saw a commercial the other day for some sort of riding mower that sucked up
leaves and deposited them into a bag. This was presented as being much
easier than putting leaves in a bag by yourself, which sounded pretty logical to
me. Then they showed someone trying to pick up leaves without the
riding mower that was being advertised.
I saw this commercial, I had thought the act of manually bagging leaves was
annoying and perhaps a little tiring, but I was wrong. Dead
wrong. It is nigh-impossible, as the commercial then illustrated:
slovenly woman tried to put leaves in a bag, paused to wipe the sweat from her
brow, sweat caused by her complete exhaustion, and she dropped the rake,
scattering leaves everywhere. Then they showed a spastic guy trying to
pull a bag of leaves along his lawn, obviously struggling with the bag, which
must have weighed tons, and then (oh-no!) he fell down! God
help him! Someone else cursed the day he was born as his leaf bag suddenly
split wide open, and the leaves literally leapt out through the incredibly big,
straight, neat, and in no way pre-sliced rip in the bag. DAMN YOU,
also remember a commercial for a toothbrush that made it easier to reach your
back teeth. You know, those back teeth that, as the commercial
demonstrated, are impossible to reach with a normal toothbrush. They illustrated
this by showing a guy desperately trying to reach his back teeth. He was stretching
his face back, yanking at his lips, wedging his mouth open with steel clamps,
detaching his jaw like a boa constrictor, etc., all to no avail. At one
point, he even took his right arm, looped it around the back of his head, and
pulled his left cheek wide open, because it was darn hard to reach those back
teeth! At least he didn't fall down, although I bet that's still a risk!
eyes were truly opened by an ad for a wedge-shaped electric razor. It
showed a man, in profile, trying to shave with a normal, flat electric
razor. He was unsuccessful, due to the fact that his face, unlike the
razor, was not completely flat. Here is where the trouble came in,
and please forgive my horrible drawings, for in no way do they do this tragic
is his head (or part of it). Notice, just below his bottom lip, and above
his chin, there is an indentation. If we zoom in a little...
see there is no way to shave that area with a flat electric razor!
There is no possible way! I mean, theoretically, he would have to lightly
press the razor on that area, which might (but probably wouldn't)
bend his lip back the eighth of an inch necessary to shave that troublesome
spot! Or, he could tire himself by expending the energy it would take to
pull his bottom lip in over his teeth, but then he'd have to wipe the sweat from
his forehead! Forget it!
to be noted: Once he shaved with the wedge-shaped razor, a half-nude woman
immediately ran into the bathroom and rubbed her nubile body all over his
smoothly-shaved face. Well, hell! I didn't need any more
convincing! I ran right out and bought one (a razor, not a half-nude
woman. Okay, I bought one of those too, but when they put them right near
the register, it's hard to resist).
glad those commercials enlightened me, because that little spot under my lip had
been a tangled mess of overgrown facial hair, due to over a decade of not being
able to reach it with a razor. That, combined with my black and rotting
back teeth, which I've never been able to brush, and my extensive leg, hip, and
back injuries from falling while trying to put leaves in a bag, have made me
pretty damn unsightly.
bring all this up because I have an idea for a new kind of fork. A fork
with five prongs, instead of four. This extra prong would make it
much easier to spear food and deliver it to your mouth. In fact, if you
think about it, have you ever successfully eaten with an old, outdated,
four-pronged fork? I doubt it. I figure my fork would sell pretty
well if I had a commercial demonstrating just how much better it was than the
old, useless, four-pronged forks. Here's what I have in mind:
sloppy-looking man is sitting at a table, preparing to eat. He has a
OVER (disgustedly): Tired of trying to eat with a four-pronged fork?
attempts to impale a potato with fork, pauses to wipe sweat from forehead, falls
TO: Ugly woman at a different table.
OVER (scornfully): Sick of not being able to pick up food and eat it
pokes futilely at piece of steak. In exasperation, she wipes the sweat
from her forehead and throws down the fork, which explodes, killing her.
TO: A horribly emaciated guy, sobbing in front of a huge banquet and
clutching a normal fork.
OVER (disgustedly and scornfully): Tired of starving to death, while
delicious food sits just inches away?
dies of hunger, dropping fork, which injures a cute kitten.
TO: Some other guy with a fork.
OVER: Want a better fork, you horrible bastard?
nods to camera enthusiastically, his normal fork getting caught in the obscene
tangle of hair growing from just below his bottom lip. He looks
exasperated and yanks the fork, which flies into his eye-socket, killing
him. As he dies, he wipes the sweat from his forehead.
OVER: Well, with new PENT-A-FORK, you can eat again!
TO: Happy, well-groomed, attractive family, eating, admiring their new
five-pronged forks, smiling, and nodding to each other.
OVER: So, avoid this...
TO: Clip of that "agony of defeat" skier wiping out, with the
old fork digitally inserted in his hand.
OVER: And get PENT-A-FORK!
single guy eats with his new fork, and a hot, half-nude woman immediately runs
in and rubs her body all over his face.
BACK TO: Happy family eating.
OVER: Will you ever go back to eating with a normal fork again, thereby
damning your eternal soul to Hell? If you say yes, I'll KILL YOU.
(holding up their forks) No way! Thanks, Pent-A-Fork!
woman runs in and rubs herself on the family.
OVER: So say "Fork You" to old forks with Pent-A-Fork!