In the Kitchen With Chris
follows is a written transcript from the popular cooking show, "The
Temporary Chef," which airs Sundays on The Food Network.)
cramped, messy kitchen.
V.O.: It's Sunday afternoon at 2:38pm, and that means it's time
V.O.: That's right! It's time to cook breakfast with Chef
CHRIS, BLINKING, SHUFFLES INTO THE KITCHEN, WEARING BAGGY PAJAMA BOTTOMS
AND AN OPEN BATHROBE, A CIGARETTE DANGLING FROM HIS LIPS. HIS HAIR IS A
MESS AND HE IS UNSHAVEN. HE SQUINTS AROUND UNCERTAINLY.
Chris: Whut. Uh. (coughs) Uh. Uh.
(muttering) Where the (bleep) are my (bleep)ing glasses... (bleep).
(coughs) (scratches butt)
(scattered, hesitant applause)
Chris: (bleep). Oh, uh, right. Breakfast. Okay.
Umm... lessee what we've got in the fridge. Looks like I got...
eggs... bacon... and bread. Man, how long has that milk been in
there? (coughs) Okay, I guess I could make a (bleep)ing omelette
and bacon and uh... whadyacallit. Toast. And coffee,
(bleep), I need some (bleep)ing coffee.
STARTS COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY AND STAGGERS OVER TO THE STOVE. HE
TURNS ON ONE OF THE BURNERS AND LIGHTS HIS CIGARETTE WITH THE OPEN
Chris: Okay. (another coughing fit). Okay. Hi.
Okay. So, we'll start the bacon first, since I think that takes
longest. And you'll see I have two frying pans here, one big and
one kinda small, and they're both... mostly clean. So, we'll turn
on the burners under them... nope, wrong ones... okay. Now, we'll
open the package of bacon. Remember, when you buy bacon, buy high
quality bacon. If you go to some cheap (bleep)ing grocery store,
they'll have cheap bacon that is mostly fat, like this bacon is.
So, buy better bacon than I do, because this bacon is almost entirely
white. Okay, I'm cutting the package open with, ah... this knife,
and now I'm peeling some slabs of bacon off, and they're kind of ripping
because they're all stuck together. And I've got (bleep)ing bacon
fat all over my hands now. Great. Great start. Where
are my (bleep)ing glasses?
DROPS THREE FATTY STRIPS OF BACON INTO THE SMALLER FRYING PAN AND THEY
Chris: That looks gross. And they don't really fit in the
pan. Okay, let's see. I guess we'll break the eggs into a
bowl... a bowl. Um... I don't have a clean bowl. But I have
a measuring cup, we'll use that.
BREAKS THREE EGGS INTO A MEASURING CUP AND STIRS THEM WITH A FORK.
Chris: I think you're supposed to add some water to make them
fluffy, but I dunno. I guess I'll do that. Oh, I need to
start the coffee, too. Oh, and (bleep), I gotta butter the other
pan. Do I have butter? I don't think I have butter.
Oh, there's a tiny sliver.
PUTS THE TINY SLIVER OF BUTTER IN THE LARGE PAN AND SLIDES IT AROUND
WITH A BUTTER KNIFE.
Chris: Okay, that's all the butter. I don't, uh, I don't
know what will go on the toast. Maybe some jelly, although I think
it's pretty old. Anyway, we'll pour the eggs into the big pan now,
and when you do this, make sure you don't spill a bunch of it over the
stove like I just did. And don't have a couple bags of old clothes
piled up in front of the stove because you keep forgetting to drop them
off at Goodwill. Because then it's hard to reach the stove, and
you have to lean way over and you spill your eggs all over the (bleep)ing
place. Also, I don't think the bacon is cooking right, because the pan
is too small and the ends are sticking out. So, I'm just gonna cut
them in half with... where'd I put that knife... okay, a different
knife... while they're frying and OW! OW AGHHH OW (bleep) OW!
IS SIZZLING AND SPITTING.
Chris: OW! MOTHER(bleep)ING (bleep) (bleep)ING (bleep)!
HOLY (bleep) (bleep)ING H. (bleep) ON A TREADMILL! (bleep)! Okay,
here's a tip, don't cook bacon with an open robe or you get boiling fat
splattered all over your (bleep)ing stomach. (bleep). Okay,
I'm turning down the heat on the stupid bacon. Agh, the coffee, I
have to get that started.
PUTS COFFEE AND WATER INTO THE COFFEE MAKER.
Chris: Okay, we've got that.. oh, (bleep), the (bleep)ing eggs are
boiling! What the hell. Ach, I turned up the heat on the
eggs instead of turning down the heat on the bacon. Okay, I need a
spatula... a spatula... ah, who am I kidding.
USES THE HANDLE OF A MEAT-TENDERIZER TO UNSUCCESSFULLY FLIP THE EGGS
AROUND A LITTLE.
