Liverpool, England — Fans crowding into the Cavern Club hoping to witness a stellar, memorable Beatles performance came away shocked and disappointed by the poor showing of the famed rock quartet. According to all accounts, the band played terribly, missing notes and forgetting lyrics, much to the dismay of the gathering of dedicated fans.
“They didn’t seem to know their own songs,” one fan said. “Wait, not even songs. Song, singular. They kept trying to play the one same song, but never even got all the way through it. Not once.”
“John sounded like a nineteen year-old girl,” another fan said. “He kept giggling and getting the words wrong, and was way, way off-pitch. It was horrible.”
Lennon wasn’t the only Beatle who disappointed fans. “They all seemed to be struggling,” one attendee said. “It sounded like it was the first time they had ever held their instruments.”
“That looked like George Harrison,” another dismayed fan agreed angrily. “But that was no George Harrison.”
“At least Ringo sounded about right,” he added glumly.
“It wasn’t what I was expecting,” said another Cavern Club patron, who initially cheered the band but found himself less and less excited as the show progressed. “I was expecting The Beatles, but this sounded more like a disorganized, possibly drunk bunch of amateurs, trying to play the same one song over and over, stopping in the middle, and then starting over again. What a letdown.”
“John Lennon would be rolling over in his grave,” he added, “if he wasn’t currently on stage.”
After five awkward, fumbling attempts to make it through their 1963 classic hit “Twist and Shout”, The Beatles gave up and ended the show.
“The Beatles suck,” said one long-time fan. “I’m crushed by this. I just hope the Green Day concert I’m going to is better, but I don’t have much hope.”
The Beatles are due to appear on The Ed Sullivan show next Wednesday night, though Paul McCartney has stated he might not be able to make it due to having a Calculus midterm early Thursday morning.