Famed, frustrated archeologist tragically drowns self
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World of Goo Corporation Criticized For Massive Goo Spill
The World of Goo Corporation is being heavily criticized for what some are calling lackluster efforts to contain a massive Goo spill that is threatening the environment, and possibly even the internet.
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Millions Of Farmers Cited For Overcrowding, Neglect of Livestock
Animal rights activists gathered today to protest against millions of farmers, citing dangerously overcrowded farms and inhumane living conditions for livestock and other animals.
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Exploration, Puzzle-Solving Teaches Kids Non-Violence, Alarmed Parents Say
As word spreads of the adventures of quirky, charming, non-violent adventurers using puzzle-solving and exploration to cope with their problems, parents are growing more and more concerned that today’s children are learning that non-violence is an option.
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Jobwatch: Marauding Demons Face An Uncertain Future
“There are plenty of humans, dwarves, and elves to kill,” demonic Hurlock warrior says. “The job market for marauding demons is strong. I just worry about what comes next, after we’ve killed them all.”
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After 30 Years, World War II Shows No Sign of Ending
Roughly 30 years after the first shot was fired, it seems nothing — not the billions of lives lost, not the trillions of dollars spent, not even the repeated assassination of the dreaded Mecha-Hitler — will bring about the end of World War II.
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Panau President Claims Sudden Climate Change Not Man-Made
A sudden rise in temperature on the island of Panau, possibly brought on by massive explosions and the resulting fires, has some climatologists concerned about man-made climate change, but Panau President Pandak “Baby” Panay claims it is just part of the island’s natural cycle.
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Desperate, Marooned Astronaut Tries To Use Every Item With Every Other Item
Trapped on a mysterious planet and stumped for ideas, NASA Pilot and survival expert Commander Boston Low, trying to transport himself and his crew back to earth, has resorted to trying to use every item he’s found with every other item he’s found.
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Report: One in Four Children Born With Ability To Slow Down Time
A shocking report was released today by medical researchers working at the Mount Sinai Medical Center’s Bullet-Time Research and Treatment Division, stating that as many as one in four children today are being born with the ability to temporarily slow down time.
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Commander Shepard Triumphantly Resolves Minor Squabble
Citizens of the universe, still in grave peril from an alien species of immense power and unthinkable evil, rejoiced at Commander Shepard’s key role in solving this minor disagreement.
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