Okay, Hollywood, listen up. There are three things nerds have wanted for a while: good movies based on comic books, good movies based on fantasy novels, and good movies based on video games.
I’ll give you this: after some early struggles, you’ve finally made some decent comic book movies, like Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Iron Man (the first one), Spider-Man (the first two), and maybe one-and-a-half of the X-Men films.
Plus, you scored twin dunkers with The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Harry Potter and the Blankity Blank sevenilogy. Or eightilogy. Whatever.
But good movies based on video games? In my opinion, you haven’t cracked the code. You’ve given us crap like Doom, Hitman, Prince of Persia, Max Payne, and Streetfighter. Where’s our good movie, the one we can point to and say, “Hey, this doesn’t suck too bad!”
You need help, and I am qualified to provide it due to the following facts:
1) I have played some games
2) I sort of remember some stuff about them
3) I wrote the stuff down in screenplay form
You’re welcome. Please note, Hollywood, that if you haven’t played this game yet, there are spoilers.
Mass Effect 2: The Screenplay
Based on the things I can remember from playing the video game Mass Effect 2
By Christopher Livingston
INT. SPACE STATION
FEMALE SHEPARD
After an exciting space battle that killed me, I’ve been brought back from the dead. Who are you?
BORING HUMAN GUY
I’m a human guy and not an alien; therefore I’m pretty boring.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Can I have sex with you?
BORING HUMAN GUY
Not yet. You’ll have to kill a lot of aliens and check back after each fight to see if I say anything new.
FEMALE SHEPARD kills a lot of aliens.
FEMALE SHEPARD
How about now?
BORING HUMAN GUY
Not yet. You’ll have to kill a lot of aliens and check back after each fight to see if I say anything new.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Damn.
INT. SPACESHIP NEAR A STAR
ILLUSIVE MAN
I’m your mysterious chain-smoking boss, and I’d just like to quickly apologize for my name. Here’s a brand new spaceship that is already obsolete.
FEMALE SHEPARD
So I need upgrades? Will you give them to me?
ILLUSIVE MAN
Lord, no. You’ll just have to find them somewhere. Try checking the entire universe.
INT: SPACEPORT SHOPPING MALL
FEMALE SHEPARD
The universe is in great peril. Thousands of colonists have been abducted or killed. There’s very little time to put together a crack squad of specialists to save everyone.
SAD ALIEN
I’ve lost my necklace.
FEMALE SHEPARD
I’ll drop everything and find it for you.
SAD ALIEN
Thanks! I’ll stand right here and be sad until you come back, even if it takes weeks.
FEMALE SHEPARD
I also need to find ingredients so my ship’s cook can make a nice meal. I’m sure the universe will be okay in the meantime. Ooh, toy spaceships for sale!
INT. NORMANDY
FEMALE SHEPARD
I need to go down to a planet. Which of my team members should I bring? Some have biotic powers, some are good with heavy weapons, others are good at long range. I must think tactically and ensure I’m ready for any combat scenario.
SEXY CREW MEMBER
You can see most of my tits.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Sold! I’ll also take the alien doctor.
ALIEN DOCTOR
A wise choice. No doubt due to my knowledge and expertise!
FEMALE SHEPARD
No, you’re just amusing.
EXT. PLANET
FEMALE SHEPARD
The aliens are attacking! I’ll take cover behind all these objects that are the perfect size to take cover behind.
COVER SALESMAN
That’s right! As a salesman for Cover Systems Unlimited, we equip all spaceships, space ports, and planets with objects you can hide behind. Our motto is: “We’ve got you covered!”
EVIL BOSS ALIEN
I am the evil boss alien, as you can tell by my deep scary voice. I am taking control of one of my alien minions to personally ensure your doom.
FEMALE SHEPARD immediately kills him.
EVIL BOSS ALIEN
Well, that didn’t work, but I’ll still try it six hundred more times because it looks cool.
INT. NORMANDY
FEMALE SHEPARD
I’m saving the universe, putting my life on the line and making tough choices that could result in countless lives being saved. I am a true hero.