Chris: I gotta add something to the omelette. Some things
are good to add, like ham, cheese, uh, mushrooms, stuff like that, which
I have none of. Mushrooms are gross anyway. Um, (bleep), the
stupid eggs are all in pieces so I'll just make them scrambled.
Whatever. I guess I should start the toast now.
PUTS TWO PIECES OF TOAST IN THE TOASTER.
V.O.: Um... Chris?
Chris: Okay. Okay. Now, uh...
V.O.: You might want to do something about the bacon there.
Chris: Shut up, (bleep)face. I see it. The bacon is
spraying fat all over the place, so... I think I'll drain it.
Draining is a big part of cooking, or something. Now, you can't
just pour fat down the drain, you have to pour it in a can or something.
I don't know why, but you do. So, OW! OW (bleep)ing (bleep).
Okay, I don't have a can, so I'll hold the bacon with... where's my
fork... okay, another fork, and pour the grease into this coffee cup.
Swell. Okay, the bacon is back on the stove, and the eggs are
kinda burning, so I'll stir them a little with... (bleep), I just had a
fork, what did I do with it? I just (bleep)ing had it. Okay,
a new fork. I've used like 500 utensils already and I don't know
where I keep (bleep)ing putting them.
V.O.: The toast should be done.
Chris: Dude, shut up. I know. The toast should be d--
ah, the toaster wasn't even plugged in.
Chris: Ah, so, we'll just have regular bread. Is there any
butter left at all? Okay, I'll use jelly. There's only a
tiny bit way down the bottom of the jar, so I'll use yet another stupid
(bleep)ing knife to get it out.
Chris: The (bleep)ing bacon is burning. (coughing) And the
eggs are burning. (bleep). I'm, uh, turning all the burners
off. Oop, wrong knobs again. Okay, heat is off, and I've
opened a window. (bleep), the whole place is filled with smoke,
great. Uh, I'm going to... spread jelly on the toast.
Chris: Bread, whatever. This is a good time to mention that
counter-space is important in any good kitchen, which is why this
kitchen sucks and why I'm having to spread jelly on my bread on the
window sill. Gah, why does everything have to finish at the same
time? Eggs and bacon are done and the coffee is done. I'm
going to pour my coffee, now, ah, (bleep)! Forgot I'd poured bacon
fat into that coffee cup. Okay, here's another cup.
V.O.: That's a wine glass.
Chris: Do you want to do this? Do I come into your
announcer's booth and tell you how to do your job? Shut up.
Now, some sugar. Some... huh. I bought the wrong kind of
sugar. This is confectioner's sugar. Well, that's great.
Why don't they (bleep)ing make the (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ing boxes look
(bleep)ing different, those (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)ing (bleep)s?!?
Well, it's still sugar, how bad can it taste, anyway. Whatever.
I'll stir it with a spoon... or, no, no clean spoons. I'll just
use another knife, why not? Okay, the food. Um, I don't have
a plate... a plate... okay, here's a lid to the frying pan, I'll eat out
Chris: Don't start. Don't even (bleep)ing start with me,
audience. Don't. If I want to eat out of a (bleep)ing frying
pan lid I'm gonna. Okay, I'm dumping the eggs in, and using the
four-hundred and sixty-(bleep)ing-seventh clean fork in a row, and
getting the bacon. Wait, I'm supposed to wipe the grease off with
a paper towel or something. Do I have paper towels? Oh,
screw it. Okay, I-- ew! Ew! Ew! Ewwww!
V.O.: What? What?
Chris: I dropped some egg on the floor and I just stepped on it
with my bare foot. Ugh, (bleep), that's gross.
What a pig. This is pathetic.
V.O.: Can we wrap this up? Please?
Chris: Yeah. Okay, see? Here is... the. The
meal. And, um, you, too, can make this. At home.
HOLDS HIS FRYING PAN LID UP TO CAMERA, SHOWING THE BURNED, DRIED OUT
SCRAMBLED EGGS, THE GREASE-SOAKED FATTY BACON, AND MUSHY UN-TOASTED
BREAD SMEARED WITH CHUNKS OF OLD JELLY OF AN UNDETERMINED FLAVOR.
HE ALSO HOLDS UP HIS WINE GLASS FILLED WITH COFFEE AND CONFECTIONER'S
Chris: So, there it is. This is why I don't ever do this.
V.O.: Just do your tagline, jackass.
Chris: I have a (bleep)ing tagline?
V.O.: Yes. Don't you remember it?
Chris: Dude, I've got egg on my foot and the kitchen is filled
with smoke. It's gonna smell like bacon in here for months.
You do the damn tagline.
V.O.: Fine. That's it for the Temporary Chef, folks, and
always remember, that, uh... (bleep). What is the tagline, anyway?
(bleep) this. We're outta here. (leaves)
V.O.: No, wait, I... I remember, it's uh...
Chris: Do I actually have to eat this (bleep)?
Chris: Fine. (bleep). (bleep). (bleep).
V.O.: What now?
Chris: Um. I'm out of forks.