Movies | Video Games

The Cloned Cavemen of Future Brooklyn: The Movie

(The following post originally appeared on my old gaming blog, The First-Person Shouter)

If you follow my Twitter, you already know I’m very excited about a game called Merchants of Brooklyn. [Edit: it’s now called Drug Wars.] Here are some excepts from the game’s description:

In 3100 A.D., global warming has caused the sea level to rise and engulf the streets of Brooklyn. The land is gone, but society rebuilds the city on top of existing structures, connecting buildings through a network of sky bridges…

To meet the upper city’s demand for laborers, city leaders contract the Brooklyn Institute of Technology (B.I.T.) to clone a new working class…. Neanderthals were chosen as the main focus of the research based on their physical resilience. The city’s contract called for far more Neanderthal clones than were required, causing the excess and sub-standard Neo-Neanderthals to be discarded to the dregs of the city…

…You take the role of an elite Neanderthal fighter with a taste for blood. Having had your arm unwillingly detached from your body courtesy of a chainsaw, your new prototype biomechanical arm transforms into different twisted and brutal weaponry to aid you in the slaughter…

That is quite simply the most awesome description of a game I’ve ever read. It’s so fucking awesome I don’t even dare check out the game itself, because in no way could it ever live up to that description. I can’t look at screenshots or videos or read reviews or anything that might take away from the perfect concept of cloned cavemen building sky bridges in future Brooklyn. No matter what the game actually is, it will never equal the images flooding through my brain.

But I want to do something with this game, so, I’m going to take the only logical step left: I’m going to write a screenplay for the movie adaptation of Merchants of Brooklyn.

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Internet | Video Games

Four Letter Words

I’m currently addicted to Swipe Four, an iPod/iPhone game. You can try it in your brower for free here, and it’s on sale in the App Store for $1.99, easily worth it if you like word games.

Make four letter words until you’ve filled the four by four grid, then move on to progressively harder levels (seriously, what am I supposed to do with three Y’s and a K?) I made it to 40th on the leaderboard one day, but it’s not unusual I get the message “You’ve placed 1,855th!” Like I’m supposed to be proud of that.

DVD | e-Books | Movies | Television | Video Games

On The Menu: Nazi Dinosaurs, Medieval Stoners, and Norm!

As I’m typing this week’s menu, I’m sitting in a cafe across from two young people clearly on a first date. Man, I’m so glad I’m not single anymore. The mid-day coffee date is the worst date ever. Even if things totally work out, both people have horrible coffee breath and it’s the middle of the afternoon (on a Sunday, in this case). Luckily for these two, it is clearly not working out, though they’re both trying to pretend it is. I feel like I should pull a gun and rob the cafe, if only to give them an excuse to cut the date short.

This cafe also appears to be a prime spot for divorced couples to swap out their shared children. So, this whole place is incredibly depressing.

Anyway, here’s what’s coming to screens this week!

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The Demo Man

Cities XL

This review of the Cities XL demo was published on Shacknews on September 14, 2009. Click here to read it.

The Demo Man

Batman: Arkham Asylum

This review of the Batman: Arkham Asylum demo was published on Shacknews on August 10, 2009. Click here to read it.

The Demo Man


This review of the Demigod demo was published on Shacknews on August 3, 2009. Click here to read it.

The Demo Man

The Hunter

This review of The Hunter demo was published on Shacknews on July 8, 2009. Click here to read it.

The Demo Man

America’s Army 3

This review of the America’s Army 3 demo was published on Shacknews on June 30, 2009. Click here to read it.

The Demo Man

Mob Ties Tokyo

This review of the Mob Ties Tokyo demo was published on Shacknews on April 12, 2009. Click here to read it.

The Demo Man

The Last Remnant: I’m Speechless

Before I downloaded and played the demo for The Last Remnant, I had no idea what it was. I didn’t know what kind of game it was, what genre it fit into, what the story was about, or how to play it.

After playing the demo, all of the above is still pretty much true.

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