Printer of My Discontent
Temporary, my ass. I feel
like I've worked here forever.
I speak of my current job
at an environmental control office, which has been extended to a period
of three weeks, the second of which I am now plodding through with a
dull expression and a lackadaisical attitude. My work here has not
become even slightly more interesting, and I spend a great deal of time
sending e-mail to employees I don't know in hopes they'll write me back.
This is done under the
pretense of a supposed mistake: I send a random employee a file via
e-mail and attach a note asking them to look it over and get back to me.
A few moments later, I send them another e-mail asking them to disregard
the previous e-mail, explaining that I had made a mistake, I had meant
to send it to someone else, and I apologize, blah, blah, blah. This
clever ruse is perfect for ensnaring unsuspecting employees into sending
me an e-mail that says something like: "Hey, no problem." Or,
"It happens to the best of us." Or maybe, "That's okay,
these e-mail systems can be tricky, why don't we become friends and
e-mail each other several times throughout the day, thereby forging a
relationship that does not require actually meeting each other and
providing you with something to do when you're not entering data into
Pollution Control Facility Certificate forms."
I've applied this
brilliant technique several times, though so far I've gotten only one
response, which read: "Message Undeliverable." I think it's a
good start. If I can figure out who Sys.Admin is, I'll have a
brand new friend.
Obviously, I'm a bit
lonely here. Without a phone, I find I actually miss talking to random
idiots, and only one or two people a day come near my cubicle. Even
then, it's usually just to hunt for a binder among the thousands that
surround my desk.
After I take a break, a
man gets on the elevator with me on the first floor and says
"Hi." Eager for even meaningless small-talk, I return the
greeting while nonchalantly leaning over and pushing every single floor
button to prolong the ride and therefore increase the chances of a
lengthy conversation. After a long, slow, jerky ride up to 14 he gets
off without having said another word to me and looking annoyed for some
reason. I ride back down to 5 alone and confused. How could I have
handled that better?
I have spent the rest of
the day manipulating data for an twenty-two page report, the subject of
which is not important (at least, its not important to me), and
now, finally, I am finished. I press the print button and stroll over to
the printer to collect my masterwork and hand it in to the boss, who
will hopefully allow me to spend the rest of my day trying to figure out
how to change the icons on my computer into amusing cartoon characters.
The printer I use is down
the hall, and boy, is it a beauty. It has several paper feeds, including
one for letter sized, legal, fancy letterhead, and envelopes. Its also
amazingly fast, prints with outstanding quality, and is almost
completely silent when running. Iíve gotta hand it to the designers,
theyíre geniuses! They should get some kind of award or something.
The printer is also in the
center of the office where there is usually a collection of dorky office
guys who stand around with their hands in their pockets, peeking over
the cubicle wall of the one cool guy of the office, and trying to engage
him in conversations about cars or the cool guy's girlfriend. The cool
guy I have never actually seen, because he never leaves the cubicle,
preferring to actually work, I suspect, unlike the dorky guys, who stand
around all day doing what I just said they do.
Today, however, there are
no dorky guys to be seen, for the obvious reason that in their place are
standing a collection of power guys. I call them power guys
because they radiate the stuff, and spend most of their time in the
conference room that has glass walls so you can see how important and
powerful the power guys are when they are having a conference.
In case youíre
wondering, this is not all extraneous information, designed to take up
space and segue into another amusing tale of office mishaps. No. This is
completely relevant information designed to take up space and
segue into another amusing tale of office mishaps.
So I walk down the hall to
my destination, warily eyeing the power guys and hearing the big
beautiful printer warming up and getting ready to betray me, which it
does immediately, by printing my carefully scrutinized and meticulously
formatted twenty-two page report entirely on envelopes.
Envelopes, for those of
you who donít know, are cleverly folded and glued bits of paper that
you put ordinary sheets of paper into. In order to fit the ordinary
sheets of paper into the envelopes, you generally need to fold the
sheets into thirds. What Iím getting at here, basically, is that
envelopes are about one-third the size or an ordinary sheet of paper,
and that for every one page of my report, the printer will need to
discharge three envelopes. By employing a scientific calculator, we can
arrive at the conclusion that the printer will crank out exactly
sixty-six envelopes, over a period of time that is beginning to seem
equivalent to the Age of Enlightenment.
Do I need to explain my hell?
Do I really? My report is being printed on envelopes. With
a gang of power guys just inches away, I feel fresh perspiration begin
to trickle down my back. What should I do? Can I run back to my computer
to stop the printing process, or will I find that the entire document
has gone through? And when I get back, will the power guys be ankle deep
in envelopes, each containing a third of a page of my report? What if,
while Iím casually walking down the hall at forty-five miles per hour,
they start looking at the envelopes? What will they say? Nice
margins? I donít think so. No, I canít leave, I canít allow
them to see what a complete and utter moron I am. My heart yearns for
the dorky guys, if only they were here, we might all be able to share an
annoying, honking laugh over this. But power guys never think this kind
of thing is funny. Power guys are the embodiment of pure evil.
I am beginning to worry,
because hours have passed and the envelopes are still coming out. Ka-chunk.
Ka-chunk. Why, when you print envelopes, does the printer make
such a loud noise? Is it really necessary? Whoever designed this printer
should be shot. Its slow as hell and damn noisy. Power guy number three
is looking at me, I know it, probably wondering if I am planning to
mass-mail the entire Asian population. Power guys would never normally
even so much as look at me, but I think, like some animals, they can
instinctively smell embarrassment.
Now the stupid rotten
doody printer is running out of envelopes. I canít
believe I actually have to refill the envelope tray. I compare it
to a situation where someone is shooting at you, and you helpfully offer
them a handful of bullets. But what else can I do? If I just let the
tray empty, the printer queue will stack up behind my document and the
entire office will be unable to print until someone feeds in some more
envelopesÖ and then my secret will be out. Nor can I turn the printer
off, because any printing jobs that are waiting will be erased. I
wonder how I can yank the cables out of the wall, pick up the printer,
throw it through the fifth-floor office window, and make it look
the last envelope has been spat. Gathering up the twenty-two inch stack
of envelopes in straining arms, I head back to my desk. A thought enters
my head, and I walk instead to my bosses office. "Hereís the
report," I screech, dumping the sea of envelopes onto her desk and
floor. "Need it mailed anywhere?" Then I bray freakish
Actually, I donít do any
of that. I just go back to my desk and work out a chart of all the
recycling bins in the office, and how many envelopes theyíll each