Featured | Lifestyle

Businessman Beginning to Regret Opening Hotel in Limbo

Limbo — The owner of the historic Limbo Hotel is beginning to regret opening the establishment in the dark, shadowy netherworld whose only inhabitants are giant spiders, glowing headworms, and creepy, homicidal children.

The hotel, which opened eons ago, has yet to attract its first overnight guest, despite featuring dozens of dark, unsettling rooms, haunted minibars, a spacious pool filled with spikes, and free HBO. The owner, Conrad Milton, says he was warned against opening the establishment in the bleak dimension between life and death, but was lured in by the inexpensive real estate and lack of competition.

“I figured even if there wasn’t much demand for a hotel in Limbo, by being the only hotel around I’d get 100% of the business,” Milton said. “It’s been centuries, though, and I still haven’t had any guests. I’m beginning to realize that 100% of zero is zero.”

While there are numerous potential guests in Limbo, most find themselves slaughtered, eaten, smashed into paste or drowned before they can reach the hotel.

“I saw someone approaching a few hundred years ago, and I thought he might check in, but just as he got close, a headworm burrowed into his skull and he turned around and started walking in the other direction. I never saw him again.”

“Damn headworms,” he added.

The location of Milton’s hotel is an issue for his employees as well.

“It’s definitely hard finding help,” Milton said. “I hired a maid at one point, but she went outside on a smoke break and was ground into pulp by some giant gears. And my lobby clerk quit after complaining of all the bear traps, water pits, and psychotic children along his route into work. I admit, it’s a rough commute.”

“There was a little boy with glowing eyes who passed through a few days ago,” Milton continued, “but all he did was trash my giant buzzing electric hotel sign. He didn’t check in or even inquire about our rates or amenities.”

“I doubt he had a major credit card anyway,” he added glumly.

Comments

  1. Hah. I doubt he had a major credit card anyway either, being just a boy!

  2. Harold Worthington III says:

    I don’t know how this “Limbo Hotel” could be any worse than Statesman Hotel, at Washington D.C. Nothing can be worse than having to deal with constant water leakage, carpeting malfunctions and the occasional super mutant. Do they have good pillows at this Limbo Hotel?

  3. I went to Clanbronwyn Hotel some time ago. I expected a peaceful and quiet retreat after having recently lost an old friend and instead I found a badly run-down hellhouse. The only other guests were a drunk old man who kept trying to feel me up and some slut who did not.

    Housekeeping was also horrible, the rotting remains of the long deceased were a dreary sight in the long, brown hallways. Definitely no tips from me. When trying to leave, I found that I couldn’t even check out and it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

    Would not go again.

  4. You think bear traps and brain slugs are bad? Try opening an inn in the poorest district in the Imperial City! Business was so bad that I had to drum up some tale about a hidden treasure just to attract one customer! What’s worse, the night after they came, the entire Bloated Float was hijacked by bandits and taken out to sea! No one’s going to want to stay now that my reputation is ruined!

  5. Sounds like you need an enclosed instruction book.

  6. Facebuilding Lady says:

    Having worms burrow into your skull can cause unslighty wrinkles.

  7. I went to this hotel on business recently along with several colleagues. Generally, it worked well with our needs.

    However, the security was overly enthusiastic. Initially, this was helpful in convincing a client to work with our competitive intelligence concern, but as the day wore on, I was forced to discuss discretion with them.

    On a more positive note, the supplied explosives were well within specifications.

  8. The Enrichment Center expresses interest in redecorating test chambers with features listed in this article, in order to fully explore the effects of mental stress on test subjects.
    Additionally, we have become bored with the current decor.

  9. John Marston says:

    Every inn I find doesn’t have any rooms for rent. I lost most of my hard-earned money buying rooms I would never use again.
    Do you have any idea how many coyotes I had to skin to get my money back?

  10. Hero of Kvatch says:

    Ormil is right, there is barely a place in Cyrodil where you can get a good nights sleep. Either you get waken up by assassins, or guards, or in this case, where the whole hotel suddenly moving. How they got the ship under the bridge is beyond me…

    My cousin in Vvardenfell has actually made a business of it. He puts a lot of traps in his room, and next morning he usually find a dead assassin with a hell of an expensive armour, which he then sells.

  11. Marked One says:

    What is this…sleep you talk of?

  12. Goo ball says:

    yamacko!

  13. Ocean House Hotel Manager says:

    You think you have it bad? I have to clean up broken vases, pictures, fix the damn elevators and electricity and buy a new chandelier for the lobby every damn week. On top of that, the staff keeps finding those super-creepy newspaper articles scattered all over the place. Everybody is terrified of going down to the basement.

    Man, I wish there was someone brave enough and not afraid of the dark to, I don’t know, lift the curse. Is there a curse? I have no idea. Seems like… Hey, I think I saw someonyyyeeeeaaaaaaghh…

  14. Jack Torrance says:

    COME TO THE OVERLOOK HOTEL AND TAKE YOUR MEDECINE, BOY

  15. Frank West says:

    At least the hotel doesn’t have zombies.

  16. Gabriel Syme says:

    It can’t be any worse than the New York Hilton (or “ton”, as the broken sign says) I’m staying at. Dangerously broken elevator, damp-stained carpets, walls, and ceilings, rats all over the place, the cleaning bot is is throwing sparks everywhere, and last night I got held hostage by those whackjobs in the NSF. On most nights I’ve been kept up by the other guests, one seems to be holding a rave and the others are holding their own “private” party, if you get my drift. I tried complaining to the manager, but- holy shit, was than an explosion?! Shit, there’s an army in the hallway, I’m getting the hell ou

    ***ARGENT SHERMAN TERMINATING UNAUTHORISED COMMUNICATION ON ORDER OF WALTO-

    What a shame.

  17. RNixon1972 says:

    For all of you looking for a better time, I know a great place in D.C. I have a few favors that need to be done first, but I can promise you some amazing rates.

  18. Stay away from the Tong, man. Bad shit goin’ down.

  19. We do not understand the purpose of this hotel construct. Is it used only for sleep? If so, geth have no use for such establishments.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] insights into gaming culture: recent posts features the owner of the hotel from Limbo bemoaning his lack of business, or the World of Goo corporation being criticized for its disastrous goo spill. As a Dead Space [...]