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Regurgitated Chicken Soup for the Soul

 


8-13-00 - Hold the Pickles, Hold the Geddes

No, I don't need help writing my letter.

Just like I didn't need help with the last 200 letters I wrote.

But thanks.

Really.

I hope you're having a nice Sunday.  Here are some keyword searches that brought people to this website from Yahoo in the past few weeks:

"embarrassing speedos"
"anne geddes shower curtain"
"guillotine execution france last picture"
"joe dung"
"finders fee jewelry"
"looking for emerates man"
"nazi memos"
"temp agencies bad suck"

Anne Geddes shower curtain?  Sheesh.  Someone wants to look at nude infants dressed like beets while they're naked and soapy, I guess.  I don't really want to know.

I just realized the last sentence will no doubt bring hits from people looking for "nude soapy infants".  

As will that one.

I just don't get Anne Geddes.  I mean, someone explain to me how this is at all legal.

At least she's not dressing up dogs, like that Wegman freak.

As far as the last item, "temp agencies bad suck", I like it.  In fact, I think that will be my new motto.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


8-11-00 - Lamer Than Fiction

Thursday afternoon:  I got into the elevator, going down.  A couple in their sixties stepped on behind me, then hovered around the floor buttons.

"Which floor is it?" the woman asked her husband.  "Which are we looking for?  Is it one?"

"I think so," he muttered.

She turned to me.

"Which floor is it?"

"I don't know where you're going, ma'am," I pointed out.

"The first floor," she said.  "Is it on one?"

"Yes," I said, carefully.  "The first floor is on one."

 

Um...

I think we'll stop here for today.

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


8-10-00 - Train in the Ass

Yes!  It's time to play San Francisco's favorite game:  

WHO WILL MAKE ME MISS MY TRAIN???

The rules:

Make me miss my train!

This can be accomplished in a number of ways, but the most successful involve positioning yourself somewhere between me and the train I am trying to catch (hereafter referred to as "my train") and doing something really annoying to delay me.

Which train you should make me miss:

The train I take home in the afternoon.  Making me miss my morning train is not annoying enough, because it just means I will be late for work.  I don't mind being late for work in the slightest.  However, I do not like being late for home, as it means less time for me to sit in my dingy apartment and stare at the wall.

Scoring:  

The amount of time you delay me (Delay Time, or DT) is not as important as the amount of time I miss my train by (Miss Time, or MT).  For instance, if you delay me for one minute, and I miss my train by 30 seconds, you will have a lower score than if you delay me for 10 seconds, and I miss my train by one second.  An MT of one second is far more annoying than an MT of 30 seconds.  Having the doors close in my face or on my arm makes me angrier than if I see the train pulling out or it's already gone.  However, if your DT is really high, like over five minutes, you start getting "extra annoyance" bonuses.

How often you can play:

Play as many times as you want!  The game is on Monday through Friday, peak times are between 4:45 and 7:00pm!

What you can win:

Nothing!

Former Winners:

The tourist in front of me at the ticket machine who came to San Francisco with, as all the best guidebooks suggest, only a bagful of dimes.
DT3 minutes, 49 seconds
MT: 16 seconds
 
 
The bus driver who loves to chat with the passengers (frequent player).
DT: Anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes
MT: Anywhere from 5 to 10 seconds
 
 
Crazy man with Clinton/Alien conspiracy sign and enthusiastic sales pitch.
DT: 6 seconds
MT4 seconds
 
 
The people who have chosen rush hour to train their clumsy children how to use the ticket turnstile.
DT: 38 seconds
MT: 8 seconds
*Bonus for involving clumsy children.
 
 
I don't know who she was, but she had a nice butt, and I paused a moment to look at it.
DT: 28 minutes, 4 seconds
MT: 11 seconds
 
 
Philip Morris and their tasty (yet non-addictive!) tobacco products.
DT: 4 minutes, 15 seconds
MT9 seconds
 
 
Gerald Ford (have your strokes somewhere else, fathead!).
DT: 3 seconds
MT: 2 seconds
 
 
The cutesy-poo couple who thinks the escalator down to the platform is the perfect make-out spot.
DT16 seconds
MT1 second

Competing this week:

My boss (the Vegas odds-on favorite).

The lady who shouldn't be wearing heels that high.

The guy in the wheelchair (I'm sorry BUT IT'S TRUE).

An earthquake.

And returning champion:  the entire population of Chinatown!

