Video Games

Bullet Points: Crysis 2, Part 4

I’m starting to realize that the stuff Prophet was doing in the intro movie is a bit different than the stuff I’m doing. He was jumping off buildings and blowing up trucks and ripping giant guns off vehicles and staring down helicopters like they couldn’t even hurt him. Me, I mainly sneak around, invisible, shooting people when they’re not paying attention and then scamper off and hide.

Not that I’m not having fun, I am. But if we were both in The Fantastic Four, Prophet would be The Thing and I’d be The Invisible Woman, if the invisible woman had a machine gun.

  • Okay! I’m in a new area, creeping though a building.
  • The game makes me look through a window so I can witness a conversation between a man and a woman. I can’t do anything but watch them and listen, so they must be important characters and the game doesn’t trust me to not kill them immediately. Honestly, I wouldn’t kill them. I’m a good listener. I love eavesdropping in games.
  • Okay, I might try to kill them, but not until they had stopped talking.
  • They are in disagreement about whether or not to kill me. Well, not me, but Prophet, who they have mistaken me for.
  • I sort of can’t believe this is the entire reason that I’ve been killing people for four days, simply because they all think I’m someone else. Surely, at this moment, I should be yelling to them: “LOOK I’M NOT PROPHET ALREADY YOU JERKS” but I continue to not do that. I’m sure I have my reasons.

  • The woman doesn’t want to kill me, the man does. I assume I’ll be teaming up with the woman later in some fashion. I fully expect her to be calling me on the radio at some point. “Hello, Prophet? This is [whatever her name is]. Look, I don’t have much time to talk. I can help you, but only if you [whatever the thing is she wants me to do].” This is my prediction.
  • After they leave in a helicopter, I sneak around killing everyone like The Invisible Woman again.

  • There’s an earthquake that kicks up a ton of dust, giving me a reason to use my infrared to kill everyone. This is fun and a nice use of what had until this point seemed to be a useless visor function.
  • The scientist keeps calling me, telling me to hurry up. He tells me to find a vehicle.
  • In video games, the guy calling you on the radio always knows everything about everything you’re doing, somehow.
  • In real life, the guy calling you on the radio would be all “Hey, where are you now? What street are you on? FDR Drive? What’s the cross street? Is that, like, by the place with the coffee shop on the corner? Not the coffee shop  with all the window planters, the other one, that looks like maybe it used to be a Taco Bell? With the big windows and weird roof? No? Then I don’t know where the hell you are. Call me back when you’re on the corner by the record store near where there used to be a yogurt shop that’s now a shoe repair.”

  • As instructed, I steal a tank thing and drive, blowing up everything in my path. It’s very explodey in an arcade game way.
  • The driving is sort of blah. It should be more like FarCry 2’s driving, which was great.
  • I think the driving bits are in here so the box can proclaim “drivable vehicles!” or something.
  • Blew up everything, and now I’m in a new area.

  • Picked up a ranged scope for one of my guns! These noisy soldiers don’t have a chance now. I can kill them from miles away without moving. I’m basically griefing an entire military organization.
  • Where’d all the aliens go? I haven’t seen any today.
  • These soldiers are really dumb. I kill one, then listen. If I hear someone yell “Man down!” I know there’s another one coming. I kill him, then listen. “Man down!” Wait. Kill. Listen. “Man down!” Wait. Kill. Listen. Nothing? Then I’m done and can move on.
  • One of the soldiers says “Man down!” in a way that makes him sound genuinely upset. I think I just killed a very good friend of his. Maybe they grew up together. Maybe they were in love. Maybe they — oh there he is. Now he’s dead too.
  • It’s a shame these two soldiers were in love and now they’re dead simply because I can’t bother to tell anyone I’m not the guy they think I am. I hope I never have to explain this to a jury.
  • Ugh. Okay, dumb plot device. I basically reached the science lab where I was going to find the scientist, but he left, but before he left he forgot to do something, so now I have to do what he forgot to do and then go find him in the new spot he’s in.
  • Games need a better way to motivate you from point A to point B besides the “Find the guy who is talking to you on the radio who can somehow see your every move.”
  • The scientist calls me all scared, warning me that there are THREE SOLDIERS IN THE LAB. Three? Come on, man, I’ve killed hundreds of them already.
  • I go up to the lab in a slow, noisy elevator, but I’m invisible so the soldiers in the lab don’t think anything is wrong. They are stupid. They would never be in The Fantastic Four.
  • I eventually do the thing I’m supposed to do, prompting the game to try to start killing me again.
  • Chopper attack in the science lab! That’s my cue to look for a conveniently placed, helicopter destroying  weapon.
  • Sniper rifle in the corner three feet away! That’ll do. I kill a gunner and the chopper flies away.
  • Died while trying to figure out where I’m supposed to go now. There are soldiers all over the damn place now and the chopper is back and they killed me.
  • Died again, same place. Also I forgot to take any screenshots of this part. Think I’ll stop here.

Review Score, Part 4: Hm. It was okay, I guess. Got a ranged scope and sniper rifle, so I can shoot guys from far away. No aliens this time around. The driving wasn’t much fun. Stupid plot is stupid. I give it a B-


  1. Standard_Nerd says:

    There’s a toaster in the lab that makes toast. Then you can use the toast as a melee weapon. Just something to consider.

    • Christopher says:

      Is that a true thing, Nerd? If so, I am definitely going to kill someone with toast.

      • Standard_Nerd says:

        Yes. If I remember correctly, the toaster is to the right of the door closest to the elevator.

  2. I stopped there for a loooong time. I played almost every other game I could think of before going back. Found the only pleasant way to get through that encounter is to stand in an outer corner of the room, your back to the outside world and the chopper, and go into armour mode to snipe at it out of the window.

    When the guards come, they can’t see that corner from their position ont he roof, and eventually kill themselves by throwing grenades at their own feet. And when guards come up the elevator, which is often at the same time, you’re in the perfect spot to pick them off before they can do anything. And with a wall at your back, the chopper can’t get you at the same time.

    It’s basically an exploit. Thanks for driving me to that, Crytek.

    • Christopher says:

      Oh man, it definitely felt like it was going to be a pain in the ass like that. What is the eventual goal — do I need to find a way to escape, or does an exit present itself once I’ve killed everybody?

    • Christopher says:

      And why are these comments italicized? Super ugly. Gonna try to fix that.

  3. The italics makes it seem much more sophisticated, though. Like we’re all thoughtfully reflecting on something in the past. Something with lots of guns and aliens.

    • Kadorhal says:

      “Tally ho, have I ever recounted the incident in which a handheld explosive device I attempted to throw into a broken window impacted with the wall above instead? Rather painful experience, that.”

  4. I played the Multiplayer Beta of Crysis 2 and I loved it. Your review here is an amazing work of art that is also hilarious.

    On a side note: Chris, will you ever do more “The Demoman” stuff? That was pretty epic.

    Keep the laughs rolling,