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Forked Up

I saw a commercial the other day for some sort of riding mower that sucked up leaves and deposited them into a bag.  This was presented as being much easier than putting leaves in a bag by yourself, which sounded pretty logical to me.  Then they showed someone trying to pick up leaves without the riding mower that was being advertised.

Until I saw this commercial, I had thought the act of manually bagging leaves was annoying and perhaps a little tiring, but I was wrong.  Dead wrong.  It is nigh-impossible, as the commercial then illustrated:

A slovenly woman tried to put leaves in a bag, paused to wipe the sweat from her brow, sweat caused by her complete exhaustion, and she dropped the rake, scattering leaves everywhere.  Then they showed a spastic guy trying to pull a bag of leaves along his lawn, obviously struggling with the bag, which must have weighed tons, and then (oh-no!) he fell down!  God help him!  Someone else cursed the day he was born as his leaf bag suddenly split wide open, and the leaves literally leapt out through the incredibly big, straight, neat, and in no way pre-sliced rip in the bag.  DAMN YOU, LEAVES!!!

I also remember a commercial for a toothbrush that made it easier to reach your back teeth.  You know, those back teeth that, as the commercial demonstrated, are impossible to reach with a normal toothbrush. They illustrated this by showing a guy desperately trying to reach his back teeth.  He was stretching his face back, yanking at his lips, wedging his mouth open with steel clamps, detaching his jaw like a boa constrictor, etc., all to no avail.  At one point, he even took his right arm, looped it around the back of his head, and pulled his left cheek wide open, because it was darn hard to reach those back teeth!  At least he didn't fall down, although I bet that's still a risk!

My eyes were truly opened by an ad for a wedge-shaped electric razor.  It showed a man, in profile, trying to shave with a normal, flat electric razor.  He was unsuccessful, due to the fact that his face, unlike the razor, was not completely flat.  Here is where the trouble came in, and please forgive my horrible drawings, for in no way do they do this tragic problem justice:

Here is his head (or part of it).  Notice, just below his bottom lip, and above his chin, there is an indentation.  If we zoom in a little...

...we see there is no way to shave that area with a flat electric razor!  There is no possible way!  I mean, theoretically, he would have to lightly press the razor on that area, which might (but probably wouldn't) bend his lip back the eighth of an inch necessary to shave that troublesome spot!  Or, he could tire himself by expending the energy it would take to pull his bottom lip in over his teeth, but then he'd have to wipe the sweat from his forehead!  Forget it!

Also to be noted:  Once he shaved with the wedge-shaped razor, a half-nude woman immediately ran into the bathroom and rubbed her nubile body all over his smoothly-shaved face.  Well, hell!  I didn't need any more convincing!  I ran right out and bought one (a razor, not a half-nude woman.  Okay, I bought one of those too, but when they put them right near the register, it's hard to resist).

I'm glad those commercials enlightened me, because that little spot under my lip had been a tangled mess of overgrown facial hair, due to over a decade of not being able to reach it with a razor.  That, combined with my black and rotting back teeth, which I've never been able to brush, and my extensive leg, hip, and back injuries from falling while trying to put leaves in a bag, have made me pretty damn unsightly.

I bring all this up because I have an idea for a new kind of fork.  A fork with five prongs, instead of four.  This extra prong would make it much easier to spear food and deliver it to your mouth.  In fact, if you think about it, have you ever successfully eaten with an old, outdated, four-pronged fork?  I doubt it.  I figure my fork would sell pretty well if I had a commercial demonstrating just how much better it was than the old, useless, four-pronged forks.  Here's what I have in mind:


A sloppy-looking man is sitting at a table, preparing to eat.  He has a four-pronged fork.

VOICE OVER (disgustedly):  Tired of trying to eat with a four-pronged fork?

Man attempts to impale a potato with fork, pauses to wipe sweat from forehead, falls over.

CUT TO:  Ugly woman at a different table.

VOICE OVER (scornfully):  Sick of not being able to pick up food and eat it properly?

Woman pokes futilely at piece of steak.  In exasperation, she wipes the sweat from her forehead and throws down the fork, which explodes, killing her.

CUT TO:  A horribly emaciated guy, sobbing in front of a huge banquet and clutching a normal fork.

VOICE OVER (disgustedly and scornfully):  Tired of starving to death, while delicious food sits just inches away?

Man dies of hunger, dropping fork, which injures a cute kitten.

CUT TO:  Some other guy with a fork.

VOICE OVER:  Want a better fork, you horrible bastard?

Man nods to camera enthusiastically, his normal fork getting caught in the obscene tangle of hair growing from just below his bottom lip.  He looks exasperated and yanks the fork, which flies into his eye-socket, killing him.  As he dies, he wipes the sweat from his forehead.

VOICE OVER:  Well, with new PENT-A-FORK, you can eat again!

CUT TO: Happy, well-groomed, attractive family, eating, admiring their new five-pronged forks, smiling, and nodding to each other.

VOICE OVER:  So, avoid this...

CUT TO:  Clip of that "agony of defeat" skier wiping out, with the old fork digitally inserted in his hand.


Handsome single guy eats with his new fork, and a hot, half-nude woman immediately runs in and rubs her body all over his face.

CUT BACK TO: Happy family eating.

VOICE OVER:  Will you ever go back to eating with a normal fork again, thereby damning your eternal soul to Hell?  If you say yes, I'll KILL YOU.

Family: (holding up their forks)  No way!  Thanks, Pent-A-Fork!

Half-nude woman runs in and rubs herself on the family.

VOICE OVER:  So say "Fork You" to old forks with Pent-A-Fork!