 

You've got the rules!  See you on the playing field!

And remember:  YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


8-9-00 - Lies I Told at Work Today

"Sorry I'm late."

"That's a great idea!"

"I'd rather it be really busy than have nothing to do."

"I'm almost finished with this."

"Aw... what a cute baby!"

"That was quick."

"Sure, I'd love to go to lunch."

"Sorry, I can't go to lunch, I have severe abdominal cramping."

"She's really nice.  I like her."

"Yes."

"Sorry, I didn't hear the phone."

"If you pay me what I ask, you will see your son alive again."

"That noise?  That was my chair squeaking."

"No, I never saw that memo."

"You made this bread?  It's delicious!"

"Yeah, I can work late."

"No, I don't mind working late."

"Really.  Working late is no problem."

"Honest."

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


8-8-00 - Movie Review - The Replacements

This is kind of exciting, because it's the first time I've reviewed a current release.

Are you excited?  I'm excited.

Actually, the movie hasn't even been released yet, but I got to attend a sneak preview the other night, and I'm passing the savings on to you.

Since this is a new movie, as opposed to the stale rentals I've reviewed thus far, I've tried not to give away anything too crucial to the plot or give away the ending.  Luckily, there's not much that's crucial to the plot anyway.  In fact, there's not much of a plot.  Or an ending.  And I give everything away.  So, just disregard this entire paragraph.

Are you ready for some football?

(In case you're new to the internet, you should click the line above this one, the bold & underlined one.  Thank you.)

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


8-7-00 - E-Mail!

Well, it's about time to check out some of the e-mail I've gotten over the past couple weeks.  And I have gotten a lot of it!  It really makes me happy that so many people are writing in, and I encourage them to continue!  I love getting e-mail, and when it comes from people I don't know personally, it hopefully means my site is getting passed around out there a bit.

Some of the e-mails have been edited a little, simply because they were very long and involved.  I hope no one who took the time to write in takes it personally.

So, let's open up that e-mailbox and read some e-mails (I'll try not to get an e-papercut!!!!!!!).

From: jpell@mypad.com

Subject:  HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY???

Dear Friend, 

This may be the most significant letter you will ever receive! It will take about 10 minutes to read, but 10 minutes that will likely end up being the most important 10 minutes of your life because this letter contains the ENTIRE PLAN for how you can make $50,000 or more in the next 90 days by sending emails.

 **** THE ENTIRE PLAN IS HERE BELOW ******

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Hi, jpell!  Thanks for writing!  Boy, you were right: I do want to make a lot of money!!  You must read my site a lot to have guessed that!  I'm sorry I couldn't show your entire money-making plan here, as it was thirty pages long, but I'll be sure to try it out!!  Next time you write, be sure to let me know what you think of my website!

From: mortgage6@fasttrec.com

Subject:  ADV: Great Mortgage Rates!!

Dear Homeowner, 

We are a referral agency and our goal is to provide homeowners with lenders that fit your specific situation. We have hundreds of lenders throughout the U.S. that offer the lowest possible interest rates which means... One Super Low Monthly Payment!

And YES... We Even Have Lenders That Will Loan You up to 125% of The Value of Your Home With Absolutely no Equity Needed.

Wow, mortgage6!  That does sound like a great deal for homeowners!  Unfortunately, I don't own a home, but perhaps I will someday.  The way you tell it, I can't afford not to own a home!  Say, did you check out my essays?  Any thoughts on them?  Write back!

From: johnnyR002@eqnxame.uswestmail.net

Subject:  You Can Earn From Home On The Internet -uybylyt

<HTML><FONT SIZE=4 PTSIZE=12><BR> 

If you have ever thought of changing careers <BR> to make more money and would like to work<BR> from home, now is the time.<BR> <BR> We are an International Marketing Company that is <BR> looking for select individuals in the United States and<BR> Canada, who would like to start their own home-based<BR> business using the power of the Internet and Mail Order.<BR> No special skills are required.<BR>

Whoops!  Don't look now, johnnyR002, but your HTML is showing!  Not that I should talk, I'm sure no "computer" expert!  Thanks for letting me know about this great opportunity; looking at your e-mail, I never would have guessed that no special skills are required!  "Uybylyt"?  Is that some sort of temp jargon I should know??  Well, uybylyt right back at you, homey!

From: CuteGirlPicsFree@aol.com

Subject:  hottest entertainment on the net!