BORING HUMAN GUY
Then why do you have evil glowing scars and demonic eyes?
FEMALE SHEPARD
I was rude to some shopkeepers.
INT. SPACE PRISON
A huge battle breaks out in space prison.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Oh no! Enemies everywhere! And there’s no cover! I guess this will be a different kind of battle than the last 300 battles.
A bunch of cover conveniently pops out of the floor.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Seriously? That just happened?
COVER SALESMAN
Yes! For space prisons and other areas where you wouldn’t expect cover, we install cover in the floor that pops out when it detects a gun being drawn! All in a day’s work for Cover Systems Unlimited!
FEMALE SHEPARD
Can I have sex with you?
COVER SALESMAN
Not until you shoot more aliens.
INT. ALIEN SPACESHIP
FEMALE SHEPARD
Here I am, defending one of my alien crew against a court martial. This is cool, because every mission up until now has been about shooting things, but now I expect I’ll have to present a detailed case to spare my crew member. Finally, I’ll get to use my brain instead of my gun!
ALIEN JUDGE
Your crew member will be spared only if you go shoot a bunch of things.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Damn.
INT. NORMANDY
FEMALE SHEPARD
Well, I’ve completely assembled my crew and helped them all out with their personal problems that were a priority for some reason despite the enormous threat to the universe. I guess we should go do the final mission while there’s still time.
UGLY ALIEN
I’m ready to have sex now.
OTHER UGLY ALIEN
Me too!
FEMALE SHEPARD
Can’t I have sex with both of you?
UGLY ALIEN
Don’t be gross.
FEMALE SHEPARD uses her SAVE GAME and RELOAD SAVED GAMES skills and has implied sex with both aliens anyway.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Well that was terrible. Did I really spend hours talking to you just for that?
UNIVERSE
Hey, remember me? Should I just save myself, or are you done helping aliens find missing lockets and having vague, disappointing sex with gross space monsters?
FEMALE SHEPARD
Be right there. Gotta check my e-mail and visit a nightclub so I can dance awkwardly.
INT. EVIL SPACESHIP
FEMALE SHEPARD
Now I have to choose which of my team members will do what on this suicide mission. I have to put my personal feelings aside and choose the best agents for the tasks at hand, despite the fact that it could result in their deaths and I’ve grown quite fond of many of them.
SEXY CREW MEMBER
Tits. Just sayin’.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Right, you stay with me. Human guy, go crawl through those danger-tunnels.
BORING HUMAN GUY
Argh! I’m dead!
COVER SALESMAN
Those danger-tunnels really should have had some cover in them. My bad.
INT. HUGE ROBOT CHAMBER
FEMALE SHEPARD
It seems the evil aliens have constructed a huge robot, which they are pumping full of ground-up human beings, which makes the robot extra evil or something.
The huge robot comes to life and attacks.
FEMALE SHEPARD
Now, the moment I’ve been training for. I’ll put all my skills to use, and use everything I’ve learned throughout this remarkable and unique journey.
HUGE ROBOT
No, you can just shoot me in the eyes like I’m a boss in a video game from fifteen years ago with a really obvious weak spot.
FEMALE SHEPARD saves the universe.
ILLUSIVE MAN
Well done! Or, I’m angry at you! Depending which choice you made at the end.
FEMALE SHEPARD
I can’t wait for the sequel. In the meantime, I’ll in the nightclub awkwardly dancing.
THE END
This reminds me of another so well-crafted script about cavemen…
This takes me back.
There I was, some bar or other, hell, the name doesn’t matter now, when some Hollywood asshole comes up buying the rights to my life story.
Figured I could use the money, so I signed the offer.
Turns out some Krogan warlord was using the whole thing as a tax dodge. C-Sec showed up to arrest him on the first day of shooting.
I was the only one who got out alive that day. Good thing I insisted on the default clause. Made out like a damn bandit.
Meatbags.
Oh, bravo.
Hollywood has a lot to learn.
Wait, does this mean you liked that game or not? I am confused by your humoynicism (I had to type out both words first before I could combine them with correct spelling!)!