Movies | Video Games

Mass Effect 2: The Screenplay

Okay, Hollywood, listen up. There are three things nerds have wanted for a while: good movies based on comic books, good movies based on fantasy novels, and good movies based on video games.

I’ll give you this: after some early struggles, you’ve finally made some decent comic book movies, like Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Iron Man (the first one), Spider-Man (the first two), and maybe one-and-a-half of the X-Men films.

Plus, you scored twin dunkers with The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Harry Potter and the Blankity Blank sevenilogy. Or eightilogy. Whatever.

But good movies based on video games? In my opinion, you haven’t cracked the code. You’ve given us crap like Doom, Hitman, Prince of Persia, Max Payne, and Streetfighter. Where’s our good movie, the one we can point to and say, “Hey, this doesn’t suck too bad!”

You need help, and I am qualified to provide it due to the following facts:

1) I have played some games
2) I sort of remember some stuff about them
3) I wrote the stuff down in screenplay form

You’re welcome. Please note, Hollywood, that if you haven’t played this game yet, there are spoilers.

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World

Commander Shepard Triumphantly Resolves Minor Squabble

The Citadel, Serpent Nebula — Commander Shepard of the U.S.S. Normandy chalked up another important victory today when she solved a minor dispute involving a missing, possibly stolen credit chit on The Citadel. Citizens of the universe, still in grave peril from an alien species of immense power and unthinkable evil, rejoiced at Commander Shepard’s key role in solving this minor disagreement.

The trivial incident occurred on Level 26 of The Citadel. A Volus named Kor Tun discovered he was missing a credit chit shortly after bumping into a female Quarian named Lia’Vael. Suspecting she had deliberately engineered their collision to surreptitiously lift the chit from his pocket, Kor Tun flagged down a C-Sec officer and demanded the Quarian be placed under arrest.

It was at this point that Commander Shepard, who had earlier been investigating the mysterious abduction of thousands of colonists by unknown evil alien forces, but who had stopped by the Citadel to shop for tropical fish for her aquarium, overheard the dispute and intervened.

After obtaining each individual’s interpretation of the incident, Shepard began her in-depth investigation, putting the pressing matter of the salvation of the universe on hold once again. Shepard spoke to employees at the Sirta Foundation, where the two aliens had bumped into each other, and at Saronis Applications, where Kor Tun had been shopping earlier. Shepard eventually determined that Kor Tun had made some purchases with the chit but had accidentally left it in the store.

As the matter of the thousands of missing, possibly murdered colonists remained a chilling mystery, Shepard made a quick trip to search for platinum on a planet in the Pax System and took a lengthy detour to have a drink and watch an exotic dancer in the Afterlife Club in the Omega Nebula. She then returned to the Citadel, where the three participants in the missing chit incident were still patiently waiting where she had left them. Shepard informed them of her discovery: the Volus had simply forgotten to take his credit chit with him after leaving Saronis Applications, who were holding it for him.

“That’s what makes Shepard such a valuable commander,” one bystander said. “She has the leadership to put the fate of the universe and the well-being of thousands of missing colonists on hold to look into the smallest personal matter, such as finding ingredients for her ship’s cook so he can prepare a nice meal, buying toy spaceships to decorate her cabin, or seeing how many of her shipmates she can seduce.”

News of Shepard’s decisive minor victory quickly spread through the galaxy, lifting the spirits of people everywhere who were wondering what had happened to their missing loved ones and how soon they too would be abducted and consumed by the ancient evil plaguing the universe.

Even people in other dimensions of the multiverse were impressed with Shepard’s ability to ignore impending doom in favor of resolving minor dust-ups. “You just don’t see that kind of dedication to trivial matters anymore,” said Arvena Thelas, a Dunmer commoner living in the Cyrodiil city of Anvil. “The last time I remember anything like that was when the Hero of Kvatch took time off from closing demon-filled Oblivion Gates that were threatening to bring about the end of the world, in order to help me a problem I had with the rats in my basement.”

Commander Shepard could not be reached for comment, as she had once again placed her primary mission on hold to share a bottle of brandy with her ship’s doctor.