Remember Lisa Rose from high school? Well she just designed a new site dedicated to herself and she put up lots of sexy pics.  We should get together sometime. bye bye!

Hmmm... no, I don't remember Lisa Rose from high school... but I don't remember much of anything from high school!  LOL!!  I checked out Lisa's pictures, and wow!  She sure has "grown" up!  She's talented, too!  The things she's doing in those pictures... I've seen people do that before, but not with quite as many penises at the same time!  And I thought temping was difficult!!  I wish her the best!

From: vwtwk@mail-online.dk

Subject: FINALLY! Flat Rate Long Distance________________________

It's Finally Here! We have ALL been waiting for this one! FLAT RATE UNLIMITED RESIDENTIAL LONG DISTANCE CALLING! CALL ALL-YOU-WANT! 24 hrs/day, 7 days a week!

Wow, vwtwk!  I was so excited to read this I nearly jumped out my window in an effort to spread the news!  I think you're on to something... something BIG!!! By the way, you accidentally sent me this e-mail five times last week... don't worry, I got it!!  Speaking of which..."got" any temping stories for me?

From: lookgreatb7@indiatimes.com

Subject:  Lose 4-6 Inches - Permanetly - FAST

100% Herbal Fat Shrinking Breakthrough

***********************************

Lose 5-10 inches in just hour, permanently! Herbal breakthrough actually shrinks fat cells. Sound too good to be true? 10 years & 1000's of satisfied customers already. 

"I lost 11 inches in just one hour. I couldn't believe my eyes." Ann Marie NY 

I have to tell you, lookgreatb7, I'm not interested in losing some inches but rather gaining them!  I'm too short already!  Ha ha!  But seriously, almost 12 inches lost in only one hour??  The way you tell it, I can't afford not to be thinner!  Thanks for sending me the "skinny" (yuk yuk) on a great herbal weight loss program!  Say, write back and tell me if you enjoyed Women's Week!

From: kym@jizmail.com

Subject:  ADULTS ONLY! Asian Hardcore!! JizMail

Whats your favourite past-time?? Mines sodomising YOUNG CUTE ASIANS!!!
Check out the pics in this issue, brought to you by Oriental Sluts!!  One bad ass website with a shitload of content of all your favourite demeaning positions!!!

Kym:  My favorite pastime is actually watching movies, but thanks for sharing yours with me!  The way you tell it, I can't afford not to sodomize young cute Asians!!  Maybe you and Lisa Rose from high school should get together!  I bet you'd have a lot in common, if you know what I "demean"!!  Har har!!

From: grayonp473@yahoo.com

Subject:  Great Price On A New Car!

Want to save time and money? Want to have quick access to car quotes? Want to have all makes and models available to you? If you answered yes to any of these, then take advantage of this free, no-hassle service.

Actually, grayon473, I answered "no" to all of those!  I guess, despite you being a huge fan of my website, you missed me mentioning my efforts to win a free car!  Well, you can check my progress and see how I've updated the page to keep track of what kind of cars I'm trying to win, and who I'm trying to win them from!  And believe me, grayon473... I will win a car!!  Beep-beep!!!

From:  mncvm@male.ru

Subject:  Low cost merchant account for your business sfzfk

INCREASE SALES UP TO 50%....BUILD YOUR ONLINE BUSINESS.........GET YOUR MERCHANT ACCOUNT NOW

It Just Doesn't Matter Everyone Gets Approved No Upfront Fees For Application-Processing While Others Charge You From $195 TO $250 To Get Set Up WE CHARGE ZERO FOR SETUP FEES!!

Whoah, there, mncvm!  Take a breath, buddy!  I know you're excited to share this opportunity with me, but I think you need to take a "chill" pill!  And maybe use some punctuation or something!  Sfzfk, buddy!!

From: astunhb@yahoo.com

Subject:  What I Can Find Out About You -xxdvicv

Hi, Find out anything, about anyone. Click here now to be amazed! 

You know what, astunhb?  I did click there, and I was amazed! Do you know what I found out about you?  I found out that's you're one of many, many assholes who send out bulk e-mail and annoy the shit out of people!  I hope you die!!  Ha ha!  Preferably by decapitation!

No, seriously!  Fuck off!!!

Thanks to all my fans for writing in.  Tomorrow:  A early look at the movie The Replacements, starring Gene Hackman and a block of wood.  Xxdvicv!!!

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e-mail: temp@notmydesk.com


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