Featured | Local

Assassin Experiences Ancestor’s Memories, Connection Problems

animus

Animus 2.0 requires constant connection to server

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Local

Unlike Horses, New "Motorized Wagon" Essentially Theft-Proof

rdr car

As a newfangled mechanical contraption known as a “motorized wagon” arrived in Blackwater today, local officials heralded a new age wherein the wanton theft of personal conveyances would finally be at an end.

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Local

Test Subject Thinks Portal Gun Makes Her Ass Look Big

portalbutt

A female test subject, freshly awakened from a relaxation vault in a secret underground laboratory, has begun to wonder if the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device she is testing makes her ass look big.

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Local

Gotham’s Legendary Crime-Fighter Gradually Learns to Fight Crime

batman

Legendary Gotham City crime-fighter Batman, after years of vigilante service combating thugs, monsters, and super villains, gradually learned a number of basic crime-fighting moves while dealing with the Joker’s recent takeover of Arkham Asylum.

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Local

No Sign Of Caucasian Assassin At Party, Chilean Guards Report

hitman

Three members of an all-Chilean bodyguard detail tasked with protecting Don Fernando Delgado and his son, Manuel, have reported seeing no sign of a deadly Caucasian assassin who may be attempting to infiltrate their ranks.

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Local

Control Point Seriously Needs Capturing, Soldier Points Out To Guys

capture

In the midst of a hotly contested battle to capture a control point, a soldier for the Builders League United (BLU) announced to several guys that they needed to capture the control point. Seriously.

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Local

Adventurer Finds Killing Mole Rats Makes Him A Better Lockpick

lockpick

A former vault-dweller known only as the Lone Wanderer was both pleased and perplexed to discover that killing mutated mole rats with a baseball bat has somehow made him better at picking locks.

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Local

Engineer Sure Wishes He Could See His Spine-Mounted Health Meter

deadspace

“Who designed this stupid spacesuit?” asked Isaac Clarke, a systems engineer, while whirling around and craning his neck in an effort to view his own back. “They built the health meter on the spine? Really? On the spine? Who is this supposed to be useful for, someone standing behind me?”

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Local

Apocalypse Survivor Irritated By Helpful Companions

l4dcoach

“Stop shooting!” a survivor known only as “Coach” yelled at his three baffled companions, who were trying to save his life from hordes of rampaging infected humans. “I need melee kills!”

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Local

Suspect in 1,137 Cop Slayings Released

niko

The sole suspect in over a thousand violent cop killings was reluctantly released today with no formal charges being filed, police say. Despite overwhelming evidence, the lack of a legal system in Liberty City prevented police detaining and trying the suspect for his alleged crimes.

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