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1) You view this website at your own risk, and at the risk of Donald H. Stansmeyer, of 1633A Hammerbill Lane, Jarales, New Mexico 87023. Don't ask why. It's complicated.

2) You have entered into an agreement between you (herein referred to as "You") and this website (herein referred to as "This Website"), and that agreement (herein referred to as "That Agreement") will stipulate (herein referred to as "Whatever Stipulate Means") that if you ever meet a guy, and he lists the fact that he can do a "phat human beat-box" as a positive attribute, you will beat this guy (herein known as "Annoying Loser") into a pulp before he demonstrates this.

3) If and/or when describing this website to others, you will not use the word "wacky." 

4) When using our chat area, you will refrain from using profane or offensive language, particularly since we have no chat area, so chances are, you're just sitting at your desk, mumbling swear words.

5) Your long-distance phone service will be automatically switched to AT&T, unless it is already provided by AT&T, in which case MCI or Sprint is probably on the phone with you right now, begging you to switch to them, in which case your phone line is tied up, in which case you are not online, in which case you are not reading this, in which case your phone service will not be switched to AT&T, in which case MCI or Sprint is probably on the phone with you, begging you to switch to them.

6) Hotel accommodations for some readers of this website will be provided by the other readers of this website, which works out nicely, I think.

7) While reading this sentence, you will not blink your eyes until you finish it, no matter what, even if your eyes start feeling dry and itchy, or if your screen starts seeming to bright, and the black text on white background is pretty irritating if you think about it, and you really feel like you need to blink, but you can't, because the sentence won't end, it just keeps going on and on and on and on, and whenever you think about not blinking, somehow it always suddenly feels like you have to blink, at least that's what happens to me, my eyes feel all prickly, and kinda itchy under the lids, although if I keep them open normally for this amount of time, it's no problem, it's just when I think about not blinking that I have to blink, but I bet you really have to blink by this point, and I don't know how Dustin Hoffman didn't blink for so long at the end of Midnight Cowboy, because that would drive me crazy, not blinking for that long, while at the same time thinking about how much you need to blink, because it itches and stings so bad gotta blink now gotta arrrrrgh my eyes must blink must must blink now must BLINK NOW.

8) You will note that this site really wanted to include the term "merchantability" somewhere in these Terms of Service, because "merchantability" sounds totally made up.

9) You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless from any and all liability, penalties, losses, damages, costs, expenses, attorneys' fees, causes of action or claims caused by or resulting from the fact that while you are reading this sentence your boss has COME UP RIGHT BEHIND YOU AND IS READING THIS OVER YOUR SHOULDER AND HE NOW KNOWS YOU TOLD MARCIA IN ACCOUNTING THAT YOU THINK HE HAS A BIG RED BABOON ASS and now you're fired. Sorry.

10) No intellectual property found on this site may be copied, reproduced, or republished.  

In fact, no intellectual property may be found on this site, period.