely unpaid, but a vacation nonetheless.
See you in October.
9-21-00 - Open Letter to the Guy Who Sits Across From Me
I can see your nipples right through those thin dress shirts you wear, dude.
9-20-00 - A Brush With Pain
I have nothing to write about tonight, so you know what that means....
Yes, let's take a look at some keyword combinations that people entered into various internet search engines over the past few weeks that eventually, and inadvertently, led them to this site.
For some reason, I find this really interesting. I also feel a little bad for someone who enters words like 'clapping sound' into Yahoo, and then winds up here, where there is simply no information on clapping sounds. So, what I've done below is add some info that might make their next trip here a little more productive.
'clapping sound' - Try holding your palms a few inches apart, then briskly slapping them together! Hear that sound? Thaaaaaat's clapping!
'hairbrush up my ass' - Ouch! Better get yourself to a doctor! Or the salon! They might be missing something!
'clubbing attire' - Don't know what to wear to your next beating? Try dark colors, as the bloodstains won't be as noticeable! Don't forget your bludgeon!
'add a cigarette lighter to your ford explorer' - I don't have a Ford Explorer (yet), but thanks for the suggestion!
'SteppedInGum' - SteppedInGum was a member of the Sioux tribe, and fought alongside Crazy Horse in the 1860's. He was the son of an clumsy Oglala medicine man named 'SpilledCoffeeOnShirt and his spastic Brule wife, 'DroppedPenAndHitForeheadOnDeskPickingItBackUp'. His name, 'SteppedInGum', has never been properly translated, so we can only speculate on its proud meaning.
'pants have fallen' - Well, better pull them back up before you sit on a hairbrush!
'hootchie mama' - I... have no friggin' idea! But thanks for visiting!
9-19-00 - Eye Eye Eye
I took a few hours off from my temp job today and got my eyes examined. I had a very enthusiastic doctor who made me feel like I was in the 3rd grade, just by the way he tried to make everything we were doing sound fun and exciting. You know, one of those energetic people who doesn't seem to realize that most adults have resigned themselves to long waits, hassles, and people jabbing them in the eyes repeatedly (and not just during eye exams).
During one part of the exam, he pointed an extraordinarily bright light in my eyes and had me focus on different things. He was very excited about this.
"Okay, now look at my HAND OVER HERE!!!" he shrieked, as if he had suddenly sprouted a few extra fingers.
"Now, look at THE TOP OF MY HEAD!!" he cried, making it sound like he had an intricate array of cups and saucers balanced there.
He made sound effects a lot, too, such as "BLOOP!" when he dribbled a paralyzing toxin onto my cornea, which made my pupils the size of quarters for a few hours.
I didn't get much help picking out frames, either, because the saleswoman insisted everything I tried on looked "great". No matter how ridiculous or ill-fitting the frames I put on, she loved them unconditionally. At one point, I just made circles with my thumbs and index fingers and held them up in front of my eyes, and she said "Those aren't frames. Those are your fingers."
Well, I didn't say she was stupid.
The whole thing made me remember this slightly dopey girl I used to date, who was considering becoming an optometrist.
Or, the way she put it: "Do you think I could become an optimist?"
"Positively!" I answered.
She didn't get it.
9-18-00 - Vision Quest
What the heck are you doing here? Get on over to Vision of the Future and check out the latest addition:
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who wrote in with ideas for theme weeks. There are a lot of clever, funny people out there reading this site, and I plan to look into all of your ideas, and determine the best way to pass them off as my own. Er, I mean, use them while giving you full credit.
All the great feedback I got from people gave me another idea, namely a 'Not My Website' week, where readers will have the chance to write their own updates for the site. For the next few weeks, you will see this link at the top of the page:
(Don't bother clicking it yet.)
Basically, this is an opportunity for me to get a little more interactive and, again, rip off some great ideas. Actually, I'm kidding. I will give full credit for any submissions I use, I'll post your names and e-mail addresses if you'd like, and plug your website or band or charity or clown-school or whatever you have that needs plugging.
I didn't mean that in a rude way.
Preferably, I'd like the submissions to be temp or job-related. I'm not really looking for essays or reviews or field guide sections, just updates. A funny story about a temp job you've had, stories of temps you've worked with (which everyone seems to have), some thoughts on jobs past or present, or anything you think would look good here.
Something humorous is preferred, but I'll settle for clever or insightful (see below for more in regard to humor).
In terms of length, all I ask is for it to be 'not too long'. I'd also ask that it be 'not to short.'
I'd also ask everyone to go easy on profanity unless it is necessary, or at least funny. Not that I don't cuss on this site occasionally, because I do, like right now: Shit. But sometimes bad words look a little out of place here, so keep it mostly clean if possible.
If possible, just e-mail me and put your submission right in the text of the e-mail. This way I don't have to deal with any tricky attachments.
I don't know anything about the legalities of posting other people's writing, so here are the rules I am making up off the top of my head:
1) You keep all rights to whatever you submit.
You can submit it elsewhere, post it elsewhere, do whatever you want with it. I mention this because a lot of sites that take submissions have these little legal statements saying they hold the rights for six months or a year, which seems really lame to me.
2) You can have it taken down.
If, for any reason, you decide you don't want your stuff on my site anymore, let me know, and I'll take it down. Really. Probably.
3) You can't be funnier than I am.
Don't make me look bad by being funnier than I am. Please. I have a tenuous grip on my audience as it is, and if you woo them over to another website with a funny, well-written piece, I'll be really sad.
Anyway, I think this will be fun to try. I've been thinking about getting some Not My Desk correspondents out there, people who might enjoy writing a little something for the site every now and then, perhaps someone named LISA KROLL (she sends in very funny ideas from time to time, but has turned down my offer to write an entire update, so this is my attempt to shame her into doing so). It would be great to get a group of temps across the country to write regular updates, let me know what sort of jobs they are working, rate their temp agencies, and so forth. If you know any temps who might be interested, send them a link to this site. I think it would be great for the site, and more importantly, it would mean I wouldn't have to work for a whole week! Let's face it, it's all about my convenience.
In case you're wondering what the title of today's update has to do with the actual update, the answer is: nothing. That's what you can do when you have your own website. MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA.
What the heck is this? Well, you can find out tomorrow, with a new addition to Vision of the Future. It was actually supposed to be ready today, but, well, there was that 49ers/Rams game this morning... you know how it is.
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